
A Small Murder of Crows
I came to with a splitting headache. The skull was still intact, but the rest of the skeleton was gone. And now the other eye-socket had a hole in it, while most of the inside of the skull was covered in blackened soot that apparently came from the explosive elf-magic that destroyed our bone walker.
“Kack? Are we still alive?”
“You are. I wasn’t technically alive at any point in this mission. But now my magic power is completely exhausted. Used up by keeping you from being burned. “
He was telling the truth. My skin was not covered in the charcoal and ash that everything else was.
“Thank you for saving me, Kack. I know you didn’t have to.”
“I have grown fond of you, Derf.”
“Aw…”
I rolled off the spoiled dandelion blossoms and got to my feet. The skull had landed right side up, and the new eyehole was big enough to easily step through out into the wider world outside.
“Hey! Pick me up and take me with you!” whined Kack.
I reached back in and picked him up by the one unbroken horn he had on his little severed head. “It’s not like you are any good to me with all the magic blown out of you.”
“I am rechargeable, you know. And I saved your life. Don’t you owe me?”
“Yeah. I don’t have anything better to do. The fairy army of Cair Tellos will be here any second to execute me.”
“Oh, surely as sugar they won’t do that. Charm them with your naked sex appeal.”
“I’m a Sylph, but I’m not pretty like most Sylph girls. I’m plain… homely even.”
“I’d keep you around for romancing if I could.”
“You are just a dirty old demon. And not even a live one.”
“Well, of course you would have standards… that figures…”
As we were ragging on each other in our defeated misery, two huge crows landed, looking us over with both eyes on both crow heads.
“What are you looking at?” I said to them.
“Derfentwinkle? Daughter of Bizzbumble the Mediocre?”
“Yes… wait a minute, you can talk?”
“I’m Homer. This is my brother and best friend Bert. I… uh… don’t know how I know this, but I’m your familiar.”
“What? Impossible! Familiars are always magical creatures like dragonets or spirit doves, never full-sized, real animals.”
“I don’t know anything about that. How am I even talking to you?”
“Um, your mouth is not moving when you speak, so, I’m guessing you do it the way all familiars do… by telepathy.”
“Hmm… well, how about that?”
“That’s the silliest thing I eva hoid!”
“Stop with the Groucho imitations, Bert. It’s annoying.”
“Who’s Groucho?” said the other crow, apparently Bert.
“How can I be hearing both of you?” I asked.
“Well, you talk to me in my head, just like Bert does,” said Homer.
“So, this familiar arrangement is a package deal? And you are both way bigger than me?”
“I guess so,” apologized Homer. “I don’t really know how to be a familiar.”
“That’s obvious.”
“Um, Derfie… Dearest?”
“Yes, Homer?”
“An elf and some Sylphs are coming to kill you.”
“Uh-huh. I know. Wrong time to be a first-time familiar, bird-o.”
And then, without further warning… they were there.
































The Real Magic in that Old Home Town
Rowan, Iowa… Not the place I was born, but the place where I got to be a stupid kid, and have the lessons of the good and god-fearing life hammered into my head hard enough to make a dent and make it stay with me for more than half a century. I got to go to grade school there. I learned to read there, especially in Miss Mennenga’s third and fourth grade class. Especially in that old copy of Treasure Island with the N.C, Wyeth illustrations in it, the one Grandma Aldrich kept in the upstairs closet in their farm house. I got to see my first naked girl there. I learned a lot of things about sex from my friends there, and none of them were true. I played 4-H softball there, and made a game-saving catch in center field… in the same game where my cousin Bob hit the game-winning home run. But those were things kids did everywhere. It didn’t make me special. There was no real magic in it.
Being a farm-kid’s kid taught me the importance of doing your chores, every day and on time. If you didn’t do them, animals could get sick, animals could die, crops could be spoiled, the chickens could get angry and petulant and peck your hands when you tried to get the eggs. Cows could get grumpy and kick the milk bucket. Cats could vow revenge if you didn’t direct a spray or two at their little faces as they lined up to watch you milk the cows. And you never knew for sure what a vengeful cat might do to you later, as cats were evil. They might jump on the keyboard during your piano recital. They might knock the turkey stuffing bowl off the top of the dryer when Mom and Grandma and several aunts were cooking Thanksgiving Dinner. And I know old black Midnight did that on purpose because he got to snatch some off the floor before it could be reached by angry aunts with brooms and dustpans. And all of it was your fault if it all led back to not doing your chores, and not doing them exactly right.
But, even though we learned responsibility and work ethic from our chores, that was not the real home-town magic either. I wasn’t technically a real farm kid. Sure, I picked up the eggs in the chicken house at Grandpa and Grandma Aldrich’s farm more than once. And I did, in fact, help with milking machines and even milking cows by hand and squirting cats in the faces at Uncle Donny’s farm. I walked beans, going up and down the rows to pull and chop weeds out of the bean fields at Uncle Larry’s farm. I drove a tractor at Great Uncle Alvin’s farm. But I didn’t have to do any of those things every single day. My mother and my father both grew up on farms. But we lived in town. So, my work ethic was probably worth only a quarter of what the work ethic of any of my friends in school was truly worth. I was a bum kid by comparison. Gary G. and Kevin K, both real farm kids and older than me, explained this to me one day behind the gymnasium with specific examples and fists.
Being a farm kid helped to forge my character. But that was really all about working hard, and nothing really to do with magic.
I truly believe the real magic to be found in Rowan, Iowa, my home town, was the fact that it was boring. It was a sleepy little town, that never had any real event… well, except maybe for a couple of monster blizzards in the 60’s and 70’s, and the Bicentennial parade and tractor pull on Main Street in 1976, and a couple of costume contests in the 1960’s held in the Fire Station where I had really worked hard on the costumes, a scarecrow one year, and an ogre the next, where I almost won a prize. But nothing that changed history or made Rowan the center of everything.
And therein lies the magic. I had to look at everything closely to find the things and strategies that would take me to the great things and places where I wanted to end up. I learned to wish upon a star from Disney movies. I learned about beauty of body and soul from the girls that I grew up with, most of them related. And I invented fantastical stories with the vivid imagination I discovered lurking in my own stupid head. I embarrassed Alicia Stewart by telling everyone that I could prove she was a Martian princess, kidnapped and brought to Earth by space pirates that only I knew how to defeat. And I learned to say funny things and make people laugh… but in ways that didn’t get me sent to the principal’s office in school. Yes, it was the magic of my own imagination. And boring Iowa farm towns made more people with magic in them than just me. John Wayne was one. Johnny Carson was one also. And have you heard of Elijah Wood? Or the painter Grant Wood? Or the actress Cloris Leachman?
Yep. We were such stuff as dreams were made on in small towns in Iowa. And that is real magic.
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