I have been moaning and complaining in this blog for a couple of weeks. I don’t have bad days. I have bad weeks… bad months… bad years. And making fun of my pain, making light of my suffering, is a way of making myself feel better. Making light of serious stuff… it occurs to me that that is what God does every single morning when the sun rises.
My most recent sunrise… 2016
You may be aware if you have read about me making light of my raging hoarding disorder that not only do I collect things that normal people don’t keep massive quantities of, but I also collect photos I have taken of sunrises I have seen. As I woke this morning with an ache in my chest I really should see the doctor about again (I have seen a cardiologist twice in the last five years about the same nagging pain, and the best they can tell me is that it might be an arthritis pain in my lower rib cage) I thought melancholy thoughts again about my personal end of days. One of the reasons I continue to collect sunrises is to celebrate the fact that I am still here, still witnessing God making light of the serious universe. I really think that may be the most important thing in life… to live, and love, and laugh… to experience existence. I am a tiny little creature on one small blue planet in a vast and seemingly never-ending ocean of space and stars. The iron in my blood was forged in the centers of distant stars that were born, grew old and died, and littered the universe with their element-rich guts when they finally exploded in an amazing super-nova of stellar fart-gas that it is possible no living intelligent being ever witnessed. I am insignificant. And the universe will not miss me when I am gone. And it may not even know I was ever here. But I am here to see the sun come up. That is a duty I continue to perform.
I know it may look like I am endlessly snapping the same picture over and over again. But every day the subtle pinks and purples and blues… the oranges and reds… make a different Jackson Pollack painting of the sky. And I look at it carefully while the dog is impatiently tugging at the end of the leash because she wants to go piddie-paw and poo. It is a beauty to be bathed in… and I apparently have earned one more to add to my collection.
The Blue Faun who represents the lovely melancholy sensuality that informs my wordy little life.
When I was in Iowa last, and had a chance to see the younger of my two sisters, Mary Ann, she told me flat out that she really liked my most recent blog posts and that I should give up all together on my gloomy pessimistic ones. This, of course, was confusing to me because all my blog posts are relentlessly gloomy and never make anyone smile, so I did not know for certain what she was responding to.
As I have shared on more than one occasion, I suffer from six incurable diseases and am a cancer survivor. I don’t plan on living more than decade further at my most optimistic, and I told you recently that I am a confirmed pessimist. At worst, I could be dropping dead from stroke or heart attack as soon as I post this silly sour old post. I will be absolutely delighted to live long enough to finish another novel or two and maybe even see them published. I keep close track of my remaining hours because each one is rare and precious to me, even the ones that are quite painful and hard. So gloomy is as gloomy does. I am constantly celebrating that I have lived this long already. How depressing is that? … the celebrating every day thing, I mean?
And of all the people who suspect I might be a fish sticks and custard sort of person, Mary Ann is not one of them. She watches Doctor Who and knows that that is exactly what I am. I am goofy and scatter-brained and a barely contained barrel of weird energy and misplaced enthusiasm. I do stuff like fill my bedroom Barbie shelf with bizarre and kitschy little 12-inch people.
The Barbie Shelf
I appreciate melancholy and being blue, because the hollows of the valleys of depression make you appreciate the giddy heights so much more. And I do realize that I am stringing big words and goopy metaphors together to sound all literary and brooding… but that’s what real geniuses whom I am trying to emulate do to reach the highest heights. They run down through the valley at the fastest possible pace to build up enough speed to shoot up the side of the mountain on the other side. It is a Wiley Coyote trick for using cartoon physics in your own favor. It is the reason I am still tending the flower wagon, trying to coax zinnias into blossoming during the depressingly renewed Texas drought. It is the reason I keep adding to my collection of sunrises. The dark blue pieces of the puzzle of life provide the contrast that help you define the puzzle picture of the brightest sunshine and light.
The blossoms in the flower wagon reached a new record number today, despite the heat.
Sunrise on a school day when I don’t have to go to school because I am retired.