We here in Texas are still the way God made us.
Stop cringing so much when you hear me say it. Texas is where God goes to spend the Winter. Everything is practically perfect in Texas. The weather never varies more than 60 degrees in any single hour. Our tornadoes and hurricanes are way bigger and way more destructive than you get in other States. You think your school systems are producing learners who are spectacularly dumb? They don’t even begin to compare with learning levels here in the Lone Star State. Why, we are the Lone Star State mainly because we don’t want too many stars for our college graduates to count. You think health care in your State is poor quality and high priced? We have million dollar mortuaries that are profitably close, no more than a block or two, from every hospital. We break records in the number of bankruptcy filings over hospital bills while our health insurance providers are making record-breaking profits! You can’t beat that with a stick! No, I mean it. Look how big my stick is, and I couldn’t successfully beat it.
And we choose only the best politicians to represent us. Senator Ted Cruz is not only a former front-runner in the 2016 Presidential race for the GOP nomination, he’s the Zodiac Killer in addition to that. Just ask the internet. If the internet says it, it must be true. And Representative Louie Gohmert of the Texas First District is so bald you can be blinded by the Texas sunshine reflecting off the top of his stupid head. And his name reminds you of TV’s Gomer Pyle, someone Louie is almost as smart as. And he’s a Texas Tea Party Congressman who does Tea Parties so well he makes the Mad Hatter jealous. And Senator John Cornyn tells jokes that make country people laugh. After all, he has “corny” in his danged name!
And Texas motorists are among the best in the country. No, check that, they are the best! No other State has the kind of yearly highway kill score that Texas has. Believe me, pedestrians routinely get bounced off the hood and into ditches, slow-going vehicles and semi trucks are routinely forced off overpasses to beautiful fiery displays of chaos and carnage below. Texas killer grandmas in their shiny Lincoln Continentals with the longhorn horns on the grill will kill you deader than the local rocks. Nobody drives faster and more aggressively than a Texas killer grandma.
We have way more millionaires and billionaires than other stupid States. And we outscore them all in the numbers of poor people and immigrants holding down three jobs at once and still needing food stamps to live.
Yes, everything’s bigger in Texas. We’ve got all y’all beat all to heck!
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Sunday Sermons in More Innocent Times
There are definitely tendencies in those of us who are really atheists and non-believers in our heads to look back fondly at a time when God and religion filled our childish hearts every Sunday Morning. I have been told that idiots like me with a penchant for writing humor ought not to indulge in making fun of religion and politics. But I look at modern humorists making fun of both those things with impunity and too often end up admiring their success. Because, not only does the the subject of religion provide an easy target for satire and mockery, but we can’t really keep something sacred in our porcelain and breakable human hearts for very long without making sure it is fire-tested. That’s why I intend to take a flame-thrower to it in today’s Sunday Sermon. And I don’t mean I will only make fun of belief in God, but making fun of belief in atheism as well.
Here is a piece of music that gives your heart peace that you might need to play in the background if you really plan to read this purple-paisley-prose post. It is Pachelbel’s Canon in D Major, a very spiritual piece to play for peace of personhood and a pinch of paradise.
Now, of course, the first thing to acknowledge in this idiot’s Sunday sermon is the idea of God Himself.
Is there a God?
Remember, I pass the test for believing what atheists normally believe. That should disqualify me from making the following statement. But remember too, I also identified myself in this essay as an idiot. So, I will say it anyway.
There is a God, not in Heaven, but in us. There has to be. I talk to Him all the time, and He answers me. And I keep asking Him, “If you don’t exist, then how can you be answering me?”
“Well, Michael, you are an idiot. And things don’t have to make sense for you to believe them. But also, I am the part of you that never gives up on you even when you have given up on yourself.”
And I try to look as intelligent as I can as I say, “What…?”
“People, Mickey, my son, have a secret power inside of themselves that, when they are in troubled times and dire dangers, they can reach deep into their souls for it and pull it out to save themselves from the situation in the best way possible.”
“So, if people use this power correctly, say the right words and everything, they can save their lives in any situation and even live on after death?”
“I know you are an idiot, my child, but try not to be quite so idiotic all the time.”
“But people who are very religious believe in eternal life of some kind, don’t they?”
“You are not the only idiot out there, my beloved.”
“So, we don’t get eternal life for praying the right things and doing the right things and fulfilling all the elements of the Live Forever Spell?”
“There is no such thing as eternal life nor eternal torment. But you exist. And existence is eternal. There was no life before you are born, and there is no life after you die. But once you exist, you always exist, even outside of the time-frame of your mortal life.”
“That’s why I call myself a Christian Existentialist, right?”
“You are, indeed, that flavor of idiot, yes. But the Christian part means you have to adhere to Christian values. And not the ones Christian Fundamentalist idiots interpret from the Old Testament. The real ones based on choosing love over hate.”
“So, is that all I need to bring this sermon to an end?”
“Well, you should probably thank William Bouguereau for providing most of the internet images you illustrated this thing with. He died before you were born, but he still exists.”
“Thanks, Billy B. You paint lovely naked angels.”
“And you should recognize that this idiotic thing you have written is not a sermon, but, rather, a fantasy dialogue. And then stop adding more to it like a good little idiot.”
“Amen.”
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