Category Archives: Uncategorized

Christmas Elves and Holiday Fairies

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December 14, 2024 · 1:00 am

Juggling Bunnies

I am beginning to despair about getting back into my regular writing routines. I am plagued with an inability to concentrate, my fingers don’t work right on the keyboard anymore, and I am not getting enough sleep. The ideas are there in my writer’s brain. Two novellas and a novel are already planned out to the end and packed in mental packing peanuts in the novel-storage closet in the fore-brain. I need to get them out and start juggling, the way the girl in the illustration juggles three bunnies.

By the way, the Paffooney was not my idea. It was inspired by #mandyslittlestudiodtiys on Instagram.

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Angry Gasses from the Depths of an Old Coot

Soon we will start the administration of The Pumpkinhead President, the Sequel. My Gawd! Since 2016 we have been going through this. When does it end? Should we have been rooting for the assassins? No. If the Orange Thing that Rules Our Lives had been shot in the head, it would only have made him madder and more Hitler-y. You can’t assassinate someone by shooting them through an organ they don’t have. But I am bone tired of putting up with the Monkeyother Firetrucker (You know which letters to remove.) Everything he does and everything he plans to do hurts me. I invested my life in Education. He plans to eliminate the Department of Education in the Federal Government. My wife is an immigrant from the Philippines. She spent more than twenty years nailing down her US Citizenship. He wants to denaturalize immigrants of color and deport them. For the sake of meanness and petty cruelty. My kids were all born here, but their Birthright Citizenship is going to be removed too. And he is going to slam the economy again in the way that Republicans always do so that I have to choose between buying overpriced medication to stay alive and buying overpriced foodstuffs, allegedly to keep myself alive. And this will be done so he can renew the trillions of dollars in tax cuts he gives to millionaires and billionaires, very few of whom work as hard as I do (even though I am retired.) The gassy turbulence his actions build up in me threatens to explode into firey coot-rants and burn it all down. And I am a man, even as a crazy old coot of a man, who would much rather build things than blow them up. So, let’s find ways to turn down the gasses that the Fartbag Fuhrer generates, and keep me away from open flames while I am still ignitable.

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Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? (a review by the Uncritical Critic)

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I love musicals.  What can I say?  I am a surrealist as an artist, and so I am dedicated to combining the disjointed and bizarre to make something that makes you laugh, or makes you cry, or makes you go, “Huh?  I wonder why?”  So when, in the middle of a sometimes serious but mostly comic story of escaped convicts on the lam in the Great Depression Era South, people suddenly burst into song… I love it!

And this movie is filled with creative stuff and biting social satire about religion, politics, crime and punishment, love and sex, desire and disappointment, and, most of all, the need to escape from it all if only for a moment to share a good, old-fashioned song.

The main character is Ulysses Everett McGill (played by George Clooney), so naturally the sirens overpower him and turn one of his crew into a frog.  This is because this story is based on the Odyssey by Homer.  Only the Trojan War is replaced by a chain gang singing spirituals as they break rocks, the cyclops is a Bible salesman and Ku Klux Klan member with a patch over one eye, and when Ulysses returns to Ithica, he defeats his wife’s suitors with a song.  How can you not love a story as creative as that?

The whole movie is shot in color-corrected sepia tones to give it an old-photograph, old-timey feel.  John Turturro and Tim Blake Nelson are masterful in the role of McGill’s two idiot hayseed friends.

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Again, I remind you, as a completely uncritical critic, I have no intention of trying to tell you what is wrong with this movie.  I loved it.  I will watch it again.  I am writing this review only because I feel moved to tell you how much I loved it and why.  So if you don’t approve of that, well, don’t shoot me.   Put me on a chain gang and give me a chance to sing.

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Collecting Dolls as a Really Old Coot

When you get old, a certain childish idiocy descends because minds are like rubberbands that stretch and stretch for only so long and then snap back into their original size and shape. Or completely break.

Edwin the Earnest is a magic dragon. He’s a cousin to Puff from Honnalee. And he only exists because my seriously old and stretched brain and arthritic hands created him with colored pencils and paper. He is the perfect one to explain about Mickey’s doll-collecting and quirky coot behavior.

“Mickey has rules he follows for doll collecting. And these rules expose his skinflint cootishness. He’s a cheap old bastard. (Sorry, I know magic dragons should not use bad words. But I have had one too many Puffs of Mary Jane’s Magic Leaves with my cousin Puff to guard my forked tongue.)”

“No doll he buys should cost more than twenty dollars. Rescue dolls from Goodwill are better than mint-in-box dolls off the toy store shelf. His collection started in childhood where he played with G.I. Joes as his sisters played with Barbie and Tammy dolls. So, basically, we are talking about twelve-inch action figures and dolls from Hasbro, Mattel, and Marx.”

“In the above picture, you see an Addison Rae doll from the Walmart Clearance shelves ($5.) The blue Barbie (probably a fairy with wings) cost fifty cents at Goodwill naked, and now she wears the swimsuit of a $5 Summer Surfer Barbie. The third doll is Hermoine from the Harry Potter series for $14.”

“Some dolls in the collection are nudists. Ricky, a Barbie child from the 60s, cost Mickey $12 on E-bay. Any wearable clothing from the same period was more than twice what the doll cost… just for pants! Tammy, another old doll bought from the fifty-cent bin at Goodwill, could only fit rare Skipper and Francie togs that were way too costly. So, nudists! They have not worn any clothes for the ten years Mickey has owned them both. Aquaman here is also nude and his clothing is carved right on his skin. He cannot wear clothes made of cloth.”

“Mickey loves the kind of dolls that represent in both size and maturity the kids he once taught. Anakin Skywalker and Stacy, Barbie’s little sister, are close to the seventh graders he mostly taught during his teaching career.”

“And, of course, Mickey is such an old coot that soon he will have to decide to reduce or eliminate his doll collection to go live with his sister in Iowa as he gets older and stupider and cootier while waiting to die. The Mandalorian with Baby Yoda Grogu is one of the last dolls bought by Mickey. Possibly the last one ever. But all good things come to an end. Thankfully, so do bad things. The rubber band has to snap back to small.”

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Pictures for Practice

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A Tongue in Cheek Thanksgiving

If you plan to talk about Trump at Thanksgiving Dinner, Lorita is ordered to hit you with her stick.

“China is already dropping more of its planned importation of corn and beans from America, buying more from Brazil and a lot less from us. Why, you ask? Ouch! I didn’t say his name, Lorita! You didn’t have to hit me that hard!”

“Our family farm may be at risk. We lose income from renting the land to local farmers and we won’t have enough to pay down the loan we took to pay for buying out our brother. The Pumpkinhead has screwed us over with his stupid tariff plans.”

“Excuse me, who is this Pumpkinhead guy?”

“That’s what Uncle Mickey calls the former and future president, Lorita, dear.”

Whack!

“Ouch! I never actually said the name Trump, Lorita!”

Whack! Whack!

“Well, Michael, it was your idea.”

“Yeah… the back of my head is regretting it. I thought we gave that girl a hollow whacking stick.”

“She’s ‘been building arm strength by weaving together Christmas wreaths at Butch’s Christmas tree farm.”

“Oh. Well that’s wonderful that you have a job, Sweetie. But you don’t have to hit me so hard if I accidentally say Trump’s name.”

Whack! Whack! Whack!

“Why did you hit me three times?”

“It’s the third time you said his name.”

“Actually, Sweetie, he only said the name twice.”

Whack! Whack!

“Did I get it right that time?”

“Yes, Sweetie. But you have given me brain damage.”

“Shall I kiss it, Uncle Mickey?”

“Yes, please. That makes it better.”

Smooch!

Okay, I confess it. This is all made up for laughs because the Pumpkinhead has done enough to make me mad. In truth, we did not get to go to the farm in Iowa for Thanksgiving Dinner at my Sister Mary’s place. My daughter is sick and confined to the house with flu here in the Dallas suburbs. My wife is still in the Philippines burying her mother. And Lorita is entirely imaginary. But some day we will look back on the end of the world and have a fond laugh… and maybe a wistful cry.

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Good Times

My wife’s mother passed away on my birthday. My wife is now in the Philippines. Tronald Dump is now going to be Pumpkinhead President again. Maybe when the funeral and affairs are settled, he won’t let her come home again. And my daughter is sick with severe flu and has no health insurance or job. I can’t afford one trip to the emergency room. So, we are walking the tightrope over a pit filled with red-bellied piranhas and the rope has been slathered with axle grease. The director of the scene hollers that the time has come to dance a ballet twirl. “But those are real piranhas!” I screech. “It’s in the contract!” he yells back. So, we twirl… as the wind comes up.

Metaphors can make you laugh… or make you squirm… depending on what happens next.

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The Promise

My time left on this Earth is limited. My art skills are deteriorated. Using AI art programs feels like cheating, because the drawings are mine, but they are worked on by computer programs that overlay someone else’s art skills on my drawings.

But I am determined to draw and paint as much as I can for as long as I can until the Grim Reaper finally beats me in that chess game that determines the final outcome. Bree in this picture won’t be there to watch the chess game. She’s not real. Like most people in my life at present, she’s imaginary, based on a memory and a photo from Instagram. The promise is that I will not give up drawing and making pictures, no matter what compromises I have to make, until Grim pries the art tool out of my cold, dead hand.

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Here’s Ariel to Look At One More Time

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November 21, 2024 · 3:32 am