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The Bicycle-Wheel Genius

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I have started work on the next novel which I will call The Bicycle-Wheel Genius.  It takes two of the important supporting characters from my novel Catch a Falling Star, and weaves them into a story that can only be called a prequel-sequel to the previous book.  It begins when the characters first meet and become friends.  It incorporates some of the events from the alien invasion in Catch a Falling Star, and it concludes the incredible story of a friendship between a really nice mad scientist and the only son of a rural English teacher.

I have included here the first two cantos of this humoresque hodgepodge novel so you can get a sense of how truly awful the whole thing is going to be.  (If you choose to skip this first-draft nonsense, I will completely understand.  Not forgive you, mind you, but understand.)

Canto One – In the dark corners of the house in 1984

The stupid boy was easily followed home.  When he patted the little Pomeranian dog on her fuzzy head, he entered through the back door, unlocking it with his key.  He went in to make his afternoon peanut butter sandwich, stupidly leaving the door unlocked.  The man in black couldn’t have asked for a better outcome.

The strip of bacon the man in black offered to the canine moron was soaked in a fast-acting, taste-free poison.  The barker was silenced.  The man in black quietly slipped into the house.  Standing in the back entryway, he could peer in and see the stupid boy bending over the peanut butter with the knife in hand.  The boy was handsome in a way.  He had his father’s stupid blond hair and myopic eyes.  The glasses on his little face were thick enough to magnify his blue-gray eyes.  He had that same owlish look that the genius father always wore.  But he had his mother’s lovely mouth and the same child-like oval face that always made his mother seem so appealing, so girlishly lovely.

As the man stepped into the kitchen, the boy looked up startled.

“Why are you dressed like that?” he asked.  “You look like some kind of burglar.”

The man in black grinned.  He whipped out the chloroformed cloth and pressed it over the mouth and nose of the boy.  The stupid boy melted into his grasp.  Swiftly bound and gagged, the boy was left tied up in a chair at the kitchen table.  Now, the real work could begin.

The basement door was the first obstacle.  It had a keypad lock.  The man in black dusted the key pad with fingerprint dust.  He could easily see the four keys that the genius always pressed.  He remembered  the pattern of code entry he had seen the genius using a hundred times from afar.  Two in the upper corner, the one and the four, the key in the middle, the five, and the one at the bottom, the eight.

It worked!  With a snap-hiss the electronically sealed door opened.  Down he went into the lab.

The small safe was still open.  Leave it to a genius to be sloppy about replacing paperwork and locking it up again.  He never re-locked the safe upstairs with his wife’s jewels in it.  Why would this safe be any different?  The safe-cracking tools could be left in the old black pocket!

Inside the safe, just where he’d been told it would be, was the manila envelope marked Tesla Project.  He took it out.  It was worth a fortune apparently.  Soon he would have the whole pile of money the ambassador had offered him.  The man in black licked his lips.  He stuck the envelope in his pocket.

Next would come the cover story.  Yes, the experimental prototype sat on the table where the ambassador’s advisor had said it would be.  How did the advisor know so much about the crazy genius?  He had never been at any of the family reunions.  The man in black smiled to himself.  Easy enough to do.  He used his lighter to start some of the papers on the table burning.  He added some more flames to the nearby desk.  Then he turned the prototype on.

Electricity began to shimmer and shine, crawling over the surface of the silver metal ball.  Tiny electrical bursts that looked like lightning arced out over the table and connected with some of the water pipes overhead.  The fire began to blossom faster than the man in black had anticipated.  Time to get out, or be immolated too.

At the top of the stairs he was horrified to see that she was there too.  She was bent over the boy, trying to untie him from the chair.

“Leo!” she said.  “What have you done?”   Her beautiful brown eyes were filled with horror.

It was a real shame.  He hadn’t expected her to get there so quickly.  He had intended for the boy to be the only one caught in the “accident”.  Ah, well.   He wasn’t actually Leo anyway.  Leo was dead.  He only looked like Leo and had taken Leo’s place in the family for a time.  He hit her with a violent blow to the temple and she crumpled.

The flames were roaring up into the kitchen from the lab.  The place would go up quickly.  In his haste to leave the conflagration, he failed to notice how her hand, as she crumpled, had managed to clutch at his pocket on the way to the floor.  He hadn’t noticed how the envelope had been dislodged by her fingers and also knocked to the floor.  As he strode swiftly out of the house, he did not realize that his prize had remained behind to burn with his innocent victims.  The perfect crime.  He would never be suspected.  But he would never be rewarded either.  He was congratulating himself as he slipped away from the blazing inferno, his handiwork.  And everything that mattered to the genius was on fire.  A whole world was passing away.

Canto Two… Norwall, Iowa, population 278, 1988

Norwall, like many small towns in Iowa, had not changed more than a particle or two a year from about 1919 to around 1982.  It had a main street.  The houses were done mostly in the Victorian style, with its various porches and bay windows and corner tower-like structures.  It was a sleepy-quiet   little farm town where practically nothing ever happened.  It was mostly set up for farm business.  There was a grain elevator at the west end of Main Street, and a lumber yard at the southern end of Whitten Avenue.  It was not unusual  to see tractors parked in town along with the family cars and farmers’ pickup trucks.

Tim Kellogg had been born in the Belle City Hospital in 1978, and had lived in the town of Norwall all his life.  He would’ve been bored to tears early on if it had not been for the Norwall Pirates.  They were the local 4-H softball team, but they were also the greatest secret club and eternal fraternity of liars that was ever put together on a boring Saturday afternoon in Iowa.  They had an interesting oral history.  It was rumored and asserted by former club members that once they had chased a werewolf and defeated him even though he had killed an old church lady and a local minister.  They also supposedly fought and defeated an undead Chinese wizard once, though details about that one were far more likely to change from tale-teller to tale-teller.

Not only was Tim a member of the club, but he was second in line to be grand and glorious leader.  His older cousin Valerie Clarke was the current leader, but she was in high school now and so beautiful that she couldn’t help but always be busy with boys.  Soon the club would be handed over to him, and no more girls would be members, possibly for eternity.  This was an idea of no small attraction to Norwall boys who were less than enthusiastic about having a girl for a leader.  You really couldn’t walk around the clubhouse naked or fart as much as you wanted to if your leader was a girl.

And Tim was very definitely looking forward to getting to know the mysterious new neighbor on Pesch Street.    In the very house next door a man with thick glasses and eyes like an owl kept bringing in the most fascinating stuff.  Computers, the big mainframe sorts of computers, fish tanks, hoses, machines both sleek and junky whose purposes were totally mysterious.  And there were so many bicycle wheels!  Bicycle wheels, gears, flywheels, chains, and driver cords.  What did this man intend to  do with all the wonderful  junk?  It was fuel for the wildest of speculations from the Norwall Pirates.

Tim rode up to the grocery store on Main Street and sat there on his bike in the middle of the sidewalk waiting.  His best friend and fellow Pirate, Tommy Bircher, rode up also and grinned a silent greeting.  Tommy was only a month younger than Tim, but was also different in that he had not lived his whole life in the little Iowa town.  Although his grandparents, uncles, and various other relatives were rooted here, Tommy’s father and mother both traveled to distant places in pursuit of their business interests.  Albert Bircher was an executive officer in a large Chicago-based business.  Tommy and his family had moved back to Norwall only temporarily two years ago.  Tommy had spent three years of his ten living in France.

“So, Tim, you got it all figured out yet?”  Tommy grinned puckishly.

“Oh, you know… yes.  The gossips in this town know everything about everybody, and all the gossips talk in the Post Office.  We just hafta go there and listen.”

“That could take some time.”

“Yeah, but it will be worth it.  We gotta find out somehow.”

“Okay, you’re the boss.”

Together, the two infamous Pirates stealthily walked over to the Norwall Post Office between what had once been the grocery store and what was now and always had been the fire station.  They parked their bicycles in the fire station bike rack.  They went in nonchalantly, trying to be nonchalant like they really belonged there, and hoping they really knew what nonchalant meant.

“Hello, boys,” said George “the Salesman” Murdoch, Post Master and gossip aficionado of the highest order.

“Uh, hello,” said Tim, trying to cover for both of them.  He quickly looked at the wanted posters and missing children flyers on the medium-sized bulletin board near the East end of the counter.

Marjorie Dettbarn and Wilma Bates, two of Norwall’s middle-aged church ladies were there trading juicy stories and other tidbits with “the Salesman”.

“You know, George,” Wilma was saying, “the police really should be looking more carefully at the backgrounds of people like that.”

“Why do you say that, Mrs. Bates?” asked the Post Master with a sly grin.

“You know his wife is dead.  They say it isn’t out of the question that he might’ve murdered her.”

“You’re so right, Wilma,” said Mrs. Dettbarn.  “He’s such a suspicious-looking character.  He never seems to hear you when you say hello.”

“Yes, “said Bates, “always has his nose in some book or other.”

“Do you ladies say hello to him a lot?” asked Murdoch the Post Master.

“Oh my, no,” said Mrs. Dettbarn.  “I said it once.  That’s all the chance a spooky young man like that really needs, don’t you know.”

“Yes, yes,” said Bates, “I never spoke to him at all.  You can’t be too careful around a person like that!”

“Oh, you are right there,” said the Post Master.  “He gets a check from the government twice a month, and numerous ones from different corporations.  I think he may be quite wealthy in many ways.  Who knows how a person like that earns so much money.  Probably something suspicious, I say.”

Tommy and Tim were both wide eyed as Tim nudged Tommy towards the door.

As soon as they were outside, Tim nearly exploded.  “A murderer!  And lots of money coming in all the time!”

“Yeah, he could be a professional killer who works for the government!” gushed Tommy.  “Oh, but who were they talking about?”

“You poophead!  They were discussing my new neighbor, Orbit Wallace!”

“Orbit Wallace?”

“Well, something like that!  The new guy that moved in next door.”

“Hey,” said Tommy, “maybe we should go stare at his house for a while!”

“Yeah!  Great idea!” said Tim.

So the two Pirates were now on a mission to catch the hired killer red handed.  Tim had visions of apprehending him literally red handed, with blood dripping from his fingertips.  Red handed in the worst possible way.

*****

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The Making of Paffoonies

ImageAs creative projects go, I think the best ones I am currently undertaking are the Paffoonies. These, of course, are the colored-pencil and ink cartoon-o-matic creations that come out of my fevered little-boy mind as it has been stretched and contorted to fit into my old-man brain.  

There are rules to this stupid creation game.  First of all, a Paffooney must tell a story and have a piece of writing to go with it.  Naturally, though, the picture must come first.  The tortured elements of the Sci-fi or Fantasy that comes out of it result from the need to explain every oddity, punkitation, and warped perception that went into the picture.  I draw pictures from dreams.  I also draw from the monkey-shine metaphors that well up in my overly-wordy conscious mind.  I do not take drugs to accomplish this.  I do not drink alcohol.  I am on numerous medications for numerous medical conditions… but I like to think there is no pharmacological element to my creativity.  I am just your basic goofy old man with an exploding right brain.

You remember the writing that went with the first Paffooney in this post, don’t you?  If not, you can still see the post here on WordPress where I wrote a poem that convicts  the average school teacher of being a serious clown and puppet master.  Some Paffoonies are poetic in nature.  Others require a piece of fiction, like the one I wrote about Mai Ling’s encounter with the plant people of the planet Cornucopia.  Here is a another version of it…..Image

So, a Paffooney is a creative project, a game, an exercise if you will, that will hopefully make me a better story-teller, writer, and cartoonist.   I hope to post a lot of them on the web.  So-called social media marketing experts tell me this kind of thing will get you, dear reader and viewer, to buy my book Catch a Falling Star, a sort of extended Paffooney of its own.   The theory is, if you like the stuff I give away for free in these posts, you will want to actually pay money to see more of what I can do.  I really think that is a big black Hoo-Ha, though, as I have not seen any evidence that social media marketing experts know anything more about marketing than I do.  Are they really worth that expensive salt I put on their tails to trap them into to telling me their secrets and lies?

Ah, well…  here is one last Paffooney that does not yet have a story to go along with it.  At least, I am not aware of a story yet.  Hmm, I think something is coming to me even as I post this picture.

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First Novels and Hard Lessons Learned

My first published book was a Science Fiction novel called Aeroquest.  It was a story that came about because as a young teacher I liked to play pencil and paper role-playing games with kids.  It started with Dungeons and Dragons in 1981, but because I was in South Texas at the time, Baptist and fundamentalist Texas, I had to change away from any game associated with dragons and demons.  I turned instead to the RPG called Traveller, a space game inspired by Star Wars and other Sci-Fi of the time.  Most of the characters in the book, especially the Mutant Ninja Space Babies, were actually the kids I played the games with.  They are characters that were created by them and given life by me.

51ABNW+RWlL._SL500_AA300_ Aeroq1 Aeroq2 Aeroq3 Aeroq4 Aeroq5 Aeroq6 Aeroq7

So, I sent this book to a new publishing company in 2007 called Publish America.  They seemed excited to publish my work.  They paid me an advance of one dollar.  They whipped me through a publishing process whereby I had to do all my own editing, proofreading, and supervising.  They provided no aid with anything.  They only tried to sell the book (for a grossly inflated price) to my friends and relatives.  Through this whole process, I made a total of twelve dollars.  Well, that didn’t seem like such a bad deal, except for the way mistakes were created in my story that were not there before.  They copyrighted my work and told me that they owned the rights for the next seven years.  I was originally supposed to include illustrations like I posted here, but decided to hang on to those when it became clear that I might lose ownership of them.  So, all in all, I got two free copies of the book, a chance to annoy all my friends and relatives, and twelve dollars cash.  That in exchange for two years’ work.

Aeroquest is the story of the Aero brothers, Ged and Ham.  They start out as hunters, travelling space in a safari ship that belongs to Ham Aero.  The third member of their crew is the super-goofy engineer, pirate, and fool named Trav Dalgoda.  They elude pirates, conquer a couple of planets, make enemies of the entire Imperium, and Ged becomes the teacher of a ninja school on one of the planets they conquer, the planet Gaijin.  I like this story.  It’s full of ridiculous and off-the-wall humor, adventure, and some of the weirdest characters I could possibly put together.  But, truth be told, it is not very good.  I did a much better job on my second novel.

It was a learning experience.  I learned that you do need to work with an editor to help you craft and polish the work.  You do need to work with publicists and social media experts to promote the book and sell it.  None of what I really needed to be an author rather than just a writer came through the PA experience.  I didn’t get soaked for a lot of bucks, but they cheated me never-the-less.  In another year I can have the novel rights back and I can try again with that story and related tales.  I got cheated, but I learned valuable lessons that I hope will serve me well as I continue to destroy my own life with the desire to be a story-teller.

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To be Real or Not to be Real? Science Fiction Vs. Reality

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Is the line between science fiction a bit blurry?

I think reality is the one thing that is most critical to science fiction.  If you don’t have something real in the story, then you are missing the science part.  But the key to that particular treasure chest is in how you mix the reality, also known to some as the truth, with the story, also known to some as the pack of lies.  So let me tell you a lie–er–a story about how I tried to build some reality into my little work of science fiction.

1990 was not the year I had the inspiration for the story.  That actually came much earlier, in my misspent youth back In the 1970’s.  Now, I won’t try to tell you that I had any close encounters of the third kind back then other than in a movie theater, because after all, some lies are too big and hairy for even me to believe.  The movie theater had a huge influence on my imagination, as did the Saturday matinees on the television, but the only true parts of that whole mess is how people think and feel in reaction to certain situations.

I could claim a kinship with Davalon and the fact that he was accidentally left behind on Earth because I was accidentally separated from my family at the Mason City Air Show.  I know the Mason City Airport isn’t a very big one to get lost in, but there were lots of people there, and I was a dumb kid at the time.   I could draw on that wonderful mix of panic, fear, and exhilaration at being completely on my own to help me plot out how a lost alien child would think and act in a small Iowa town.  Naturally he would immediately get himself run over on the highway.  That’s how it works, isn’t it?  Oh, wait, I didn’t actually get run over at the Mason City Airport.  That’s one of the big white lies I am trying to separate from truth here.

1990 is significant enough to use as the first word in a paragraph twice because that was the year of both Voyager 2 flying out into the outer darkness after having encountered and photographed  the huge gas planets Uranus and Neptune, and the year that a real invasion occurred when Iraq decided to invade Kuwait.  Both of those events get an obscure reference in my story because real events, even events that most people try to ignore, can make a pack of lies, er, story seem real.

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Everyone has a Ms. Rubelmacher–inspirational by default

1990 is also the year I sat down at my electric typewriter and began pecking away at my first draft of the story itself.  1990 is also the year that happened 101 years after the events in 1889, when Theofrastus Wallace and Thornapple Seabreez flew a passenger train with Pullman coaches all the way to Mars.  Of course, that last bit is totally irrelevant because it didn’t actually happen.  It is just another pack of lies–er—story that I chose to tell as a screwy plot device to mix up the lies further and make the whole project murky at best.

So… Oops, wasn’t this paragraph supposed to start with 1990 also?  I guess not, because it’s all about how you have to use some real science to get your sticky little hands on a label of science fiction for your story.  Here you have to make use of all those glorious little facts and details you learned in science class when you were supposed to be paying better attention to what Ms. Rubelmacher was teaching.  Here I could place the notion that amphibians absorbed moisture and nutrients through their skin into my story about amphibianoid aliens.  I could also use the notion that fusion engines could be fueled by the water droplets in steam, and the imaginary anti-gravity engines were able to make a train fly.  I could use my knowledge of Martian Geography to help set part of the story on Mars, again thanks to the fact that Ms. Rubelmacher’s teaching was so boring, er, exciting that I actually had to read ahead in the textbook rather than listen.

So here we have a restatement of my thesis and a summation about all the idiocy, er, wisdom that I have to impart about how you mix what is real with what is a bald-faced lie, er, fictional story.  It boils down to this… Any good liar, er, con man, er, story-teller… yes, I mean story-teller, mixes just enough factual and verifiable stuff into the mix to make the lie, er, story believable.

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The Reasons I Put it in my Pocket

I wrote Catch a Falling Star. Believe it or not, my comedy science fiction novel is about real people.  Oh, I changed a few things to make them harder to recognize.  I changed their names, and who they are related to, and what religion they really were, and I even made some of them green.  But honestly, they are either characters I grew up with back in my little home town in Iowa, or people I have known in my career as a public school teacher.  A few of the brighter ones are combinations of both.

I first created the story idea, back in about 1977, around a pair of frumpy farmer types who desperately wanted a child of their own and couldn’t have one.  They are natural-born parents from medium-large Iowa families, and in real life they do have kids of their own.  I just imagined what they would be like if they never had a child of their own.  And then, I gave them one, but not a normal one.  It had to be an alien born in orbit around Barnard’s Star and accidentally left on Earth during a blurped-up attempt by the aliens to conquer the Earth.  They were incompetent aliens who had been adversely affected by watching too much Earther television.

I have always been a story-teller.  Anybody from the town of Rowan, Iowa who remembers me will attest to that fact, probably with certain air-curdling metaphors of the obscene variety attached to the recollection.  I renamed the town Norwall so nobody would recognize it (all the same letters, but all stirred up, and with two L’s added for Love and Laughter).   Rowan… I mean, Norwall is a small town of about 250 people counting the squirrels (and you have to count the squirrels because they are some of the funniest people in town).  It’s a small rural farm town with lots of green growing things, corn, cornball people, and plenty of pretty powerful pig poo.  It’s the kind of place that’s so sleepy and quiet that you either have to develop a powerful imagination or go mildly insane.

So, those are the terrifying and traumatizing reasons why I just had to inflict my novel upon the world.  I hope people will find it funny and laugh a little, rather than dropping the book at their feet and then running away screaming.

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