Tag Archives: satire

August 28, 2015 · 1:55 pm

In Search of the Mythical Socialist Bigfoot

While the Republican Presidential Clown College continues to shoot their mouths off… and sometimes shoot their own foot off… or put their foot in their mouth and shoot both off… (Dang! See what you get for being too friendly with the NRA, Republicans?) I decided to track down the mythical creature that Fox News and Rush Limbaugh constantly warn is the socialist-communist-terrorist-really-bad-guy behind everything President Obama and liberals do, Saul Alinsky.

You see, I have been battling the evil Bond villain Badfinger for days now. He has been exercising his evil on my more Republican and conservative Facebook friends for a while. They have been posting up a storm of crap about how terrible Obama is, and how false climate change is, and how we should not try to lift up the poor by tearing down the rich… things that sound suspiciously like talking points on Fox News where they mention Saul Alinsky a lot. (Yes, I do watch Fox News sometimes. It is always on at my favorite A&W in Lewisville. And besides, sometimes it is therapeutic to induce vomiting when you’ve had too much poison and disrespect.)

A truck-driver friend posted this on Facebook trying to save me from my liberal Democratic urges.

Boy, Saul Alinsky sounds like a real monster! But if Saul Alinsky really said this, and he really is a socialist, why do so many of these sound so much like fascist/capitalist ideas? The kind of control they are urging is what appears to me to be the thing that would benefit fat-cat oligarchs and rich-old-guy control freaks. So I turned to Wikipedia to learn more about this evil, very evil guy. (I know, Wikipedia is discredited because it is edited and referenced by the people who use it… but a source that is factually checked and edited daily can sometimes be more accurate than the rarely updated articles in Encyclopedia Brittanica.)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saul_Alinsky

Wikipedia says that he was a Jewish-American community organizer and writer. (Red flags have to go up for Republicans for that alone.) And worse yet he was focused on improving the lives of poor people in American cities, particularly black people. He was working with black people in ghettos in New York City, Detroit, and other notable “trouble spots” in the 1950’s. How did he avoid the wrath of righteous commie hunters like Senator Joe McCarthy doing a work like that? Oh, wait a minute… It says in the article that William F. Buckley praised him as an “organizational genius”. How did he avoid prison after being endorsed by a commie like that? Um, right?

His book, Rules for Radicals, begins like this; “What follows is for those who want to change the world from what it is to what they believe it should be. The Prince was written by Machiavelli for the Haves on how to hold power. Rules for Radicals is written for the Have-Nots on how to take it away.”

There’s the damning evidence right there. He means to punish the wealthy and the greedy and the powerful by taking away some of their excess and giving it to the powerless who are starving and suffering from want. No communist except maybe… Jesus Christ… could have proposed anything more radical and perverse.

And look at some of the terrible methods he used. He once used what he called a “fart in” to disrupt rich folks’ sensibilities at the Rochester Philharmonic concert in Rochester, New York. He organized a group of classical-music-loving radicals to eat huge quantities of baked beans, then go to the concert and intentionally alter the atmosphere for rich patrons of the arts. That will either bring down Western Civilization as we know it, or make somebody die laughing. You can’t get much more evil than that, can you?

When asked whether he hadn’t actually considered joining the Communist Party, Alinsky responded like this; “Not at any time. I’ve never joined any organization—not even the ones I’ve organized myself. I prize my own independence too much. And philosophically, I could never accept any rigid dogma or ideology, whether it’s Christianity or Marxism. One of the most important things in life is what Judge Learned Hand described as ‘that ever-gnawing inner doubt as to whether you’re right.’ If you don’t have that, if you think you’ve got an inside track to absolute truth, you become doctrinaire, humorless and intellectually constipated. The greatest crimes in history have been perpetrated by such religious and political and racial fanatics, from the persecutions of the Inquisition on down to Communist purges and Nazi genocide.”

Man, oh, man! I owe such a debt to my conservative Facebook friends for exposing this monster to me. I didn’t know what Fox News was ranting about until now. I now believe this evil Saul Alinsky may actually be worthy of respect. They may have actually reinforced my loony liberal belief that the American Government exists to better the lives of all its citizens. It has definitely opened my eyes to the dangers of…thinking like a Republican.

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Filed under humor, Paffooney, politics

Tagged as conservative friends, conspiracy theory, humor, paffooney, pen and ink, politics, satire, Saul Alinsky, Wikipedia

August 27, 2015 · 2:13 pm

Badfinger

Yes, there is a James Bond villain who has targeted Texas freeways, liberal politics, and Facebook in general. He is a bad, bad man who likes to inflame arguments, create racial tension, and fan the fires of road rage. So, this is my attempt to call this bad man out and make you aware of at least some of what he’s doing.

First of all, I know a way that you can prevent Badfinger’s minions from driving on Teexas roadways. You can cut off the middle finger of both hands, and those minions don’t know how to drive any longer. I saw that in action today as I took my number two son to the oral surgeon to have four wisdom teeth extracted (and yes, I know that is probably a bad idea, but he didn’t really have that much wisdom with the teeth still in, anyway). To get into the proper turning lane, I chose a spot I thought I could get into. I pulled up to the spot with my turn signal on so the driver in that lane could clearly see my intention. He zoomed up to close the opening and gave me the middle-finger-indication of his approximate I.Q. as measured by driving habits. So, I decided to go behind him. But he immediately, without signaling, tried to ram his way through to the lane I was patiently waiting in. I had to back my car up while sitting, waiting for the light to change. The guy behind me felt he needed to signal his I.Q. But he was apparently smarter by one than the other driver as it took both hands to accomplish this feat. When the light turned green, the minion in front of me reminded me of his I.Q. again and zoomed into my lane and passed three cars in the lane he was originally in, then forced his way back into the lane to make the turn. This bit of gracious roadway etiquette accomplished two things the driver probably didn’t intend. One, he nearly got his precious BMW dented by the car he cut in front of, and two, his mad swoop left a void in his lane that I could get into so that I might safely round the corner on the next green light.

John Kasich flipping the byrd at teachers.

Another minion of Badfinger is a politician that, until recently, I thought was one of the least evil of the toxic clowns in the Republican Volkswagen, John Kasich. He proved to be an enemy of mine because recently he put the finger on the entire problem with education, teacher’s lounges. Apparently it is not enough to take strong union representation away from teachers. He doesn’t want evil communist teachers getting together to complain about class sizes, increasing teacher layoffs, reduced funding, and increasingly draconian testing rules in bastions of communist union power, which he believes are the insidious teacher’s lounges. I’m not sure why he thinks he’s punishing teachers by taking that cramped little misappropriated closet space away from us. What will we lose? A place to make copies on the xerox machine? Our departments have no money for paper or ink. A place to put our lunches in an antique refrigerator which may or may not prevent spoilage at temperatures a little warmer than room temperature? Most of us can’t afford the slice of our fifteen minute lunch hour to walk all the way to the other side of campus and go up two flights of stairs. But he doesn’t want us to have a place to bad mouth the government that exists only to make our lives harder. And he doesn’t realize that most teachers save their gruesome and evil plans for rebellion until they can meet together at Hop Xing’s Bar and Grill (now with Karaoke) at a time of day when it no longer matters if they get totally schnockered, or if they burst into spontaneous karaoke versions of Journey songs. Teachers will continue to do the job even without the lavish teacher lounges that don’t actually exist anyway.

So, what am I proposing we do to combat Badfinger and his multiple minions in the fight for God and country and a little respect? How about an anti-bloviator ray gun that we can disguise as an ink pen? It might prove useful against Donald Trump and other Republicans that are our potential next President and chief vilifier of rogue educators. How about a secret politeness pill that we can slip into the drinking water and make everybody, Badfinger’s minions included, into nicer people? I’m sure those things will never get voted for… primarily because we really need them.

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Filed under education, humor, Paffooney

Tagged as Bond villains, colored marker, education, humor, paffooney, pen and ink, road rage, satire

August 20, 2015 · 2:15 pm

Terry Pratchett, the Grand Wizard of Discworld

image borrowed from TVtropes.com

I firmly believe that I would never have succeeded as a teacher and never gotten my resolve wrapped around the whole nonsense package of being a published author if I hadn’t picked up a copy of Mort, the first Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett that I ever encountered. I started reading the book as a veteran dungeon-master at D&D role-playing games and also as a novice teacher having a world of difficulty trying to swim up the waterfalls of Texas education fast enough to avoid the jagged rocks of failure at the bottom. I was drinking ice tea when I started reading it. More of that iced tea shot out my nose while reading and laughing than went down my gullet. I almost put myself in the hospital with goofy guffaws over Death’s apprentice and his comic adventures on a flat world riding through space and time on the backs of four gigantic elephants standing on the back of a gigantic-er turtle swimming through the stars. Now, I know you have no earthly idea what this paragraph even means, unless you read Terry Pratchett. And believe me, if you don’t, you have to start. If you don’t die laughing, you will have discovered what may well be the best humorist to ever put quill pen to scroll and write. And if you do die laughing, well, there are worse ways to go, believe me.

Discworld novels are fantasy-satire that make fun of Tolkien and Conan the Barbarian (written by Robert E. Howard, not the barbarian himself) and the whole world of elves and dwarves and heroes and dragons and such. You don’t even have to love fantasy to like this stuff. It skewers fantasy with spears of ridiculousness (a fourth level spell from the Dungeons of Comedic Magic for those fellow dungeon masters out there who obsessively keep track of such things). The humor bleeds over into the realms of high finance, education, theater, English and American politics, and the world as we know it (but failed to see from this angle before… a stand-on-your-head-and-balance-over-a-pit-of-man-eating-goldfish sort of angle).

Terry Pratchett’s many wonderful books helped me to love what is ugly, because ugly is funny, and if you love something funny for long enough, you understand that there is a place in the world even for goblins and trolls and ogres. Believe me, that was a critical lesson for a teacher of seventh graders to learn. I became quite fond of a number of twelve and thirteen year old goblins and trolls because I was able see through the funny parts of their inherent ugliness to the hidden beauty that lies within (yes, I know that sounds like I am still talking about yesterday’s post, but that’s because I am… I never stop blithering about that sort of blather when it comes to the value hidden inside kids).

I have made it a personal goal to read every book ever written by Terry Pratchett. And that goal is now within reach because even though he is an incredibly prolific writer, he has passed on withing the last year. He now only has one novel left that hasn’t reached bookstores. Soon I will only need to read a dozen more of his books to finish his entire catalog of published works. And I am confident I will learn more lessons about life and love and laughter by reading what is left, and re-reading some of the books in my treasured Terry Pratchett paperback collection. Talk about your dog-eared tomes of magical mirth-making lore! I know I will never be the writer he was. But I can imitate and praise him and maybe extend the wonderful work that he did in life. This word-wizard is definitely worth any amount of work to acquire and internalize. Don’t take my convoluted word for it. Try it yourself.

borrowed from artistsUK.com

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Filed under book review, humor, NOVEL WRITING

Tagged as book review, books, Discworld, fantasy, favorite author, humor, novel writing, satire, teaching, Terry Pratchett

August 18, 2015 · 3:10 pm

Clowns (An Edited Re-Post from 2013)

When you are small, there is something intimidating about a man in strange clothes and a garish pattern of white and red and blue all over his face. What is he hiding? What does he want? Why does he squeeze off a blast from that ridiculous little horn with the big red squeeze bulb right in your little-boy face? His big floppy shoes suggest monstrous feet. Why does he have such a big mouth with red paint all around it? “The better to eat you with, my dear!”

But clowns have a purpose for those of us who are no longer frightened little boys. They parody our actions and exaggerate everything. They look like us, sound like us, and behave like us if only we are able to look at ourselves times twelve or thirteen. They are essential to our lives and our happiness. Why, you ask? Because, my friend, we should never take ourselves too seriously. If we look at life only through serious eyes, we will never get enough of weeping. When we fill up too many balloons full of air with our face painted on them, balloons of self-importance, as serious adults are wont to do, then we need to find the maniac with the pin. He’s not always a professional with face paint and floppy shoes. Sometimes he is the mailman, the local grocer, or even your deadbeat brother-in-law. But the point is, no matter how scary he sometimes seems, we all depend on the clown. We all need the foolishness of the most foolish among us. It keeps us sane.

Why then did I have to take it upon myself to give the world clowns? After all, that is precisely what I am doing as a writer. I am physically miserable with my six incurable diseases. I have diabetes, arthritis, hyper tension, psoriasis, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder, and I have a prostate the size of a cantaloupe. I can’t walk without a cane. I can’t breathe while I’m walking. I can’t pee without pain. I can’t draw as much as I’d like. And I have already been forced to retire from teaching… the single greatest thing I ever did with my foolish little life. Oh, and every night while I’m trying to sleep, I itch the top layer of skin off all my most sensitive anatomical parts thanks to the gift of psoriasis. I have every reason to just curl up in a ball and cry. But that’s not what a clown does. A clown picks himself up and dusts off that rusty tin can that he keeps his sense of humor in. He takes a pinch of clown snuff out of the can along with the rusty pin and induces an eye-opening sneeze of monstrous proportions. A clown looks at the world around him with newly enlarged eyes and sees all the really absurd things that are there. He looks at the way high school students act. He sees politicians like Ted Cruz strutting around like a peacock in the U.S. Senate. The clown sees injustice, moronic balloons with Ted Cruz’s face on them getting bigger and bigger and probably presidential, people on Texas roadways turning road rage into performance art, and even the contradictory things the clown’s wife says to him in little cartoon speech balloons that never seem to agree with each other and fight back and forth until they fill up the entire Cartoon Panel of Real Life. The clown sharpens that sense of humor, that crooked little pin, until it is balloon-popping razor sharp. It suddenly becomes time to pop a few balloons.

There are clowns in my writing not just because I like to write humor, but because it is the only way I can truly fight back. I must crack a few jokes. I must take a few metaphors and push them and pull them until they are so out of shape they form a picture of Ted Cruz’s face. I must puncture things and blow things up. I must toss sarcasm-berry pies at Ted Cruz’s face. (Actually, I love Ted Cruz. What wannabe humorist wouldn’t? He’s such an easy target.) I must mock things and ape people. I must sock things and grape people… waitaminnit! Grape people? Is that what a one-eyed, one-horned, giant purple people eater eats? I must do all the funny foolish things that a foolish funny clown can do to make the tears turn to laughter and pain to be ignored. Ted Cruz to be ignored too, if possible.

I have a riff or two to do on the clown heroes who inspire me. Red Skelton, Milton Berle, Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, and even Charlie Chaplin. But maybe that has to wait for another day… another post. As teachers and other clowns must always be aware, the attention span of the audience wears out quickly. If you have read this far, you are getting sleepy… sleepy (Michael Beyer is the funniest writer you ever read and you will not remember that I am the one who told you so).

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Filed under clowns, humor, Paffooney

Tagged as clowns, goofiness, humor, metaphor, paffooney, satire, silliness, Ted Cruz

August 12, 2015 · 2:05 pm

Laurel and Hardy Politics

Now, you probably know that I would not ever actually watch the GOP Presidential debates. I am not a sadomasochist looking to seriously torture my own brain, especially the logic and ethical centers of my brain. But you cannot help but get some highlights (or more properly, low-lights) from the news. And the most telling thing that struck me about the bits and pieces of the clown-alley massacre that is called a Republican debate, is that the comedy team of Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy are re-incarnated and running for president. Compare these two images.

I mean, you see it, don’t you? Rand Paul is Stan Laurel. He has the same eyes. The same rubbery mouth and chin. Chris Christie is Oliver Hardy. Notice the double chin. The porcine eyes and pig-like smugness. They have the same political facial tics and brain spasms.

Rand Paul is a Libertarian at heart. That means he has no earthly idea how things work. He would just dismantle government if he had his druthers, and he firmly believes that government should keep its hands off everything. No foreign policy. No protections from the predatory practices of free-market businesses. “Leave it alone and it’ll come home,” is his philosophy. And when he gets in trouble for his mistakes, he scratches the top of his head with one hand while he holds his hat in the other and cries.

Chris Christie is a political bully. His bluster and bombast attacks lazy folks like public school teachers. How dare they think they can unionize in his State and demand better wages for the hard job they are doing trying to live up to the high testing standards that he has imposed? He is angry practically all the time. When his revenge policies get called out by the news media, he blames others for the problem and throws a tantrum.

But, wait a minute. I have seen that pattern in other places too. The bully and the idiot! That could be Abbott and Costello too! Well, of course, Paul and Christie look more like Stan and Ollie. But the debate had more than its share of “Who’s on First?” routines in it. Maybe Bud and Lou are reincarnated too in Ted Cruz and Rick Perry. Ted is bully enough to filibuster and shut down the government when he doesn’t get everything he wants. And Rick Perry cannot remember three things at the same time. And they are both from Texas. That definitely smacks of comedy duo.

In the singular argument that made the news reports between Rand Paul and Chris Christie, they had a spat over government surveillance that had to be a comedy routine. Rand Laurel cried that he didn’t want government wiretaps to snoop into the business of everyday Americans, though somehow he still wants to collect private data from “terrorists”. How does he do that, precisely? Passing a law to make all terrorists wear a bell around their neck so we know who to spy on?

And Ollie Christie came back at him that he could not be considered a patriot if he didn’t allow government spying on everybody to root out the bad apples. Rand Laurel rebounded with an insult that pointed out that Ollie Christie committed the unforgivable Republican error of hugging Obama during the Hurricane Sandy debacle. And Ollie Christie tossed a last word back at him with the bombastic equivalent of, “This is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into!”

I have to think about this all very carefully. I may have been too hasty in my judgments. Perhaps the GOP Clown College debates are something I would get numerous yuks and giggles out of. I may have to consider actually watching the next mess.

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Filed under humor, politics, satire

Tagged as Abbott and Costello, clowns, comedy duos, goofiness, humor, Laurel and Hardy, politics, Republican politics, satire

July 29, 2015 · 2:40 pm

A Letturr to the NRA

(This is satire… so, all you redneck friends of mine… don’t holler “YES! He finally sees the light!” Because I am being ironic, and trying to make fun of all the sensible and right-thinking things you believe, and cannot ever give up trying to make me believe also.)

Dear Mr. Wayne LaPierre,

You has done got the rite ideer about guns. I agree whole-heartedly with all the love in my little black one-hunnert per cent ‘Merican heart that the only answer to a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a bigger ‘n better gun. My name is Lester Winchuk, and I is a good, God-fearin’ Texas good-ol’-boy. And I have bigger ‘n better guns. Now, my main guvvenner, the great an’ honorable Rick Perry of the grand State of Texas (may God ever bless her little black one-hunnert per cent ‘Merican heart) has suggested on the Fox News that since some of them insane mass-shooter dudes likes to go inta movie theeatters and shoot them up some innocent people, we all otter be takin’ our beloved guns to the movies with us so we can pertekt ourselfs and the other folk too. In fact, I like the ideer of taking my bigger ‘n better guns to the movies with me. I jes’ might need to shoot some folks when that there Minions movie plays at the dollar movies in Laredo.

We still has three of these here dis-integrator gun thingies left from the last alien invasion of South Texas, for sale cheap!

I does has one question, though. How does you aim proper at the bad guy’s haid or heart in a dark ol’ movie theeatter? Does you has to wait for a daylight scene in the movie so you can draw a proper bead on the monkey-flipper? (I doesn’t mean to actually say monkey-flipper, but I doesn’t know how to spell whut I actually mean, and thass the best the spell-checker thingy can do for me.) I would like to suggest a common-sense solution to this problem. I find that if you plug two or three… or six of the folks in the dark where you heard the first dang-old gun shots coming from, you will probably get him. And gettin’ that old perpetraitor is the main and most important thing, right? My brother Wayne (not actually named after you, but you is welcomed to be flattered by it) says maybe you shouldn’t plug any of the littler ones in case they may be innocent children or something… but I says, well, the shooter might be a midget, right?

I does has one old idjit English teacher, Mr. Beyer, who tole me I has gots to be more careful with my beloved guns. He seems to think that whut I thinks about guns is somewhat downright immoral or some such nonsense. But I tells him, I is always veeery careful with my beloved, bigger ‘n better guns. In all my years of carrying my guns everywhere I goes, even into the showers at the campgrounds we uses for our Confederate Social Club meetin’, they ain’t never gotten one ding-dang little ol’ rust spot or scratch on any of ’em.

This lettur was lovingly and carefully writ to you by,

Lester D. Winchuk, son of South Texas…

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Filed under humor, Paffooney, satire, Texas

Tagged as cartoon, Fox News, gun nuts, humor, NRA, paffooney, pen and ink, Rick Perry of Texas, satire

July 11, 2015 · 1:04 pm

Why You Should Shoot Yourself in the Foot Rather Than Vote for Donald Trump

I confess. I am subject to the annoying liberal belief that if I check my facts and make properly reasonable arguments, I can save the world from all the political idiots and partisan clowns that are filling the American scene with horse poop. Of course, I just got back home to Texas from a week-long visit to Iowa, and in both places there are people that I respect and love that feel that everything conservatives and even Tea Party Republicans say on Fox News makes sense. How deluded can you be? It almost makes a loony liberal communist anti-Christ like me start using the other word for poop.

The problem, I believe, lies in the -ists and the -isms. For example, racists and racism or anti-Zionists and anti-Zionism (words that I believe Hitler chose to describe how he felt about ants who were from Zion… or something) are -ists and -isms. The kind of -ists and -isms that makes people from Iowa argue that the Confederate flag represents culture not hatred, even though that particular flag killed a large number of Iowans in the “Hornet’s Nest” at the Battle of Shiloh in 1862 in Missouri. Iowa was on the Union side. That war, by the way, was a war of rebellion by the South who wanted to be a separate nation so they could keep buying and selling people like they were pet hamsters and working them like they were mules. (See what I mean… loony liberals let facts get in the way of all the really cool ideas?)

My children and I had a discussion of -ists and -isms at the Burger King today, because the Princess didn’t want to sit next to her brother, because… well, brothers are stinky and bother you and she would just end up being unfairly in trouble for pouring her medium soft drink over his head. We talked about how people are prone to let prejudices control their behavior instead of using civil, loving, Christian values. The Princess was being a seat-ist and subject to seat-ism. And then we noted that if she hopped from seat to seat, she would be a repeat-ist seat-ist. And if she took a real disliking to the seat, she might turn into a seat-ist beat-ist. And if she obsessively tried to clean the seat of big-brother cooties, she was being a neat-ist seat-ist. And we got a good laugh at the expense of seat-ists everywhere.

animal.kukuchew.com

And taking Donald Trump seriously as a presidential candidate this last week is the same stupid thing. The man opened his mouth during his announcement speech and proceeded to spew horse poop about Mexicans being rapists and drug-dealers and other criminals coming across our borders to take our stuff and rape our women and do all kinds of evil horse poop… because he was reading from a carefully researched speech foot-noted with crime statistics… or possibly because The Donald would never just speak boat-loads of horse poop hatefully off the top of his head. (Notice I resisted the temptation to use the other word for poop three whole times! I am a slave to political correctness and need to be called out for it.)

I learned a few things about immigration over the last decade of being an ESL teacher (English for non-English speakers). If you come from a properly white-skinned country like, say, Finland, you have a relatively easy time immigrating to the U.S. If you come from a brown or black country, you face a barb-wire-shrouded mine field in the form of a legal immigration process, and once you make it legally to this country, any little slip-up or typo… even those you don’t make yourself… can get you re-classified as illegal and deported. Parents are deported away from their children. Children get deported even though they were born in this country and speak only English. My own Filipino wife is still not a citizen after twenty years of marriage. And most of those “illegal immigrants” that so disturb The Donald (and Ted Cruz, and Rick Santorum, and Rick Perry. and the rest of the Republican Clown Alley) do important jobs that employers have a hard time filling otherwise. If they are actually illegal, they pay into the system in the form of income tax and are unable to claim any benefits because they risk discovery and deportation. Thinking these hard-working, under-loved people are all criminals is horse poop.

But enough with the horse-poop discussion. I hate when my posts end up full of poop. Donald Trump is the worst kind of -ist and full of the most terrible kinds of -isms. If you shoot yourself in the foot, it will heal, at most, in a couple of months. If you vote for Donald Trump, you may end up having to live in a horse-poop factory for four years. Do you really like man-made horse poop? It is a lot more toxic than the organic stuff. (Dang! Even loony-liberal political correctness doesn’t keep the danged poop from piling up!)

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Filed under humor, Paffooney, politics

Tagged as clowns, Donald Trump, humor, immigration, orangutan people, political humor, politics, sarcasm, satire

June 10, 2015 · 2:52 pm

Evil Lizard Politics

There are conspiracy theorists out there, like one David Icke, who will tell you the Queen of England, Hillary Clinton, and President Obama are really reptilian aliens who can shape-shift and take the form of our world leaders. According to these “experts”, the world is secretly ruled by alien lizard-people. Of course, these experts are filled with the most aromatic sort of logical fallacies and anti-reasonable total Texas horse-poop that it is possible to be filled with and still be a functional human bean… er, being.

Their intelligence is gathered mostly by marijuana-fueled revelations that they obtain with the same sort of spiritual clarity that led to the foundation of the Heaven’s Gate Cult, but typically result in hefty speaking fees for David Icke and friends, because they never quite drink their own Koolaid. That doesn’t rule out lizards from controlling our politics, however. How else do you explain Ted Cruz for President and the majority of the Republican Party?

Here is the really bad news; If you look carefully into what politicians are doing in the world today, particularly Republican politicians in the U.S. (although they are by no means alone in this) you discover that secret agendas, alien or otherwise, are enslaving and even killing us. Let me give you some good ol’ Texas ferinstances to choke on.

!. Evil politicians named Rick are making sure the middle class and the poor get so screwed that all the nuts and bolts in our society are stressed to the point of breaking. Ferinstance… I came across this eye-opening article about what Republican Governor Rick Snyder is doing to Michigan.

A Magical Mystery Tour of American Austerity Politics by Laura Gottesdiener, TomDispatch

Michigan is gutting programs for the people; reducing police forces, closing schools in favor of for-profit charter schools, and lowering environmental protection standards to the point of poisoning entire cities, all in the name of budget-balancing, while at the same time giving millions, if not billions of dollars in tax breaks to the very corporations that are causing pollution and out-sourcing jobs. The cancer is spreading through lizard-like politicians named Rick. Rick Scott of Florida has campaigned vigorously against the Affordable Care Act, claiming it is a looming financial disaster waiting to happen. Of course it hasn’t happened yet. Still, financial disaster remains a distinct possibility because Rick Scott is one of several Republican governors that refused Federal funds to set up a working health insurance exchange for those without health insurance, and then also refused to set up an exchange of his own for Florida. It looks suspiciously like a Governor using his Goobernatorial powers to make the thing fail. Of course, no governor named Rick can even come close to Rick Perry, former Emperor of Texas. Perry has done all the same things as Governor Scott and Governor Snyder, but has one-upped them by leaving office with a cloud of indictments over his head for abusing his power to get revenge on employees in the justice department for being Democratic in nature. And he doesn’t have to worry about his former empire because he left it in the scaly hands of his chosen successor and probable clone, Greg Abbot. The creature-feature cowboy will now ignore his indictments because he appointed all the judges that could possibly try him, leaving him free to run for president.

2. There is a big although to the Rick Perry presidency, though. It is this. Jeb Bush wants to be the next President of the United States. And he will be. There is nothing anyone can do about it. Why do I believe it is inevitable? His older brother, Larry the Cable Guy… er, I mean Lonesome George W. was defeated in the 2000 election by Al Gore. He got to be president anyway. Why? Because Florida made the difference. Jeb was governor of Florida before you had to be named Rick to be truly evil. Jeb promised Florida to his brother, and when the election was called in favor of Gore, Jeb said, “Whoa now! Let’s just take a little look-see at those results one more time.” With the help of black voter roles being reduced wherever and whenever possible, along with suppression of the Hispanic vote, and taking a hammer to voting machines, and counting every hanging chad as unscoreable, and having Republican political operatives doing the recount, and having the Supreme Court’s conservative wing as an ace in the hole, and… well you know, he delivered on his promise.

My Republican friends think I am nuts when I say these things about Republicans. Why do I take the word of the “liberal media” just because they document things and back them up with verifiable facts? Republicans are not in it just to enrich their campaign-donor billionaire friends at the expense of everyone else. Of course not. But, just in case, I drew a Paffooney for today of what I think Ted Cruz looks like in his alien lizard-man incarnation. See what you think.

The Secrets in the Vault

Today I want to direct your attention to my vault. It is a new blog page where I keep cartoon stories that I intend to continually edit and update with new ‘toons. It is called Mickey’s House of Fiction. You can find it here;

Mickey’s House of Fiction

The Paffooney’s I offer today as a sample are merely the title page and introduction of a new cartoon project.

Family Issues

There comes a time when you simply have to put things on the line to protect your family from the predations of the world at large. I am in a struggle now over health insurance. Health insurance companies never complain about receiving premium payments, but you have to go to war at times over claims where you try to activate the services you paid the premiums for. I am having trouble now even though the previous insurance had no problem with paying their part for the very same services I am arguing for now. The new insurance will not accept without a fight. So now my Paffooney picture portrays Daddy going to war instead of Poppa coming home. I will think hard about what is funny in this situation. I mean to come back with a lampoon of these pirates. That’s how you kill a whale, right? Lampoon it with a really sharp lampoon… or was that HARpoon? Whatever… more really bad puns to come later when I have gathered my wits and sharpened my harpoons.

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