Tag Archives: cartoons

Another Link to My Vault

Like a lazy idiot I have been posting stuff I’ve already created to Mickey’s House of Fiction and pretending that it means I am actually getting writing work done.   Today’s cartoon story, Expelling Evil, the Series, attempts to exploit my constant playing with dolls to make a humorous adventure cartoon strip.  I realize that it is still incomplete and most probably a spectacular failure (at least, as much of a failure as is possible without destroying the internet or making your computer explode).  But it makes me laugh, and I have been wanting to put it all together in one place.  So, here is the link;

https://authormbeyer.wordpress.com/2015/05/23/expelling-evil-the-series/

Here is a photo Paffooney from the story to help you remember how much you want to avoid reading it all again.

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I do promise to add on to the end of it in Mickey’s House of Fiction every time I bore you with another episode and nearly make your head implode from reading it.  The purpose of that plan being to allow to find all of it in one place and thoroughly ignore everything in one go.

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Expelling Evil (Part Three)

When last we left the Captain Action Hero Team, they were busy trying to rescue Mickey’s beloved X-Box with the EA Sports Baseball ’04 game that Mickey loves.  The Evil Doctor Evil had taken over the library and turned it into an evil lair for his evil minions of Evil.  But Captain Carl Action had led his team into the fray and clobbered the Agent in Red with a kiss and the Grammar Nazis with bad grammar.  Dr. Evil was feeling foiled.

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The pretty Barbie doll (whose name was really City-Style Christie) was captured and at the mercy of Evil Doctor Evil.

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Dr. Mindbender had an evil talent for bending minds.  He possessed considerable talents of ESP (which here stands for Extremely Stupid Puddlebrains).  The poor captive doll was bent to Dr. Evil’s evil will.

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Suddenly Mickey’s blog stood on the verge of losing its PG rating (which was already on shaky ground anyway).  Then, faithful Max Steele pulled an answer out of his…  thin air…  urm, yes, that was what I intended to say.

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The day appeared to be saved by a good old bop on the bean.  It was Captain Carl’s favorite problem-solving solution, as it is for practically all action heroes… definitely the ones with the hollow plastic heads in Mickey’s Action Figure Collection.  But one important task still remained un-done.

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Tune in next time for the only “Fight of the Century” in which Manny Pacquiao can’t possibly disappoint you!

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Filed under cartoons, doll collecting, humor

Animal Town and Clowns

There is a place in the cartoon part of my brain where the dream-stories of Fantastica take place.  I am trying to get my goofiness all lined up to produce a more finished cartoon saga using all the goof-gas and whooey that I have stored up in that squirrel-den I call my mind.  I prepared a setting already… a single set that already showed you what Animal Town looks like, where all the people are anthropomorphized animals.  Here it is again to refresh your memory.

Animal Town

Animal Town is just one place in the larger Toon World of my silly imaginings.  There are many more.  I intend to draw these toons in what I call “Clown Noir”… that is, the drawings will be in pen and ink, filmed in black and white and red… especially red for noses.  Got the idea?  I hope I haven’t spoiled the joke already.  Spoiled jokes are kinda like spoiled milk; they make you want to put a clothespin on your nose (and that kinda hurts, so it becomes harder to laugh.)

I also wanted to introduce a few of the denizens of Fantastica.  (That’s denizens, not Dennis’ sons, because I used to think all the people that lived in one place somehow became the children of Dennis, but then Dennis told me that just ain’t so!)

Rugs

Rugs Rabbity is a class of cartoon character I like to call a hero.   I know what it looks like.  I probably did steal the character from Warner Brothers, but filtered through my dreams Rugs becomes something else other than pure Bugs.  He is, after all, a parody of a parody, and when that turns all parrot-y then we are looking at un-punny puns.  Makes you want to put another clothespin on your nose, doesn’t it?”

Mick n Beady

And here are two more parrots that I hope you will recognize and copyright lawyers will not.  They are much more insane and destructive than their counterparts from Mr. Prizney.

But cartoon dreams are not all animalized, and not all borrowed from elsewhere.  I am capable of making up my own characters too that don’t satirize and plagiarize and turn me into a toon-thief.  If you visit Crumpwell’s Wild West Ranch, there are one-of-a-kind characters that you might meet there too.

Flash

Flash Crumpwell is a hero character also.  But unlike Rugs, he is a little dim in the light-bulb-lighting department.

Handsome Harry has always got his face covered somehow, because, after all, if you are so good-looking that women always faint at your feet and men always shoot you on sight, life can become a little too interesting.  All in all, as a villain, he would rather just blow stuff up!

Davy

Princess Doe-Eyes is the real ruler of the Bignose Tribe, because, after all, she has a tiny nose, and her father is chief because his nose is the biggest in the tribe, but he can’t really see over it or around it… and when you’re in charge, that can kinda get in the way.  Davy Crickett is an Indian fighter from the old days, but he cannot bring himself to fight with the Princess or her Bignose Tribe.  He much prefers to play with her.

And we must certainly not forget the clowns.  Here are a couple of Clown villains (as if we need more reasons to be afraid of clowns!)

Messmaster

The Messmaster is a Clown who loves a good pie fight.  He will whirl and hurl and get you in the face with a strawberry or blueberry or Ray Bradbury pie (those Sci-Fi pies can get particularly messy and smelly… Clothespin number three… and it is getting hard to breathe.)

Badnose

Badnose is an even more evil Clown bad-guy.  I can’t begin to explain why his nose is so bad.

Lastly, let me share a scene with you from the rough draft of The Clown Town Caper, a detective story starring Detective Squiggy and Little Mickey (my dream-self).

Queen

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Filed under action figures, cartoons, humor, Paffooney, pen and ink

Welcome to Animal Town

Animal Town

This is Wildcat Street in AnimalTown.  It is a cartoon setting where some of my stranger dreamy-time cartoon stories take place.  One of my magical tomes is a self-created cartoon dreamworld where the plot is my life story told through the cartoon interpretations of my dreams.  AnimalTown is only one of the many settings from that long and graphically goofy tale.  There is also ClownTown, the Pirates’ Nest, Monster Mansion, Toon City, Crumpwell’s Wild West Ranch, and the Toonworld Space Port, along with other weird and wacky corners of my imagination’s geography.  I am thinking of expanding my blog to include web cartoons in story form… and if I do, I have a few wowser-oonie stories to share set here in AnimalTown.  It is a place run mostly by the prominent Moosewinkle family, headed by Mayor Moosewinkle, Judge Roy Moosewinkle, and prominent and incompetent attorney Woolbinkle J. Moosewinkle.  (There is obviously no connection what-so-ever with the cartoons I watched as a kid.  Surely those could not affect my dreams.)  The various stores and businesses in downtown AnimalTown all have to try to stay in business with stiff competition from Walrusmart, which is rumored to be secretly controlled by pirates.

mANDYHere is AnimalTown resident and sometime teenage know-it-all, Mandy Panda the panda-girl with panda-child Henry Panda, they are both immigrants from the distant Pandalore Islands where they originally spoke the Pandalog language.

I actually teach here in AnimalTown (in my dreams, I mean), and I do it in my rabbit incarnation, Mr. Reluctant Rabbit.

Mr. R Rabbit

So here is a classroom scene with me doing my wonderful teaching with my gigantic magical pencil.  (I sometimes refer to the magical pencil as Larry… but everybody knows only crazy people name their pencils.)

Teacher

So, let us see what happens when a crazy person dreams cartoon dreams and draws them down to blog on his blog with repetitive repetition of the same tired jokes and jolly paffoonery.

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Talk Like Popeye

squinteye

I have long identified with Popeye.  Let me review that notion by re-posting a bit of an old post in which I explain while talking like Popeye;

I am Popeye, I sez, because I just am…  Yeah, that’s right, I yam what I yam.

First of all, I looks like Popeye.  I has that cleft in me chin, very little hair left on me ol’ head, and I gots the same squinky eye (what squinky eye?).  I has had that same squinky eye since I wuz a teenager and got kicked in the eye doin’ sandlot football (bettern’ sandlot high divin’, fer sure!).  I also has them same bulgy arms, the ones that bulge in the forearm and is incredibobble thin on the upper arms.

Second of all, I has Popeye Spinach-strength.  I look weak and scrawny, but I is a lot tuffer than I looks.  I go into classrooms full of wild, crazed middle schoolers, and grabs their attention, tells ’em what’s what, and makes ’em woik.  (Woik is a voib, and that means I is woikin’ when I makes ’em do it.)  I kin stands ridicule and kids what will remarks on the hair in me ears and me squinky eye.  I tells ’em that the scar on me face was did by a bloke with a knife (which it were, cause I had skin cancer and the doctor used a knife to get it off).  I has taken all kinds of nasty punches from life (diabetes, blood-pressure problems, prostatitis, arthritis) and I still keeps comin’ back fer more.  In fact, I can winds up me arm and give that ol’ Devil a good Twisker Sock right in the kisser.

Third of all, I has a typical Popeye Sweet Patootie.  My Island Girl Wife is like Olive Oyl in very many ways.  She is always tellin’ me what to do.  She compares me to ol’ Bluto.  She panics and flails her arms when there’s a crisis.  And she expects me to always save the day and never says “thank you” after.

So, I mean it when I sez “I am Popeye”.  I yam what I yam and that’s all what I yam!

Popeye_0

See?  I kin talk like Popeye because in many ways I AM him… He of the mangled-mouth vocabubobulary created by Elzie Crisler Segar on January 17th, 1929 for his comic strip Thimble Theater for King Features Syndicate.  He doesn’t talk right because his brain is so full of goodness and spinach that he has no room left for spelling and pronunskiation.  Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak-ak….  Popeye is just a simple sailor, and has been for 94 years.  He expresses himself horribly, but only in the very best of ways.  So when I mangle a word on purpose… or by happy accident… it is just me honoring that old one-eyed sailor.  It is not me just being a stupid addle-pated blarney goon who don’t knows how to talk right.

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Comic strip from comicskingdom.com

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Dreary Days and Darklords

joebtfsplk

Al Capp was a genius.  And he knows precisely how it goes.  And no one describes it better.  Storm clouds float directly over my little square head (I am a Midwestern German-American, and they all have cubes for heads… both literally and figuratively.)  Anywhere I wander, disaster surely follows.  The last few days have been an absolute and unrelenting disaster.  And I can’t tell you all the details because it would compromise other people’s privacy.  But I can say that no lightning stings worse than the lightning bolts thrown by aggressively profit-conscious health insurance companies.   I will not name the hated company here because they will surely raise my premiums, but I hate them with a hatred more hateful than red-hot iron-grate-hate.  I went to a doctor’s office yesterday,  a doctor I was seeing for the first time because the new insurance company handling retired Teachers in Texas didn’t like the old doctor.  The old doctor was too good and got paid too well for insurance to approve him.  So I asked them to recommend a new doctor, a specialist of the right brand to replace the old doctor.  They gave me a name and I made the appointment.  I was told this new doctor was in-network.  I got there and started filling out a small hill of paperwork that required all my personal numerology and the atomic number of several specific elements… and my shoe size.  (And this was not a foot doctor.)  As I was littering the doctor’s office with filled crossword puzzles of numbers, hard-to-spell drug names, and private information, I was called up to the receptionist’s desk and informed that the insurance company said that while the doctor was in-network, she was not in-plan.  The specific plan I bought (chosen from a list of one) only uses doctors associated with Baylor Hospital in Carrollton… and this new doctor was associated with Methodist Hospital in Plano.  I could only see this new doctor if I paid 100% of the fee.  Being an independently wealthy retired school teacher on a fixed income, I had to decline that honor.  This of course is not the only hyoomillagration (Popeye’s word for it, not mine… another explanation that requires another post and another day) that the last few days would bring.  Having half a year’s salary as a working school teacher and half a year’s salary as a doddering retired person fully capable only of puttering and nuttering, the income tax situation tipped heavily in the government’s favor..  I had to pay almost $2000 dollars on the taxes that I filed through Turbotax on Monday.  I was proud of getting the taxes done early, but saddened at the sudden deflation of my savings account to the condition of totally-flattened-balloon-hood.  Worse yet, Turbotax sends bills under the name INTUIT, which I didn’t recognize on my bank statement.  It took the Wells Fargo fraud expert all of ten seconds to figure out the mistake I made, which was two minutes and ten seconds after the previous banker I had talked to irreversibly closed my bank account and issued a new bank card and account number which will take two weeks to come in the mail.  Now I couldn’t pay that doctor even if I wanted to.  And there were other things biting my bum as well.  The electronic car key is out of battery juice and I must now unlock it by hand.  The dog is currently on another in a long line of poop-and-pee-in-the-house-sprees.  I have a benign growth on my back that the other doctor I actually got to see this week says needs to come off by next week.  It is hurting constantly and keeps me from sleeping.  I am Joe  Btfsplk this week for no reason that I know of and mad wizards are persecuting me relentlessly.

Black Wizard

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A Toonerville Trolley Special Delivery

In honor of the unexpected snow day, and to mourn the death of the stupid daffodils, here’s an episode of Toonerville Trolley that I just had to share.   I need me a laughin’ place right about now, and Toonerville has always been that place.

Maybe tomorrow she will shout, “You no worry!  Katrinka fix!” just for me.

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Allegro Non Troppo

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Fantasia_Disney_Vault

Mussorgsky’s Night on Bald Mountain from Disney’s Fantasia

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The old faun

In musical terms, Allegro Non Troppo means fast tempo, but not too fast.  So, I recently discovered that Allegro Non Troppo is one of many rare and obscure old movies which I am passionate about that can be found in its entirety on YouTube.  I will include the YouTube link at the end of this post, and I sincerely recommend that if you have never seen this movie, you watch the whole thing at least once.  No matter how many cringes or winces or blushes it causes, this is a movie of many bizarre parts that you really need to take in as a whole.  It ranges from the ridiculous to the sublime, the atrociously ugly to the lyrically beautiful, from the brilliant classical score being played by a mistreated band of old ladies with orchestral instruments to a gorilla running amok,   from Debussy to Ravel, from an artist released from his cage to single-handedly draw the animation, to a satire rich with baudy humor making fun of no less a work of animation than Prisney’s… I mean Disney’s Fantasia.  The dark elements are there.  The light-hearted, lilting comedy is there.  The fairy tale delicacy and technicolor dreaming is all there.

And why should this be important to me?  Especially now that I am retired from a long and fruitful teaching career?  Well, I have history with this movie.  I saw it first in college.  I was an English major, but I took every film as literature class I could fit into my silly schedule.  As an undergrad, I was determined to be a cartoonist for a career.  I took classes seriously and aced most of them, but I was at college to intellectually play around.  I didn’t take the prescribed courses to be an English teacher.  That had to wait for the more responsible me to come along in grad school for that.  I saw both Fantasia and Allegro Non Troppo during one of the play-time years.  Much as the old satyr in Claude Debussy’s Prélude à l’après-midi d’un faune, I was enamored with sensory experience.  I took my first girlfriend to see Disney’s Fantasia, and she later turned down the opportunity to see Allegro Non Troppo with me.   Good sense on her part, but the beginning of the end of our relationship.155154089_640  Just as Fantasia has the part in it where Stravinsky’s Rite of Spring describes evolution from the beginning of the Earth to the end of the dinosaurs, Allegro Non Troppo uses Ravel’s Bolero to describe the evolution of life on a weird planet from germs in a discarded Coke bottle to the inevitable coming of the malevolent monkey who is ultimately us.  And, of course, the satire would not be complete without some off-set for Dukas’ The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. Allegro-Non-Troppo As near as I can figure it out, the apprentice, played by Mickey Mouse, becomes the snake from the Garden of Eden in Allegro Non Troppo.  When the snake is unable to get Adam and Eve to eat the apple, he makes the mistake of eating the apple himself.  He learns the hard way that, no matter how clever, even diabolically clever, you think you are, you are not really in control of anything in life.  Every would-be wizard in the world has to understand that he is powerless without hard experience.  And what a boring world full of naked people this would be if there were never any apprentices in it foolish enough to actually become wizards. 200_s  Of coufantasia_august2012_blogpromorse, I haven’t really talked about the most heart-twisting part of Allegro Non Troppo… the sad cat wandering the ruins of his former home, or the most laugh-aloud part with the super-tidy little lady-bee trying to eat a blossom, but being interrupted by a couple of picnickers.

allegronontroppo2 03  But the thing is, this movie is a timely subject for me.  Not only did I, just yesterday, rediscover it, but it still has the same meaning for me now as it did when I first saw it.  Then I was an aspiring young artist who loved this movie because it approached ideas non-consecutively, just as I approached my learning years… rambling here and there, finding first a bitter-sweet something, and then a sad beauty behind everything in life.  And it is where I am again now, in a poor-health enforced retirement… divorced from teacher’s schedules and time itself.  Able to do as I please, and aspiring once again to commit great acts of art.

allegro_cat images (1)

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Klowns

Kops

Over the past 50 years I have spent considerable time creating my own cartoons and cartoon characters.  In general I have always been stuck on adventure cartoons.  Milt Caniff’s Terry and the Pirates and Roy Crane’s Buzz Sawyer were always foremost in my goofy little cartoonist’s mind when I created.  I made an entire universe of characters and space-opera plots for what started as Zebra Fleet and would turn into Aeroquest.  I tried my hand at sword and sorcery fantasy with Hidden Kingdom.  In more recent years I started journaling in cartoon form with Adventures in Fantastica, a story that involves my dream self, Mickey. and a number of people from my real life, past and present, re-cast as talking animals and other weird cartoon characters.

fantastica fantastica2

I can’t publish stuff directly out of this large and ever-growing pile of cartoons because it is a pen-and-ink rough draft and includes lots of personal information about family and friends… and former students.  It is also x-rated at several points.  It is actually about my life.  But there are weird and wonderful story-arcs in it that could easily be converted.  The section set in Clowntown in particular… (Klowntown if I write it in Fantastican Kambobbulated Language) is a good story about a Klown detective named Squiggy who is trying to catch a thief who stole the heart-tarts from the Queen of Hearts.  I want to try making this into a cartoon strip that I intend to publish here on WordPress as a sort of web comic.  Don;t know what web comics are?  Here is one my son put me onto that you should give a look-see; Two Kinds

The Klowns in today’s Paffooney are Klowntown Kops.  They reveal what the average beat-klown-kop looks like in Fantastica.  They are pratfall and slapstick clowns that use rubber whack-bats and pie-whacker pies (like the Ray Brad-berry Sci-Fi Pie the Klown is holding, ready for pie-whacking bad guys.)

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Expelling Evil (and his Grammar Nazis) Part One

Do you remember when Dr. Evil took over Mickey’s Library with his evil minions and Grammar Nazi’s?  No?  Well, the Action-Hero-Guy team charged with protecting the library didn’t either… until finally today one of the Barbies complained that Dr. Evil was totally monopolizing the X-Box.  So now, incensed by Dr. Evil’s audacity… and unwillingness to share…the Captain Action Alliance of Action-Hero-Guys are taking action.

Here’s a link to help you remember what this is supposed to be about; https://catchafallingstarbook.wordpress.com/2014/08/22/dr-evil-invades-mickeys-library/

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So, lead by Captain Carl P.M. Action, the heroes sneak inside the library door ready for action.

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It did not take the heroes long to realize that they were not alone.

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You know that given a choice, true action heroes always choose action like bopping someone on the head (assuming they are not allowed to kill them with big explosions and lots of blood, thus leading to an R-rating so the kids who are your target audience will officially have to stay away, yet come to your movie in record numbers).

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It is fortunate Captain Carl was careful and did not cut off her gun hand with his wonderous Lightning Sword of Captain Action Power.  That would’ve gotten him an R-rating.  And he was also lucky that the Agent in Red did not try to shoot him in the brain by tipping the gun forward just a tad.  (Of course, it is possible it was the Agent in Red who was lucky she did not think of that.  It is probable that shooting Captain Carl in the brain will only make him mad.  And it is hard to actually hit something that tiny anyway.)

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So, now that she won’t tell him anything, how will Captain Carl defeat Dr. Evil and liberate the X-Box?  Oh, no!  No more X-Box Baseball ’04!  How will I survive it?  To find out what happens next, tune in next time at the same Batty time to the same Batty channel!

CA6

Oh, Nooooooooooo!

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