Tag Archives: satire

July 5, 2017 · 1:30 pm

Stardusters… Canto 54 (A Day Late)

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Canto Fifty-Four – Aboard the Bonehead

Farbick spent a great deal of effort in the inky darkness talking to Stabharh. The lizard-man was now the closest thing he had to an actual ally. Starbright didn’t count as an ally as she had become more of a lover and indispensible resource. Stabharh told him all about Senator Tedhkruhz’s war on the Galtorrian people and how single-minded ambition had gradually chewed up and destroyed the biosphere of an entire planet. The Senator had been absolutely remorseless and blood-thirsty, at first because it was highly profitable to the Senator’s backers, and then because it allowed him to eat up his betters and defeat the more powerful, but less ruthless leaders that stood in the way of Tedhkruhz’s rise to planetary domination.

“How do you suppose we can preserve ourselves?” Farbick asked. “You seem to have a real knack for survival in all these war stories you have told me.”

“Well, I didn’t exaggerate… too much. Bahbahr and I did survive, didn’t we?”

“Bahbahr is dead now,” Starbright reminded them unhelpfully.

“Yes,” said Stabharh flatly, “I never figured on out-living that fat greedy slug. I have no plan for what to do now… though I would really rather not die if I can put it off at all.”

“I think one of the secrets to survival,” offered Farbick, “is relying on others. Bahbahr obviously owed his survival more to you and your efforts than he did to his own superiority.”

“Yes,” added Starbright, somewhat more helpfully this time around, “and Biznap and I would both be dead already if it hadn’t been for you, Farbick.” She gave him a loving squeeze around the middle for emphasis. He hugged her back in the oppressive blackness.

“So, maybe,” said Stabharh, “we need to stand together and help each other instead of treating each other as enemies.”

“Yes. I like that notion very much.” Farbick knew that Stabharh could not see him smiling because of the pitch darkness, but for his present purposes he thought that was a very good thing. He was not planning on turning on Stabharh, but he thought the key here was in working out ways to get others to turn on their own masters… and he was well aware that Stabharh was very unfeeling toward his former employer as he betrayed him and caused that employer’s sad fate.

“We have to convince the members of the Senator’s surviving crew to turn on him for their own good,” said Stabharh. “They have to see that following that evil lizard-man is choosing their own eventual suffering and death.”

“Why are lizard men so determined to keep doing bad things until they die?” asked Starbright innocently, but again rather unhelpfully.

“We are mostly raised to believe that it is weakness to offer help to others. If someone is weak, they should die… or be killed and eaten.”

“Do you still believe that?” asked Farbick carefully.

“Well, yes… but I now see that you have made the opposite choice a number of times already, Farbick… and have been quite successful because of it.”

“What do you mean?”

“You could’ve killed Bahbahr and me a number of times instead of doing what you did. You gave us a chance to live on and make better choices. Instead of killing me when I was trapped in the force field, you kept me alive until the Senator landed and took us all as his prisoners.”

“At that point, keeping you alive long enough to offer to Senator Tedhkruhz kept him from killing us and eating us immediately. We helped each other in the long run.”

“I think it will help us even further,” said Stabharh. “I think I have a plan in my evil little brain that may just get us out of this terrible dark hole. Wait a minute… thinking this hard hurts sometimes… but… YES! I know just what to do!”

Farbick bit his lip in the darkness. This was either going to be a good thing that helped the three of them, or a very bad thing that at least put an end to their troubles.”

*****

The Evil Senator Tedhkruhz

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Filed under aliens, humor, novel, NOVEL WRITING, Paffooney

Tagged as aliens, Galtorrians, novel, satire, Stardusters and Space Lizards, Tellerons

December 3, 2016 · 4:28 pm

“Because I Said So!” (Why Bad Guys Always Win – Part 3)

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Didn’t you hate it as a kid when Mom or Dad used to pull the royal decree maneuver on you rather than give you the real explanation? “Why can’t we get a new dog to replace the one the junkyard dealer ran over with his truck?” “Because I said so!”

Yes, they pull rank or site ultimate power of authority or simply bully you into letting them win the argument. Nixon said, “If it’s the President of the United States who does it, then it is legal.” Remember, though, that Nixon was forced to resign shortly after that.

Now, Donald Trump says, “The President can’t have a conflict of interest,” by which he means that he doesn’t have to sell off his international real-estate holdings and put his assets into a real blind trust (not one run by Ivanka).

Does he get away with it? It will mean, according to ethics lawyers from both the Obama and Bush administrations, that he will be in violation of the Emoluments Clause of the U.S. Constitution as soon as he takes the oath of office. So, of course he will. Just like Mom and Dad after we buried Scamper.

Obama, as President, was forced to do most of what he did by Executive Order because he was a Democrat, and to a Republican Congress, that means he is automatically in the wrong. Still, he managed to enforce his will with the I said so’s at least until the righteously heroic Republicans achieved their miracle victory with President-Elect Babyhands Von Clownstick. Now, of course, his overreaching abuse of the I said so power to do terrible things, like allow undocumented children fleeing from violence and persecution to take shelter in this country, will now all be undone.

Of course, when a Republican is President, that’s different. Republican Presidents are automatically good and patriotic and protecting the people even when they are lying to create a profitable war in Iraq to benefit Darth Cheney’s Halliburton interests. Lonesome George the Rodeo Clown when he was President issued all sorts of Executive Orders that were not questioned even by Democrats, let alone opposed or reversed. In the hands of a Republican President, I said so power is more absolute than Emperor Palpatine’s use of the Dark Side of the Force.

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So under President Donald J (for Joker, revealing his secret identity as a Batman villain) Trump, the “Because I said so!” will be absolute. Rosie O’Donnell, Bill Maher, and Jon Stewart had better get used to the idea of waterboarding in Guantanamo. We had all better get used to the idea of the White House being plated in gold leaf. And I had better hope, having written an essay revealing the Cinnamon Hitler’s actual super power, that nobody actually reads this blog anymore. If you would like to help ease my fears, you could always leave a comment in the comment section that includes the words, “I did not actually read this post.”

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Filed under angry rant, feeling sorry for myself, humor, Liberal ideas, politics, rants, satire

Tagged as conflict of interests, Donald Trump, humor, politics, rants, Republicans, satire, Sith Republicans, warped political views

November 2, 2016 · 3:04 pm

Doom is Imminent, It’s Time to Sing!

Yessir, the Cubs have a chance to win their first World Series since 1908 tonight. They have not won the title since Tinker to Evers to Chance was the double-play combo of poetic proportions. They have never won in my lifetime, and I am quite old. So, there is proof positive the world is about to end.

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Yes, I can even describe the mechanics of the thing. Donald Trump will be elected President of the United States thanks to Mr. Comey’s timely reveal of more scandalous emails that he has not read and chuckled about yet. You know, the ones that he couldn’t have actually read yet because they come from potential pedophile Anthony Weiner’s computer, and he had to have a separate warrant from a judge to read anything that may have to do with Hillary, even though probably none of them contain nude pictures from Hillary, and she probably didn’t even write those emails. The world had to know about that right before the election, especially members of the Republican House Committee for examining Hillary’s every boo-boo. So, the Donald will win, because nobody is doing any press conferences on the FBI investigation on his ties to the Russian government through the biggest bank in Russia. ‘Taint important, Pogo.

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And once the great orange pumpkin-head is our next president, our health care will no longer be under the misguided protection of Obamacare. Instead, it will will be taken care of by “something terrific” that will make high profits for somebody, and make certain that I will never be able to pay another medical bill (since those who are deceased rarely do).

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And, of course, President Pompadoodle will be able to declare that we no longer have to believe in the climate change hoax. The result being that we will soon be able to buy beachfront property in Iowa and Missouri, be able to purchase our breathable air in factory-made brick-form, and possibly grow a helpful third eye from the mutating effects of nuclear radiation.

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And, lastly, I would like to thank the late great Walt Kelly for illustrating today’s post. One wonders how a cartoonist can look so far ahead from the 1960’s to do such a fine job of illustrating the problems of 2016? Will miracles never cease? I mean, really, we could probably do with a few less of these industrial grade miracles made out of recycled elephant poop.

Translating Texican

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I came to Texas from Iowa. I was well-versed in how to speak Iowegian. (I was, don’t-ya-know, and spoke it fluently, you-betcha.)

Then I arrived, fresh-faced and ready to change the world as a twenty-five-year-old teacher, and began working in a mostly Hispanic middle school in deep South Texas. Dang! Whut language do they speak? (Yes, I know… Spanish. But my students straight from Mexico couldn’t understand the local lingo either. South Texas Spanish and Castilian Spanish from Mexico are not the same language.) I couldn’t talk to the white kids either. It is possible to communicate with Texicans, but it took me years to learn the language. It takes more than mere usage of “ya’ll” and “howdy”.

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You can probably see what I mean when you look at these fake quotes based on the things real Texicans actually once said to me. Of course, I can be accused of being a racist by interpreting things this way. Texicans are concerned that you understand that they are not racists. They merely rebel against being “politically correct”. Apparently the political-correctness police give them all sorts of unfair harassment about speaking their minds the way they always have. I should note, however, that I had to use a quote from Bubba rather than Dave Winchuk. Dave is so anti-political-correctness concerned that he regularly said to me things with so much racial heat in them that they would even melt the faces off white people. Face-melting is bad. If you don’t believe me, re-watch the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

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And to speak Texican, you must actually learn a thing or two about guns. Yes, Texas is an open-carry State. Apparently second amendment rights are the most important rights in the constitution. My two sons grew up in Texas, and the oldest is a Marine. Guns are important to them. I have those same arguments with former students, too. I have learned to say the right things so that they will tolerate my unholy pacifist ideas about how the world might be safer if everybody didn’t have five guns in the waistbands of their underpants. So gun-stuff ends up as a part of the Texican language I have learned to speak.

The point of it all is, language is a fascinating thing that grows and changes and warps and regresses. I love it. I try to master it. And the mistakes I make usually sound purty funny.

A Superhero’s Lament

Muck Man, the world’s smelliest superhero, has the blues. He sits now in the midst of the trash in the Muck Cave and feels that the world is unfair and the super villains are winning.

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It seems that no matter how often Cinnamon Hitler says something disrespectful, racist, unpatriotic, or anti-woman, he still seems to be winning the 2016 Presidential election. The Organization of Evil Governor’s Named Rick (the O.E.G.N.R. includes Rick Perry of Texas, Rick Snyder of Michigan, and Rick “Skeletor” Scott of Florida) has been busy polluting the Atlantic to cause red tides, poisoning the Flint, Michigan water works with lead, and trying to strangle Texas education to death through reduction of State funding. They also, it seems, have been drowning puppies while grinning insanely. Oh, and winning re-elections every time the government says that it is necessary, though, apparently not winning fairly. Future President Stinky Orange Cheese Man keeps insisting that all elections are rigged.

And Muck Man feels powerless to stop any of it. He is as stinky as ever. His super power of making villains pass out from the smell has never been at higher levels. But he is mostly confined to the Muck Cave by poor health. And the Muck Mobile is in the shop again. And he can’t communicate his distress to the outside world effectively because his previous publisher broke his contract, potential future publishers have rejected him, and the only reason he gets traffic on WordPress is that people keep searching for the words “naked” and “nude” on Google and he has at least three posts with those words in the title.

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So, it feels like the bad guys are winning. It is hard to go on. But superheroes never give up. And we will make a come-back, he and I, because that’s what superheroes do.

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Filed under battling depression, cartoons, characters, feeling sorry for myself, heroes, humor, Paffooney, Uncategorized

Tagged as cartoons, humor, Muck Man, Organization of Evil Governors Named Rick, satire, Trump, world's stinkiest superhero

August 12, 2016 · 4:27 pm

Common Sense

Wally22

I have lived a lifetime with the words, “Well, you are smart, alright, but you don’t have common sense like me.” When they meet me for the first time, other people always know that I am some sort of absent-minded-professor type who solves calculus problems in his head but forgets to wear pants to school. (Sorry, Darrin, for using you as an example of what they assume all geniuses are like.) They always know that their two-plus-two-always-equals-four common sense makes them superior to me. They don’t have to feel intimidated by my smartness because common sense is a universal equalizer.

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Bullies have loudly assured me of the truth of this right to my face. Classroom wise-guys and know-it-alls (like the radioactive humanoid yam with a comb-over currently running for president) remind me that anybody can accurately remember sources for points brought up in an argument. And since anybody can do it, if they just take the time to look stuff up, or actually learn it, then it isn’t such a big deal. The guy who can pull the right answer out of the air, the answer that everybody else likes, is the one to listen to. When that guy is a billionaire, then he can always hire someone like me to look stuff up for him.

The REAL Sarah

Notorious common sense advocate Sarah Palin has been campaigning in defense of common sense tea party candidates like Tim Heulskamp because she fears that absent-minded-professor types are going to undo his good work of blocking a path to citizenship for hardworking immigrants who have been here for many years and stand to be deported because their paperwork has expired while Heulscamp automatically votes “NO” on any and all immigration reform. And it is common sense to not raise taxes on the millionaires and billionaires who create jobs even though it seems like a majority of those jobs are created overseas because, after all, workers who don’t demand high pay, or any pay at all, are better for profits. And poor Timmy lost his seat in the House, even after the miracle that is the State of Kansas trickle-down economics experiment. He lost it to a rival in the GOP primary. A rival that will work with “ugh!” Democratic absent-minded professors to actually pass legislation that even Republican voters seem to want… despite common sense. How can you work with people who tolerate smart people with no pants on?

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So, what have I really learned from this rumination about common sense? Nothing, of course, because I am merely smart. I have no common sense. At least, not in the sense that it is always used as a club against me.

But if I were pressed to come up with something, I might be persuaded to say, “Common sense is an oxymoron. It is certainly not common any more. And most of the people invoking it, don’t make very much sense.” Let me just sit here for a while and think about that with no pants on.

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Filed under angry rant, clowns, humor, insight, irony, Paffooney, pessimism, philosophy, politics, red States, satire, self pity

Tagged as common sense, humor, paffooney, sarcasm, satire

May 29, 2016 · 4:54 pm

Dog Thoughts

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Now that she regularly steals people food from the pantry, Jade the dog is becoming more and more like the human race she wants to be a member of. Recently she was reading my blog and got the idea that she could write poetry. So, I was searching for an idea for today’s post and decided I would let her give it a try. So all of this poetry today will be written by the family dog.

Introducing Dog Thoughts

Woof! Grumph-hak-borph-borph… Rrrr.

Did you get that? Or do I have to translate everything into your language?

Boofa-Rrrrr. Bork bork grumph…. okay, we’ll do it your way.

But every time I need to add a tail wag,

Ima gonna go “*************” where each “*” is one wag.

Got it now? People are so dumb!

The family dog after eating enough potato chips to become all people-y…

It Is a Stinky World!

Ooowow! I go outside and I can smell dog poop in the park!

The rabbit that lives in the hedge leaves those little round brown things!

I want to put my nose in a pile of those *********!

I like to eat cat droppings, but you have to dig them up *******

And I am deathly afraid of the white cat… it kills and eats rats!

And it’s almost as big as I am

With breath that smells like dead rats

It is a stinky world! *******

Isn’t that great! ********

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Queen of the Couch

Why do you not understand

That the couch is mine all morning and all afternoon?

I will get off when it’s time to eat

And I will get off when it’s time to go outside

But the rest of the time the couch is mine

So don’t disturb me

Or I’ll pee in your shoes!

Dingledum dog .

Rats Are NOT Our Friends

I smell them more than see them

With rank and nasty sewer smells

And I never, ever catch them

They don’t come ringing bells

And my master puts out poison

Which they eat with garbage sauce

But it only makes them poison-proof

And I am at a loss…

All I do is bark at them

When I smell them in the walls

And my family’s mad at ME

When all the blame and curses fall.

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The Beg-Eye

Do you really not see me here? *****

Here right by your knee? ******

I know you’re eating bacon! *******

I can smell every bite disappearing! ********

Look into my eyes! *********

My big, sad dog eyes! **********

Don’t you want to give me some? **********

I mean, it’s BACON! ************

**************************************!!!

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I Do Love My Family

I take my beloved family members for walks

Four or five times a day

It keeps them healthy

With cold, wet noses

And shiny coats of fur

And I always make sure they are on the other end of the leash

How else can I guide them, and keep them safe?

From passing cars?

And other dogs?

But I wish they would be patient

when I stop to sniff all the tree trunks and posts

Where I check the messages from boy dogs

Written in pee

Some of them sure do have healthy bladders!

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Filed under autobiography, family dog, humor, Paffooney cartoony, poetry

Tagged as Dog poop, dogs, goofiness, humor, Paffoonies, poems written by a dog, satire

May 13, 2016 · 3:51 pm

Secrets of the Muck Cave

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I recently revealed the existence of a new superhero in Dallas, the Magnificent Muck Man, master of muck and mud and maddening stench. Remember, his superpower is the ability to produce smells so awful they paralyze, neutralize, and even euthanize every opponent.

Now, every superhero needs his secret lair. Batman has the Batcave. Superman has the Fortress of Solitude. The Avengers have Avenger’s Mansion… oh, uh, maybe they’re not all secret. But, anyway, Muck Man has the Muck Cave. Yes, it is based on my house. I am old. I have six incurable diseases. So cleaning is difficult. And I don’t always smell that good myself. But I am not trying to claim I am Muck Man’s secret identity. The fool almost revealed his secret identity by smelling bad in an elevator… so I have to be more careful not to out him.

Anyway, the Muck Cave is Muck Man’s secret lair and base of operations. It is a normal-looking residential suburban house, on the outside. Inside, it is a hideous maze of garbage piles, discarded soiled laundry, random dog poo from Muck Dog, and a layer of wetness from incessantly overflowing toilets. Okay, there is another secret out. Muck Man has kids at home. How else do you explain how an ordinary house becomes an unnatural flowing fountain of filth?

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Muck Man is not alone in his fight against evil. He has a couple of sidekicks that haven’t left the Muck Cave in disgust yet. They are teenage swashbuckling Mucklets that aspire to one day become Teen Titans. In fact, Muck Woman has a huge crush on Robin, such a huge crush that she refused to take the name that Dad… uh, Muck Man… suggested. She did not want to be called Muck GIRL. She did not particularly want to hang out with trained muck-rats either, but for a chance to hang out with Boy Wonders on weekends, well…

Muck Lad, however, likes his name… almost as much as he likes living in the Muck Cave. Teenage boys and filth-laden rooms in the Muck Cave are simply made for each other. And Muck Lad can’t wait to use his patented stink-saber on evil. It’s like a Star Wars light saber, except it creates a blade of solid stink that can cut through anything.

As the new superhero team prepares to get into crime fighting, I have it on good authority that they plan to go see the new Marvel movie Captain America: Civil War tonight. I believe they plan to take notes on how it all works.

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Filed under artwork, Avengers, cartoons, comic book heroes, daughters, family, goofiness, humor, kids, Paffooney

Tagged as family, house cleaning, humor, Muck Man, satire, superheroes

May 11, 2016 · 6:07 pm

An Original Superhero

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I love Marvel Comics, and, as a result, I am also falling in love with the Marvel Superhero movies. I spent this morning drooling over the Flash TV series which has that wonderful comic book wiseacre flavor. And I decided that Dallas needs its own superhero.

So, using the toxic pollution in the city air and the natural ability of the human body to adapt to anything, Muck Man is born. Yes, Muck Man, the toxic hero who smells so bad that bad guys don’t have a chance. Severe odor is his super power. He can remove his shoes and take down a regiment of evil villain minions with a wave of foot-fungus incredo-stink. He can radiate infected ear-wax smells through the earwax antennas on his helmet. And, of course, he can go fully nuclear with a Muck Man power fart.

The Magnificent Muck Man has a secret identity too. He is a mild-mannered retired school teacher by day, pursuing a mundane and forgettable career as a writer until the city is threatened by a super villain. And he is coming.

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Behold, the Angry Orange King. He is tramping toward us in Angry Tramp Boots looking to tramp all over the basic human rights of people he doesn’t like. Especially poor people he doesn’t like. He gives rude finger gestures to the masses with the fingers of his tiny, tiny hands. And he likes to build gigantic things and make other people pay for them. He has recently defeated the homegrown lizard-man super villain that represents our state. He used his super villain power to hang insulting nicknames on people, and we all know that nicknames can be fatal, especially to lizard-people. Many would argue that the Angry Orange King hasn’t won total victory yet. He still has to defeat one more opponent before the frightened nation turns the keys to the kingdom over to him. But there is no guarantee that he will be beaten, as no other contender has beaten him yet, despite everything the wise monkeys claim to be true.

So the confrontation is set to happen. Blow-hard insult master against the world’s greatest source of stinky justice. Who will win? Nobody knows for sure. But for me, I tend to side with goodness over evil.

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Filed under Avengers, cartoons, characters, comic book heroes, conspiracy theory, humor, Paffooney, satire

Tagged as comic book heroes, comic books, humor, satire, super villains

May 10, 2016 · 3:09 pm