A while back I transmitted a weird alien poetry contest through this blog to the people of Earth. It was a contest for bad poetry. And obviously we only write good poetry on this planet as no entries from the native clothes-wearing primates of this planet were submitted. If you are unclear about the contest of which I speak, here is the link;
The Interstellar Bad Poetry Challenge
While no Earth primate entries were actually submitted (Magilla Gorilla’s entry was disqualified as he is a cartoon character and copyrighted by Hanna Barbera) we did get some entries from illegal aliens. Their contest entries are submitted here for your perusal. However, it is bad poetry. By definition, if you don’t have your Galaxian bad-poetry-reading glasses handy, you should proceed with extreme caution.
This first entry is from a random Space Goon. It is exceptionally bad poetry, and apparently the Goon who wrote it has no individual name. He appears to be one of many dumped on this planet by interstellar authorities in order to prevent them from doing any real damage to planets that matter.
Goon is good
Goon will come
And live in your house
Goon will come
And eat your mouse
Why you no like Goon?
The second entry I intend to inflict on you is a very weird entry I got in container that was apparently filled with radio-active foof gas. While foof gas is apparently a deadly poison in most of the Milky Way, it is non-toxic to humans from Earth. The perpetrator of this poem would only identify himself (or herself… or itself) as Bing-bing the Laser Guy.
I Will Kill You
Bing-bing is hiding on Earth!
How can you not understand this?
If you publish my writings,
And allow the authorities to discover my presence,
I will come to your house and evaporate your head!
The rhythm of that poem is very poor, and the rhyme scheme is non-existent. But it is supposed to be bad poetry, after all. So I suppose it has just as much chance of winning as the rest of them.
The Mookian Space Elf submitted not only a bad poem, but 8 X 10 glossies of himself. He watches endless hours of PBS kid shows, educational cartoons, and inexplicable Boo Bahs and Teletubbies. I think he’s convinced himself that this contest is somehow an audition for a kids’ show. He claims to be able to sing and dance, as well as be funny, educational, and relentlessly cute.
Ain’t I cute?
Ain’t I sweet?
I’ll give you diabetes so bad,
It will surely eat your feet!
And give me so much money
That I’ll laugh so hard I pee!
Yes, if that is poetry, it is really bad poetry.
The final entry is from Ralph the Inexplicable. This amazing being has been on Earth since before there were dinosaurs, so it is possible he is more of an Earthling than we are. He is reputed to be incredibly wise, but his poetry was also hard to translate into English since it was all in ones and zeros. And I don’t speak binary code. So my translation may be less of a bad poem by Ralph and more of a bad poem made up by me.
Song of Slortcherill
Mee tok funni
Mee tok sloe
Leesen two mee
Ann emjoiy da show
Wheen Slortcherill sings
Da winners all brayk
Da kidoinks all screem
Anna moofins all bayk
I was warned that if I translated that poem with proper English spelling, it would fill your head with so much “wisdom”, your brain would melt. So I present it here according to Ralph’s specifications. I did read two of the lines with proper English spellings and felt my head grow distinctly hotter. So I wouldn’t risk thinking too hard about what the proper spellings are if I were you.
None of these entries will probably win the contest. They are all certainly bad poetry. But I am fairly certain that given the competition from this part of the Milky Way Galaxy worse does, in fact, exist out there… somewhere. And may you never be unfortunate enough to find it.