Google “PAFFOONEY”

One of the most important things about my blog has been that I can share my artwork.  I have always been capable of a reasonably high level of drawing ability.  I can also paint and create artistically original photographs.  I have that artist’s eye that sees creatively.  If you follow directions in this first Paffooney, you will see a wider variety of the kind of Paffoonies I post than I will post here.  This will be, however, a picture post.  I intend to share a bunch of my artwork here, both old and new.  Take a gander.  (And while you hold on to that male goose, look at some of my pictures, too.)

Animal Town

tree time_ginger

Aztec

You have to admit that I am clearly not an artist like Van Gogh or Picasso… certainly nothing like Andrew Wyeth or Winslow Homer.  I am more of an illustrator, or … worse, a cartoonist.

Blue in the back yard

So, this is at least partially about sharing artwork.  I am not a professional artist.  I have made no money from drawing, even though my artwork has been published before.  I have been given this talent by God not to be famous and wealthy, but to be a better teacher and a better storyteller.

Leave a comment

Filed under artwork, humor, Paffooney, Uncategorized

This and That… Comme ci, comme ca (en Francais)

I have reached a time in life when I wonder if I truly want to keep on, or just softly mark time until the end comes and I lose that chess game with the Grim Reaper. I don’t have anything left to prove. Most of what I have left to give to society is in my twenty-some books somewhere. And it is not my fault that nobody has, with a few important exceptions, chosen to read my work. Reading is less of a thing in the internet age of Marvel movies and podcasts. So, I am already fading away to nothing while still technically being alive.

I find myself drawing more than writing as digital art tools and AI picture editors let me combine drawings and photos and designs that my hands can no longer make without help and colors blended now that my increasingly colorblind eyes cannot see correctly without help. I have spent a decade fighting to draw what I wanted in the way that I wanted, and now it is all simple with digital help.

And I do have more stories to tell, if I have time. But all the most important ones like Sing Sad Songs, The Baby Werewolf, Snow Babies, Catch a Falling Star, and The Bicycle-Wheel Genius that I have labored over since the 1970s are now complete and published. I have added some other really good ones like Recipes for Gingerbread Children and Magical Miss Morgan along the way. So, my most important work is done.

Am I ready to die, then? Oh, Hell NO!

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Still Enjoying Playing With Digital Art Tools

This is made from a picture of the flowers blooming early in our yard and a drawing of a fairy that I did on top of the original photo before knitting it all together with the AI Mirror program that digitally turns everything into a uniform painting.

This is done from an old yearbook photo of a former student and the alley cat that often prowls our backyard looking over her shoulder. Viviana will never recognize herself here, either because it wasn’t her picture I chose to draw, or because I am pretty bad at doing portraits that look like the person. I won’t tell you which, if any, is true.

Years ago the green-eyed girl on the cover of National Geographic Magazine became a well-known and well-loved iconic image. Here I have turned her into a blue-eyed girl who looks nothing like the original. Well, I got the clothing to look very similar.

This is an anime-style picture of a girl who was singing on Instagram. When you use the AI program to edit it, you have to often go back and re-edit it to correct things like where the AI fails to interpret the hands the way you originally drew them. I actually went back and fixed the fingers on her left hand, but then I made the mistake of downloading the previous version, retaining the AI finger flubs. She still has her cat claws. The shadow on the thumb still looks wrong even in my corrected version.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Pushing Through the Weeds

I am in the last years of my life. There is no question about that. Ten more years of life is probably out of reach. I had another passing-out episode in the car today… after parking. I probably fell asleep again rather than having a stroke or succumbing to Parkinson’s or something. But in the super-vivid dream I had, I was somebody else rather than me. A past life? A future life? It seemed like so much more than a dream. It does comfort me, though. I don’t believe in receiving the resurrection in return for chanting the right nonsense for Christ just to make Yahweh happy. Allah-Jehovah-Zeus is a dyspeptic. selfish, and needlessly angry god, and so, is probably not real. But the universe is alive. Existence, once established, is not erased by death. I will go on. As a part of everything. Not still as me. But Mickey exists and always will. Time, space, and energy are all relative. Mickey will always be real.

I won’t have to live too much longer to finish my poetry book. It will be a good thing, even though it will be lost in a veritable sea of books and published things that vaguely resemble actual books. Publishers now don’t publish and promote books. They charge the foolish masses to print books and take the majority of the money for any books that are sold. They are willing to take an author’s money for things like incompetent editing, lame promotional efforts, setting up websites, and talking a lot. They are not willing to actually help authors, even good ones, without first drinking the blood of the people who really create the stories. Here’s my backhanded praise for Amazon KDP. At least it’s free if you are willing to do all the work yourself. But I have 23 books already out there. Soon 24. And the accomplishment is in making the story come to life on the printed page, or the e-book. I am a real author. Nothing else matters. My stories are told, and occasionally read.

And telling stories based on actual life experiences… even though they are filled with fantasy images and jokes, is a matter of running naked through the old neighborhood, letting all the old church ladies and former teachers and friends see all your darkest secrets revealed. It’s all a revelation. It even helps you to see what you yourself mean in the big picture of the universe. Nothing can stop you but death.

Don’t think of this as a lament. It is definitely not that. Instead, I am pushing through the final weeds at the edge of the jungle, about to enter the Savannah of Solace and dance naked in the sunshine.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Aquarium, Terrarium, Planetarium

Angelfish are like the kings of the aquarium. They swim about in slow, stately fashion.

As a teenager I was very much into raising tropical fish in an aquarium. Having fish to watch and fuss around with is a healthy, mind-calming hobby that literally helps you learn about environmental issues. Keeping an aquarium is all about keeping fundamental forces of biology in relative balance.

The lovely pearl gourami is a fascinating finny friend that fills the tank with beauty and color.

Some fish are there just for beauty. The angelfish and gouramis I have pictured already are mainly that. Though you could also say that kissing fish, the pink kissing gouramis, also provide comic relief.

Kissing gouramis actually perform the kissing ritual in the tank, and I really don’t know why, but I suspect it is about courting and sex.

Goldfish are the pigs of the fresh-water tank. They are slow and rather stupid, and they eat massive quantities of fish food, so they also poop excessively.

Keeping an aquarium is a balancing act.

Albino Angelfish
Neon Tetra

.

.

.

.

a fancy Veiltail Guppy

If you put the wrong fish together, problems ensue. Fully grown angelfish will eat expensive guppies and neon tetras. Goldfish waste so much fish food and make so much fish poop that the tank has to be cleaned nearly every day to prevent it become a befouled cesspool of toxic filth and bacteria. Unless…

Cory Catfish

You employ bottom-feeders like the corydorus catfish or the red-tailed black shark (actually a loach, not a shark) to feed on the waste and be the janitor-fish.

A carefully balanced tank is a living work of art that grows and changes and progresses…

Red-Tailed Black Shark

…Until something goes wrong. Every fish tank I ever put together eventually had a crisis that made the whole ecology crash. All the fish would die and the tank would smell bad. This would usually happen when I wasn’t there to tend it as needed, when I was away at college or on vacation. Water has to be refreshed. The water can never be allowed to cool lower than seventy degrees, even in winter. The air pump can’t break down and stop aerating the aquarium. The filter has to be clean and unclogged. And disease has to be treated.

In a way, our entire planet earth is like that too. Of course, if it was all sealed under glass, it would be a terrarium, not an aquarium. But we can identify the same sorts of threats to the ecosystem of the terrarium we live in as would be found in a tropical fish tank. Donald Trump and his Republican fat-cats are the goldfish. Global warming threatens the air and water in the tank. An asteroid could break the glass and spill the contents out. So many things could crash our carefully balanced fish tank. And there is an even greater environment out there beyond the edges of our little solar system. Does the title make sense now in a way it didn’t before? No? Oh, well, I tried.

Leave a comment

Filed under autobiography, commentary, humor

Writing Myself To Life

Torry2 (640x480)

I have been working on my novel The Baby Werewolf, and I am now in the final phase, working on the climax and crisis point.  And I surprised myself.  The killer monologues to the main characters who have now become his intended next victims.  I have played this out over and over in the twenty-two years I have been writing this book.  Last night, for the first time ever, the hero character laughs in this scene instead of the cringing fear that had always been there before.

How is such a thing possible?  What changed?  I have been writing and rewriting this story since 1996.  But it goes much deeper and darker than that.  This story went on my have-to-write list in 1966 when an older, stronger boy who lived near my home trapped me in a place out-of-sight of others and stripped me, gaining some horrible kind of pleasure by inflicting pain on my private parts.  Recovery from that has taken half a century.  The recovery itself probably explains why I struggled so long to pull this story together in a finished form.

DSCN4681

There are things about my writing life that are undeniable.  First of all, I have to write.  There is really no other choice for me.  My mind will never know rest or peace without being able to spin out the paragraphs and essays and stories that make it possible to know those things.  Nothing is real if I can’t write it out.  Secondly, I am a humorist.  If I can never be funny at all, can never write a joke, then I will descend into madness.  My sense of humor not only shields me and serves as my suit of armor, it heals me when I suffer psychic wounds.  This book is a horror story, but like many of the best horror stories, it relies on humor to drive every scene and knit the plot together.  And it was a breakthrough for me to have the hero character laugh instead of cringe in the critical scene.  It allows me to live again.  And love again.  And the real monster that caused this book to be, is now forgiven.  The world continues to turn.  The picture is now complete.  And soon, the novel will be too.

ts14

Leave a comment

Filed under autobiography, forgiveness, horror writing, humor, insight, inspiration, novel, novel plans, NOVEL WRITING, Paffooney, strange and wonderful ideas about life, writing, writing humor

D&D Under The Sea

Scan63One of the fascinating features of a table-top role-playing game is the freedom it gives you to go where you could never go in real life.  In Dungeons and Dragons we have taken the campaign under the waves among the water-breathers.

Of course, it is a little daunting to venture into a place where you cannot even breathe.  But this is fantasy we are talking about.  So, the solution is… magic.  A feet-to-fins spell can make you into a mer-person.  You can not only swim with the fish, you can be one.

20160530_144728

 

Nemo the water-breathing sea-elf is modeling how fantasy technology can aid with the adventure.  Unable to breathe out of the water, Nemo has been able to adventure in the surface world by wearing a sealed sea helmet that provides the water he needs to breathe and keep him properly hydrated.  Such a helmet, with an air-producing spell inside it instead of water-making can be used for air-breathers under the sea.

 

20160530_144838

Under the sea things are different in fundamental ways.  You don’t walk or tun, you swim.  You don’t ride a horse, you are pulled through the water by a hippocanthus.  You are not stuck to a two-dimensional plane.  You can move easily through the water up and down as well as right and left, forward and back.

20160530_145347

Sea captain Elora Bynam, gnome aquamancer, can take air-breathers where they want to go in her submarine.  She knows the undersea kingdoms as well as any air-breather in all of the lands.

And, of course, there have to be villains.  The arch-lich Orco is a good example (that is, good example of something evil).

This former Mer-king has been infested with dark magic since his death and re-animation.  He holds sway now in the evil kingdom of Black Reef.  Elora can take you there for a price.20160530_144830

20160530_143929

But we had fun playing underwater campaigns in D & D.  We spent weeks  searching drowned ruins.  We even found a sea ghost.  Charlotte is a little girl drowned by evil pirates and changed into a ghost.  She is bound to a magic jar and can serve as a guide through places where no living being dares go alone.

So we have spent all this game time in the depths of exotic seas.  And the ironic thing is, we didn’t even get a little bit wet.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Twenty-Four Years in the Monkey House

Believe me when I say that the teaching-life’s okay.

I survived it many days because I brought bananas to the fray.

I taught within the monkey house and now’s my time to grouse.

Sixth graders are the little monkeys

Small and fast and full of funkies

Seventh-grade are chimpanzees

Who grab and eat whatever they sees

And the eighth, well, they are the gorillas

Who throw their poop and make school thrillers.

And though it makes you crazy and mean

And you feel like life is full of beans

You learn to love the monkey house

Even the bully and the louse

Entertaining them with stories and tasks

Which makes them smile and drop their masks

You trick them into a little learning

And maybe keep the school from burning

And long years end with coos from doves…

They have become your little loves.

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Because I am Nobody

There is no doubt about it

As a writer, as a poet, as an author

I am absolutely nobody

I will never be famous

I will never be wealthy

Only a tiny, precious few

Will ever read me, ever know me

But that is entirely okay

That was never what my life was for

In fact, I am satisfied

Because you read this

And now you understand.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Mickian Artistical Nonsense

The word for it is Paffooney.  I know that is not a real word.  It is a Mickian word.  Kinda like the word “Mickian”.  It is entirely made up gibberish, made up by Mickey, and used to mean an artwork made by the hand of Mickey.  So I can’t really explain it.  I have to show you what it basically is.

20150807_135157

This is a Paffooney.  It is inspired by the incredibly unbelievable time in Mickey’s life when they let Mickey be a teacher in Texas.  It has no other relationship to reality.  Chinese girls in Texas generally do not have manga eyes and blue hair, and while Hispanic girls have been known to eat pencils, they never bring their own notebook paper to class.  They always borrow.  So there is the basic formula.  Colored-pencil nonsense drawn by Mickey and attached somehow to a story.

20150807_135244

This Paffooney has a self-explanatory story embedded in it.  It is obvious this is the story of an average family car trip in Texas.  Notice how they demonstrate the Texas State highway motto of, “Drive friendly”.

20150104_205916

And this Paffooney is a Mickian recurring nightmare about a duck with teeth.  Silly Mickey, ducks don’t have teeth in real life!

20150910_122142

And moose bowling is a Paffooney that needs no explanation… or does it?  Well, never mind.  I have forgotten what it is for anyway.

20160606_092042

And this oil-painting Paffooney speaks volumes about a philosophy of life.  See the pilot giving the viewer a thumbs up? And that isn’t a parachute on his back.  They didn’t have parachutes in World War I.  It is a message pouch with German war plans in it.  I even painted it with a bratwurst sandwich inside for the pilot’s lunch.  Don’t I do great detail work?  But he will have to eat it quickly before he reaches the ground.

20150807_135323

And this is me teaching an ESL class.  When you teach English to non-English speakers in Texas, you get to hold the big pencil.  And it helps to be a big white rabbit.

20170630_210851

And this is a science fiction Paffooney, although the science is questionable.  Don’t doubt that the flower-people of the planet Cornucopia are real, though.  And Mai Ling, the psionic space ninja really can elongate her arm to get maximum thrust into her left-handed karate chops.

Stupid Boy

And we end for today with the Paffooney of a stupid boy.  He’s not really me.  Not really.  And I don’t even know who gave him the black eye.  So it can’t be me.  So maybe he is not so stupid.  You can’t say that about somebody you don’t know and is not even you.

So, now do you know what a Paffooney is?  No?  Me neither.  But if you Google images with the words “Beyer Paffooney” you can see a lot more of them.  Nobody else uses that word but little ol’ me.

Leave a comment

Filed under artwork, cartoons, colored pencil, humor, Paffooney, strange and wonderful ideas about life