In the beginning, God made men naked and helpless. He made women naked and in charge. And then he tossed an apple to the women and said, “let there be evil and monsters and such.” So, naked people began to huddle together in caves to get out of the storm. They began to kill and eat other animals that didn’t eat them. They began to wear the fur of whatever they killed and ate. And then because Cain had a you-like-him-better-than-me fit, they began to kill (and hopefully not eat) each other.
So, the need for government came about as a matter of survival. Cavemen put their thick heads together and decided that some guys were bigger and tougher and got more girls than the rest. And some guys knew how to use their heads for something more than a place to keep their animal-skin hats. So, when all the heads were put together, the smartest ones realized that if they made weapons for the big guys to kill other guys with more efficiently, then the big guys could protect all of “us” and kill all of “them” and we would all be safer and live better lives. Of course, the big strong guys wanted to keep all the better girls and all the stuff they took from others, and they expected everyone they protected to give them more stuff. Thus, taxes were born. And when you had to count stuff and plan stuff and figure stuff out (like managing taxes and keeping track of who you need to hit because they haven’t paid) that task went to the scrawny guys with the big heads. And so, Kings were born. And queens were mostly the kings’ sisters, because, after all, the big guys still got all the best girls. And as time went on, we had kings and their big guys and all the other “common” people. But you couldn’t just kill (and hopefully not eat) all the “common” people, because they were useful too. You could put them to work so they could pay more taxes and make more stuff for you and it made your life better if you had a lot of them working for you. But some old king named Louie discovered you had to make the “common” people a little bit happy too because they outnumber you by a lot. Unfortunately for Louie, he didn’t discover this until they cut his head off… some argument about eating cake or something. So, some other smart guys with big heads got together and decided to make a new government. It was really still the old government. They just had the brilliant idea of re-naming everything and lying to the people. Now, instead of kings and their big guys who got all the good girls, you had “elected representatives” who were actually the kings of old. They just figured out how to lie to people and make them believe they worked for the “common man”. And the big guys were re-named the “Military Industrial Complex”, or maybe it’s the Illuminati. I’m not sure. And then there’s a Pope, and possibly some alien beings from Roswell, and… okay, maybe I need to save the rest for the Tinfoil Hat Club when we meet every Wednesday evening and plot how we are going to “wake up, sheeple” and take over the world. (Dues are fifty cents. We are meeting again on Sunday because we think the world ends next Tuesday… or something.)

































Stupid Is as Stupid Does
This post is a reprint of the time I set out to become a nudist since I was retired and no longer had to fear what it would do to my career as a teacher.
This is not a tribute to Winston Groom and his famous creation, Forrest Gump. This is an admission that when I have had very little sleep and lots of worry lines on my brow, I often do remarkably stupid things.
And sometimes, doing something monumentally stupid makes me feel better. You know, more a part of the stupid, meaningless, and goofy world around me. So, what stupid thing did I do? I joined a nudist organization’s website. Me, who freaks out when members of my own family happen to see me naked. And, you see, there is more to joining this organization than just signing up for some random thing on the internet where you get a lot of random emails. I had to submit nude photos of myself to be posted in community forums. And I may be able to write a blog for this website, which will mean taking some camping gear and actually going to the naturist club site near Dallas to experience the things I will be writing about… and probably making jokes about. But don’t be afraid of being subjected to the hideous torture of having to see me naked. In order to see any of that, you would have to join the organization yourself, and you are probably not as stupid as me. (But I am not telling you the name of the website anyway.)
This is a detail from an illustration based on Golding’s Lord of the Flies. But it is also a picture of me and a childhood friend from back in the skinny-dipping days, based on an old black-and-white photo.
You see, I have some real life experiences with nudists before this happened. I had a roommate in grad school who liked to go au naturel, and even was comfortable with me being in the room when his girlfriend was visiting. He was nude in the kitchen one time when my grandparents came to visit. It is a good thing my grandfather entered that room ahead of my grandmother. I also had a girlfriend in the eighties who had a sister living in the clothing-optional apartment complex in Austin, Texas. Every time we visited Austin, the city nearest where my parents lived, she would stay with her sister there and I would have to go in to fetch her whenever we had plans. Sometimes I was there just to visit. But always, since clothing was optional, I took that option. I did get used to being around naked people, though. I actually have nudist friends.
So, though I am not a nudist, I guess I already know a lot about how to be one. It is how I managed to stumble into this awkward arrangement.
I know I will never be able to get my wife to go along on this harrowing adventure. She refuses to even consider going nude in the house. She has to wear clothes to bed even though studies say that sleeping nude is good for you. I will be facing this basically naked and alone. And possible paid writing work will never make this worth it by itself.
But my photos are already posted and approved. My membership is a real thing. And I am not ready to shoot myself for this stupid decision. In fact, I will probably be less naked there than I have been here in this very blog where my every secret is laid bare and made fun of on a daily basis.
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Filed under battling depression, commentary, feeling sorry for myself, humor, nudes, Paffooney, self pity, self portrait, strange and wonderful ideas about life
Tagged as bad decisions, comedy, humor, life, naturists and nudists, stupid stuff, stupidity, writing