I am still writing this novella as a part of my Tuesday novel-writing demonstration. But this next chapter proves a difficult lump of story to carve into shape. Partly because the younger of my two sisters has cancer and my damaged car has to get fixed and the dermatologist used her dermatologist’s cancer-spot freezer to spray both of my temples and freeze my stupid head. I have been interrupted by other things. But the plot function this next part addresses is clear in my head. I just need another week to sort it out… after my frozen head thaws out.
I was listening to the Warsaw Philharmonic Orchestra in Poland performing Edward Elgar’s Enigma Variations. Have you heard it? As classical music goes, it is thinking-candy. Honestly, I strongly recommend it.
I was a school teacher for thirty-one years, and in spite of the immense amount of brain damage that builds up over time, especially as a middle-school teacher, I think I know what we’ve been doing wrong.
We need to take a look at an education system where things are working better than they are here.
Now, I know you probably didn’t click on the boring video about school. Heck, you probably aren’t even reading this sentence. But I can summarize it and put it in easy-to-understand words. Finland does not have to educate as many poor and disadvantaged kids as this country does. The video gives five ways that Finland does it better, but all of them boil down to the basic notion that the country is more homogeneous and uniformly middle-class than ours is. Still, we can learn things from them.
The first of the five ways that Finland does it better is a difference in government. While U.S. governmental safety-net programs blame people who need food stamps for being lazy (even though some of them work 40-hour work weeks in minimum-wage jobs), Finland gives a huge package to parents of everything they might need as soon as their child is born. As long as the child is in school, the government does many things to support the family’s efforts to educate them. Imagine what we could accomplish here if we invested some of the vast fortune we give to corporations in subsidies into educating poor black and Hispanic children instead. Children have a hard time learning in school when they come to school hungry. If we could only feed them better, the way the Fins do, we would revolutionize our classrooms.
The second point the video makes is the biggest suds-maker every time I get on my teacher’s soap box. They don’t give kids homework and they only give them one standardized test when they leave high school. I have recently covered this topic more thoroughly in a post in which I was able to ridicule Florida governor Rick “Skeletor” Scott. (Boy, did I enjoy doing that.) But I won’t go into all of that again here.
The third thing is respecting teachers. In Finland they treat teachers with the kind of respect that they give to doctors and lawyers. How cool is that? In Texas, calling someone a teacher is an epithet. If a teacher is liked or even loved by their students, administrators are encouraged to keep a closer eye on them to figure out what’s wrong. Students are supposed to hate their teachers and sit all day filling out mind-numbing test-preparation worksheets. Imagine what it could be like if teachers weren’t the scum of the earth. They might actually have students convinced that learning goes on in their classrooms.
The fourth point is that Finland does not try to cram more and more memorized details into young brains so they can spit it all back out on a test. They take students thoroughly into the subject of study, and at a slower, easier pace. They dive deep into the river of learning instead of wade through the wide and shallow parts. All questions get answered. And by that, I mean, student questions, not teacher questions. The learning is student-centered.
Finally, the video states that Finland simply has fewer social ills in their country to get in the way of good quality education. But even though the work is harder in this country, the potential is really there to go far beyond what Finland is capable of. We have a natural resource that is totally untapped in this nation. We don’t develop the minds of a majority of our children in any meaningful way. And I can tell you from having done it, you can teach a poor or disadvantaged child to think. You can give them the tools for academic, economic, and personal success. You can make them into valuable human beings. But you should never forget, they are already precious beyond measure. We just ignore and trash that inherent value. So, the information is out there about how to do a better job of educating our children. We need to follow through.
If you’ve read very much of my goofy little blog, you’ve probably run across the fact that I am something of a conspiracy theorist and strange-twist believer… sometimes referred to as a tinfoil-hat-wearer, or that old uncle you don’t want your kids sitting next to at the Thanksgiving dinner table. And I’ve got another one for you. I discovered while obsessing about nostalgia and old ads in the Saturday Evening Post, that the Coca-Cola company is probably responsible for warping my mind as a child.
My plan in revealing this hideous conspiracy is to take a look at ads and illustrations that I saw as a kid addicted to reading Saturday Evening Post every week at Grandpa and Grandma Aldrich’s farm. I will scour them for hidden meanings and try to reveal to you the insidious plot underlying these mind-altering illustrations. Keep in mind that you should probably take everything I say in this article with a grain of salt. No, really, salt can protect you from subtle mind-control messages.
And, yes, I realize that not all the messages are that subtle. Sometimes they shout at you, “Drink Coke and you will have more sex!” And you have to remember we are trying to avoid that kind of mind control. We have to fight every instance of ad companies trying to take control over us by exploiting our baser animal urges.
So, let me take a momentary interlude, a break if you will. I have this big glass of Diet Coke I just bought at QT, and…
Well, that was good!
Coca-Cola has been at this for a while. This ad from the 1940’s is apparently attempting to win World War II through choice of soft drinks. Look at this feisty brew the soldier is about to quaff. It is actually struggling in the cup to get out and go bite some German soldier’s face off. Any American soldier who can choke this stuff down is tough enough to take on the Axis powers, Napoleon after Hitler dug him up and used Frankenstein’s scientific breakthroughs to re-animate him, and even several countries we weren’t actually at war with. Even Rush Limbaugh and his weird lesbian-farmer-subsidies theory can’t compete with Coke on this level of propaganda wars.
I also think Coca-Cola ads may have something to do with why I became a Cardinals fan when I lived in a place full of Cubs and Twins fans. I admit, I added the dialogue and the commentary, but I used to do the same thing in my head when I was eight and the Cardinals went to the World Series… and the Cubs could not win it all even with Ernie Banks on their team. The Cardinals beat the Yankees in 7 games!
I blame Coca-Cola. Especially their ad department. Cause the generic manager is telling the generic Oubs player to “Relax… take it easy.” But the Cardinals won because Bob Gibson had that laser-intensity stare that bored holes through Mickey Mantle’s bat! (It is Oubs, not Cubs, by the way. Look at the big “O” on his jersey.)
And you can’t tell me that the Coca-Cola ad seen here, the one with the white-haired goblin child casting a spell on you with his crazy eyes and pointing at your dark, delicious master isn’t seriously trying to mess with children’s minds. There used to be a big five-foot-tall metal sign with this very picture on it in the one and only alley in Meservey, Iowa. The one time I went to the barber there to get my hair cut I had to sit in that barber chair and stare at this evil thing staring back at me from the alley across the street. It warped me. For one thing, I never went back to that barber shop again… at least until I was in college and the sign was gone.
So, I seriously believe Coca-Cola was messing with my mind as a child. They did it through subversive ad illustrations in Saturday Evening Post Magazine. And if I’m completely crazy now, I blame them. You don’t see that kind of thing going on today, do you? Well, I mean, we should be very worried. Because it probably means they have gotten better at it.
I will attempt to share with you now a bit of hard-earned Stoic wisdom learned not from Greek philosophers, but from long years worth of trying with all my power to teach anything at all to twelve-and-thirteen-year-olds. Bear with me, I am not crazy. I am a retired middle school teacher.
*No matter how naturally gifted you are with teaching skills, you have to learn everything about teaching the hard way, trying and failing repeatedly until you get it right, or until the students kill and eat you.*
*The only person whose behavior you can control is you yourself. Student behavior is chaos.*
*While you can’t control student behavior, you can use your behavior to corral attention and lead them towards something that resembles civilized behavior. (But learning how to corral those little piggies can take forever.)*
*You will want to do everything “the easy way” because that is the only way you can reach classroom goals in a reasonable amount of time. Of course, it takes practically no time to learn that there is NO EASY WAY!*
*Most teachers rely on drill and practice, and this is why there are so few excellent teachers. Drill and practice is the most effective way to teach students to hate the subject you are trying to teach.*
Students quietly studying, a thing no students in real life actually do (except for the fact that some of the pages in his textbook have obviously been torn and folded on the left side of the book to conceal love notes.)
*Students learn best in a “Laughing Classroom” where they talk to each other, activities are creative and sometimes loud, and learning becomes fun.*
*Many principals consider “Laughing Classrooms” to be a good reason to punish or dismiss a teacher.*
*Good teaching is a subversive act. Only the people who are supposed to teach or learn really want it to take place in most schools.*
*All of your students will misbehave at one time or another. Some only briefly and very mildly. Others for an endless period of time that you hope ends short of murder.*
*When a student misbehaves and you have to take them into the hallway to yell at them and/or murder them, you secretly tell them that you believe in them, describe the behavior and why it disappointed you, and then describe what they should have done instead. Follow that by asking them if someone else needs to get involved, parents, principal, police, or executioner, or if they would like to go back in the room and try again.*
*Your worst students are the ones who need you the most. You better learn somewhere along the way to love past the ugly.*
*Nothing you will ever do in your career will beat reaching the unreachable and teaching the unteachable. I pray that you will get to experience it at least once. And no one but you and that student will ever know about it.*
Now you can go be a school teacher and be all Stoic like Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius. And there was no secret code for anything evil in that last one. If you ever experience it, you will know then what I am talking about. Not everything you are proud of doing in life has to get a gold medal on a stage to be worth doing. But if you are a teacher, you already know that.
Being an essayist means thinking about things, ordering what you think about, and writing it all down in the best way you can manage. And so, there comes a time when you begin to think about philosophical stuff. Unfortunately, this is some of the stuffiest stuff you can think about or write about. Why do we exist? What is the meaning of life? What should we care most about? Why should we care about anything?
The proper time for me to think and write about this stuffy stuff is now. I am nearing the end of the story. The last page could be written at any time now, heart attack, stroke, car crash, or murder on the street by a teenager with an AR-15. Then the book will close and I will write no more.
My dog, Jade, never got to turn fully into a people before her story ended last month.
But what even IS time? Do we know? Physically it can be measured only by the movement of a mass of particles through space. The minute hand ticks over from 12:01 to 12:02. We recognize that as time. Length, width, height, and the fourth dimension is time. What, though, if we were able to see it from a possible fifth dimension that we don’t at present have the ability to see? All in one big massive construct, our whole life at once, every movement, every thought, every change, every emotion all together at the same moment in fifth-dimensional reality? If we dare to believe in a higher power, a god, then isn’t that how he perceives everything?
So, I have put together in this essay several Paffoonies with no real background to them. Moments from my life. Kernels of Mickey-corn to stand in for the beginning, middle, and end of my story. I will use Paffoonies to wax philosophical about things as I still find myself with time for waxing stuffy-stuff. Probably Multi-paffoons if I am being honest. Even bad clowns like me have to deal with philosophical questions. The un-examined life was never worth living. So, it was never the path I chose.
I told you before that I make a lousy movie critic because I watch anything and everything and like most of it. You don’t believe me? You can look it up through this link; The Uncritical Critic
I hate to tell you this, but it is almost exactly the same for books too.
The Paffooney is an illustration for a proposed collaboration on a children’s book. My friend and fellow author Stuart R. West (Stuart’s Blogspot about Aliens) had a story about three kids taking a balloon ride when they accidentally gave the goldfish bubble gum to chew ignoring their mother’s warning that dire consequences would follow. He decided the project was too ridiculous to follow through on, or at least my Paffooney power wasn’t up to making sense of his brilliant literature, and the book did not happen. And I am sorry about that because I couldn’t wait to find out how it turns out. I love weird and wild stories of all kinds. And, unfortunately, I love them uncritically.
So, what kind of books would a goofy uncritical critic actually recommend? Let me lay some bookishness on ya then.
Here is the review I wrote for Goodreads on Terry Pratchett’s The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents.
I have always felt, since the day I first picked up a copy of Mort by Terry Pratchett, that he was an absolute genius at humor-and-satire style fantasy fiction. In fact, he is a genius compared to any author in any genre. He has a mind that belongs up there with Mark Twain, Charles Dickens, and William Faulkner… or down there as the case may well be. This book is one of his best, though that is a list that includes most of his Discworld novels.
Amazing Maurice is a magically enhanced cat with multiple magically enhanced mice for minions. And the cat has stumbled on a sure fire money-making scheme that completely encompasses the myth of Pied Piper of Hamlin. In fact, it puts the myth in a blender, turns it on high, and even forgets to secure the lid. It is funny, heartwarming, and changes the way you look at mice and evil cats.
This is a book to be read more than once and laughed at for the rest of your life.
You see what I mean? I uncritically praise books that make me laugh and think deeply about things at the same time. It is as if I don’t have any standards at all if something is brilliantly written and makes a deep and influential impression on me.
Here’s another book that I love so much I can’t be properly critical when I reread it. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. I cannot help but be taken in by the unrequited love the dissolute lawyer Sydney Carton had for the beautiful refugee from the French Revolution, Lucy Manette. Tragic love stories melt my old heart. And I can’t help but root for Charles Darnay as well, even though I know what’s going to happen in Paris at the Bastille because I have read this book three times and seen the Ronald Coleman movie five times. I also love the comical side characters like Jerry Cruncher the grave-robber and hired man as well as Miss Pross, the undefeatable champion of Miss Lucy and key opposer to mad Madam Defarge.
I simply cannot be talked out of praising the books I read… and especially the books I love. I am totally uncritical as a reader, foolishly only looking for things I like about a book. Real critics are supposed to read a book and make faces that remind you of look on my little brother’s face when I had to help him use an outhouse for the first time. (Oh, what a lovely smell that was!) (And I mean that sarcastically!) Real critics are supposed to tell you what they hated about the book and what was done in such a juvenile and unprofessional way that it spoiled all other books forever. That’s right isn’t it? Real critics are supposed to do that? Maybe I am glad I’m not a real critic.
Anita Jones is a character in several of my books, but she also represents a girl from my own childhood who was as much of a regret for me as she was for poor old Charlie Brown.
Anita Jones, of course, is not her real name. You can’t even look at the picture and tell by what she looks like who I am secretly portraying. But the thing is, she was definitely real to me. And I would still be horrified to have her find out how I really felt about her.
She was not my first crush. I mooned over the beautiful Alicia Stewart (also not a real name) from second grade through sixth grade. But Anita was always right there. Often right behind me and to my left whenever I turned around on the playground. Not looking me in the eye, but probably looking at me until I began to turn. I know I looked at her whenever she wore dresses or shorts. She had beautiful peach-colored legs.
There was a time when, in Music class, the boys were forced to ask a girl to be a dance partner in the square dancing lessons that Miss Malik was giving us. My best friend Mark had asked Alicia to dance with him, so my number one choice was already taken. And when it was my turn, Anita looked at me with those wonderful brown eyes and heart-shaped face. And I… was too embarrassed to pick her. Then everyone would know how I really felt about her. So, I picked my cousin instead. My heart was lodged in my left shoe for three days after the look I saw on her face. Not my cousin’s face. The brown eyes and heart shape.
Then later, when I was on the high school bus to Belmond, Mickey Schmidt (we never called him Michael because I was Michael) made a joke that embarrassed me.
“Have you ever been caught masturbating in the bathtub?”
“No,” I told him, in disgust. Anita was in the seat across the aisle listening.
“It’s a good place to do it in, then, ain’t it.”
I turned as red as any maple leaf ever managed in late fall. She was smiling at me.
“I would’ve liked to have seen that,” she said. “I bet you even have a lot of hair down there.”
I would’ve laughed if I hadn’t been so embarrassed that my head might’ve caught fire.
But thinking about that humiliating moment on the bus later, I realized that she had actually been brave enough to admit she was thinking about my genitals. I had never asked her on a date or sat beside her in Art Class as I should have. My life might’ve been very different if I had. Even if I had asked her to dance.
But somewhere in the Multiverse, a parallel me is probably married to a parallel Anita. And I bless them for what might’ve been. At least, it’s lovely to think so now.
I think I posted this picture once before and told you it was inspired by William Blake’s poem The Tyger! That is still true. I wasn’t telling a lie, at least, I don’t believe I was. So the poem goes like this;
The idea is that the Tyger represents some unknowable evil that we must fear and respect because it is beyond our understanding. But the kid in the picture seems to be unafraid. Was that a mistake? Or was I really thinking this?
Apologies to Bill Watterson for stealing his cartoon for this post. I needed a more dangerous-looking Tyger than the one I had.
The organic thing clinging to Cissy’s skin looked like a space suit, but felt like a herd of plooberbeasts was sucking on her body with their oily tongues. She pulled at the armpits and crotch to try to adjust out the discomfort.
“I am told that if you pinch the Danjer suit too often, it turns your skin a darker blue,” Suki said.
Cissy looked down at herself and consciously tried to quell the urge to pinch it furiously.
They moved upward into the massive headspace of the space whale, following quietly as the head warrior led them to meet the prince.
Prince Porodor was standing in front of the inside wall of a space-whale eye. The eyes functioned like windows on a spaceship. You could look through it and see out into space. But the whale could see through it because of a wide web of optic nerves that colored the skull walls around it with a spiderweb of nerve ganglia. There was a transparent panel in the middle of the eye that picked up images from outside and inside the whale simultaneously. It also framed the imperious-looking Nebulon leader like a halo. He stared down at Cissy and her two companions like an angry king.
“We must decide if the Earther Humaniti lives or dies here. The Lupin Stardog as well, though their fates may not match,” the prince said.
“Captain Cissy Moonskipper saved a large number of our clan members from slavery to a planet of Stardog pirates. We owe her our lives and freedom.” Suki’s expression was defiant, though her voice was calm and reasonable.
“We are at war with the Earthers and the Galtorr Fusions of the Imperium. They owe us our freedom for violating our rights as star-farers.” The prince gave a thumb-down gesture with his right hand.
“It is true they treat us unfairly, but they are not all the same, just as Nebulons are not all the same. This one is different. She is good and caring. If we kill her after what she has done for us, we are being no better than the evil Earthers we war against.”
“True, Sister Suki. But Nebulon Law will decide. And who is Nebulon Law?”
“You are my prince.”
“We shall test her, then. If she passes, she will live. But the Lupin must be rendered into whale food. We will tolerate no such vermin on this space whale.”
“This Lupin child is different, my prince. She is the loyal pet of Cissy Moonskipper. Without her to lead the way, we would not have been able to make our way out of Stardog slave pens.”
“Very well then. The pet’s fate will be a sharing of the master’s fate. They both die… or both will live.”
“Know this, then, my prince. If Cissy is fated to die, you must kill me too. I owe her a life debt that cannot be repaid if I allow her to die.”
The prince’s face looked disgusted and angry to Cissy. But he nodded his agreement with Suki’s conditions.
“Suki, why is he saying everything in Galactic English? He must know that both Friday and I understand what he’s saying.”
Cissy indicated Friday, quaking and shaking like she was standing on a machine for mixing sand and ferrous particles to make ferrocrete.
“He wants you to understand. He wants you to be afraid.”
“I don’t fear him. I’m almost as tall as he is. And I’m better looking too.”
“He can hear you. But, in this case, that probably helps you.”
The prince snapped his fingers repeatedly. “The racial testing! Here and now. Bring me the twins!”
The people watching this unfold, blue-skinned all, moved about to get out of the way. A group of what were obviously Vorran women dressed in the orange gear of the Vorranac Clan led two naked male children into the headspace of the whale. One was obviously a Nebulon with blue skin and yellow hair with the two red cheek spots on his face. The other one was very peachy-pink colored, and looked for all the world like he was the same race as Cissy. Though his hair was also blond.
“Hear this, Cissy Moonskipper, would-be savior of Nebulon slaves, these two children are alike in almost every way. Tell, me… for the sake of your life and life of your pet… How are these two children different?”
Cissy looked at the two naked boys. Same height. Same basic facial features. Same haircuts. Same taciturn expressions. She hadn’t failed to notice that the prince had called for twins.
“They are not different. They are the same.”
The prince chuckled in a way that reminded Cissy of villains in holodramas. “You are quite wrong, Cissy Moonskipper. Look at these two brothers. They are both the children of two Nebulons born in captivity and sired by a slave owner who was a white male Earther. One, whose skin is blue and has the red radiation-absorbing organs on his face, bears the dominant genetic codes of the Nebulon race. The other, his Earther-like brother, has only the recessive genes of his slave-owning Imperial father.”
“So, what does this mean?” Suki challenged.
“The test has been failed.”
“Why is this so?” Cissy demanded. “Surely if they are twin brothers, they are equal in the sight of Nebulon lawmakers.”
“No,” growled the prince. “Neither one is a citizen of this space whale because of their tainted blood. But the one with the dominant Nebulon genes can live among us and serve us for his long Nebulonin lifetime. The other one, even with the protections of a Danjer suit, will eventually sicken and die from the exotic radiations generated by the interior environments of a space whale. We may as well subject him to the same sacrificial ritual that will be used to dispose of all of you.”
Cissy was stunned.
The head warrior stood before them. “I will now take you to the place of feasting and leisure. You will have stentoriac sekktons of time to eat, drink, and be happy. Then we will assemble in the bowels to dissect and render you into food for the whale.”
“Stentoriac sekktons?” Cissy asked.
“You might want to think of it as three Earth days. Seventy-two hours,” Suki said.
Friday buried her puppy face in Cissy’s side and let the tears flow.
Catch a Falling Star 
Why School Should Be Cool
I was a school teacher for thirty-one years, and in spite of the immense amount of brain damage that builds up over time, especially as a middle-school teacher, I think I know what we’ve been doing wrong.
We need to take a look at an education system where things are working better than they are here.
Now, I know you probably didn’t click on the boring video about school. Heck, you probably aren’t even reading this sentence. But I can summarize it and put it in easy-to-understand words. Finland does not have to educate as many poor and disadvantaged kids as this country does. The video gives five ways that Finland does it better, but all of them boil down to the basic notion that the country is more homogeneous and uniformly middle-class than ours is. Still, we can learn things from them.
The first of the five ways that Finland does it better is a difference in government. While U.S. governmental safety-net programs blame people who need food stamps for being lazy (even though some of them work 40-hour work weeks in minimum-wage jobs), Finland gives a huge package to parents of everything they might need as soon as their child is born. As long as the child is in school, the government does many things to support the family’s efforts to educate them. Imagine what we could accomplish here if we invested some of the vast fortune we give to corporations in subsidies into educating poor black and Hispanic children instead. Children have a hard time learning in school when they come to school hungry. If we could only feed them better, the way the Fins do, we would revolutionize our classrooms.
The second point the video makes is the biggest suds-maker every time I get on my teacher’s soap box. They don’t give kids homework and they only give them one standardized test when they leave high school. I have recently covered this topic more thoroughly in a post in which I was able to ridicule Florida governor Rick “Skeletor” Scott. (Boy, did I enjoy doing that.) But I won’t go into all of that again here.
The third thing is respecting teachers. In Finland they treat teachers with the kind of respect that they give to doctors and lawyers. How cool is that? In Texas, calling someone a teacher is an epithet. If a teacher is liked or even loved by their students, administrators are encouraged to keep a closer eye on them to figure out what’s wrong. Students are supposed to hate their teachers and sit all day filling out mind-numbing test-preparation worksheets. Imagine what it could be like if teachers weren’t the scum of the earth. They might actually have students convinced that learning goes on in their classrooms.
The fourth point is that Finland does not try to cram more and more memorized details into young brains so they can spit it all back out on a test. They take students thoroughly into the subject of study, and at a slower, easier pace. They dive deep into the river of learning instead of wade through the wide and shallow parts. All questions get answered. And by that, I mean, student questions, not teacher questions. The learning is student-centered.
Finally, the video states that Finland simply has fewer social ills in their country to get in the way of good quality education. But even though the work is harder in this country, the potential is really there to go far beyond what Finland is capable of. We have a natural resource that is totally untapped in this nation. We don’t develop the minds of a majority of our children in any meaningful way. And I can tell you from having done it, you can teach a poor or disadvantaged child to think. You can give them the tools for academic, economic, and personal success. You can make them into valuable human beings. But you should never forget, they are already precious beyond measure. We just ignore and trash that inherent value. So, the information is out there about how to do a better job of educating our children. We need to follow through.
Here endeth the lesson.
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Tagged as education, Finland's education system, humor, lessons learned, teaching, teaching better