Tag Archives: humor

Devotion in Motion

How long have I been a fan of the St. Louis Cardinals?  Since Bob Gibson and the World Series victories of the 60’s.  When will it end?  I have to know if there is baseball in Heaven before I can tell you.  And I believe there is.

970012_598081996889896_1749856650_nA true baseball fan never abandons the team he or she loves.  They live and breathe and die with the team.  In the 1960’s I got to experience my Cardinals win the World Series against the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox.  I got to experience the defeat in seven games by the Detroit Tigers and Mickey Lolich their star pitcher in 1968.  And I followed them mostly by the sports page in the Mason City Globe Gazette.  And sometimes second hand when I listened to the Twins’ games on radio with Great Grandpa Milo Raymond.  I followed the individual players and their numbers.  Curt Flood, the center fielder was a vacuum cleaner with legs in center field.  Lou Brock could steal a base, though he was even more amazing at it in the 1970’s with veteran savvy and know-how on his side.  Gibson was extraordinary as pitcher.  And I followed the others too.  Dal Maxvill at short stop, Tim McCarver at catcher.  Mike Shannon at third.  And a fading Roger Maris in right field, having never reached the heights again as the Yankee slugger who hit 61 home runs in 1961. 1010493_520267051372821_2054131685_n

I watched and waited in the 1970’s, when I could follow them on television at least occasionally.  I didn’t get more World Series victories that decade, but I listened to the ball game on radio when Bob Gibson pitched his no-hitter against the Pittsburgh Pirates.  I was giddy about the base stealing record that Lou Brock set in the 70’s, later to be eclipsed by Ricky Henderson.  I followed Ted Simmons, the catcher, and Joe Torre the third baseman.

The 1980’s brought more World Series with victory in 1981 over the Milwaukee Brewers, and losses against the Kansas City Royals and Minnesota Twins.  I invented some new cuss words the night the Royals came from behind to win the sixth game of the series because an umpire blew the call at first base that would’ve given the Cardinals the series win.  That bad call (the runner was clearly out at first) changed the series from a Cardinals’ win in six games to a Royals’ victory in seven games.

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In the late 1990’s I cheered for Mark McGwire to break Roger Maris’ single season home run record.  I watched on TV as he did it, holding my young son in my lap and cheering loudly enough to scare all the cockroaches out of the house in South Texas.  It burned me later that the steroids scandals and Barry Bonds would later tarnish that moment.  But I lived it never-the-less, and it was a highlight of my life as a Cardinals’ fan.

62722_574692719263587_14180130_n378194_10151001599341840_1087304628_nAnd now, this year, as everything is going wrong in my life and my body is breaking down more often than my car does, the Cardinals are surging again.  They could win a hundred games this year.  They could win World Series number twelve.  We have history, this team and I.  And I am a devoted fan.  I can no more explain my love of the team to you than any baseball fan anywhere could ever explain to you why they love baseball.  Or what the heck Fredbird is all about.  12032015_547957218694150_5911281379869985407_nBut there it is.  We don’t wait til next year.  Not the Cardinals.

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Jun 9, 2015; St. Petersburg, FL, USA; Los Angeles Angels first baseman Albert Pujols (5) reacts at home plate after he hit a solo home run during the fifth inning against the Tampa Bay Rays at Tropicana Field. Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Jun 9, 2015; St. Petersburg, FL, USA; Los Angeles Angels first baseman Albert Pujols (5) reacts at home plate after he hit a solo home run during the fifth inning against the Tampa Bay Rays at Tropicana Field. Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Albert Pujols will always be a Cardinal in my mind.  We won it all in 2011.

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Filed under autobiography, baseball fan, humor

Television Can Be Literature

How stupid is it that a former school teacher can write a nutsy title like that?  If that were true, why don’t English classes just show movies all the time?  Why read?  Honestly, teachers do worse things to students every day.  Well-made film for the theater or television is literature, and it is relevant to study it.  When you are teaching kids to read, the ones who already read and devour books on their own are not your target audience.  The vast majority who hate reading need to be pulled into the miracle of being enfolded into a good a story, made to discuss and analyze why they liked it, made to determine what their own personal standards of good are, and taught how to find that for themselves, in the theater, on TV, and yes, even in books.  So, why does an idiot former school teacher think about stupid stuff like this?  Well, my brain has been permanently wired for that kind of thinking.  And now that I am retired and have time for stuff like Netflix, I am discovering just that sort of monumental epic literature that I have always sought in television shows, of all places!

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I just finished watching the final episode of The West Wing on Netflix.  I was completely absorbed by this seven-season show for the entire summer.  And now I have finished it.  And this essay is the first symptom of withdrawal that is going to hit like the black plague.  I am not going to do a review of it.  Others have done better at it than I ever could.  Here is a bit or evidence for that at this link; Contemplating Media on WordPress  or this one; Arts.Mic

I am telling you why this show is indispensable literature and powerful, functional art.   It is because it just IS!  The writing on this show by Aaron Sorkin is seven seasons’ worth of vibrant, lively, in-depth, and funny stories that keep you tuning in at a higher level of gravity than any mere soap opera.  You learn to love or hate the many characters you get to know so well, and you have to find out what happens to each of them in each and every episode.

I most identified with the character of Joshua Lyman, played by Bradley Whitford.  I once was a young and idealistic man who believed that my passion for ideas could change the world and make it better.  I too fell to the hammer blows of cruel reality.  When Josh was shot as collateral damage in a presidential assassination attempt, it brought me back to the dark years of teaching when I almost quit after having my life threatened and my tires slashed by students.  I was in his skin too when it came time to put myself back together and make myself whole enough again to continue doing my job.  Good literature is like that.  It holds up a mirror in front of our shocked little faces and shows us exactly who we are and what we have to do about it.  Here is the scene that made the waterworks flow the hardest, after Josh has seen a psychologist to help him overcome his PTSD;

For seven seasons this TV show maintained a high level of powerful storytelling and life-changing meaning.  I can’t begin to tell you how well this has helped me understand politics and good people.  There is no other kind of literature that can do what a series like this can do.  And this is not the only one.  I can name any number of other series I felt the same way about over the years and had to find some way to watch every episode I could; there was Alex Haley’s Roots, Shogun and Centennial (both epic mini-series), Lonesome Dove, Ken Burns’ The Civil War, Ken Burns’ Baseball, Hill Street Blues, Mork and Mindy, Cosmos (both the Carl Sagan original and the new Neil DeGrasse Tyson versions), and, of course, Dr. Who in all his incarnations.  In some ways television series like these have given me more and done more to make me the man I am, than any single teacher or parent or grandparent I ever had.  It doesn’t replace any of those essential people, but, boy! does it ever supplement!

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Filed under humor, review of television, TV as literature

Weirdie Poetry

Mr. R RabbitThe Man Who Had Bird Knees

I once knew a man…

Who had knees…

That bent backwards, like a bird’s…

And this man…

Could only walk…

Like a limping, lame old duck.

The children all laughed…

And pointed at him…

When he passed them in the park…

And it made him smile…

And laugh to himself…

That his handicap made them happy.

Every single night…

He oiled his weary knees…

And tried to fight the pain…

And every single day…

He used his silly legs…

To do the Chicken Dance for kids.

And then there came a day…

When the bird legs came no more…

To be noticed by kids at the park…

And the parents all learned…

That the poor man had died…

And the whole world brought him flowers.

The next day in Heaven…

St. Peter saw a man…

Whose knees bent backwards like a bird’s…

And all of Heaven laughed…

As he did the Chicken Dance…

While angels clapped in Heaven.

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The thing I find to be most witlessly true about both poetry and life is that things can be funny, and make you laugh, and at the same time make you cry on the inside.  Humor is hard to write because it can be both happy and sad at the same exact moment.  How do you define that quality?  The bitter-sweet nature of nature?  That’s saying it in a way that is both contradictory and odd.  It can give you a wry smile at the same moment it both confounds and confuses you.  So better just to shrug your shoulders and tell yourself you know it when you see it… and this either is or isn’t it.  Sorry if I made you think too hard, cause I know that sometimes thinking hurts.

Mickey at the Wishing Well of Souls

I found a country well, and I thought I had a quarter,

But I fished in pockets hard, and found nothing for the warter,

And since I had to warp a line to make the poem rhyme,

I figured I would just look in, because I had the time.

I looked into the warty water which sat there still and deep,

And could not see the bottom, and I began to weep.

The water was clear and dark and black,

And the only thing I saw… was Mickey looking back.

And nothing of the wishing well, its magic could I see,

For only there just staring back, the secret thing was me.

Kops

I apologize for inflicting poetry on you when you probably came here looking for goofy stuff to laugh at.  But my poetry is just like all my word-mangling and picture-crayoning.  It tends to be goofy and weird and walking a tightrope over a shark tank between chuckle-inducing and tear-jerking.  You probably can’t even tell which is the poetry and which are the burbled brain-farts of commentary that pad this thing out to five hundred words.  Four hundred and ninety six, actually.

mANDY

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Filed under humor, Paffooney, poetry

The Nutter’s Nest

Eurasian_Nuthatch_(Sitta_europaea)_by_nest_hole wikimediaThese little birds of gray and white and often some other pastel color are synonymous with crazy people.  Why?  Because while the rest of the world orients itself upright from gravity, these little nutters are always hopping along the tree bark upside down, or at a truly odd angle from the rest of the world.

Red-Breasted-Nuthatch-NestThere is something eerily off about an upside-down bird.  And you should listen to the bird calls on the Audubon website; https://www.audubon.org/bird-family/nuthatches   Don’t they sound like absolutely demented little buggers (bugger in the sense that they pick bugs out of bark and then eat them)?  And where do they keep their nests?  In those holes?  Yes!

1st-nh-eggsWhat a truly daft little bird!  And why is daft little Mickey obsessing today about nuthatches and where they keep their eggs?  Because the nutsy noodler needs a new idea every day to make a completely daft and dewy-eyed post about something that could possibly only matter to Mickeys.  So where does Mickey get his ideas to screw into concentric circles of purple paisley prose?  Does he make a list of ideas and schedule his posts?  Does he keep notes?

Of course not!  That would make too much sense.  No, he putters around the house all day, retired and ill, but with his brain constantly on fire.  And he keeps all the pots of memory, trivia, silliness, and factoids boiling as they perch upon the grill in the kitchen of his mind.  Something is constantly cooking.

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Take, for instance, the matter of moose bowling.  Where does an ultra-goofy idea like that come from?  Well, that was in the memory pot.  Having been a teacher for kiddos that don’t handle English very well, I have a number of mangled-language stories to share.  One time I had a drawing of a Bullwinkle-like cartoon on the board (which I generally refer to as a Moosewinkle).  A Vietnamese child was asking me about the Moosewinkle, wanting me to explain what that was all about.  I said something about him being a really good guy, someone I would like to go bowling with some time.  So, the boy asks me, “Mr. B, how is that you throw a moose to knock down the bowling pins?”  He understood about bowling, but not about how you could have a moose as a friend.  And this from a culture that thinks Doremon is perfectly normal and okay to live with.

So it can be said that Mickey picks random memories out of the air and twists them into pretzels to get an idea for a post.  Or maybe it is not totally out of the air.  I don’t know how many times Mickey has seized on an idea from Facebook, posted by friends of all kinds… former students, fellow teachers, other writers, racist cracker friends from Iowa and Texas, and a distinct lack of normal people.  They post all kinds of weird stuff… not pictures of food and kids and kids eating food like normal people.  And Mickey’s brain is always on fire and boiling up the pots.  He makes connections to random things and ends up with a post about nuthatches.  What a Nutter!

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Filed under birds, humor, Paffooney

Overcoming

When you have six incurable diseases, are a cancer survivor since 1983, and were forced to retire early due to health and income problems, you have probably seen your share of really, really bad, horrible, rotten, no-good, black-hearted, totally-depressive days.  Yep, me too.  I just made it through a four-day, no-air-breathing illness, potential car problems, and too much work with too little energy to apply to it.  But I made it through.  I have secret knowledge.

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I have restored myself to light and life in a number of ways.  One was through happy discovery.  I was able to peanutize myself with the help of a movie promotion I have been following on Facebook.  http://www.peanutizeme.com/  This link allows you to turn yourself into a Charles M. Schulz comic strip character with Charlie Brown, Snoopy and the gang.  Doing something nutty and foolish is a way to charm and dig and laugh yourself out of depression.  It wasn’t all easy and stuff, though.  I had to copy my hair and twirl it upside down to get the beard.  And I also had to laugh about the chimney growing out of the top of my head like a brick unicorn horn. It’s the kind of goofy stuff that gives a semi-serious artist fits of giggling.  So I owe BlueSky Studios not only my thanks, but the link in this paragraph as well.  The advertising campaign for the new movie may have saved my life.

Another thing that helped was solving the automobobble problem.  My little Ford Fiesta, the Ozzy Osbourne of motor cars, had a heat-fit yesterday in the middle of Lewisville, Texas, Interstate Thirty-Five rush-hour traffic.  It developed a seemingly permanent “check-engine” light that threatened an Ozzy at the Alamo moment on the access road.  The rush-hour stress built up in me to the point that my blood-sugar dropped and we barely crawled into Taco Bueno to cure it with crispy beef tacos and bean burritos.  I have absolutely no money left in savings for more car repairs.  So, I crawled into the Walmart oil-change center this morning and pried twenty dollars out of my wallet to get the car-juice sloshed and swirled.  Low and behold, after having to sign a waiver that said the problems the car had were the ones it came in with, the new car-juice solved the problem.  The engine purrs again and the car has completely forgotten about that “check engine” light, and possibly the biting-the-heads-off-bats thing as well.

20150923_142418So, here is me.  You can compare Grumpy-Me to the Peanutized-Me and evaluate whether I appear to be worth saving or not.  Notice, I am either holding a newly-purchased Barbie’s little sister doll to add to my maddeningly growing doll collection, or I have managed to kidnap a middle-school girl from Lilliput. I am happy again.  At least, I have that old goofy grin again that indicates the pain is not overwhelming… and once again I have overcome!

I should also add that I have been getting work done on my novel, Snow Babies.

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Remembering Puppy Love

Annette in DLandn

Yes, I admit it, I had some serious crushes when I was but a boy.  Mickey (himself) always said that he hated girls.  He said that repeatedly until he was fourteen and that lie could be twisted into some kind of “you-must-be-gay” sort of insult.  Couldn’t have that, could we?  Especially since my only experience of sex was violent and with another boy.  But how could I ever admit the truth about the girls I loved?  It was all too silly for words.

All pictures of Annette that I didn't draw are from her Facebook page, borrowed (or stolen) with love.

All pictures of Annette that I didn’t draw are from her Facebook page, borrowed (or stolen) with love.

Annette Funicello was someone I only saw in Disney movies.  And she was quite a bit older than I was.  She was born in 1942, and when I was a lovesick puppy of twelve, she was already an old woman of 26 years.  I am thinking about her again now, and she has already preceded me in death.  I was able to reconnect to her through her Facebook page here;  Annette Funicello.  But there was never a chance to meet and pursue her in real life.  So, naturally, she is the one I told my friends about as the woman I loved when I was twelve and wise in the ways of the opposite sex.

I did not draw this.  It is from Facebook.

I did not draw this. It is from Facebook.

 

But the real, secret truth is… ta, ta, ta, taaaah!  I really loved another.  She was in my class.  She was, as my friends and I all agreed, the most beautiful girl ever born into our little community of Rowan, Iowa.  She was a farm girl named Alicia Stewart (this, of course, is a lie.  I fictionalized the name because we are actually friends on Facebook and she might actually read this post.  It doesn’t bother me if she reads this and figures it out, but I want to provide her with deniability so no one else has to know.  She has a beautiful family complete with grandkids, and I would never embarrass her in front of them.)  To me, she looked like Annette Funicello.  I never admitted my deep and abiding puppy-love crush on her to anyone.  I loved her never-the-less… and probably still do.

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There was that night when I was eleven, and snow was falling heavily after choir practice at the Methodist Church.  The walk home was extra difficult.  It was becoming a minor blizzard and I was plastered with snow from walking into the teeth of the wind.  When I got as far as the Library on Main Street, Mrs. Stewart and Mrs. Kellogg called me into the Library to warm up.  They called Mom and Dad to come get me because I really had no business trying to walk home in a snowstorm like that.  Alicia was there.

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HOLLYWOOD, FL - SEPTEMBER 14:  Annette Funicello (R) kisses Mickey Mouse 14 September 1993 after she received a star on the famous Hollywood Walk of Fame in California. The U.S. actress and singer is best known as a famous mouseketeer on the popular 1960's television show, "The Mickey Mouse Club" as well as the beach movies she made with Frankie Avalon.  (Photo credit should read VINCE BUCCI/AFP/Getty Images)

HOLLYWOOD, FL – SEPTEMBER 14: Annette Funicello (R) kisses Mickey Mouse 14 September 1993 after she received a star on the famous Hollywood Walk of Fame in California. The U.S. actress and singer is best known as a famous mouseketeer on the popular 1960’s television show, “The Mickey Mouse Club” as well as the beach movies she made with Frankie Avalon. (Photo credit should read VINCE BUCCI/AFP/Getty Images)

I had my Russian cap with the ear-flaps on and everything pulled down to protect me from the snow, including the front board which was like the bill of the cap, but could be snapped up out of the way.  Snow was caked even on that little front flap. My eyes were mostly covered by that frozen and snow-encrusted front flap.

I said, “Gee, I think it might be snowing outside.”

Everyone laughed.  Alicia lifted up the front flap and looked me right in the eyes.”Michael, you are so funny!” she said.

I wasn’t really that funny with my stupid little understatement.  But her smile was priceless.  And I keep it in my heart to this very day.  It was the greatest gift any girl ever gave me during my sorry little childhood.

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The Beg-Eye

20150918_111904“I want that chip… yes, that chip… that Pringle’s chip!”

“Are you talking to me again, dog?”

“Yes.  I need that chip.  If I eat that I will be a people again.”

“But I am eating this chip.  I like Pringle’s.  And I need energy if I am going to finish editing my novel Snow Babies.  Let me finish eating my chips.

“Look at my eyes.  Can’t you see I NEED that chip?  It is the most important thing in life that you give me that chip.”

“No, I will not look at your eyes.  I know about your Beg-Eye super power.  All dogs have it, and little dogs have it in spades.”

“Seriously, just look into my eyes!”

“Oh!  Uh, I shouldn’t have looked into your eyes just now.”

“Smack!  Crunch!  Chew-chew-gobble!  Um, yes, you should have.  Always look at my eyes when you have food in your hands!”

“Well, maybe I need to start writing now.  I am putting the food back in the pantry.”

“Awww!  Shucksies!”

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“Look into my eyes!” says Jade the talking dog.  “You want to buy this book when it’s published, don’t you?  Yes, I think you do.”

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Filed under humor, NOVEL WRITING, Paffooney

Flag Football

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Yesterday was a long trek by car followed by what I thought was going to be a second straight flag football wipe-out all to get to see number two son play in a game.  I spent four years as a band parent lugging kid and equipment to and from band practices, bus-catches, concession stand work, fund-raising, and performances.  Number one son was a gung-ho marcher with dreams of joining a nationally ranked drum and bugle corps.  Wow!  The effort almost killed me.  But number two son reached high school with a different set of goals and skills, and due to educational forces beyond our control, and evilly opposed to us, he didn’t even stay landed in the big Texas 5A School he wanted to be in.  We settled for a charter school that provides a completely different format that Henry can handle.  Number two son is more like me than the first one was.  He’s brainy and thin and athletically capable, but not athletically experienced.  He is gifted in so many ways, but not in ways that are normally considered acceptable in cowboy country and the Greater Dallas Cowboy Area Football Imperative.

Henry is number 3, and like usual, back to the camera.

Henry is number 3, and like usual, back to the camera.

So this year we are taking on football.  I mean, not ferociously Texas high school tackle and kill football, but FLAG FOOTBALL.  The teams wear two yellow or white flags that have to be grabbed and pulled to stop the advance of the ball.  As a parent, I appreciate the sissy version of the meat-grinding, brain-fracking sport that Texas loves more than pornography.  I know it is not considered as manly to play flag football, but having been subject to a hospitalizing head trauma in my own high school football days, I would rather have him play the safer, cleaner version.  And, let’s face it, he weighs a hundred pounds less than some of the high school guys that would be chasing him to bulldog him in regular high school football.   And his school, a small charter school, is just starting it’s flag football program.  That allows Henry to be on the starting team, and play a sport that he wouldn’t stand a ghost of a chance of even making the team otherwise.

So, how did we get to yesterday?  Well, a week ago, the very first game for the Mighty Ospreys was a total disaster.  It started before two of the required seven players even arrived.  So, the first touchdown was scored by the other team when they intercepted the pass from the only girl in the game, playing quarterback for us even though she couldn’t throw the ball at better than a wounded-duck wobble.  We played a good portion of the first half, five players against seven.  And when the other two showed up, the other side was still the only side to score.  And they scored at will.  It ended mercilessly at ungodly-high-score to nothing.

So I was expecting another humiliation yesterday.  This reveals the true advantage of being a total pessimist.  I can only be pleasantly surprised.  The other guys were almost all shorter than our guys.  And our guys, after an extra week of practice, were handling the ball BETTER.  We found a quarterback who could throw the ball on target.  We scored two touchdowns and a two-point conversion to win 14 to 6.  And Henry was almost able to catch a touchdown pass.  It was deflected and he almost caught it anyway!

So, I came home sicker than Marmaduke after rancid pork, but happy.  Of course, the Princess mentioned that she wants to be in marching band when she gets to high school next year.  Oh, my aching sit-down parts!

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Playing Checkers With Old Guys

Skater girlAmongst those who play checkers frequently and well, there is an unwritten rule.  He who moves first wins.  No matter how well you play, the other guy knows all the moves too.  You can’t help but follow the same two or three patterns for the flow of the game if you are determined never to lose when you don’t have to.  So, if you play checkers with old gassers who have glasses and bald spots on their heads, liver spots on their arms, and Buddha bellies, then there are no surprises.  You can play checkers like the clock ticks, moving relentlessly and without thinking.  It allows you to discuss the world, solve the European immigration crisis in the cruelest possible way, watch the grandkids rolling skating in the neighbor’s driveway, complain about frequent bouts of cramps and flatulence, and just generally enjoy life in a way that is as Norman Rockwell as all hell… without actually having to think about it.

Today is a day like that for me.  Diabetes ravaged me yesterday, my blood sugar playing a fierce game of Chinese world-champion ping pong between high and low… all day long.  My brain is full of sand today and I cannot think.  I can write, but the only thing that comes out is sludge as boring as watching old guys play checkers.  But I have a young family and duties that will not give me a break.  Number two son is playing flag football for his charter school, and we have to get him to a game in Grand Prairie, Texas today, over an hour away through the metroplex in good traffic.

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Flag football, of course, is not real football.  But this is Texas.  Anything even remotely related to football is super serious business in a cowboy-centric world.  You have to get out there and cheer.  You have show team spirit. You have shout bad words at the other team when they invariably intercept your son’s pass and run it back for a touchdown.  And I don’t have the energy today for the drive, let alone the actual football.  All things considered, I’d really rather be playing checkers with old guys.

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Sincerest Apologizes, Mr. Mohamed

This picture is from Ahmed's sister's cell phone... I think.

This picture is from Ahmed’s sister’s cell phone… I think.

Dear Ahmed Mohamed,

I am sorry that Texas is what it is.  Land of the big white lie and home of the brave-if-you-don’t-confront-them-with-people-they-don’t-understand sort of cowboys.  I am a veteran Texas teacher with a lot of English as a Second Language teaching experience.  I am quite familiar with kids like you.  You built something wonderful that worked and showed off your electrical engineering skills and your future promise as an inventor.  It was a clock.  And you wanted to show it to your engineering teacher… which you did.  And he was impressed.  But he told you not to show it to your other teachers for a very good reason.  Some of them are white people.  Some of them are Texas conservatives.  And you had no way of knowing how they would see a Muslim kid with a strange wired-up device in his back pack.  The rest of the world does not look at such things with the fearful eyes of a cowboy conservative, or automatically make the assumptions that were made.  You see, these people love guns and shooting stuff with a deep abiding passion that they really can’t believe other people don’t share.  It is an unfortunate feature of being a cowboy conservative that they are addicted to Bubba-thinking.

In case you forgot about what actually happened I have included some YouTube videos to refresh your memory.

Bubba-thinking allows cowboy conservatives to convince themselves that the solution to violence in schools and terrorist threats is a “good-guy with a gun”.  They think that some clear-thinking hero-type (white guy) can make a correct assessment of a possible threat in a split second, and quickly react, taking out the threat with a well-placed shot that would never miss the intended target and do damage somewhere else, thus rendering the “bad-guy” (usually brown or black) sincerely executed without the need for an expensive trial that might only have let him walk away from his crime, or intended crime, a free but wiser (also living) man.  Bubbas believe with the fervor of religion that “bad-guys” need to get what’s coming to them.

So, this is why they arrested you.  To prevent you from killing innocent school children with your clock which might’ve somehow turned out to be a bomb, because you are from the same part of the world as those evil, icky ISIS guys that cut people’s heads off.  They suspended you from school because, even though no bomb squad was called to diffuse your clock, and they soon learned that it was only a homemade clock, they were convinced that you were trying to scare people and become famous with a hoax bomb, the law they actually invoked to cover up their mistreatment of you.

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I hope you are happy in your new school.  I hope you appreciate that you have the last laugh in all of this because the notoriety and viral Facebook fame you have achieved will open more doors for you and take you to places far beyond the simple teacher’s approval you were seeking for your inventive talents.  And I hope in your new school you will have fewer encounters with the Bubba-thinking of some Texas teachers.

Sincerely and with apologies,

Mickey

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Filed under commentary, humor, racial profiling