Tag Archives: Donald Trump

March 6, 2016 · 10:30 am

Making Fun of What’s Funny

 

Senator Tedhkruzh

There is only so much time you can spend making fun of Tronald Dump and Cred Tuz…  Only so many “Ted Cruz is a lizard-man” jokes can be made before they are no longer funny.  But it is never going to be less important during an election season than it is now.

Lizard-man Cruz is a religious-fanatic-poser who will lead us further into the realms of oligarchy and fascism.  We see him constantly in the Republican Presidential debates using lizard tricks to get any advantage he can get.  Telling Ben Carson supporters that Ben the Sleepy Dwarf was leaving the race and his supporters should vote for Cruz, the next best choice.  Of course, Carson was still in the race.  And all we got from the Cruz campaign was a big old “oopsie”. Those of us dedicated to making fun of Senator Cruz, especially those of us in Texas who have to take the blame for him, are trying our hardest to expose what he is to everyone who listens to us, and it isn’t working very well.  Cruz, as sleazy and reviled as he is, still seems to get what he wants… at least preventing others from having what he doesn’t want us to have.

Here’s a lovely video of Ted Cruz from Bad Lip Reading on YouTube;

I have to admit that I had to watch this three times to figure out that they were matching words to his lips rather than just showing us stupid crap that Ted actually says.  I mean, he really does talk and act like this.  How was I supposed to know it was mere satire?

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And as bad as Ted Cruz would be as a choice for President, Donald Trump would be far worse.  The irrational humanoid orangutan is using the same sort of fear tactics that Herr Adolf used to rise in Germany in the 1930’s.  He uses Mexicans and Muslims as whipping people instead of Jews, but he is similar in almost every tactic.  In fact, I believe that Herr Hitler would have his own reality TV show if he lived in New York City in this day and age.  He would definitely relish firing people on television, especially using real fire.  This man is leading all the Republican candidates in the polls.  He is even capable of beating Hillary Clinton due to her Benghazi-and-email tarnished reputation.  We may soon be required to salute and shout “heil Donald!” in this country.

Any of the Republican candidates would be better than these two I have concentrated my ridicule upon, yet any of them would be a disaster.  Kasich and Rubio are the most moderate and least-likely-to-destroy-all-life-on-earth.  But Kasich wants to slaughter public education, and Rubio is actually an enemy to immigration reform, not an advocate.  They are no bed of roses either.  Bed of thorns maybe, but not sweet-smelling like roses.

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A fairly accurate portrait of what Marco Rubio sees when he looks in a mirror.

So now I have used my 500 words to elucidate and lament the evils of politics as they have played out in this election year so far.  I hope you will laugh with me at the ridiculousness of booger-eaters like Cruz and monkey-men like Trump.  But I also hope you will take this humor at least a little bit seriously.

 

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February 2, 2016 · 4:40 pm

When Lizard People Win

Senator Tedhkruzh

Senator Tedhkruzh, the lizard-man from the doomed planet Galtorr Prime.

The Iowa Caucuses delivered a result that was, to me, not unexpected, but definitely dreaded.  Not that I am not happy that Bernie Sanders tied Hilary Clinton on the Democratic side.  Sanders is a gruff and determined old grandpa-man who says what he means and has been pursuing ideas that I truly believe will benefit everybody for more than forty years.  But my Iowa friends and Iowa family are more given to the conservative point of view.  As a result, they have a tendency to accept as truth the lies they are told by the lizard people who have taken on human disguises and become the leaders of the Republican Party.

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Apparently Grandpa Munster is the winner of the Republican half of the Iowa Caucuses.  Not to say that it is a bad thing that Mr. Donald Trump did not win, for he would be a very bad president if elected.  He does not represent all the people of this country, and does not even represent the interests of all the people who would vote for him.  He is a greedy, ruthless business overlord who favors the rich and has distinct and harmful prejudices against most minorities.  He has a terrible idea of what is good for all Americans.  But, as orangutans will when given the reins of the stagecoach, he will promptly drive us into the nearest ditch and be replaced with a better driver.
Senator Cruz from Texas, however, is another beast all together.  The noted conspiracy theorist, David Icke, insists many of the world leaders are actually serpentoid aliens able to take on human form, and are using their ability to control the world for sinister alien ends.  Now, I certainly don’t believe that David Icke is anything more than a kook and a charlatan making obscene amounts of money lecturing about his conspiracy theories and bizarre fantasy life.  Ted Cruz, in my experience, however, is a cold-blooded creature with nothing but his own appetites for power in his agenda.  He portrays himself as an opponent to Obamacare and orchestrated an unnecessary, expensive, and needlessly destructive government shutdown to demonstrate his power.  The fact that the Affordable Care Act is actually helping people with the nightmare of American health care and insurance access is irrelevant to him.  He is a child of immigrants, yet he is opposed to giving hard-working would-be immigrants easy access to citizenship and fully documented acceptance.  And the worst thing about the cold-blooded politician is that he has the power and ability to enforce his will if we make the mistake of electing him President of the United States.  As a humorist, it is tempting to merely call the enemy names and cleverly insult him.  You can probably tell that I enjoy doing just that.  But I hope you see too that I am choosing against him for myself because of his stated policy positions and past actions.  It is not the man… so much as the man’s potential for doing harm.  I admit to prejudice against him.  But sometimes you fear somebody for actual reasons… not just because he is a lizard man masquerading as a human being.

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January 21, 2016 · 4:38 pm

How to Be Offended by Practically Everything

I have recently been told that I am too easily offended.  In fact, I have been repeatedly told that.  Apparently I overreact to things that should not upset me or should not be taken personally.   Apparently my humor is too flippant and insensitive.  I am told that I should not have an issue with people using the Confederate Flag on Facebook posts, even when they are insisting that their rights are being violated if they can’t fly that flag next to the U.S. Flag on Veterans’ Day… even though they are from Iowa and their ancestors fought and died for the Union.  I am told that I should not be upset that Donald Trump wants to deport almost all of my former ESL students because he thinks they are rapists and drug dealers.  He hasn’t met them.  And he even admitted that he “assumed some are good people”.  But he is going to protect us by eliminating all foreigners from our society.  No more of this “anchor baby” stuff with children being born here only so that their parents can stay.  People don’t deserve to live here if their ancestors weren’t born here.  And I shouldn’t let my foolish attachment to these interlopers, based on years worth of getting to know them so I could do my job as a teacher properly, color my response to the perceptions and pronouncements of “real Americans”.

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The Daily Edge’s photo.

I recently shared this movie poster on Facebook because I am disgusted and offended by the immigration policies of both of these “real Americans”.  I thought it was clever, and it made me chuckle, even though I am quite well aware that Jim Carrey might be livid about having his face replaced by Sarah Palin’s.  She does, after all say funnier and more nonsensical things than he does.

But I got blow-back.  An Iowegian Facebook friend, whom I remember as a sweet-natured little six-year-old that I held on my lap in the 1970’s, told me, “Just wait, you will be sorry” in the comments.  Now, you should probably know that Tommy grew up to be an illiterate jack of all trades who loves guns and hunting and is planning to vote for Donald Trump because he passionately hates the “Mexicans” that moved into Iowa to do the farm work that practically no one else is doing any more.  He is not above acting out his belief in Trump with a gun in his hands.  Will he hurt me over a Facebook post?  Probably not.  He’s not a genius, but he still remembers me fondly as the older boy that befriended him when he lived with his grandma in the house on the other side of our back yard.  I played card games and monopoly with him and his brothers, and often let him win.  But apparently, hatred of Mexicans and other “job-takers” Trumps hearts in the card game of life.

So I am left wondering if the people telling me that I am too easily offended aren’t actually the ones getting offended for the wrong reasons.

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I try to listen whenever Willy Wonka pops up on Facebook to smugly tell me how to live my life.  He is right when he says that you have to honestly consider the viewpoint of others and not be so completely convinced of the rightness and righteousness of your own point of view.

But those getting mad at me for being offended are offending me by saying and posting and doing hate-filled things that don’t treat others as people… just because their skin color and country of origin is slightly different than our own.  They post insults aimed at “welfare queens” and suggest those people deserve what they get out of life because they are lazy and take advantage of government programs.  Never mind that most of the suffering and poverty in this country is endured by the growing number of people with minimum-wage jobs.  And those people are always working hard when I see them at work.  Some of the people that offend me by suggesting we shouldn’t be generous to others are people that I know have no more wealth to draw upon than the people they are criticizing, and take some of the same assistance programs they are complaining about.  Maybe it is actually to everyone’s benefit to be offended by the kind of hurtful things and ideas that go around this country prompted by Republican Presidential candidates and Fox News.  Maybe I am not being offended enough?

We will have to wait and see.  I’m sure that sooner or later Willy Wonka will pop up on Facebook with the answer.  I do love that movie, and that is probably why his internet meme ideas always sway me.  (It is possible that this essay may not be exhibiting Mr. Spock levels of logic, but Mickey can only think like a Mickey always thinks.)

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December 16, 2015 · 8:48 pm

Thank God I Wasn’t Born a Republican

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Yes, I know my parents were both Eisenhower Republicans back in the 1950’s when I was born.  But Iowa was always far enough removed from the racial tensions of the South and the Southwest to keep me mostly insulated from the politics of hate.  Besides, the bad guys were Southern Democrats back then.  John Kennedy and Lyndon Johnson turned them all into Republicans by declaring that black people and Hispanic people were a part of that “All men are created equal” nonsense referred to by left wingers as the “Civil Rights Movement”.   Dwight Eisenhower warned us against “the Military-Industrial Complex”.  In the 80’s the Reagan Republicans embraced the “M.I.C.” as an essential part of free-market capitalism.   Poor President Eisenhower would not recognize his party today.  Today they stand for giving tax breaks to the wealthy and the corporations that make them wealthy.  As well as standing for taking food stamps away from poor families who haven’t earned them because they only work two or three minimum-wage jobs.  We can’t afford to be giving money away to people who probably do work harder than corporate CEO’s who make tens of thousands of dollars a minute, but their work is obviously not as valuable.

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Sarah Palin was recently resurrected to comment on the Republican debate of 12/15/2015.

Sarah Palin says the front-runners in Iowa, (Donald Trump and Ted Cruz) would both make a good next president from the Republican-Tea-Party point of view.  Horrors!  The scary thing is, not only do these Republican opinion-leaders really believe things Sarah Palin says, they may actually be less intelligent than she is.  Ted Cruz would like to implement a uniform 17% flat tax.  This actually sounds good to Republican ears.  Poor Republicans don’t seem to realize that it will allow the wealthy to pay even less in taxes.  Paying 17% instead of 35% means millions, if not billions of extra dollars to pocket for Donald Trump, Mitt Romney, and the Koch Brothers.  It will also mean that middle-income and poor people will be paying a larger percent of everything the government spends.  Hence, reduced spending falls on social safety-nets and anything else that costs money but benefits people who are not rich.  In fact, Republicans will insist on increasing military spending, so the economy is probably doomed to depths deeper than the Great Recession of 2008.

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Donald Trump is too often tempted to lash out with opinions apparently influenced by the full moon.

The issue of immigration is still the thing that galvanizes the Republican base the most.  Fear of foreigners, Muslims, and Mexicans are equated with fear of murderers, rapists, and terrorists.  It is a roaring flame of fear that is being fanned not only by Donald (ook!) Trump, but also every Republican candidate.  Some of them, though, use slightly less oily words than the Donald (ook-ook!) when fanning those flames.  The good news for people like me who hope no Republican can beat whoever the Democratic nominee is, resides in the fact that Marco Rubio, the candidate most likely moderate enough to win it all, will never be the Republican nominee because he’s too soft on immigration (“too soft” meaning that he actually wants a process approved for immigrants to become citizens, something the Republican base fiercely opposes.

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I really think the only way a Republican can win the Presidency is if they start slicing and dicing the candidates they have, and sewing up a new composite candidate that has the best of all of them.  John Kasich’s common sense is only 25% evil.  They could use that.  Rubio’s immigration views are only heartless when it comes to Muslims.  They desperately need a heart, even if it does only beat half the time.  Ted Cruz could contribute the fearlessness needed in a leader, although to use the immense brass balls in the construct would require an almost anatomically impossible large empty space to keep them in… like maybe Donald Trump’s head (although the ego would have to be extracted from it to make room).  They could also use Rand Paul’s hair for comic relief.  The only drawback to the plan, as made obvious by the most recent debate performance, is that their candidate would be made entirely from monster parts.

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July 11, 2015 · 1:04 pm

Why You Should Shoot Yourself in the Foot Rather Than Vote for Donald Trump

I confess.   I am subject to the annoying liberal belief that if I check my facts and make properly reasonable arguments, I can save the world from all the political idiots and partisan clowns that are filling the American scene with horse poop.  Of course, I just got back home to Texas from a week-long visit to Iowa, and in both places there are people that I respect and love that feel that everything conservatives and even Tea Party Republicans say on Fox News makes sense.  How deluded can you be?  It almost makes a loony liberal communist anti-Christ like me start using the other word for poop.

political insanity  The problem, I believe, lies in the -ists and the -isms.  For example, racists and racism or anti-Zionists and anti-Zionism (words that I believe Hitler chose to describe how he felt about ants who were from Zion… or something) are -ists and -isms.  The kind of -ists and -isms that makes people from Iowa argue that the Confederate flag represents culture not hatred, even though that particular flag killed a large number of Iowans in the “Hornet’s Nest” at the Battle of Shiloh in 1862 in Missouri.  Iowa was on the Union side.  That war, by the way, was a war of rebellion by the South who wanted to be a separate nation so they could keep buying and selling people like they were pet hamsters and working them like they were mules.  (See what I mean… loony liberals let facts get in the way of all the really cool ideas?)

My children and I had a discussion of -ists and -isms at the Burger King today, because the Princess didn’t want to sit next to her brother, because… well, brothers are stinky and bother you and she would just end up being unfairly in trouble for pouring her medium soft drink over his head.  We talked about how people are prone to let prejudices control their behavior instead of using civil, loving, Christian values.  The Princess was being a seat-ist and subject to seat-ism.  And then we noted that if she hopped from seat to seat, she would be a repeat-ist seat-ist.  And if she took a real disliking to the seat, she might turn into a seat-ist beat-ist.  And if she obsessively tried to clean the seat of big-brother cooties, she was being a neat-ist seat-ist.  And we got a good laugh at the expense of seat-ists everywhere.

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And taking Donald Trump seriously as a presidential candidate this last week is the same stupid thing.  The man opened his mouth during his announcement speech and proceeded to spew horse poop about Mexicans being rapists and drug-dealers and other criminals coming across our borders to take our stuff and rape our women and do all kinds of evil horse poop… because he was reading from a carefully researched speech foot-noted with crime statistics… or possibly because The Donald would never just speak boat-loads of horse poop hatefully off the top of his head.  (Notice I resisted the temptation to use the other word for poop three whole times!  I am a slave to political correctness and need to be called out for it.)

I learned a few things about immigration over the last decade of being an ESL teacher (English for non-English speakers).  If you come from a properly white-skinned country like, say, Finland, you have a relatively easy time immigrating to the U.S.  If you come from a brown or black country, you face a barb-wire-shrouded mine field in the form of a legal immigration process, and once you make it legally to this country, any little slip-up or typo… even those you don’t make yourself… can get you re-classified as illegal and deported.  Parents are deported away from their children.  Children get deported even though they were born in this country and speak only English.  My own Filipino wife is still not a citizen after twenty years of marriage.  And most of those “illegal immigrants” that so disturb The Donald (and Ted Cruz, and Rick Santorum, and Rick Perry. and the rest of the Republican Clown Alley) do important jobs that employers have a hard time filling otherwise.  If they are actually illegal, they pay into the system in the form of income tax and are unable to claim any benefits because they risk discovery and deportation.  Thinking these hard-working, under-loved people are all criminals is horse poop.

But enough with the horse-poop discussion.  I hate when my posts end up full of poop.  Donald Trump is the worst kind of -ist and full of the most terrible kinds of -isms.  If you shoot yourself in the foot, it will heal, at most, in a couple of months.  If you vote for Donald Trump, you may end up having to live in a horse-poop factory for four years.  Do you really like man-made horse poop?  It is a lot more toxic than the organic stuff.  (Dang!  Even loony-liberal political correctness doesn’t keep the danged poop from piling up!)

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