Tag Archives: humor

Making Portraits

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My biggest regret as a cartoonist and waster of art supplies is the fact that I am not the world’s best portrait artist.  I can only rarely make a work of art look like a real person.  Usually the subject has to to be a person I love or care deeply about.  This 1983 picture of Ruben looks very like him to me, though he probably wouldn’t recognize himself here as the 8th grader who told me in the fall of 1981 that I was his favorite teacher.  That admission on his part kept me from quitting and failing as a first year teacher overwhelmed by the challenges of a poor school district in deep South Texas.

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My Great Grandma Hinckley was really great.

My great grandmother on my mother’s side passed away as the 1970’s came to an end.  I tried to immortalize her with a work of art.  I drew the sketch above to make a painting of her.  All my relatives were amazed at the picture.  They loved it immensely.  I gave the painting to my Grandma Aldrich, her second eldest daughter.  And it got put away in a closet at the farmhouse.  It made my grandma too sad to look at every day.  So the actual painting is still in a closet in Iowa.

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There were, of course, numerous students that made my life a living heck, especially during my early years as a teacher.  But I was one of those unusual teachers (possibly insane teachers) who learned to love the bad kids.  Love/hate relationships tend to endure in your memory almost as long as the loving ones.  I was always able to pull the good out of certain kids… at least in portraits of them.

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When kids pose for pictures, they are not usually patient enough to sit for a portrait artist.  I learned early on to work from photographs, though it has the disadvantage of being only two-dimensional.  Sometimes you have to cartoonify the subject to get the real essence of the person you are capturing in artiness.

But I can’t get to the point of this essay without acknowledging the fact that any artist who tries to make a portrait, is not a camera.  The artist has to put down on paper or canvas what he sees in his own head.  That means the work of art is filtered through the artist’s goofy brain and is transformed by all his quirks and abnormalities.  Therefore any work of art, including a portrait that looks like its subject, is really a picture of the artist himself.  So, I guess I owe you some self portraits to compare.

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Yeah, that’s me at 10… so what?

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Filed under art criticism, artwork, autobiography, humor, kids, Paffooney, self portrait, strange and wonderful ideas about life

Spokes-Dog

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At breakfast I cooked smokies, small-sized fried sausages.  Jade, our family dog got up to the table with the rest of us.

“I can eat twenty of those!” Jade said.

“No you can’t,” I said.  “You are a dog and eat from a bowl on the floor.  I didn’t even set a plate on the table for you.  This is not dog food.”

“Dad?  Did you see these coupons for Taco Bell on the table?” said the Princess.

“Oh, you mean, the Taco Bueno ads?  Remember what the last trip to that other place gave us?”

“Oh, yeah.  That was a horrible day spent in the bathroom,” she answered.

“The next time you go to Taco Bell, take me! ” said the dog.  “I loved the taco meat I found on the table last time you made the mistake of leaving some there.”

“Well, I do know that Taco Bell is universally loved by dogs.”

“How do you know that?” asked the Princess.

“Don’t you remember the Taco Bell dog?  Or were you too young when he was popular?”

“I think I was too young.”

“Look him up on the internet.”

“Oh, yeah!  I kinda remember that.  He was a talking dog, just like Jade.”

“Yes, but I think he mostly spoke Spanish.”

“He’s handsome!” said Jade.  “But look, he’s on television with very short fur… he’s naked!  That would be very embarrassing.”

“Yeah, when it comes to TV spokes-dogs, you’d probably prefer Spuds Mackenzie.  He had more style.”

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“I never heard of him,” said the Princess.

“Well, he was before you were born.  He was the Budweiser spokes-dog.”

“Did he talk too?”

“Just party language.  He was always chilling by the pool with beautiful human girls.”

“Let me see more of him!” demanded Jade.

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“Wow!” said Jade.  “A dog who drinks beer and plays guitar!  I think I’m in love!”

“That was so long ago, though,” I said.  “He is probably dead by now.  The average life span of a dog is only about ten years at the most.”

“Oh, now I am depressed,” said Jade.  “And you know the only cure for that is to give me some of the breakfast sausages!”

So, as I gave a dog a sausage, I was deeply regretting the whole talking dog thing.

 

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Filed under family, family dog, goofiness, humor, strange and wonderful ideas about life

The Gallery of Goofiness

Looking for stuff to organize into a post today led me to realize that I currently exist swimming in a tidal wave of goofy images that I myself have created.

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So, lazy and goofy old me will now show you some of these things.

I don’t even remember why I drew some of these things.

Some of it, is obviously because I was a teacher.

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But some of it is merely wacky.

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Though some might be considered inspirational.

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While some of it is just meant to be appealing.

But all of it provides me with an easy post that you can read fast, but still get plenty to think about from.  It is even good for a re-post if I add something newer.

 

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Filed under artwork, blog posting, colored pencil, goofiness, humor, illustrations, imagination, insight, old art, Paffooney

Stardusters… Canto 17

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Canto Seventeen – In the Lizardman’s Stronghold

Biznap, Farbick, and Starbright all had their hands resting against the helmet crests that contained their Telleron head-fins.   It was not easy to hold your hands above your head while wearing the heavy environment suits, but the large, nasty-looking slug-thrower the little lizardman held in his hands gave them extra encouragement.  Farbick was fairly sure the weapon worked like an Earther machine gun and could fire a steady stream of hot metal projectiles.

“You are the most pukingly repugnant set of miscreants ever produced by your inferior amphibianoid race,” said the huge, obese lizardman sitting on the throne, the one, it turned out, that had the girly voice.  The reptile wore only loose-fitting robes over his elephantine body, and his small, atrophied legs made it obvious the prodigious bulk could not even walk by himself.

“Will you eat one of them now, master?” asked the little lizardman with deep, dangerous-sounding voice.   He was tiny compared to the Tellerons, and microscopic compared to his master, but Farbick could tell by his scowl and his cold yellow snake eyes that he was by far the most dangerous creature in the room.

“The female looks delicious,” squeaked the fat one, “but they killed Grakknarh.  We can’t afford to eat them while they are still useful to our plans.”

“Grakknarh was the lizardman who attacked us outside?” Farbick asked.

“Yes.  And he was the one keeping the scabbies out of this facility.”

“What are scabbies?” Starbright asked.

The little lizardman grimaced as he spoke.  “Survivors of Tedhkruhz’s bacteria weapon are mindless monsters now.  They are covered in scabs from the disease, and they attack and eat anyone they see.”

“Don’t give them too much information, Stabharh,” warned the fat one.  “They are our prisoners now, but they have superior technology that we want.”

“Yes, Bahbahr, I yield to your wisdom.”

“What technology?” asked Farbick.

“The space ship you came in on, for one,” squealed Bahbahr greedily.  “We need it to get to another base where we can continue to try to fight off Overlord Rekhpahree, and evil Senator Tedhkruhz.  They have been trying to force my business empire out of business and killed most of my employees.”

“Giving a space ship to Galtorrians is totally out of the question,” said Biznap.  “We have no intention of unleashing your reptilian hordes on the galaxy.”

“What hordes?” asked Stabharh.  “Most of the population of Galtorr Prime is now dead or diseased.  There are barely any uninfected males left alive, and no females that we know of.”

“Too much information!” shouted Bahbahr.  “You need to leave some things for them to figure out on their own.”

“But you told me they were stupid,” said Stabharh.

“Yes, but you are telling them everything!”

“Oh.  Yeah.  Sorry, Bahbahr.”

“Commander Biznap is right in saying that we would rather die than give you the space ship,” said Starbright.

“Whoa, now… I didn’t actually say that.”  Biznap took his hands off his head fin.  “You don’t know how to fly a starship, do you?”

“No,” admitted Stabharh, “but we can learn.”

“Stabharh!”

“Oh, sorry again.”

“We would be willing to transport the two of you to this new base you wish to move to.  After we deliver you, you will let us fly back to our people.”

“We let one of you go.  And we keep the other two, along with all of the weapons you used to slay Grakknarh.”

“You can keep one of us, and the weapons,” countered Biznap.  “You will need someone to show you how to use the weapons properly.  By the way, do you have mirrors on your world?”

“Of course we have mirrors,” said Bahbahr in disgust.  “How else can I admire my beautiful figure and emerald scales?”

“Good,” said Biznap.  “I know a special trick with our weapons and a nice mirror.”

“We will think about your deal on the way to Galtorr Nine.”

“We will need a decision first,” said Biznap.

“We could eat you all now and figure the weapons out for ourselves…”

Biznap nodded meekly.  Farbick wondered if it might not have been better to get the devouring over with.

*****

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Filed under aliens, humor, novel, NOVEL WRITING, Paffooney, science fiction

The Irony of Regular Blogging

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This is an old artwork I have never shared before.

There are many things that I have noticed about being a blogger that are the opposite of what you might expect.  Let me list a few…

  • Listing stuff makes a daily post easier.
  • I have posted something on WordPress as a blogger ever day for twenty two and a half months.  I will soon hit two years without missing a day.
  • Writing every day makes the ideas flow more easily rather than running out of ideas.  The well refills faster than I can drink its waters.
  • My most popular post is Be Naked More , which gets views practically every day, but including artistic nudes randomly in a post does not increase its views and popularity even when I put “naked” and “nude” in the tags.

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  • Reproducing artwork on a blog is difficult when you draw things too big for your little scanner/printer.  No matter how good the camera and how bright the lighting, white becomes gray and the sparkle and luster of good colored pencil color is lost.
  • Good writing becomes more about writing less.  But it also has to be more carefully crafted.  The more I brew prose in my black cauldron of a blog, the more it seems to boil down to poetry.
  • Readers don’t seem to object to metaphors and purple paisley prose as much as editors and book reviewers do.
  • I like writing purple paisley prose (over-complicated grammatical structures with alliteration, metaphor, and asides that interrupt the flow like this one… taken to the extreme for humorous effect).

  • Art pieces can be manipulated and re-used or re-combined to make something new out of something old.  Computers make art-editing infinitely easier.
  • Most people don’t actually read your blog all the way through.  Some just like it for the pictures.  If you actually read this far, you can let me know with a smiley face in the comments.
  • There are many, many good writers on WordPress… as I am sure there are on other blog sites as well.  I despair of being able to find and read them all.  If you are reading this bullet point, you are probably one of the ones I have found and read and liked.  Blogging becomes a mirror that shows you your own self more naked than naked… not just what is under your clothes, but what you look like to yourself in your own head.  And the more you walk around WordPress naked like that, the more you want to show it all off.  (How’s that for an idea that will pull in the readers from the lonely parts of Siberia?)

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Filed under blog posting, foolishness, goofy thoughts, humor, insight, irony, Paffooney

The Car Radio Keeps Me Alive

Today I had to deliver my daughter, the Princess, to her high school in the rain.  It is hard enough make the circuitous trip to the west in order to go south and then east again through all the construction and roadwork going on with stupid people who are somehow allowed to drive a car and carry a gun in Texas even though they don’t know what a turn signal is for or that a speed limit sign shows the maximum rather than the minimum speed you should go at every red stoplight and corner without there being rain to obscure vision and make the mangled pavement slick.  You have to be able to concentrate and perform like a virtuoso while driving to make it there alive.  I would simply not be able to do it without the car radio.

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Driving the family car in Texas

The radio keeps me calm and gives my brain the power it needs to overcome obstacles.  The jump across the river with the man-eating fish in it alone requires an energized brain and a cool head.  I listen to oldies on the radio with KLUV in the mornings.  It is how my children have come to love Don Henley and the Eagles as much as I do.

For the last seven years of my teaching career, I had to learn the hard way that music is critical to driving well, and driving well is the only way to stay alive on the mean streets of Dallas.  I had a morning commute of 40 minutes, 30 miles, and 45 stoplights one way to my teaching job in Garland.  I drove it starting at six in the morning to avoid traffic.  But after school, I often had to labor for three hours through rush hour traffic on the way back home.  I learned to switch the station to 101.1, the classical music station.  Listening to Mozart and Beethoven not only makes you smarter, it makes you calmer.  Calm enough not to get out of your car at the stop light and beat the guy in the car ahead of you with the detached bumper of your car that he knocked off while cutting in front of you because he was in the wrong lane to make the turn he needed to make and didn’t realize until 15 minutes into the wait for the red light to change enough times that our cars actually had a chance to make it through the intersection.  Yes, that is a run-on sentence about road rage.  And road rage is real.  But in real life I didn’t beat him to death because of Mendelssohn playing on the car radio.  It only played out that way in my head while the radio soothed my brain and prevented my hair from catching fire.

I owe my life and sanity to the car radio many times over.  And I am resigned to the notion that I will probably need it many times more before the curtain closes the last time.

 

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Filed under angry rant, classical music, feeling sorry for myself, grumpiness, humor, mental health, Paffooney

The World is Ending, the Cubs are Winning

The Cubs, those lovable losers from Wrigley who haven’t won the world series in a century, came from behind in the 9th inning and closed out the hated Giants.  They are going to the National League Championship.  If they win the World Series, the world will end.  And I have to say, in spite of being a Cardinals’ fan and wanting the world to survive, I am rooting for them to do it.

For the record, two critical Cubs are actually Cardinals in Cub suits.  John Lackey and Jason Heyward were both part of the Cardinals’ 100-win season last season.  In my heart, they will always be Cardinals.  If they can’t win the series with St. Louis, at least they deserve to win it with the team that stole them.  And, of course, the Cardinals themselves didn’t make the playoffs, and the Texas Rangers were blasted out of the playoffs by Toronto.  I can’t root for any of the other teams that remain.

So I end up rooting for the world to end.  The goat’s curse will be broken.  Donald Trump will be president.  And solar winds from the sun will strip the biosphere off the planet.  Why would I want such a thing?  Because it is baseball… and baseball is a life.

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Filed under baseball, baseball fan, goofy thoughts, humor, metaphor, strange and wonderful ideas about life

Stardusters… Canto 16

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Canto Sixteen – Falling Out of Orbit

Alden and Gracie Morrell, along with all the Telleron tadpoles were gathered around the communicator.

“We welded our ship into the side of the space station,” Davalon said to the voice on the speaker.

“Why the Hrrasskattoon did you do that?”  said the angry female voice.

“Hrrasskattoon?” asked George Jetson.

“It probably means blogwopping,” said Tanith.

“Blogwopping?” asked Gracie Morrell.

“You don’t really want to know,” said Davalon.

“Oh,” said Gracie, suddenly realizing.

“We crashed into the side of the station and there were holes in the bulkheads of both vehicles.  We would’ve eventually had explosive decompression if we hadn’t made the two vehicles into one.”

“Resourceful,” said the angry voice, “but you are trespassing on my property.”

“Are you somewhere here on board?” asked Davalon.

“Of course not!  I know better than to be aboard an unaerodynamic space vehicle when I am trying to salvage it and bring it down to the surface through the atmosphere.  I might burn up.”

“You are crashing the station?”  Brekka was horrified.  “We’ll all die!”

“You’re lucky you are not dead already,” said the voice.  “But since you are there, you can do some repairs for me that will help me bring you down safely.  I’d rather not burn the station up if I can help it.  Especially now that I can see you have Earth humans with you.  They might be worth a lot to me if I can get them down here alive.”

“Tellerons are not worth anything to you?” asked Menolly.

“Of course they are.  But I could still eat a dead Telleron, couldn’t I?”

Menolly and Brekka grabbed each other around the necks and did the hugging thing they learned from humans.  Both girls began shivering violently.

“So you are planning to eat us?” asked Gracie in an angry tone.

“No.   I can use all of you if you live through this.  You may have noticed that my world has been devastated.  I am trying to save what is left of it.  I’m not ready for the reality of planetary extinction.”

“How can we help?” asked Davalon.

“I need the anti-gravity coils repaired so I can float the whole thing down.  That will keep the whole station from burning up on re-entry.”

“What if we don’t know how to repair anti-gravity coils?” asked George Jetson nervously.

“I will guide you through it step by step.  You don’t think I would rely on Telleron intelligence, do you?  We often refer to your people as Space Clowns.  There’s a reason for that,” said the voice with a sneer.

“A good reason,” Davalon said softly to himself.

“Say!  How is it that you speak English?” asked Gracie.

“The same reason your Telleron friends speak it,” said the voice.  “Television.   I particularly like the Brady Bunch.  It is my favorite show.  It’s how I know you two Earth people are mere children.  I especially like when Marcia bosses around Greg and Peter.  They almost act like Galtorrians sometimes, though much funnier… and less killing and eating each other.”

“My name is Davalon,” said Dav.  “I am the leader of this expedition.  Can I ask what your name is?”

“I am called Sizzahl.  But we need to be getting to work before your orbit degrades any further.  As far as any of you are actually concerned, my name, for the next few hours, might as well be GOD ALMIGHTY.”

“Oh, good,” muttered Alden Morrell, “a religious lizard-woman.”

*****

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Think Big, Think a Little…

When I feel like I am losing my battle with six incurable diseases, I often fight back against the depression by doing some big-picture thinking.  How does one little insignificant speck of carbon-based lifeform living on an apparently doomed planet fit into the vast over-all thing that is the universe?  Well, I can shift my point of view from the macro to the micro.  To the tiny little liver cell that just split off an older cell, the great big organism that is me is rather a big deal.  To the tiny germinating thought in my brain that will evolve into this essay, the collection of thoughts and experiences that is my mind and soul are a matter of life and death.  What does it all mean, anyway?  What value does it all have?

I have been a public school teacher who touched more than 2000 lives in my time.  I invented moose bowling.  I have written and published more than one novel.  I have somehow managed to reproduce and father three beautiful children in spite of my many flaws and geek-o-riffic tendencies.  I have achieved success in so many ways.  Even if it all ends in the next hour, it will be okay.  I will continue to resonate through this little world in one way or another for quite some time.  I have affected this world for both good and ill, but mostly for good, and that affects the solar system too because I have been a part of it… and the Orion Spur of the Saggitarius Spiral Arm of the Milky Way Galaxy too because I have been a part of it… and the local cluster of galaxies… and probably even the realms beyond that.

To paraphrase The Desiderata ; “I am a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, I have a right to be here.”

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Yes, some days when I don’t feel well, I live here… my house and my neighborhood.

So, Lord, this is not about regret or guilt or longing or pain.  This is about celebration.  It is good to exist.  Thank you for every day of life I have ever had.

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Filed under autobiography, battling depression, empathy, humor, illness, insight, inspiration, Paffooney, strange and wonderful ideas about life

Yes, There Are Pirates in Our World

What is a pirate?  A privateer?  A buccaneer?

There are people in this world who are driven by greed and a sense that they have nothing to lose by risking everything to take what belongs to you.  They swoop in on their fast pirate ships, swing on board your little boat, hurt you, steal what you have, and eventually kill you.  Movies romanticize swashbucklers as somebody who takes from the rich and the villainous as a sort of cosmic comeuppance.  But the reality is they are criminals and murderers.

But they don’t carry swords any more.

They are the CEOs of banks.

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Bank-o’ Merricka is an excellent example who sailed their Jolly Roger right up to the gunwales of my little boat.  I underwent a debt reduction program because of five hospital stays in five years that drained my personal treasury.  $35,000 in credit card debt reduced and paid off in three years.  But Bank-o’ Merricka, after they learned I would not be able to pay all the interest I owed, immediately stopped calling.  The debt disappeared from my account.  They had sold the debt to a debt collector and quietly sat on the bill as I paid everything else off.  Then, they filed a lawsuit for the entire amount I owed, plus interest, and plus legal fees.  If I hadn’t hired a lawyer and fought the lawsuit, they would’ve won the entire amount by default.  That’s how they clean out most of their victims and prey, because people generally surrender to pirates who come over the rails with swords in their teeth and burning cannon fuses in their beards.

I  may still lose the battle in this boarding action, but at least I haven’t simply surrendered.  But there are other pirate ships circling my little boat as well.  My evil health insurance company are also buccaneers, and they demand higher and higher premiums and co-pays, and routinely deny all claims.  Diabetic supply people keep calling me and offering free meters and stuff the health insurance pirates are supposed to cover one hundred per cent.  I just paid them $260 dollars of a $500 dollar scam bill that hit my little boat like a cannon shot.

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So, the pirates are out there.  I am still fighting off the boarders.  But I think my little boat is sinking.

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Filed under angry rant, autobiography, conspiracy theory, feeling sorry for myself, humor, Paffooney, Pirates