Yep, the state of the onion is stinky. The great onion that is our world is hyuge. And it tastes like an onion. Especially if you eat it from the inside out. Mmm… I love onions. I want to eat them all myself, every onion in this garden. But if I am going to do that, I am going to need the support of all sides. Yes, there is blame to go around on many sides. But I need their support to get rid of all the dietary restrictions illegally placed upon our garden by the last onion-master-in-chief. That illegitimate onion-master was not even raised in this garden. He seems to think that everyone has a right to clean, pesticide-free soil to plant their roots in. But all garden vegetables are not created equal. Tomatoes are poisonous. They all have radical religious beliefs that makes them hate our onion-ness. They are therefore terrorists, believe me. They are trying to sneak across the southern border of the garden and take over the onion-growing space that good, conservative, right-thinking onions have and need more of. They are trying to spread their poison in our garden. They want to replace our onion laws with their own stinky Tomatillo Law. And corn. The Corn Party tries to defeat every item on the onion agenda. When we pass a law that all corn voters need to be stripped of their kernels before they can be allowed to vote, they selfishly vote against that law. Government in this onion garden cannot work if they continue to do that. And we need a wall to keep illegal jalapenos from crossing the garden’s southern border. They are not the best vegetables, I guarantee you. They are onion-eaters and foul mixed vegetables. And promises were made to spring onions that were brought into this garden as seeds and now are crying that they deserve not to be uprooted and thrown into distant gardens where they don’t even speak the proper vegetable languages to get by. I know this garden loves those onions. I love those onions too. I want to eat them too. They are very nutritious. But their protections are now gone. I leave it up to the Corn and Onions of Congress to build that wall, and if they do, I will let the spring onions stay.
And now you can heap praises on me for the state of our economy. Yes, I take credit for all the fertilizer I have created by speaking tons of bull manure every single day. The quality of my manure is fabulous… simply fabulous, believe me. It is the finest manure any garden has ever received. And I, Donald J. Onioneater, am the finest onion-master you have ever seen. No onion-master before me has done as well, except maybe for Abraham Limabean. He was pretty great. Although I don’t really know why. Maybe I should have said Andrew Jackfruit instead. So the state of the onion is stinky. And let’s all work together now to MAKE THE GARDEN GREAT AGAIN!
Catch a Falling Star 