Category Archives: immigration

The State of the Onion


Yep, the state of the onion is stinky.  The great onion that is our world is hyuge.  And it tastes like an onion.  Especially if you eat it from the inside out.  Mmm… I love onions. I want to eat them all myself, every onion in this garden.  But if I am going to do that, I am going to need the support of all sides.  Yes, there is blame to go around on many sides.  But I need their support to get rid of all the dietary restrictions illegally placed upon our garden by the last onion-master-in-chief.  That illegitimate onion-master was not even raised in this garden.  He seems to think that everyone has a right to clean, pesticide-free soil to plant their roots in.  But all garden vegetables are not created equal.  Tomatoes are poisonous.  They all have radical religious beliefs that makes them hate our onion-ness.  They are therefore terrorists, believe me.  They are trying to sneak across the southern border of the garden and take over the onion-growing space that good, conservative, right-thinking onions have and need more of.  They are trying to spread their poison in our garden.  They want to replace our onion laws with their own stinky Tomatillo Law.  And corn.  The Corn Party tries to defeat every item on the onion agenda.  When we pass a law that all corn voters need to be stripped of their kernels before they can be allowed to vote, they selfishly vote against that law.  Government in this onion garden cannot work if they continue to do that.  And we need a wall to keep illegal jalapenos from crossing the garden’s southern border.  They are not the best vegetables, I guarantee you.  They are onion-eaters and foul mixed vegetables.  And promises were made to spring onions that were brought into this garden as seeds and now are crying that they deserve not to be uprooted and thrown into distant gardens where they don’t even speak the proper vegetable languages to get by.  I know this garden loves those onions.  I love those onions too.  I want to eat them too.  They are very nutritious.  But their protections are now gone.  I leave it up to the Corn and Onions of Congress to build that wall, and if they do, I will let the spring onions stay.

And now you can heap praises on me for the state of our economy.  Yes, I take credit for all the fertilizer I have created by speaking tons of bull manure every single day.  The quality of my manure is fabulous… simply fabulous, believe me.  It is the finest manure any garden has ever received.  And I, Donald J. Onioneater, am the finest onion-master you have ever seen.  No onion-master before me has done as well, except maybe for Abraham Limabean.  He was pretty great.  Although I don’t really know why.  Maybe I should have said Andrew Jackfruit instead.  So the state of the onion is stinky.  And let’s all work together now to MAKE THE GARDEN GREAT AGAIN!




Filed under angry rant, goofy thoughts, humor, immigration, irony, metaphor, politics, rants, satire

Immigration Explanation

Immigration is important to me.  My wife’s half of the family are immigrants from the Philippines.  My wife is a resident alien with a green card.  Her quest for citizenship, once an automatic thing because she married me, has been so contorted and convoluted that she is still not a citizen even though we have been married for twenty years due to the fact that this country’s bureaucrats and wealthy elite are trying to block literally everyone who is not the proper shade of pinkish white from entering this country permanently.  My children, all born in this country, are no different than the many “anchor babies” that Mexican people supposedly have a lot of over here so they can stay here.  So I worry that my wife and children will be summarily shipped back to the Philippines for good because we don’t as a people approve of letting them over there come over here and make themselves at home.  My wife has gotten so frustrated that she has given up trying to become a citizen.  She dares them to send her home.  Of course, I won’t be going  with them.  The climate in the Philippines, as well as the volcanoes and typhoons and mudslides, would do me in quickly over there, and Filipino medicine would finish me off.  So, depending on who we elect as the next president, my family is in immigration and deportation jeopardy.

The colorless, lifeless water-zombie Marco Rubio is 90% sponge material... and sponges have no spine.

The colorless, lifeless water-zombie Marco Rubio is 90% sponge material… and sponges have no spine.

The orange-haired bloviator known as Donald Trump.

The orange-haired bloviator known as Donald Trump.

Now, it is entirely possible that the next president will be a Republican.  We seem to have a proscribed political cycle in this country whereby each Democratic president is manditorily followed by eight to twelve years of Republican administrations.  It is the Republicans’ turn.  And as we saw in the 2000 election, they will cheat and miscount votes in order to get their turn.  There is apparently a rule that after each Democratic attempt to solve the nation’s problems, the Republicans have to screw things up again to maximize profits.

Republican presidential candidates run a spectrum on the subject of immigration that starts with Marco Rubio, who supports a Path to Citizenship and recognizes that even the illegal immigrants are an essential part of the part of the economy that still works, to The Donald who says all Mexicans are rapists, though he assumes some are good people.  Rubio, the best of all possible bad choices, keeps his position on immigration a relative secret.  If the Tea Party finds out he holds these anti-American views, he will not only NOT be president, he might get sent back to Cuba  (He happens to be an anchor baby too.)  Trump, on the other end of the spectrum, will destroy our economy to build a Great Wall of Texas/New Mexico/ Arizona/and California to keep all the brown people out.  Of course, he promises to make Mexico pay for the wall, so it is their economy he will try to destroy as he apparently wages war on the Mexicans.  Republicans seem to be no friend to immigrants.

As the video I led off with points out, even children running away from from violence and murder in El Salvador are not welcome here.  As a people we object to paying our tax dollars to help out innocent people who are just trying to raise children in a state of healthy not-dead-ness.  We never object to bombings and invasions by our military that blow up those innocent people’s homes with them still inside.  That is just good business sense.  War is more profitable.  But I don’t remember any pennies from those profits landing in my pocket.  Immigration is just a big game of hating-them-because-they-are-not-exactly-like-us.  And I confess to being sick of playing the game.  I am not exactly-like-us myself.  No one is… I think.  So, let’s try a little harder to understand this whole immigration thing.  Maybe somebody besides the politicians and goofball cartoonists like me needs to take up the issue and solve the problem in a more loving and Christian way.

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Filed under humor, immigration, Paffooney, politics