I promise not to use profanity and other assorted bad words, which will probably affect the accuracy of my synonym picking. But it is has come to my attention that people really just don’t know how to label modern Republicans. Fortunately, I am in a position to offer you warning labels that are at least somewhat useful if you ever have to buy one in a store (assuming, of course, that you have millions to invest and reasonable prospects of using the hard-to-label-accurately products to make even more millions).
Anti-Ironical
Yes, the modern Republican cannot identify irony. Irony is when the opposite of what you were led to expect would happen is what actually takes place. For instance, when a political candidate expresses the will and the plan to “drain the swamp” in the nation’s capitol, and then, when he wins, he hires a racist crocodile as Attorney General, a slimy Wall-Street snake as the Treasury Secretary, and a brainless bayou woodpecker as Secretary of Education, and the average Republican voter applauds the choices as the most expertise and experience for the job. Who better to control criminals and thugs than a former master criminal? And you can’t actually accuse Republicans of having a sense of humor and get away with it. They will punish you for it. They want to endlessly debate every political cartoon you post on Facebook.
Notzactly Generous
If you have to ask the fateful question, “Are Republicans generous to others?” The answer is always a resounding Notzactly! They are willing to give great gobs of wealth to certain select individuals. That would, of course, be the Walmart heirs, the Koch Brothers, Mark Cuban, assorted other billionaires, and, inexplicably, Jay-Z. But when it comes to food stamps in the SNAP program, why, those lazy individuals don’t deserve hand-outs just because they cannot feed their families on the income from two full-time jobs. They should get another job… or two, and pull themselves up by their own bootstraps (a metaphor which apparently breaks the law of gravity, in the total absence of anyone willing to throw a rope from above).
Undoo Obama-ist
Any idea that is tainted by snowflake commie Democratic Obama flavor must be overturned. If the previous administration passed a healthcare reform law borrowed from the Heritage Foundation and Mitt Romney’s successful Massachusetts healthcare plan, then it is the worst disaster ever and must be repealed even if you leave the people with nothing to take its place. If Obama changed the curtains in the Oval Office, they must be changed again for gold ones to please the orange one who took Obama’s place. And if Obama passed a regulation to prevent pouring coal-plant waste directly into rivers, then the regulation must be de-regulated because we obviously need more coal plant waste in our rivers. Anything done by Obama or Democrats during the last administration must now be immediately undone.
Loud-angry Voice-inators
No matter how stupid or destructive an idea is in the modern Republican party, it can be pushed through easily because it is backed by the loudest, angriest voices spewing their gaseous brain products through the media and government platforms. Take for instance a particularly loud and bug-eyed red-faced crank like Congressman Steve King of Iowa. His message gets through to voters. Everybody knows his name. He has achieved this by saying cruel and racist things from his bully pulpit. You probably remember how he claimed that Mexicans that had calves like cantaloupes were carrying hundred pound backpacks full of drugs across our borders. And, of course, this is an important message to Iowans because of Iowa’s long border with Mexico. But the message was loud and public enough to have a Tea Party impact on the national dialogue, where ideas are repeated often enough to be taken as fact, no matter how stupid and destructive they are.
So here are a few words that are synonyms for modern Republicans. And to them, these will probably not be taken as insults, because they agree with the definitions if you explain them well enough.
Catch a Falling Star 
Tumbling the Trumpinator
It has gone beyond the realm of credibility. How can a pumpkin-headed orangutan with a belly full of racial hatred and Islamophobia still be nominally running this country? Has he not committed enough irredeemable sins to be sent to Hell, directly to Hell, do not pass GO and do not collect $200!? I think he stole all the “Get out of jail free” cards before the game ever started.
I have never called this Twitter twit-wit my president. I never voted for him. He did not win the popular vote. He would not have won the electoral college without Republican cheating at voter suppression and Russian influence through email chicanery. But the terrible things he has done so far have not gotten him removed from office. Republicans still treat him as if he were a rational adult. And Fox News is not only putting lipstick on the pig, they are covering him in red, white, and blue frosting and molding him into the shape of an American Eagle. Why do we put up with these tactics?
Perhaps other cartoonists and I are the only ones who see him for what he really is. He’s an ignorant con man put into a position of power by billionaires so they can foist their evil agenda on us and have him rubber-stamp it with faux legitimacy.
The betrayal of the DACA Dreamers was fifteen straws beyond the last straw for me. Who is planning to remove him from office immediately? I want to help. I don’t believe in solving problems with guns, but I can throw a mean banana cream pie of satire and sarcasm. I’m actually Hell at pie-whacking faces. I can attempt to hurt him with rotten tomatoes of jokery and the silly string of mockery too. But even the image of this buffoon in cheap clothing with long red ties is immune to the assaults of mere humor. He never gets the joke, and it is never on him. It is on us instead.
He hurts too many good people by taking away things that they need. He may have damaged the way sick people access health care to the point that many, including me, will die for lack of funds. He de-values human life by pardoning racist criminals like Arpaio and praising malevolent dictators like Putin. He puts human life at risk by taunting another irrational man-baby who also has nukes to play chicken with.
And no effort to remove him from office for crimes which he obviously committed and shows no signs of anything but guilt about will be made by the party now in power.
So what will you do to bring back our country and our supposed sanity? Tell me. I want to hear a plan. I stand ready with foam rubber whack bats to take the best shots I am capable of to help. And I am not the only one. (Truly, I drew none of the cartoons in this post myself. Good cartoonists are legion in this day and age.)
Leave a comment
Filed under angry rant, cartoon review, cartoons, commentary, feeling sorry for myself, humor, irony, pessimism, rants, satire, self pity
Tagged as politics, rebellious opinions, satire, Trump complaints