Tag Archives: photo Paffooney

Roses at Christmas Time

When bad things happen, we can usually make something good out of them.  I have always believed this.  It is Midwestern pragmatism in action.  Hail destroyed the crops?  Martial your resources for the next growing season, or change from a farmer to something else more profitable.  There is always a way forward, even if you have to learn to be tougher and tighten the belt, or next year’s food supply depends on the farmer in the next county.  Global warming is threatening to cook us in our own juices?  Well, this year our confused roses in the yard are blooming like it was Springtime.  The part of the wheel at the bottom, crushed against the pavement, rises to the top again as we move forward on the bicycle of human life.

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All of these roses have bloomed during the Christmas holiday this year when temperatures sank no lower than the 50’s and got as high as 77 degrees.  It recalls a recent year when dorky daffodils poked their yellow heads out of the ground in January only to be murdered by snowstorm a week later.  Will these roses be subjected to the same fate?  Robert Herrick says, “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may…”  We will pragmatically enjoy them while they are here, no matter what happens.  I have been writing a science fiction novel about environmental and political Armageddon.  It is set on another planet, but that planet stands in for Earth in my book.  But the point is that the universe goes on even if we are dumb enough to destroy ourselves by pillaging the natural world.  Yet, I don’t believe that will happen.  I see movement towards renewable energy, and political change for the better is in the wind.  In the end, I think humanity will dig down deep for that magical force we all possess.  We will be able to change for the better when we are forced to.  I don’t expect to live to see it.  I don’t figure I have another whole decade left to live, and the course we are on won’t be decided before 2050… probably.  But, all speculation aside, I am here now to enjoy roses blooming at Christmastime… and to share that rare feeling with you.

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Plans in Gingerbread

After yesterday’s Grinchy post about politics, I needed to follow up with something more Christmassy and generous (though technically, as a Jehovah’s Witness not yet disfellowshipped for being an atheist, I am not supposed to celebrate Christmas).  Now that I have alienated all my conservative friends and family, as well as my religious friends, I will create an art project that expresses the good feeling life gives me even as I approach its end.

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I bought a Gingerbread House Kit along with some chocolate frosting and sugar decorations.  I intend to build it and decorate it in my own fashion, being creative and detailed.  I have kids that have already promised to eat it.  But first it will be a subject for photo Paffoonies that I will make with flair and the greatest of care and everything else that I might dare.

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Mickey is Magical

I have decided that since I have a tendency to write science fiction and fantasy, with a special emphasis on the fantasy part, I should actually be able to do magic.  It doesn’t take a lot of self-examination to see that it is so.

Teacher Magic

wonderful teaching

As a teacher I know several powerful magic spells.  I have the power to put teenagers into a deep and restful sleep.  All I have to do is start a lesson focus and heads drop to desks and snore-music fills the part of the room that my blah-blah doesn’t.  I also have a powerful ability to make teenagers hate things.  All I have to do is testify with my best honest-to-goodness face that something is good for them, and they will thoroughly hate it.  Protein at breakfast is good for you?  Gotta hate that.  Independent reading of books is good for you?  I have just made the entire school library radioactive by saying it.  Think what good a teacher could do if the principal would only let them say, “Illegal drugs are good for you!” or, “You should join a street gang, it would be good for you!” or even, “Racial prejudice is a good thing for our white society!”  (I know I would never actually feel good about saying those things, and I could never make the proper honest-to-goodness face, but that last thing was actually tried by a teacher I once worked with… he said it because he believed it… and even the white kids were instantly up in arms and got that teacher fired.  Come to think of it, that was the only lesson he ever taught that I actually approved of.)  An even more powerful teacher magic is to forbid things.  Anything forbidden by a teacher or a teacher’s rules is the only thing they want to do.  I was able to get kids to read more by forbidding them to read library books during lessons.  I found it strengthened the urge to occasionally catch them doing it and lecture them about how they will end up unable to flip burgers at McDonald’s because they will let interesting and complicated stuff get in the way of mindlessly doing repetitive tasks.

cudgels car

Traffic Magic

I have an amazing magical power over stoplights.  I can unfailingly turn them bright red just by approaching them, no matter what color they were five and a half seconds before.  If I am in a hurry, I have the power to make that red light last for more than the three minutes that is supposed to be the maximum for the cycle.

I can also make old people (of course I mean other old people) drive slower in the fast lane by driving behind them.  I can make young guys in Bubba trucks zoom in front of me and nearly kill me simply by having a few inches of space between my front bumper and the rear end of the car I’m following.  I don’t know how they fit those big old Chevys and Ford Broncos and Dodge Rams in those little spaces which are less than half as long as their vehicles, and do it while using one hand to give me the finger out their window.  I suppose they have fold-able bones like a rat so they can squeeze through tight places.

Laughing Magic

20150105_161714 I suppose the magical power I am proudest of is my ability to magically make people laugh at me.  (Yes, they always say they are laughing with me, not at me… but we all know how humor really works.  We laugh because we are really happy that it didn’t happen to us!)  I am able to put on the clown nose and people automatically laugh almost as hard as they laugh at me without the clown nose.  I am able to say things in weird words that stimulate your brain to shout silently in your head, “That jest ain’t right!”, and you automatically think, “Funny!”  So, with all this magical power, I have concluded… I am a wizard!

space cowboy23

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Christmas Concert Heckfire

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I have been connected to the religion of Jehovah’s Witnesses since they baptized me in 1998.  That means I bought in, at least temporarily, into the whole notion of knocking on doors to hand out magazines touting the “Truth of God’s Word the Bible”.  I accepted that they don’t believe in celebrating birthdays… or worldly holidays… especially Christmas because it is celebrated as Jesus’ birthday.  But, here’s the thing that will eventually get me disfellowshipped;  I don’t believe that failing to accept whole the beliefs and practices of the religion deprives you of everlasting life on a paradise Earth.  A loving God does not condemn someone to oblivion simply because they say the wrong thing or think the wrong thoughts.  A murderer can be saved by repenting and accepting the “Truth”, but anyone who looks at the scientific evidence and concludes that the “Theory of Evolution” is probably correct with about 95% certainty is doomed?  That’s really no better than the Baptists who condemn you to eternal suffering in Hell for the same thing.  I have more to say about this religion thing for another day.  But never-the-less, I was the only one able to take the Princess to perform in her band’s Christmas concert because the rest of the family still believes, and the Princess’ band were planning to commit the horrible sin of playing Christmas music.

God, in his wisdom, of course, decided to punish me for my error.

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Borrowed from Dave’s Facebook page; https://www.facebook.com/davewittybanter/?fref=ts

My daughter, the Princess, plays the Tooty Leather Pole… er, the clarinet in the Long Middle School band.  She has caught the band bug from her eldest brother who pulled me kicking and screaming into the world of being a band parent five years ago.  She has the rule down where, “You must be early to band events!  Being on time is the same as being late!”  So we were at the auditorium at 6:30, fifteen minutes before the stated deadline.  I delivered her to the Newman Smith Band Hall and found a seat in the auditorium to watch the result.  I put my phone on vibrate.

Fifteen minutes later, I feel the phone vibrate in my pocket.  A new text message from the Princess.  “Sorry, tell you later,” was all it said.

Ten minutes after that, a frantic phone call.

“Dad, I think I left my band notebook in the car.  It has my music in it for the concert.  Can you get it for me and bring it to the band hall door?”

“Sure, Princess.”

I stumped my way with my trusty cane and two arthritic legs down the auditorium stairs, down the exit stairs, and finally out across the parking lot to where I parked.  I rifled through the back seat of the car, the front passenger seat, under the seat… and I had to text her.

“It isn’t in the car.”

“Oh, no!”

“Do I have to go home and get it?”

“Yes, please.”

So, I hop in the car and tear out for home and the missing notebook.  Of course, I have sinned against God and must bear with eternal heckfire.  Every one of the six traffic lights turned red just as I got to them.  And every one of them, it seemed, had a Texas Bubba in a red Chevy pickup truck gunning his engine, ready to kill me for trying to cross on a red light.

I found the notebook on her bed in her room, right where she had been practicing and totally forgot it.  I snatched it up and raced (as fast as you can race on arthritic legs) back to the car and back to the auditorium.  Sitting at the next red light listening to Bubbas rev their engines, I get another text.  “Can you get it to the band hall door by 7:00, please?”  That text arrives on my phone while I am still two red lights away at 6:59.

Wheezing and panting I arrive at the auditorium at 7:09.  The eighth graders are headed into the auditorium.  I quickly stump back up the stairs into the auditorium just in time to walk up to the stage and hand it to her as she is taking her seat on stage.  Silently she mouths a thank you.  I drag myself up the stairs to row 15, the first available seat, and throw myself down into it, having obviously sacrificed my life for the benefit of my daughter’s passion for music.  Veteran band parents all around are snickering at me.  Especially the McCauly-Martinez clan, proud band parents of at least 47 past and present school band members.  I know I deserve it, but Holy Heckfire is apparently a real thing.  No sin goes unpunished.  No good deed either.

Still, the music was worth it.  I could barely hear over the noise of my lousy lungs working like bellows at the forge to give me enough air to live.  But the rendition of Slay Ride was enthralling.  Excuse me, I mean Sleigh Ride.  Viking Christmas songs are another post idea entirely.   It is possible that condemning myself to eternal destruction by choosing to support a Christmas concert is worth it after all.

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Late Autumn Rains

20151128_092151It is raining again in Texas, and cold enough to make the leaves turn red and yellow and orange.  The cracked and useless swimming pool is filled with rain water.  The sky is gray. El Niño  is here for a visit.  And he is not a well-behaved little boy.

I am confined indoors again by arthritis pain and breathing difficulties.   But I don’t mind.  I can travel by the wings of my imagination.  Things in my world are soaring once again amongst the clouds… and dancing like kites in the wind.

I have not taken any depression medication in six months, and I seem to be happier for it.  We have hot chocolate to drink and… mmm… pumpkin pie.  The cool winds are a reminder of what is was like as a boy in Iowa in the 60’s and 70’s.  Thanksgiving now past… Christmas coming…  I haven’t celebrated those holidays in 20 years, my wife being a Jehovah’s Witness, and I myself still identified with the congregation… even though my faith is somewhat stumbled… not in God himself, but in how men make pronouncements about what to think and what to say and who to be… in the name of magical rewards that the universe is not capable of delivering.  No higher power will step in to rescue us from our fears and misfortune.  That is not what God is there for.  He does not ask for slavish devotion, or rituals, or the sacrifice of your firstborn son.  That is superstition.  He only offers the chance to live, and laugh, and… love.  It is the only reward I need.  I do not fear the coming winter.  The weather may erode my mountain fortress and the rains may eventually make the rivers of life to drown me, but I have lived, and loved, and laughed.  And not even God can take that away.

I am sorry if this sounds somber and depressed to you.  I hear a different music than that.  I hear a resounding joy.  And even if I die right this minute, I am happy, for all is complete.  “Whether or not it is clear to you… the universe is unfolding as it should.” (The Desiderata by Max Ehrmann)

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Imaginary Worlds

I generally fall into the science fiction & fantasy category as a writer.  I like to connect my stories to the home town I grew up in.  It is a place called Rowan, a tiny farm town in North Central Iowa.  In my fiction I call it Norwall, an anagram for Rowan with two “L’s” added, one for “Love” and one for “Laughter”.  But the stories I tell about the town, or in some way connect to the town, are all about alien invasions, lycanthropy which is the disease that causes werewolves, fairies in the Kingdom of Tellosia which is located in the farms and fields north of town, and Iowegians who were real when I knew them in real life, but have been transformed by my imagination.  So, I have to believe that Norwall, like Narnia, Pellucidar, and Middle Earth, is an imaginary world.

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Imaginary worlds have a definite and important function.  In his new book, The Book of Legendary Lands, Umberto Eco puts forth the theory that imaginary worlds are basically a utopian sort of dream… the perfect place to live out the life you imagine you should be living.  (Here is a link.)  This rings fundamentally true with me.  I spent the Summer of 1976 in Middle Earth, eluding the Nazgul and helping Frodo and Sam sneak the one ring into Mordor.  Heroic tales set in an imaginary world help you to transform from the psychotically depressed youth you were with a secret so terrible (being the victim of a childhood sexual assault) that it was destroying you from the inside out, into the selfless and altruistic adult you needed to be to cope with life in a dark and frightful world.  We never truly live in the real world around us.  We live in the imaginary construct of that world that our mind creates and interprets.  I lived in other imaginary lands as well as a youth.  I visited other towns like Norwall in Winesburg, Ohio and Green Town, Illinois, k2-_dfd3bb21-60ea-4ef8-a215-7dade68464bb.v2

set in Green Town, Illinois

set in Green Town, Illinois

I roamed the stars with Ben Bova, Ursala LeGuin, and Andre Norton.  I lived on Mars with Ray Bradbury.  I found in those places the golden ideals that would become my treasure trove after a life of vicarious adventuring.  It would give my own story-telling the background and the sort of grounding in reality that only excellent examples could provide.

So here, now, is the most important thing I have to say about imaginary worlds; We live in them constantly, and probably could not live without them.  I offer this invitation now as this world grows darker two days after the Paris attacks…”Come live in my imaginary world for a time, and open up the gateways to yours so that I may also visit them.”

pellucidar.org

pellucidar.org

Middle-earth_map

erbzine.com

erbzine.com

comicvine.com

comicvine.com

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All Around the Mulberry Bush…

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As you can see in today’s photo Paffooney, I bought another new action figure (The Vision from the Avengers).  He is cheaply made and over-priced at $8.  And what is worse, he immediately sided with a small group of paranoid PVC action figures who are suspicious of other dolls and action figures just because their elbows and knees don’t bend.  Here they are threatening poor Fawn the Fairy from the Tinkerbell collection because I let Fawn go anywhere in the house she wants to go (as long as she stays away from the dog and the dog’s teeth).  PVC (polyvinyl chloride) figures are fairly stiff and set in their ways.  They don’t changes their hard-plastic minds about anything… ever.  So, I can’t convince them to play nice.

Besides the arguments I am having at present with these plastic people and the voices in my head, I am having several other struggles to overcome.  The dog has to get her vaccinations in order to continue to legally live in our city.  So, since I have limited funds, I have to take away from the medicine expenditures for my own health care so the dog doesn’t have to be illegal.  Of course, I quit taking most of my meds a while back.  The expense will fit in my budget.  But I actually feel better without the depression medicine and the blood-pressure medicine anyway, and definitely the cholesterol medicine was making my muscles hurt in addition to the joint pain of arthritis.  So we will keep the dog healthy, since my own health is a lost cause anyway.  But I wonder if the way I am approaching my medication dilemma makes me the monkey or the weasel.  Am I the weasel being chased by a monkey who represents problems, or the monkey chasing the problems around the mulberry bush?  It is an important distinction, because the song does not say, “Pop! Goes the monkey!”

NaNoWriMo is another goal that seems to veer off course.  I have not yet written anything new on the novel this month.  I am still stuck in the editing phase.  Of course, I edited more than 10,000 words yesterday.  That counts for something, doesn’t it?  One of my children is home with an infected throat.  The weather is rainy off and on and makes me hurt.  I would have to say there are a plethora of excuses ready to be used for not writing.  But I will try not to use them.  After all, do you know what a “Plethora” of something is, Jefe?  (Bonus points if you know what movie that reference comes from.  Steve Martin and Chevy Chase are in it.)

I know this particular post is rambling and vague… purposeless and pointless to be alliteratively specific… but I am nearing the end of my goal to post an average of 500 words every single day of 2015.  Six and a half weeks to go and I haven’t missed a day yet.  I have written 721 posts on this blog, and been viewed over 14,000 times by over 6,500 folks.  I think it is safe to say the writing habit is pretty much fixed in place, but I still have mountains to climb (metaphorically speaking) and goals to reach.  I am getting tired of all the chasing around mulberry bushes.  If that dang weasel doesn’t pop soon, then it will be, “Pop! Goes the Mickey!”  But at least it makes something to write about.

I wonder if Clown Cops are any good at chasing weasels.  I plan to make a few more of them in upcoming posts.

I wonder if Clown Cops are any good at chasing weasels? I plan to make a few more of them in upcoming posts.

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Up and Down and All Around

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The day I am having today is not one of my best.  Ill health, bad traffic, doctor visits, headaches, unexpected expenses, all make a real Monster Mash our of the daily dance of life.  But I am happy with recent posts, even though my wife gave me a major eye-roll and huffing sound for posting about girls who fell in love with me.  Still, I can’t  figure out why my blog traffic is so up and down during times when I feel like my writing is really good.  Some of my best posts seem to get the fewest readers, and some of my most embarrassing messes are insanely popular.  Ah, life!  You are such a Scooby-Doo and the Haunted Roller-Coaster Mystery.  But I can write a short post and get away with it today because I have been writing thousand word posts and my 500-word average is in no danger.  So, I offer this silly Paffooney picture for you to look at and wonder about.  A picture is worth a thousand words, right?  And why is Frankenberry looking at Pinky Pie with an expression like that?

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Page-Filler Friday

I have had a monumentally horrible week.  And one of the hardest things about it, is that I cannot tell you about most of it and make fun of it for the sake of healing by humor because, after all, real mental health issues are a very private thing.  So, I am left with a mish-mash of free-associations and brainstorming to fill up a page with random and unthinkable thoughts.  (When I brainstorm, sometimes it is more like a brain-hurricane.)

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Under the general heading of; Things a relatively sane older man who is battling hoarding disorder should probably not do is the new collection I started of Sparkling Disney Princesses.  As you can see above, I unfortunately acquired some of the more recent Disney Princesses in sparkle form within the rules for collecting (not costing more than $20 and not spending more than $50 in any one month).  I even added a rule to slow down the collecting mania.  (No buying sparkle princesses of characters I already have in my Disney Princess collection.)  Tiana, Merida, and Elsa add up to only $30 over the last three months.

This is actually Cowboy Mickey in the middle of the bedroom he shares with about 500 dolls and action figures, 1000 books, and the fairy in the foreground who is real.

This is actually Cowboy Mickey in the middle of the bedroom he shares with about 500 dolls and action figures, 1000 books, and the fairy in the foreground who is real.

The thing about the relentless doll collecting is more the space it fills than the money it burns.  A few years back I completed a five year stint of buying, selling, and trading action figures in which I learned how to make the obsessive-compulsive-disorder part of it turn out to be profitable.  I ran a used-toy and collectible E-Bay store that helped me pay for my mental health issue.  Of course, I did not get ahead, as all the profits are tied up in the dolls, action figures, and stuffed toys that I have kept.  Still, I learned how to do the thing effectively enough to believe I can effectively do that again if I need to, in spite of the fact that E-Bay got wise and raised their fees to make a $5 and $10 business far less profitable.

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I should note that I gave up toy-selling on E-Bay after an irate Barbie collector teed off on me in the comments section over a misidentified 80’s Barbie.  (Heck, how was I to know that the date on her neck was a copyright date only and not an indicator that she was sold in the 1970’s?)  Lady Godiva Barbie on the wingless Pegasus from the Goodwill store is a new project I put on the project table.  There is at least a month’s worth of hair-combing necessary and clearly visible in the picture.  Mane and tail alone will take weeks.

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And I am not yet done with the notion of collecting beautiful sunrises.  The recent rains and cloudiness of Texas wild weather have provided some interesting color and variety to the skyline of the park next to our house.  It all helps to keep my mind off of troubling issues that developed from dental pain and attendance woes.  This has been a very rough week, but the sunrises keep coming, and I look forward to a new day.

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Supergirl (Another Review from the Uncritical Critic)

20151029_124840I watched the new Supergirl TV show on CBS via the internet, and I have to say… Wow!  Now, I am not that big of a Supergirl fan.  The comic book from my overly-massive comic book collection from 40-plus years of being a juvenile reader at heart is the only example I can find to illustrate Supergirl.  And I only own that one because my eldest son wanted it at age 11 because of the bare-midriff dress in the cover illustration.  I have never been all that fixated on Kara Jor-El’s belly button myself.  But don’t get me started on a discussion of superhero babes with bare body parts in comics… well, because I will end up telling you things about myself I really don’t want you to know.  But I do know enough of the Superman mythos to appreciate what the TV show has done with this character.

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Superman himself has been a part of my life ever since I can remember.  I remember him in black-and-white as George Reeves from the time I was first allowed to pick TV shows for myself.

So, I watched this Supergirl show last night in spite of the fact that critics I have read basically hated it.  I don’t actually understand their disdain.  It had everything I love about comic books.  The characters were simply drawn and two-dimensional, which is exactly what a comic book character should be.  Kara was given a back-story that matches the comic book mythos quite well, and yet, other characters like Jimmy Olsen and her adopted sister are clearly innovative and new.  The villain was life-and-death terrible in the way that comic book villains are supposed to be.  He even died at the end of the episode as comic book villains are supposed to do in order to surprise us when they come back to life as comic book villains always do sooner or later.  Everyone seems to love the CW’s newest version of The Flash on TV because it has that distinctive funny/violent comic book bravado about it.  So why didn’t they see the same thing in this new show?  I think, with time, this new show will prove them wrong.  I like the lost-little-girl-turned-superhero story presented in this first episode.  I went in expecting not to like it, and was bedazzled and befuddled and be-everythinged  that you want this kind of show to do to you.

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I will not try to tell you that you should watch the show.  If you are comic-book nutty like I am, you have probably already seen this show, and nothing I could say or do would have a ghost of a chance of keeping you away from it, if that was what I wanted to accomplish.  And I know that many people hate this kind of thing with a passion.  But, being honest here… something I am sure you are aware I rarely ever intentionally do… I want you to watch it so it will become popular and stay on the air.  After all, a TV show like this will generate more dolls and toys to collect.  Ta-ta-ta- TAAAH!!!

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