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Spinning Wheels of Thought

Picture borrowed from; https://www.townsends.us/products/colonial-spinning-wheel-sp378-p-874

I start today with nothing in my head to write about. I guess I can say that with regularity most days of the writing week. Sundays in particular are filled with no useful ideas of any kind. But I have a certain talent for spinning. As Rumpelstiltskin had a talent for spinning straw into gold, I take the simple threads of ideas leaking out of my ears and spin them into yarns that become whole stories-full of something to say. And it is not something out of mere nothing. There is magic in spinning wheels. They take something ordinary and incomplete, and turn it into substantial threads useful for further weaving.

Of course the spinning wheel is just a metaphor here for the craft of writing. And it is a craft, requiring definable skills that go well beyond merely knowing some words and how to spell them.

My own original illustration.

The first skill is, of course, idea generation. You have to come up with the central notion to concoct the potion. In this case today, that is, of course, the metaphor of using the writing process as a spinning wheel for turning straw into gold. But once that is wound onto the spindle, you begin to spin yarn only if you follow the correct procedure. Structuring the essay or story is the next critical skill.

Since this is a didactic essay about the writing process I opened it with a strong lead that defined the purpose of the essay and explained the central metaphor. Then I proceeded to break down the basic skills for writing an essay with orderly explanations of them, laced with distracting images to keep you from dying of boredom while reading this, a very real danger that may actually have killed a large number of the students in my writing classes over the years (although they still appeared to be alive on the outside).

My mother’s spinning wheel, used to make threads for use in porcelain doll-making, and as a prop for displaying dolls.

As I proceed through the essay, I am stopping constantly to revise and edit, makeing sure to correct errors and grammar, as well as spending fifteen minutes searching for the picture of my mother’s spinning wheel used directly above. Notice, too, I deliberately left the spelling-error typo of “making” to emphasize the idea that revising and proof-reading are two different things that often occur at the same time, though they are very different skills.

And as I reach the conclusion, it may be obvious that my spinning wheel of thought today spun out some pure gold. Or, more likely, it may have spun out useless and boring drehk. Or boring average stuff. But I used the spinning wheel correctly regardless of your opinion of the sparkle of my gold.

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Filed under humor, insight, Paffooney, strange and wonderful ideas about life, teaching, Uncategorized, writing, writing teacher

Healthcare Aware

In the wind-down of the Covid19 Pandemic we need to be more aware of our fragile health as a species than ever. Homo Sapiens is suffering now from ills of its own making. And yes, the virus itself probably has a zoological origin, the whole bats-and-pangolins-in-a-wet-market-in-China thing, and it may have been an accidental leak of virus out of a virology lab in China. But it is not a Chinese bio-weapon plot, no matter what Cucker Tarleson thinks… or says he thinks because he’s paid well to think it.

It is a matter of decades and even centuries worth of human greed and rampant profit motive. We are killing the world with industrial waste and increasing the heat world wide with the blazing fires of greed-meets-profit-motive intentions.

The furnaces of industry keep firing up when we need them to cool down and stop.

Even healthcare is monetized in this country to the point that financial predators are gorging themselves by creating economic pain in most of us.

And the political world is rabidly on board with protesting masks and social distancing in order to keep the plague raging and the sweet healthcare dollars rolling in. Not for the benefit of doctors and nurses, mind you. They are not the ones reaping the rewards. In fact, many of them are victims too.

I am stuck at home again now thinking about this again because my number two son and I are possibly under quarantine again. He had Covid once already, a year ago, and he was vaccinated in May. But now he’s sick in bed awaiting the results of another Covid test. It’s either that or a five-day bout of regular flu.

The worst of the many fears is that this is a vaccine-immune variant virus. If that’s what it is, I am probably doomed even though I am already vaccinated too. Oh, well. It’s been a good life. I hope the rest of the human race can conclude that too, as the next pandemic, or heat wave, or global extinction looms in the near future.

But take care… and be aware… because miracles have happened before.

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Animal Town in Daylight

This is a place I explore in cartoons and daydreams.  It is a little town known as Animal Town for fairly obvious reasons.  It is populated by silly anthropomorphic animals who wear clothes and keep naked people as pets.

Animal Town

Animal Town is one of the all-time silliest places to visit in the cartoon dreamland of Fantastica.

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Mandy Panda and little brother Dandy are my constant companions and guides when I tour the dangerous streets of wild Animal Town.  In my cartoons, Mandy is an immigrant from the Pandalore Islands.  She is also the cartoon version of my wife.

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Three of the Town’s most important head monkeys.

It was Mandy who introduced me to the government officials who run Animal Town.  Judge Moosewinkle is the head of the Animal Town court system.  He is a hanging judge, so I am very careful about littering and loitering when I am in town.

Constable Geoffrey Giraffe does all the arresting and police work.  He used to work in a toy store, but quit his job there when he couldn’t get them to stop writing the R backwards on all their signs.  Grammar infractions annoy him more than any other crime.

Linus the Kitten-Hearted is the mayor of Animal Town.  They wanted to crown him as king, but he always says that’s only for when he’s in the jungle.  In town he prefers to be a democratically elected leader.  Of course, if you refuse to vote for him, he might eat you.

Most of my dreams in Animal Town are about the school there.

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                                                                                                                                                         Yes, this is a yearbook picture from Animal Town Elementary School.

Miss Ancient’s Class of 5th graders is usually rather rowdy and difficult.  You may have noticed there is a bare bear in the old buzzard’s class.  The fact is, the bears in Animal Town are all naturists and refuse to wear clothes.  This disturbs poor Miss
Ancient greatly, and it is therefore a real godsend that a fig leaf just happened to be drifting down through the air at the time this picture was made.  Bobby Bare is not shy, but some things are better not put into a cartoon.

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                                                                                                                                                   Yes, this is another yearbook picture. And I am in it twice, since Mr. Reluctant Rabbit is also me.

As a visitor to Animal Town, Cissy Bare took me to Mr. Rabbit’s class as her pet for show and tell.  She is also a bare bear, and she also benefited from a passing leaf at picture time. You may notice students putting rabbit ears behind each other’s heads in pictures… something that human children do too in real life.  But when I study this picture, I can’t help but think that maybe Mr. Rabbit started it.  Now, Animal Town is located in Fantastica, a part of the Dreamlands.  So that sort of explains how I ended up in school naked.  My dreams are like that.  You are in school in the middle of lessons before you realize that haven’t got a single stitch of clothing on.

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When I am inevitably charged with public indecency for being in school naked, I can turn to Animal Town lawyer Woolbinkle Moosewinkle.  He is totally incompetent and not very bright, but unlike most of the animals, he is friendly and on my side.  Spot Firedog is a Dalmatian who knows how to use a newspaper.  He is a reporter, publisher, and all-around good dog.  He wrote an expose on me being naked in the Animal Town Elementary school.

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Big Bull Beefalo runs the local hamburger emporium, which might seem like collusion to cannabalism, but Bull is a very gentle and very large soul.  He is himself a vegetarian, but he is a gifted fry cook and chef.  I can go to his restaurant when I get out of jail, though hopefully not as food.

So, Animal Town is a very different kind of place.  It is the result of dreams and goofiness and uncontrolled spurts of cartoonist creativity.  It is a cartoon sort of place where spontaneous and random humor happens.

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125 Days in a Row

Since my daily blog-posting streak reached 99 days, the WordPress Notification bell has been reminding me daily that I am still streaking. Today is day 125. That, of course, is really no big whoop. Back in 2015 I managed at least one post every single day of the year. Celebrating writing every day is kinda like celebrating breathing every day. I should be grateful for such a sustained life-maintaining function, but that is precisely what it is.

I would be dead by now If I could not write every day.

Of course, there are days when I am sick and don’t type.. There are days full of travel and doctor’s office appointments and general business that keep me from posting some days. But the writing voice in my head keeps on dictating jokes, observations, questions, and all manner of other things poetical worthy of noting… and writing down somewhere if possible.

My brain goes berserk if I cannot make connections between things. It gets weary from the thought of too many golden ideas being crowded out of my head by new thoughts, spilling out of my ears before being recorded, and evaporating into the ever-present ether of forgetfulness.

I write because I have to. It is as simple as that. Even though it makes me metaphorically naked before the entire world, all of my innermost private things eventually revealed. if I did not do it, I would simply no longer exist. The sentence would simply stop in the middle and…

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Horatio T. Dogg… Canto 1

** Note** This is the new work in progress displayed on Tuesday while AeroQuest 4 is undergoing final edits and publication.

Bobby Niland, Farm Boy

Bobby was absolutely certain that turkens were the absolute stupidest birds ever to haunt a farm yard.  His dad and his grandfather had both had the challenge of raising hogs and keeping milk cows in the barn.  But no more.  In the 1990’s you raised corn and soybeans in alternating fields. And if you raised any farm animals at all, it was only a calf for 4-H projects, a pen of hogs, either black-and-white Hampshires or white American Yorkshires. Or some kind of chickens.

And turkens were a kind of naked-necked chickens.  Yes, like a half-turkey, half-chicken thing with a featherless neck.  In Iowa, no less!  The stupid things, by rights, should freeze their stupid heads off in the cold of an Iowa winter.  But miraculously, the buzzard-necked little uglies were better at surviving winter for some reason than actual chickens were.

Mom actually liked turkens.  She said they were much more like pets and easier to handle than regular chickens that her parents, Grandpa and Grandma Wickham always had on their farm when she was a girl.

But the turken in the old horse trough that morning had to have been the dumbest damned bird in the history of stupid chickens.  How does a stupid bird like that, one who’s supposed to be scratching around on a farmyard for worms and grubs and kernel corn that Bobby dutifully fed them, end up drowning in a horse trough?  Did it suddenly wake up that morning and think it was a duck?  Or maybe the local fairies had put a spell on it and convinced it that it should be a penguin for a day.  However it happened, Bobby now had to tell Mom that one of her birds was dead.  Drowned in the horse trough that she had been nagging Dad to get rid of.

As Bobby trudged towards the back door of the farmhouse, Horatio came bounding up to greet him.

Horatio was a collie.  An old one, but a good one.

“What’s the matter now, Robert?” Horatio asked.

Did I forget to mention that Horatio was a talking dog?  Sorry about that.  He also wore a green pork pie hat and smoked a Meerschaum pipe.  Really, he did.  At least, that’s the way Bobby saw him.

“It’s the stupid turken.  You know, the rooster Mom calls Little Bob.  The damned thing drowned in the horse trough out back of the barn.”

“That is most unfortunate.  Especially since she named that one after you.”

“She didn’t.  I told her I didn’t want no chicken named after me.  And she said it wasn’t named after me.  She named it after Great Uncle Bob.  Grandpa’s older brother.”

 “Of course she did. But maybe you are named after him too.”  Horatio puffed on his pipe and blew some smoke rings out of the side of his mouth.  That was a real good trick too.  People who blow smoke rings from pipe smoke, like Great Uncle Randall, Grandpa Wickham’s younger brother, take the pipe out of their mouth to do it.  Of course, Horatio had no hands.  “Why don’t you come with me over to the horse trough, Bobby?   Maybe I can apply my sensitive nose to the area and gather some clues to what really happened.”

“Okay.  That can’t hurt.”

So, together, the boy and his dog walked over to the horse trough behind the barn.  Horatio sniffed around the area and found some loose turken feathers.

“It seems there may have been an unwelcome visitor here,” Horatio said between puffs on his pipe.”

“What kind of visitor?”

“The verminous kind.”

“That’s a good word.  I read it in the Sherlock Holmes book I’m reading at school.  It means a pest like a rat or a mouse or maybe a weasel.  Can you say which it was?”

“Of course not.  You don’t know the answer to that question yourself, and dogs don’t really talk.”

“Well, can you at least guess?”

“Sure.  Those tracks in the mud are mostly turken tracks, but some of the littlest feet might be rats.”

“Oh, yeah.  I see that now.”

“A better theory to tell your Mom than that the turken thought it was a penguin for a day.”

“Well, fairies mighta cast a spell on him.”

“But you know fairies aren’t real either, right?”

“You know I saw one last year when I was in Miss Morgan’s class.”

“Yes, but you also thought you were turned into a swan by fairy magic at one point.  That couldn’t have been real either.”

“I know you are right, Horatio.  But there are some things that I just would prefer were real.”

“Like a talking dog who can solve crimes and smoke a pipe?”

“Yes!  Exactly like that!”

You may be about to hear a story now that is seen mostly through Bobby’s eyes.  And believe me, that is an unusual experience to have.  So, hang onto your green pork pie hat, and let’s go on that sort of adventure that liars and fools always are having.

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Mileposts on the Publishing Road

This is published book #20.

It is enjoying its moment as a free book on Amazon for a five-day promotional period that ends tomorrow , 6-22-21 at midnight. You can still get a copy. It is a novella, so it is a very quick read. It is a novella of only 15,ooo words, so it is a quick read. It is a YA novel with a 12-year-old female protagonist. There are no living human adults in this story (except for artificial ones via hologram.)

The promotion has given away seven copies of Cissy Moonskipper’s Travels at this writing. It is one of 19 self-published books. I still have one book with I-Universe, that being Catch a Falling Star.

My contracts with Publish America and Page Publishing are both ended. I couldn’t recommend either publish house. Self publishing is better.

My blog, the one you are looking at at this moment, has 2013 followers.

I also have 3,033 followers on Twitter. @mbeyer51

My Facebook page, @telleronsinvadeiowa  · Book, has 1,045 followers.

I have been writing my whole life long, but only publishing that writing since 2007. I have been actively marketing my books since 2013.

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Thanks for the Memories, Mr. Disney

This post is going to sound an awful lot like stuff and nonsense, because that is what it primarily is, but it had to be said anyway.    Last night my family took me to see the movie Saving Mr. Banks, a deeply moving biographical story of P.L. Travers, the creator of Mary Poppins, and how she had to be convinced to surrender her beloved character to the movie industry which she so thoroughly detested and distrusted.  It is also about one of my most important literary heroes, Walt Disney, and how he eventually convinced the very eccentric and complicated authoress to allow him to make her beloved character into a memorable movie icon.

“We create our stories to rewrite our own past,” says Disney, trying to tell Mrs. Travers how he understood the way that her Mary Poppins character completed and powerfully regenerated the tragedy of her own father’s dissolution and death.  This is the singular wisdom of Disney.  He took works of literature that I loved and changed them, making them musical, making them happy, and making them into the cartoonish versions of themselves that so many of us have come to cherish from our childhoods.  He transforms history, and he transforms memory, and by doing so, he transforms truth.

Okay, and as silly as those insights are, here’s a sillier one.  In H.P. Lovecraft’s dreamlands, on the shores of the Cerenarian Sea, north of the Mountains of Madness, there roam three clowns.  They are known as the Boz, the Diz, and the Bard, nicknames for Charles Dickens, Walt Disney, and William Shakespeare.  These three clowns, like the three fates of myth, measure and cut the strings of who we are, where we are going, and how we will get there.  They come to Midgard, the Middle Earth to help us know wisdom and folly, the wisdom of fools.

Why have I told you these silly, silly things?  Do I expect you to believe them?  Do I even expect you to read all the way to paragraph four?  Ah, sadly, no…  but I am thinking and recording these thoughts because I believe they are important somehow.  I may yet use them as the basis of a book of my own.  I enjoy a good story because it helps me to do precisely as Mr. Disney has said, I can rewrite my own goofy, silly, pointless past.

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How Do You Do?

“How do you do, Mickey?”

“How do I do what?”

“I just meant to say, hello, how have you been?

“Well, I thought I was gonna die last night.”

“Is something wrong? Heart maybe?”

“No. Just an ugly premonition. I get them all of the time. And I woke up alive this morning anyway. The joke is on whichever trickster god or goddess it was that gave me the neck-prickling premonition last night.”

“Well, I, for one, am glad you didn’t have the information right. What would the world be like without you in it?”

“Well, I often think it wouldn’t make any difference if I were not here. Other people draw pictures like I do. Other people write stories. Theirs are probably better than mine.”

“Actually, I think you are one of a kind. Your artistic vision is unique and no one I know of writes stories quite like you do. Didn’t you just get another 5-star review on Snow Babies?”

“Yes, but it was just Amazon putting back one they had removed because they thought it wasn’t real.”

“Why did they do that?”

“Well, Amazon never explains anything. But I think it was because of the word complexing that the reviewer used. The way it was used made you think he was illiterate or something. But then the most recent reviewer explained the central metaphor of the quilt and made it clear that it was a story with a complex plot. Apparently they gave the complexing-guy the benefit of the doubt. Complexing is a real word. It was merely used very awkwardly.”‘

“So, you’re not dead or dying, and you are apparently a good writer, at least, according to your reviewers.”

“Actually, I’m just making a lot of nothing out of something. It’s what I always do. I am also not unhappy with my life the way it is. Even if it all ends today, I am satisfied that it was a good life, well-lived. Not everyone can say that.”

“You once had a spirograph like the one in the picture, right?”

“Yeah. In fact, you see that spiral drawing in the top diamond-box?”

“Yeah.”

“That was the hardest one to do without having your hand slip and messing the whole design up. I worked for days with many hours in them before I finally got one perfect. And after that I didn’t really care so much about doing Spirograph any more. Though I wish I still had that old thing.”

“You are going to write more stories, aren’t you?”

“Are you worried that because Snow Babies is so good, I’ll lose interest?”

“Yeah… kinda.”

“If that were gonna happen, I would’ve stopped at three published books. Number 20 starts a free promotion tomorrow.””

“So, when is the book free?”

“From Friday, June 18th until Tuesday, June 22nd.”

“Wow. Say, do you know who you’ve been talking to this whole time?”

“Hmmm…. Either the cardinal in that first picture, Cissy Moonskipper herself, or maybe me. I do talk to myself like a crazy old coot.”

“Yes, I’m very much all three. I am the self-examing side of you, your other me.”

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Un-Doxing the Fermi Paradox

When rationally considered, the number of stars and star systems out there statistically guarantees that there is other intelligent life out there in the galaxy besides us. And since many star systems are far older than ours, there statistically should also be civilizations far older and far more advanced than ours.

Enrico Fermi’s Paradox, simply stated is, “Since they should already be out there, where are they?”

Why don’t we see them through telescopes? Why haven’t they landed on the White House lawn and introduced themselves? Why haven’t they made themselves known to us and said flat out, “Hello, Earth people, so nice to EAT you.” Why aren’t they already here? Why aren’t we all on platters covered in ketchup?

Remember please, that this is a humor blog. The answers in my head are all fundamentally totally unserious.

But I am going to share them anyway. You know, just for laughs.

I think it is possible that they are no better at finding answers to Fermi’s Paradox than we are. I mean, isn’t it possible that they are no more inherently wise and capable of knowing the answers than we are?

I also mean, heck, I don’t know how to make my own television from parts I whipped up in the garage! I can barely handle learning new apps by watching YouTube videos about how to do them and then risking blowing the sparks out of my old laptop trying to trial-and-error the things I see those young whipper-snappers doing on videos until I accidentally stumble upon the right sequence of lucky guesses. The average Nebulon from the Great Nebula is probably only equally adept at doing the technologickalicky things her blue-skinned people do with space whales and brain-enhancing hairpieces. Our matching abilities to find each other in the vast oceans of stars and star systems in outer space probably are equally sucky.

Technology, after all, is only possible because we have learned things from the recorded results of other folks’ trial-and-error lucky guesses so that we don’t have to re-discover those things ourselves every single time we try something new.

So, we don’t connect with other so-called “intelligent” lifeforms in space, and they don’t connect with us, because when we do focus our fancy telescopes or radiation-recombining sindalblatt star viewers on each other, we don’t see that life over there as adequately intelligent… or intelligent at all… to be worth calling it intelligent life.

Of course the alternative explanation could be that they are already here and building underground and deep-sea bases, and our government is just not willing to tell us about it. Of course, says the horse, the government would never lie to us or cover something like that up just for the potential riches and power they could individually gain by keeping us in the dark about such things. And Bob Lazar is a fake human being, and the Roswell saucer was a weather balloon, and Barney and Betty Hill were just imagining getting probed by gray aliens, and Travis Walton’s missing days weren’t spent on a spacecraft, and the fact that he and other witnesses all passed lie detector tests about it only means that you don’t have to believe lie detector equipment when it gives you what you know in your little black heart is the wrong answer.

And maybe, just maybe, if they actually were incredibly smart enough to travel vast interstellar distances to the planet of the monkey people, who actually stumbled over the secret to blowing everything up with nuclear boom-a-booms, they will also be incredibly smart enough to not risk inciting the savagely stupid things the monkey people of Earth could do to each other, as well as to the smart aliens stuck with the awful assignment of living here and watching over us so that we don’t go all off-world and start wrecking the interstellar neighborhood.

Anyway, it’s a paradox, something there is no way to resolve with reasonable answers to reasonable questions. And physicists hate paradoxes. And this is a paradox created by a physicist. Gads! What a riddle within an enigma within a… grandmother’s cookie tin? No, that last one is a non sequitur. Stuff for another day.

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Maxfield Parrish Pictures

Much of what I draw is inspired by Maxfield Parrish, the commercial artist who created stunningly beautiful work for advertisers in the 1920’s and 30’s, and went on to paint murals and masterworks until the 1960’s.  He is noted for his luminous colors, especially Parrish Blue, and can’t be categorized under any existing movement or style of art.  No one is like Maxfield Parrish.  And I don’t try to be either, but I do acknowledge the debt I owe to him.  You should be able to see it in these posts, some of mine, and some of his.

Mine; (In the Land of Maxfield Parrish)

MaxP

His; (Daybreak)

Daybreak_by_Parrish_(1922)

Mine; (Wings of Imagination)

Wings of Imagination

His; (Egypt)

Egypt

Believe me, I know who wins this contest.  I am not ashamed to come in second.  I will never be as great as he was.  But I try, and that is worth something.  It makes me happy, at any rate.

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