Seeing Through an Artist’s Eyes

It is not an easy thing to explain. Artists don’t see things using only their eyes. The brain intrudes in the process. For instance, you are welcome to interpret the picture above any way you like. But the way I see it will be nothing like what you thought this picture is about. You probably see two very different girls here. There is actually only one. I know because, as the artist who drew both parts of this picture, I actually know where the ideas came from. There is only one girl in the picture. Dilsey Murphy, in front and wearing her Carl Eller Minnesota Vikings’ jersey, is based about 33% on the older of my two sisters. On the outside she is pragmatic, no-nonsense, and focused on living a family life that is as normal as possible. But the inner Dilsey is the African leopard-princess. She dreams of going on Tarzan adventures in the movie-jungles of the mind with a handsome male hero. She is fierce, loyal, and completely independent, not even needing the hero she adventures with. In fact, she often saves him.

This picture is about the idyllic parts of my childhood. The mother figure is doing a ritual dance. She is in tune with the music of daily life. She is closely attuned also to her responsibilities of stewardship in her society. Both children are nude. I cropped this picture so that it is not rude and showing Smiling Boy’s penis. But both children are bathed in nature and sunshine, not just because I am pro-nudism personally, but because clothing covers up innocence and joy.

This one is easier to interpret. I was an ESL teacher. I had students who spoke Spanish as their first language and students who learned to speak Mandarin Chinese as their first language. It makes for a classroom that becomes a cultural mixing bowl. You have to learn how to deal with people who are very different than you,, but are benefitting from learning English together.

Every picture the artist draws or paints has its own weirdness embedded inside it. The way the artist sees it is probably never the same as how the viewer thinks about it. And that is as it should be. But as a viewer of art, it is hoped that you will at least try to think about what the artist means to say..

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How It Should Be… According to Mickey

A 1951 Schwinn Spitfire like mine in 1963 when the world was golden.

My bicycle was red. It was red and looked just like the ones that Captain Kangaroo had in his commercials that we watched on a black-and-white TV every day before we walked or rode our bicycle to school, across town a whole long seven blocks away. After school I could ride it out a whole mile and a half to Jack’s farm with Bobby and Richard and Mark the preacher’s kid to go skinny dipping in the cold creek in Jack’s South pasture. Jack was younger than any of us except Bobby. And it was a golden age.

Spiderman comic books and Avengers comic books cost twelve cents to own, but they were forbidden. And as much as we sneaked them and passed them around until they fell apart, usually in Bobby’s hands, we never knew that Dr. Wertham had gone to Congress to make our parents believe that comic books would make us gay and violent. He was a psychiatrist who wrote a book, so even if you didn’t believe him, you had to worry about such things.

I believed in Santa Claus until 1967. And after I found out, I only despaired a tiny little bit, because I began to understand you have to grow up. And adults can lie to you, even if they don’t do it to be mean. And the world is a hard place. And the golden age ended in November of 1963 when JFK was assassinated.

In June of 1968 I rode my bicycle out to the Bingham Park woods, Once there, I took off all my clothes and put them in the bicycle basket, and then I rode up and down the walking paths through the trees with nothing between me and God but my skin. I had a serious think about how life should be. All the while I was terrified that someone might see me. I was naked and vulnerable. A mere two years before that I had been sexually assaulted and was terrified of older boys, especially when I was naked and vulnerable. But I was a fan of the St. Louis Cardinals and Bob Gibson. They were repeated World Series winners. And they beat the Yankees in the series in 1964. And more important than that, cardinals were the little red songbirds who never flew away when the winter came. You don’t give up in the face of hardship. You face the trouble. No matter how deep the snow may pile up.

And in 1969, the first man to walk on the moon showed that a Star Trek world was in reach of mankind. Star Trek was on every afternoon after school. I watched a lot of those episodes at Verner’s house on his family’s black-and-white TV. The Klingons were always bested or beaten because the crew of the Enterprise outsmarted them. You can solve the problems of the universe with science. I know this because of all the times Mr. Spock proved it to me not just by telling me so, but by showing me how you do it. And what you can achieve is greatly enhanced if you work together like Spock and Kirk and Bones… and sometimes Scotty always did.

So, what is the way it should be? What did Mickey decide while naked in the forest like a Dakota Sioux shaman on a spirit-quest?

JFK’s 104th birthday was on May 29th. Dr. Wertham has been dead for 40 years. Bob Gibson was 85 when he passed away in October of last year. Captain Kirk turned 90 in March of this year.

The Golden age is long gone. There is no single set of rules that can clearly establish how it should be now. But I like those ideas of how it should be that I established for myself while naked on a Schwinn Spitfire in a forest long ago.

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A Song of the Forest Faun

One might easily believe Radasha is me, but he’s only born of my imagination.

It is a sad song playing in the imaginary forest where my mind lives.

My wife doesn’t love me. She keeps me around to pay for stuff. But she rarely talks to me anymore and she never is nice to me. True, she’s not as mean as she was. But still rather mean.

I dedicated my life to education. I learned to teach students critical thinking skills. I taught students who did not speak English as well as they spoke Spanish, Vietnamese, or Mandarin Chinese to read and write in English. But schools are woefully underfunded now, especially if they are city public schools and teacher shortages exist because States like Texas don’t respect them as people, don’t pay them well, or assign them to jobs that can’t actually be done by one lone, dedicated teacher. And I am not well enough to help out with my teaching skills any longer.

Donald Trump may win back the Presidency again. I suffered under his administration, not benefitting from his massive tax cut, but rather, having to pay more than a thousand dollars extra each year since he raised my tax on my pension by over a hundred dollars a month and made me pay that extra hundred for every month in 2017. Trump is proof that the government only aids the greedy, rich bastards who buy what they want for laws that benefit only them, never the poor or the middle class.

I enjoy being a nudist outdoors in the sunshine and fresh air, but can no longer practice it because I am on medication that makes me susceptible to sunlight, like some kind of vampire.

Radasha, the faun, plays his recorder in the green wood that exists only in my stupid head. It is made up of many beautiful melodies packed with somber tones and tragic, trailing riffs. the music of the afternoon of a tired old faun.

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Fix Coulrophobia… Now!

I love clowns.  I always have.  When I was five I wanted to be a clown.  Red Skelton is my personal hero and role model, the reason I became a teacher, to use my clown skills for good rather than evil.  But sinister folks who think they are joking are seriously jeopardizing all of that.

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In 1988 I did watch and enjoy the movie Killer Klowns from Outer Space.  It was funny.  And I liked Stephen King’s “It” as a horror movie.  It was definitely scary.  But 2016 has become the year of the creepy clown.  Why would any idiot want to dress up in an expensive horror-clown mask and clown suit to wave at somebody’s security camera at two in the morning?  And, Mr. Idiot, did you at least try to figure out if the homeowner was a gun owner in an open carry State?  One of the recent clowns to be arrested turned out to be a teenage boy… you know, the ultimate planner and thinker-ahead-er.

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I would like to propose that we prosecute a case or two of creepy clowns in the woods at night with a mandatory “How to Love a Clown” class.  After all, clowns are a worthy thing.  How many clowns over how many years have handed out candy to kids and brought a smile to small faces during a Fourth of July parade?  How many circus clowns like the Great Emmett Kelly made us laugh with a pantomime routine?  How many Shrine Circus clowns helped entertain us and raise money to fight childhood disease and cancer?  Bob Keeshan who was Clarabell the Clown on Howdy Doody helped raise me and make me the person I am now as Captain Kangaroo.  The real creepy clown crime is that they are taking the image of a clown, which is a very good thing and turning it into something bleak and horrifying.  My purpose for this post is to remind you of the good things about the people under the face paint.  I want you to remember a few of these.

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under angry rant, clowns, collage, commentary, humor, Paffooney, strange and wonderful ideas about life

Why Being a Teacher in an All-Nude Middle School Would Be Easier than Regular Middle School Teaching

Yes, I survived all the Bible-belt monster hunters who came after me for writing my first naked middle school post. And I am no wiser for the experience. I mean to tell you why I would really like to do my whole teaching career over again in a middle school where mandatory nudity is the dress code. And if that makes me insane and somehow dangerous, remember, this is a humor blog, and we like to laugh at mentally warped individuals like me and their strange behavior.

Iris is an imaginary top student at Mintyville Experimental Middle School. History is her top subject, and she wants to be a lawyer or a political leader.

Although this essay’s argument is totally facetious and farcical, that doesn’t mean it lacks truth. Some things would obviously be easier for teachers if the school opted for a totally nude dress code. For instance, no gang colors could be worn in school. And Bloods, Crips, Ambros, Latin Kings, and future Skinheads would all be bare with their tattoos covered by the appropriate flesh-colored Band-Aids. Cell phones could be concealed in pockets only by students who had undergone painful plastic surgery to create kangaroo pouches in their thighs, and even then, they would be readily visible whenever the students stood up from desks. There would be no jealousy over expensive fashions for the rich kids or embarrassment for the poor kids with ratty clothes from Goodwill and smelly underwear that never gets washed in anything but quarter-hungry washeterias. School uniforms would be free unless you counted the expense of the original birthday suit. Textile coverings required by the outside world would remain in lockers all day along with all social media devices used for creating depression in others and suicidal thoughts in yourself. And AR-15s and pistols and other weapons would have to be left in parents’ cars for after-school Texas-style social interactions. All of these consternations and nightmares would no longer be things the teacher had to worry about.

Teachers would not have to worry about how they dress either. First, teachers would not necessarily be required to be nude. If you had an unmarried male teacher in a classroom by himself with lots of naked young ladies in all his classes, that could lead to things we hear too much about in the news already when the schools are full of textile-wearing people. If the teachers are dressed in the usual frumpy-dumpy suits and dresses from Walmart, they will not be the object of hormonal fantasies from students, as there are so many other naked targets to be fascinated by. And if the faculty decides that the only way to be fair to the students is to be nude in school too, perhaps that is an area where two teachers for every class is an optimal idea, one male and one female in every class to serve as a check on each other. Hence, both sexes have the appropriate adult role model. One English teacher and one Science/Math teacher to provide the learning guidance necessary for a truly intellectual, discovery-method curriculum where they would learn problem-solving in depth. Students would become accustomed to seeing their friends, enemies, and teachers nude and it wouldn’t take long for everyone to be desensitized to the sexual aspects of everybody being naked. Of course, there would have to be detailed “no-touching” rules enforced constantly by teachers, administrators, and fellow students. It is an opportunity to master behaviors that students don’t really get detailed instruction in during their real lives, either at home or in school.

So, what’s that red sash thingy that Sasha has in the library? Miss Shortwheeler suggested it’s the twirling ribbon she will use for the halftime performance in Tuesday’s basketball game.

In real-world middle schools where everybody wears clothes and conceals the truth and gets lots of practice at lies and prevarications, students are metaphorically naked all the time. They reveal inappropriate details about their lives at inappropriate times daily. And if the teacher tries to ignore it, they will reveal it much louder and with more inappropriate words.

Nude students, on the other hand, are more open to sharing intimate ideas and feelings in more positive discussions where everyone is equally vulnerable, and can be trained to be equally sensitive to the feelings and needs of others. It is the appropriate place to learn things like proper consent, permission, respect, safe spaces, personal spaces, and appropriate sharing of things that might’ve been too personal to consider discussing in a world hidden beneath clothing. Naked people are more vulnerable and therefore more aware of the world around them and their relationships to everyone and everything. So, I am actually saying literally naked kids are easier to teach than kids who are only metaphorically naked.

Again, naked schools are not a thing in the real world of public education. This essay is only foolish speculation and idea mangling. But I really do think that a nude school is worth studying experimentally. When you come to my house after midnight again spurred onward by the religious fervor of the Westboro Baptists, remember, I will be the one laughing loudly as I flee full speed for my very life.

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Good Words We Never Use

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My attempt to draw “synesthesia”

Xanthophobia (from Greek xanthos, “yellow”) is fear of the color yellow. In China the color yellow was feared, specifically receiving the yellow scarf, which was an imperial order to commit suicide.

http://phobia.wikia.com/wiki/Xanthophobia

Yes, “xanthophobia” is a word I have never used in my life before now.  I have no doubt that I will never need that word again in my life.  You, dear reader, will probably never need that word either.  But the derfy space-ranger part of my brain thinks it is neat that I was able to correctly answer a trivia question about the meaning of “xanthophobia”simply because my background as an artist who has shopped for exotic oil colors in artist supply stores helped me to recognize that the “xantho” part of the word meant yellow.

Are there other totally useless words that my space-ranger brain thinks are cool to know?  Of course there are!  How can you ask such a silly question?

Ouzel may refer to:

hobbledehoy

noun hob·ble·de·hoy ˈhä-bəl-di-ˌhȯi
Popularity: Bottom 30% of words

Definition of hobbledehoy

  1. :  an awkward gawky youth

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/hobbledehoy

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So, what is the actual use of knowing so many words that you can never functionally use?  Besides as a topic of a goofy post like this?

They become like the pebbles and rocks at the bottom of the briskly rushing stream of my mind.  They are not moving with the water, but they are affecting the ripples and splashes on the surface above them.  They cause eddies and backwashes and undercurrents in the complex flow of my space-ranger brain.  They make life more interesting on the surface.

And besides, knowing useless words can make me sound smarter than the fool with a derfy space-ranger brain that I truly am.

a phrase that you can tell some one when they are being so perfect. since you don’t feel like using the whole word “perfect” you use this phrase.

can also describe a human being/inanimate object and can replace someone’s name.

i just ate a thousand candy bars.
omygod. that’s so perfy derfy.

hey looks it’s perfy derfy!
where?!?!
over there! by the perfy derfy mailbox.
wow. such a perfy derfy.

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I Voted

Today my daughter and I went to the library and voted for Democrats. We voted for Kamala Harris for President, and more importantly… we voted AGAINST Trump. We voted for Colin Allred for Senator, the former NFL player, and more importantly… we voted AGAINST Ted Cruz. I don’t know how my daughter handled the rest of the ballot, by I voted for all the Democrats on the ballot, and none of the Republicans or Libertarians.

The thing is… the Republicans will probably win, especially in Texas. But MAGA Republicans are evil. They cheat and will probably win because of it. The last time I voted against Ted Cruz, I could swear that when my ballot was scanned and flashed on the screen, it changed my vote for Beto O’Rorke into a vote for Ted Cruz. He’s a lizard-man from the center of the Earth, and probably also the Zodiac Killer. And Moldy Mango Trump is a convicted felon still allowed to run for President and somehow immune to prosecution for any crimes committed while he’s President. Satan is slowly taking over as he did in the late 1930s.

To deal with all the stress I drew a naked cat-boy. I know… but it isn’t as evil as what the Republicans do.

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Why an All-Nude Middle School is Worth Researching

***Warning*** There are no real nude public schools that openly do any of what is being suggested here, tongue-in-cheek. This is a humor blog, so of course I’m totally serious!!!

The answer to the question, “Could you ever run a public middle school as an all-nude school?” is definitely NO! The reasons are extensive, but not complex. The culture we have created is so sexually repressed and prudish that the Gordian Knot it is tied up in will never be loosened, cut, or untied. That doesn’t mean, however, that it is an evil idea that would only create chaos and bad outcomes. I know you may think of me as a pervert for even thinking about this topic. But my experience as both a victim of sexual assault and a veteran teacher of both middle schoolers and high schoolers gives me some insight about how a nudist/naturist lifestyle could be beneficial to adolescent learners.

We start by acknowledging that public schools throughout the civilized world rely on dress codes in public schools. Going against that standard can violate the law and will certainly cause backlash from religious groups and the moral outrage of the average Fox News consumer. That is far more dangerous than the benefits would be worth. So, if a school was to be started with a clothing-optional dress code, or a mandatory nudity dress code, it could only be done in an experimental framework with participation from families dedicated to nudism and naturist ideals. I may be lurching into strange idea territory here, but some things are not only true but funny.

The problems that an experimental nudist school would address include the need for open and honest sex education, a better understanding of societal needs for consent and approval, improving individuals’ basic body self-image, and a social acceptance of individual differences and perceptions of beauty and attractiveness.

Of course, you realize this is a humor blog and a topic that is not entirely serious. However, it is humor based on the idea that surprisingly revealed truths can be funny.

Adolescents, especially the middle-school variety, are obsessed with beauty and attractiveness. And if in any modern American middle school the principal suddenly held an assembly and declared that the whole school was going with an all-nude dress code the next morning, many of the students, especially boys, would die on the spot of embarrassment. Comparisons to each other would not be nearly as embarrassing as the inevitable comparisons with what they are used to seeing on TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, and the porn that the adults all lie to themselves about porn not being available to students in grade school through high school graduation.

Middle school boys all see each other naked in public schools because of physical education classes with their mandatory after-class showers. And girls are pretty much the same. The only barrier is that boys and girls do not see each other naked because of unisex shower facilities. Any sneaking into the other side’s shower rooms is treated as a monstrous criminal act. Of course, parents don’t want mixing in that area because they believe it would all turn into a massive heterosexual orgy. They don’t worry about same-sex orgies because those shower rooms are supervised by a same-sex coach who is rarely showering with students. So, boys all imagine how beautiful the girls’ shower room must look while noting all the bulgy-body doughboys and toothpick-thin skinny guys mixed into their shower room. The girls all picture Greek godlings in the boys’ shower room while sneering at all the dumpy dames and skinny Minnies mixed in their own shower room.

So here’s the idea that may get me arrested in Texas. All students naked in the classroom would be a good thing. Kids would see the truth about both sexes. They would not only be able to find the beauty in all sorts of nude bodies, but they would also feel like they could normalize their own self image against the whole rainbow of nude body types. They would be able to accept all the differences and become desensitized to the constant sexualization of nude bodies that our repressive society is prone to.

And get this, teachers of both sexes might be better off dressed in teacher costumes to separate themselves from the hormone Olympics so they might better be able to negotiate the perception problems that kids have about each other even when they are not nude.

Middle school kids are already always metaphorically naked when they are in school. They are not mature enough to know how to conceal private things. This is a real problem for gay boys and girls who are just beginning to realize who they are. So, rather than learning to conceal and hide things, naked kids have to really learn who they and all their friends are underneath it all. The unvarnished naked truth.

My imaginary grandson attends his imaginary nude science class. Yeah… will never happen.

So, there will probably never be an all-nude public middle school. But here’s the first reason it is worth exploring experimentally, maybe in a private school. A nude school would help students fighting to make their way through adolescence to gain a deeper self-awareness than they could get while wearing clothes.

Something to think about while you are lighting the torches and sharpening the tines of your pitchforks to visit my house after midnight. And if I survive this night, there will be other essays on this blog like this that deal with the other possible benefits I listed above.

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Breakfast with Dr. Faustus

Dr. Faustus is a nudist. But that morning he was wearing clothes, standing at the stove frying eggs sunnyside up in one pan, bacon strips in another, and hash browns in the third. I was sitting at the table, the sunshine streaming in through the glass sliding door to his backyard and warming me, lighting up the red and white checkered tablecloth at the same time.

As the mouthwatering smells filled the kitchen with signals that the food was ready, his grandson came barreling through the sliding door. Naked nine-year-old boys are normally kind of gross and horrible, but this kid was an exception to the rule. He was charming and beautifully attractive as a sweet, innocent child—a grandchild that I did not have myself, and I felt slightly jealous of the good doctor because of him.

“Smells good, Grandpa,” said Timothy. “Hi, Uncle Mickey. How come you guys aren’t naked?”

“Hello, Tim,” I said sheepishly.

“Mr. Beyer isn’t going to be here for a long time. And I don’t want to get burned by frying grease. Grab a plate and come here.”

Tim grabbed two plates and brought them to the stove.

“One egg, two bacon strips, and one spatula full of hash browns, Mike?”

“That’ll fit into my diabetic diet. Thanks.”

The good doctor plopped the food on the first plate and Tim brought it to me. Then Tim got his own plate filled and dashed out to the backyard again to eat in the sunshine.

“You’ve got a good one there, Erasmus. If you ever want to get rid of him… well…”

He brought his own plate to the table and sat down across from me. “You know, you could have everything you wanted in life if only you were willing to do what I did.”

“Sell my soul to the Devil, you mean?”

“Well, that’s one way to put it. But I mean focussing on your goals and reducing them to the few things you really want out of life. You basically work very hard to give everything you have away and spend all your time on benefitting others. You don’t keep things for yourself. You don’t build wealth for yourself. Being a teacher is a good example. You gave little pieces of yourself away to every kid. And for what? Most of them probably don’t remember a single thing you taught them. Just think of all the good you could do for yourself if you kept all of that for yourself.”

“Well, I don’t know…”

“For instance, the grandchild question. You told me that you tragically lost your first chance at a grandchild. Something most of your family doesn’t even know. And you also indicated how little your wife cares about anything but your money. As a teacher, you don’t have much of that to care about. What if you left her and found another woman who already has children and grandchildren. There are a lot of them out there looking for someone like you to complete them. You could remarry into a new family with grandchildren already a part of it all. Then you might have one to spend the day with just like me. It only takes putting your own wants and needs first.”

“Imagine what an adopted grandchild in your own backyard might look like.”

“I have a family. And it is not in my nature to try again before the first one has totally failed. My three kids love me. Sometimes my wife does too.”

“But people like you and I have a deeper understanding of the world. We know things that other people don’t know. We have the power to manipulate things. We can control things. We can take power.”

“The only power I have ever wanted is the power to help others.”

“That’s my point. You need to use that power to take things for your own benefit. Think of your little novel-writing business. You are a much better storyteller than you get credit for. You could, with the right amount of focused effort, actually make yourself rich and famous.”

“Not without spending money I don’t have. Not without a miracle.”

“You could very easily do it by spending other people’s money. How do you think billionaires do it? Use your God-given talents to make people invest in you.”

“We’re talking about Devil-given powers, aren’t we?”

“The self-sacrificing thing you rely on will be the end of you.”

“Yes. It probably will. I have lived in the darkness of suicidal self-hatred. I never want to go back there. As it is, if I die today, I will die happy with myself. I have done a hard job for a career and done it to the best of my ability. I have told a few good stories. I mean stories that I am satisfied with, my best work. And my family may not always treat me very well, but what matters more is how I treat them. I will not be burying any chicken bones at a crossroads. I will not sign away my soul to the Devil.”

He laughed. His eggs and bacon were excellent. I wondered what he got out of his deal. But I also knew he was joking as much as I was.

Dr. Faustus is a nudist. But he was wearing clothes that day. And he was also an entirely fictional character. So, don’t worry about him making deals with the Devil.

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Making Portraits

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My biggest regret as a cartoonist and waster of art supplies is the fact that I am not the world’s best portrait artist.  I can only rarely make a work of art look like a real person.  Usually the subject has to to be a person I love or care deeply about.  This 1983 picture of Ruben looks very like him to me, though he probably wouldn’t recognize himself here as the 8th grader who told me in the fall of 1981 that I was his favorite teacher.  That admission on his part kept me from quitting and failing as a first year teacher overwhelmed by the challenges of a poor school district in deep South Texas.

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My Great Grandma Hinckley was really great.

My great grandmother on my mother’s side passed away as the 1970’s came to an end.  I tried to immortalize her with a work of art.  I drew the sketch above to make a painting of her.  All my relatives were amazed at the picture.  They loved it immensely.  I gave the painting to my Grandma Aldrich, her second eldest daughter.  And it got put away in a closet at the farmhouse.  It made my grandma too sad to look at every day.  So the actual painting is still in a closet in Iowa.

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There were, of course, numerous students that made my life a living heck, especially during my early years as a teacher.  But I was one of those unusual teachers (possibly insane teachers) who learned to love the bad kids.  Love/hate relationships tend to endure in your memory almost as long as the loving ones.  I was always able to pull the good out of certain kids… at least in portraits of them.

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When kids pose for pictures, they are not usually patient enough to sit for a portrait artist.  I learned early on to work from photographs, though it has the disadvantage of being only two-dimensional.  Sometimes you have to cartoonify the subject to get the real essence of the person you are capturing in artiness.

But I can’t get to the point of this essay without acknowledging the fact that any artist who tries to make a portrait, is not a camera.  The artist has to put down on paper or canvas what he sees in his own head.  That means the work of art is filtered through the artist’s goofy brain and is transformed by all his quirks and abnormalities.  Therefore any work of art, including a portrait that looks like its subject, is really a picture of the artist himself.  So, I guess I owe you some self portraits to compare.

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Yeah, that’s me at 10… so what?

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