Tag Archives: humor

Reading Old Books

My personal library is a final destination for a multitude of used and well-worn books.

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Half-Price Books employees used to know me by name.  They don’t now so much any more, because poor health has cut down on available funds, and they hire new people all the time.  But I have bought a number of books just cruising the Dollar-or-Less shelf.  A case in point is a recent purchase of an old book by one of my all-time favorite authors, Terry Pratchett.

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You can see why it was only worth about fifty cents.  It is all scuffed up and dog-eared from previous owners.  Of course, I know how to mistreat a book as well as the next guy, and some of the books I bought bookstore-new long ago look worse than this one does.  But that’s not what’s important.  The good part is on the inside.  You have to put in some effort to get at it.  It is an extremely funny and highly imaginative book.  Johnny is a kid living in Blackbury, England in 1996 (the present day of the story, though it is about time travel and drifts back to the early 1940’s).  He thinks he is just a stupid kid with more stupid-ness about him than he has pockets to keep it in, but he is blessed with an idiot’s ability to think outside of his own head (whatever the heck that means).  There just happens to be an old bag lady named Mrs. Tachyon who just happens to have a Tesco grocery shopping cart that just happens to be a time machine (or so Johnny and his stupid-kid friends just happen to believe).  Johnny and his stupid-kid friends, Bigmac, Wobbler, and Yo-less (don’t ask, okay) along with the girl Kirsty (who is definitely the opposite of a stupid kid), find Mrs. Tachyon lying in a bloody lump in an alley way, and sort of inherit the shopping cart when they get the old lady to a hospital.  And of course, the shopping cart is very unusual with its bags of mysterious wobbly stuff and its resident hyper-vicious cat named Guilty.  It soon accidentally transports the kids back to 1941 when German bombs (like the one in the title) are falling from the sky on Blackbury.  The very day, in fact, when the street they are standing in is supposed to be destroyed by a German bomb, according to history.

Of course, I can’t help but love any book by Terry Pratchett.  But this one is quirky-wonderful and full of surprises.  I really can’t even tell you more about it without spoiling something magical.  I won’t, however, recommend that you read this book.  After all, I had a lovely time reading it, and you certainly don’t need to share in that.  I can keep it all for myself.  No, don’t even think about trying to find a copy and read it!  I think it is out of print anyway.  Don’t you dare go to Half-Price Books!

I will continue to read and fall in love with old books.  I have a few in my library that haven’t actually gotten around to reading yet.  And I have a large number of books I want to read again.  Old books are the best books, and I will continue to say that… at least until I have a new book of my own coming out.

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Framing the Picture

Framing the Picture (a poem about autobiography)

I pop out of bed and look in the mirror

And there is horror in that picture

Wrinkles, spots, and a crypt-skinned leerer,

Stare back from that ancient mixture.

It isn’t so terrible to be really old.

But you have to learn to live with the mold.

And it makes me long for when we were young,

When the sounds and feels of Spring had just sprung.

Remember how we were limber and spry?

And fully intended to write our names on the sky?

But looking back the picture will shift,

Deeds that were done shine brighter with fame,

With polish and retelling, the purpose to lift,

We remake the picture by placing the frame.

That Night in Saqqara 1

The picture is called That Night in Saqqara I Was Taken By Surprise.  It is built on the themes of life versus death, youth versus age, fear versus courage, and probably other things that I never thought of because the interpretation is not entirely up to me.  I can indicate that the Mummy Imhotep has suddenly come back to life.  The picture on the wall behind him is supposed to suggest what he was like in life, at least in his own mind when he had it carved and painted in his tomb.  The boy Tanis is supposed to appear startled, but not afraid.  He wears the Ankh around his neck that symbolizes life and resurrection.  If the mummy kills him, as horror movie monsters once portrayed by Boris Karloff are apt to do, the mummy himself is proof that the dead live on in some way.  The god Horus on the sarcophagus is practically kissing Tanis on the lips  The hawk-headed god is also leading the procession on the side of the sarcophagus, which you may interpret as having the naked boy in line with the others following the god of resurrection and life.  But all of this drivel is me telling you what to see, and you are welcome to disagree with all of it.  Truth is our own to define.  And we define it by putting a frame around it and saying, “This is what you should look at.”  Aren’t we the silliest of creatures when we lie to ourselves and tell ourselves that we can actually do that?

Magicman

This is called Wakanhca’s Daughter.  Wakanhca in the language of the Tetonwan Dakotah Sioux means “lightning dreamer” or, loosely translated, “Magic Man”.   But the interpretation is again up to the viewer.  The brave in the foreground could be that magic fellow since the shield he carries has figures on it that represent a bolt of lightning and a man flapping his arms.  The girl, however, is white-skinned and fair.  Possibly my own daughter rather than his?  Except the Princess wasn’t born until years after this was painted.  The stag, as well as the two Native Americans, is illuminated in a way that is brighter than what you might expect from a night of thunderstorms.  Is he a warrior’s spirit animal?  He is not behaving like a real deer or elk.  And is he looking at the girl, or the warrior?  Consider too, these framings;

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So, what, in the end is all this nonsense about “framing the picture”?  We are the authors of our own stories.  We get to set the whole thing in a frame of our own making.  Does that mean anything important?  Oh, probably not.

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The Current State of My World

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I am busy reinventing myself.  There are things that have to get done.  I have to raise my finances phoenix-like from the abyss I found myself in three years ago after five hospital trips in five years devastated my bank accounts and credit rating at the same time I was forced to retire from my teaching career by health problems.  I went through a debt-reduction program with the advice of a law firm in California that has helped me reconcile 35,000 dollars worth of credit card debt.  I am nearing the end of that painful belt-tightening process, which can be likened to putting a pumpkin in a vice and cranking the handle tighter than you ever believed was possible, and I did not pop the pumpkin.

Health matters are better too.  I am farther away from doom’s ultimate doorway than I was when I retired.  No longer teaching has kept me from getting the four cases of the flu yearly that I had become accustomed to when I was in the germ-filled giant Petri  dish commonly known as a public school classroom.  Lovely Aetna health insurance people decided they would no longer pay for my maintenance medications for diabetes, depression, blood pressure, and cholesterol, so I was forced to cut down and cut out medications.  Ironically, the less I take the meds, the better I feel.  Maybe… just maybe… I am not going to drop dead tomorrow.

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I am stuck indoors quite a lot, because COPD and not using an inhaler and sensitivity to every allergen in Texas makes for a less than wonderful outdoor experience.  So I have taken to reorganizing my library and various vast collections of junk.  I am rereading old and beloved books.  I am playing with my toys more than ever.  I am winning computer baseball games.  I just pitched another perfect game.

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I have been painting the house too, when the weather allows, making the outside of things look a little better too.  The football Cardinals have been winning.  And the Iowa Hawkeyes were perfect up until the narrow loss to Michigan State.  12-1 is still the best they have ever done.

I have recently been able to shave and look a little less Santa-like, though psoriasis is trying to peel my lower face away again, so I will probably be growing my author’s beard and Gandalf hair back again.  And I have completed collections and written up a storm.  My work is not yet complete on this Earth, and there needs to be a new Mickey in town to clean up this cowboy-infested heck-hole where I live my life.

I know this has been a rather goopy-goose of a post, but I am feeling good for a change, and it is hard to do humor about everything going too well.

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Old Timey Stuff

Okay, here is something to look at if you are ridiculously old and out of date like me.  If you have read any of the doll collecting posts or the Pez dispenser posts I am constantly and obsessively posting, then you know I have hoarding disorder almost as bad as my Grandma Beyer, the old string-saver.  She had a collection of used Christmas wrapping paper in her basement that went back to the 1930’s.  It cost her nothing to collect and keep that hoard.  She merely had to be loony about never letting anyone tear their wrapping paper when she wrapped presents.  So, inspired by that, I have found many ways to collect and hoard many kinds of free collections.  This is one I keep on my computer, hijacked images from the internet that remind me of my past.

I’m sorry if you don’t know who or what some of these things are.  Drive-ins, Davy Crockett, The Captain and Mr. Moose, NBC in color on Grandma Beyer’s RCA color TV… these are important things from childhood in the 50’s, 60’s, and early 70’s.

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Do you know who and what they all are?  Does it matter to you like it matters to me?  This is just a glimpse of the museum inside my mind.  I can’t help it.  I am almost 60, and I have been absorbing the detritus of culture since I was four.  That’s a lot of images to collect and catalog.  Have fun making your own collection.  It doesn’t cost anything… as long as nobody sues me over copyrighted images.

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Notes From the Archangel Michael

I was born and raised a Methodist.  But I married into the Jehovah’s Witness faith.  Yes, those annoying little people who come knocking at your door offering free Bible studies and wanting to talk to you about the “good news from God’s Word the Bible”.  I was one of them for the better part of 20 years.  And I want to tell you from the outset that I have been guilty of knocking on doors.  I have been threatened to have the dogs sicked on me.  I have been threatened with guns by Winchuks, Hickenloopers, and other rednecks.  Laughingboy Larry, a seventh and eighth grade former student of mine even begged me to come to his door so he could throw a pie in my face.  I requested lemon meringue pie because… mmm, lemon meringue!  Jehovah’s Witnesses are not bad people.  They are real honest-to-God Christians who believe and teach the essential lessons of Christianity, Love and Forgiveness.  Some of the finest people I have ever met are self-sacrificing, hard-working Jehovah’s Witnesses.  I would never speak against them.  But this post has to explain why I no longer am one of them.

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I have always been a reader of the Bible.  I began seriously reading it in my youth when I was a victim of sexual assault and the life-threatening depression that can cause.  A very thoughtful and loving Methodist minister, the father of my best friend, taught me how to use the Bible to seek answers and find comfort.  As a Jehovah’s Witness, I have read the entire Bible cover to cover twice.

But I have also always been a Christian Existentialist, even before I knew what that was.  I believe that existence precedes essence.  There has to be a real, observable rock in front of me before I grant faith in the existence of a rock.  I don’t accept “rock-ness” as something that is real because other people tell me that “rock” exists.  If God is going to be the rock upon which I build my faith, then I have to observe that God is real.  I need proof.  Superstition is acceptance of something without proof.  As far as I can tell, almost all religions… organized religions… are based on superstitions.  “How do you know that Jesus loves me?”  “Because the Bible tells me so.”  “Why must I believe I go to Heaven when I die?”   “Because your father and his father before him believed it.”  “Can I accept these as real reasons… as evidence?”  “Of course not.  These things follow the patterns of superstition.”

“Kill the infidel! Die a hero’s death, and you will be granted 99 virgins in paradise.”  “How do you know this to be true?”  “Allah has told me in a dream.”

 

So, if you follow any of this (undoubtedly due to the same curse of relentless intelligence that plagues me), you are probably wondering why I don’t just come out and claim to be an atheist like Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens?  Well, because I believe in God.  I have seen the proof.  When I talk to God, he answers me.  When I ask him to guide me, he sends signs and leads me to the answers I seek.  He comforts me, even though it is only by helping me to find comfort in my own mind… my own self.  He helps me find the power within me to do what is right and overcome what is wrong.  Why, then, am I not still a Jehovah’s Witness?  Why am I not still knocking on doors?

The truth, as I see it, is… each of us must find God for ourselves.  Each of us must obtain the certainty we seek with our own efforts, or be satisfied with a perpetual state of not knowing all the answers.  Either result is perfectly acceptable.  Jehovah’s Witnesses will tell you that you can’t obtain eternal life unless you believe what they believe, do what they do, and accept everything just as they interpret it from their magic book.  Personally, I believe there is no eternal life.  I am made of star stuff (as Carl Sagan used to say, because science has mathematically proven it is true).  When I die, the configuration of star stuff that is me will simply be no more.  But I have existed.  And my atoms will go through a large number of processes that disperse them and turn them into something else.  My individual consciousness will be disbanded, but the overall consciousness of the universe will remain.  The universe is greater than I am.  In fact, the whole human race could wink out of existence in a massive fireball that consumes planet Earth, and the whole still remains.  I don’t have to worry about any of it.  I am the author of my own story.  I am responsible for its content, both good and bad.  And I am not sorry for any of it.

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Most of the angels used in this post are by William-Adolphe Bouguereau…and one is by me.

Now you know the awful truth.  Mickey is a humanist.  He thinks for himself about everything… even matters of religion.  How horrible!

“Tell me, oh great and powerful, Vishnu, will I be offered 99 virgins in paradise if I kill him for you?”

“No, Singh-Rama O’Malley.  You are simply being stupid and superstitious.  And besides, that particular superstition doesn’t belong to my religion.  You are mixing things up.”

“Oh, sorry, Lord Vishnu.  But is it okay if I don’t kill myself for my error?”

“Singh-Rama, you are a child of the universe… no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here.  And whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding… as it should.”  (Note; These last words are the words of the poet Max Ehrmann in his wise poem, Desiderata.)

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Viking Christmas Carols

 

Nerrak

Nerrak, the Christmas Viking,,, He is blue in color because he lives in upper Norway and it gets very, very cold.

I guess I need to explain the festive Christmas Viking that I included as the initial Paffooney of this post.  You see, during the Princess’ Christmas concert where she played the tooty leather pole, one of the pieces was called Sleigh Ride.  But as we talked about it at the dinner table, Henry, the Princess, and I, it was quite naturally understood to be Slay Ride.  It probably stems from too much Dungeons and Dragons adventuring.  You tend to get into an entirely too slaying-sort-of mind set.  And, naturally enough, we figured a “Slaying Song” had to be the kind of Christmas music that would appeal to Vikings and barbarians everywhere.

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Groo the Wanderer, created by Sergio Aragones

Yes, my kids and I often err to seriously demented misspelling demons and magic of most misinterpretive sort.  This led to a further discussion of why there were no Vikings named Bob.  After all, there are plenty of Canutes, Karls, Ymirs, and Siegfrieds…  so why no Bobs?

Henry suggested it was the general mistreatment of Bobs by the Vikings.

“Mistreatment of Bobs?” I asked innocently enough.

“Yes, in Viking culture, Bobs are constantly bullied.  The other Vikings insist on using them as sleds.”  Henry grinned as he said it.  “You’ve heard of Bobsleds, haven’t you?”

“Oh, of course!  Now that all makes sense… in a weird sort of way.”

This led to a sudden surge of Viking creativity and we burst into song.

Dashing through the snow
On a horse, we hoped to slay,
Swinging swords we go,
Laughing all the way (Ho, ho, ho, ho!)
Bells on Bob’s tail ring,
making Bob want to fight (while we use him as a sled)
What fun it is to laugh and sing
A slaying song tonight!

Oh, yingle bells, yingle bells
Yingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
On a horse so we can slay!
Yingle bells, yingle bells
Yingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride                                                                                                    On a horse to burn and slay!

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Christmas Concert Heckfire

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I have been connected to the religion of Jehovah’s Witnesses since they baptized me in 1998.  That means I bought in, at least temporarily, into the whole notion of knocking on doors to hand out magazines touting the “Truth of God’s Word the Bible”.  I accepted that they don’t believe in celebrating birthdays… or worldly holidays… especially Christmas because it is celebrated as Jesus’ birthday.  But, here’s the thing that will eventually get me disfellowshipped;  I don’t believe that failing to accept whole the beliefs and practices of the religion deprives you of everlasting life on a paradise Earth.  A loving God does not condemn someone to oblivion simply because they say the wrong thing or think the wrong thoughts.  A murderer can be saved by repenting and accepting the “Truth”, but anyone who looks at the scientific evidence and concludes that the “Theory of Evolution” is probably correct with about 95% certainty is doomed?  That’s really no better than the Baptists who condemn you to eternal suffering in Hell for the same thing.  I have more to say about this religion thing for another day.  But never-the-less, I was the only one able to take the Princess to perform in her band’s Christmas concert because the rest of the family still believes, and the Princess’ band were planning to commit the horrible sin of playing Christmas music.

God, in his wisdom, of course, decided to punish me for my error.

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Borrowed from Dave’s Facebook page; https://www.facebook.com/davewittybanter/?fref=ts

My daughter, the Princess, plays the Tooty Leather Pole… er, the clarinet in the Long Middle School band.  She has caught the band bug from her eldest brother who pulled me kicking and screaming into the world of being a band parent five years ago.  She has the rule down where, “You must be early to band events!  Being on time is the same as being late!”  So we were at the auditorium at 6:30, fifteen minutes before the stated deadline.  I delivered her to the Newman Smith Band Hall and found a seat in the auditorium to watch the result.  I put my phone on vibrate.

Fifteen minutes later, I feel the phone vibrate in my pocket.  A new text message from the Princess.  “Sorry, tell you later,” was all it said.

Ten minutes after that, a frantic phone call.

“Dad, I think I left my band notebook in the car.  It has my music in it for the concert.  Can you get it for me and bring it to the band hall door?”

“Sure, Princess.”

I stumped my way with my trusty cane and two arthritic legs down the auditorium stairs, down the exit stairs, and finally out across the parking lot to where I parked.  I rifled through the back seat of the car, the front passenger seat, under the seat… and I had to text her.

“It isn’t in the car.”

“Oh, no!”

“Do I have to go home and get it?”

“Yes, please.”

So, I hop in the car and tear out for home and the missing notebook.  Of course, I have sinned against God and must bear with eternal heckfire.  Every one of the six traffic lights turned red just as I got to them.  And every one of them, it seemed, had a Texas Bubba in a red Chevy pickup truck gunning his engine, ready to kill me for trying to cross on a red light.

I found the notebook on her bed in her room, right where she had been practicing and totally forgot it.  I snatched it up and raced (as fast as you can race on arthritic legs) back to the car and back to the auditorium.  Sitting at the next red light listening to Bubbas rev their engines, I get another text.  “Can you get it to the band hall door by 7:00, please?”  That text arrives on my phone while I am still two red lights away at 6:59.

Wheezing and panting I arrive at the auditorium at 7:09.  The eighth graders are headed into the auditorium.  I quickly stump back up the stairs into the auditorium just in time to walk up to the stage and hand it to her as she is taking her seat on stage.  Silently she mouths a thank you.  I drag myself up the stairs to row 15, the first available seat, and throw myself down into it, having obviously sacrificed my life for the benefit of my daughter’s passion for music.  Veteran band parents all around are snickering at me.  Especially the McCauly-Martinez clan, proud band parents of at least 47 past and present school band members.  I know I deserve it, but Holy Heckfire is apparently a real thing.  No sin goes unpunished.  No good deed either.

Still, the music was worth it.  I could barely hear over the noise of my lousy lungs working like bellows at the forge to give me enough air to live.  But the rendition of Slay Ride was enthralling.  Excuse me, I mean Sleigh Ride.  Viking Christmas songs are another post idea entirely.   It is possible that condemning myself to eternal destruction by choosing to support a Christmas concert is worth it after all.

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Dancing on the Edge

20151201_103041Life is fraught with all sorts of real dangers, and I face them all every day.  But I also suffer from acrophobia, the fear of heights.  And I can tell you for a fact that it is not a real thing.  It is a mental disorder that makes it difficult to get up on a ladder and paint the house.    It makes it difficult to walk next to the railing in any balcony.  And yet, I have proof that is a phony fear, a goofy fear, an all-in-your-head sort of thing.  Not only do I face it and overcome it (I have been able to paint the house), but I love the window seat when riding in an airplane.  Looking out the window after take-off is an adventure better than any video game.  I love to fly.  That irrational fear is a different irrational fear.

And yet, acrophobia paralyzed me once in a panic attack.  We were visiting Arches National Park in Utah.  My wife thinks it’s rather funny to watch me cringe when she can walk up to the edge of a cliff and look over.  She wanted to take a picture of the Princess when our daughter was only five, and she had her backed up near the edge to take the picture with a big deep hole behind her.  I strenuously objected, and would’ve gone out and grabbed her, but I was paralyzed with fear, and I realized I might very well pitch us both over the edge.  In spite of my objections, the picture was taken.  The Princess even jumped up and down a couple of times before she left the edge.  I was curled up in the passenger seat of the van after that with my hands over my eyes and shaking like someone was electrocuting me.  The wife got a good laugh at my expense, and my suffering was entirely too real, though no one else in the car believed it.  (Yes, that certainly made it better, didn’t it?)

My Art

But life is like that.  In so many ways we live our lives on the very edge of the metaphorical cliff.  I have six incurable diseases and I am a cancer survivor.  But I am not taking my four medicines any more because of the cost and what health insurance refuses to pay.  I can’t even afford the copay at the doctor’s office as often as I really ought to be going.  Climate talks in Paris are trying to solve the global warming crisis, but scientists report things like the methane gasses from the melting permafrost, and we realize it may already be too late.  The world may become a boiling ball of heat and acid rain like the planet Venus because so many corporations for so many years put profit margins above environmental protections.  We may succeed in snuffing out life on earth, so I am seriously not alone being on the brink of a plummet into the permanent darkness of non-existence.  But what can you really do?  Do you stop living?  Do you curl up in a fetal ball and quake with fear?

I choose to dance.  I have proven time and time again that I can overcome that irrational fear.  It does not have to rob me of joy and make me suffer.  It is all a matter of the choices we make.  I do my best to recycle and plant growing things that make oxygen out of carbon dioxide.  I do my best not to get sick.  I choose to do what I believe is the wisest thing to do in the face of the deep dark precipice.  I choose to dance.

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NaNoWriMo… Oh, No!

Well, it was bound to happen.   I am easily writing my 1,000 words plus every single day, but most of it is not going into the novel.  On top of that, it is a much bigger story than the NaNoWriMo’s 50,000 words, so I will not even be able to make last year’s excuse that I finished the novel in November.  Magical Miss Morgan comes in at 40,000 plus, but I finished the first draft last November by Mark Twain’s birthday on the 30th.  (I should wish Sam Clemens a happy 180th birthday, by the way.  He and I were born the same month.)   When the Captain Came Calling is only at 20,000 plus at the moment, but it will probably end up in the neighborhood of 70 to 80 thousand.  It is just that much bigger of a tale.

Voodoo Val cover

This is not an actual cover, just a mock-up using a colored-pencil piece that I created to illustrate the story.  Here is another picture in the series that helps create a main character…  Valerie Clarke is the girl above.  Mary Philips (based on my own sister) is the girl below.

Mary and the Captain

So, the shameful truth is, I will go bust on NaNoWriMo this month.  My November novel will not be even half way done.  Shame on me.  But you can benefit still from my laziness.  I also spent time watching some of my favorite crap on YouTube.  So I will share another bit of the cream of the crap that you really ought to see if you haven’t already.

I have finished all but December in my goal of blog posting every day of 2015.  So I can point to that accomplishment to offset the failure of NaNoWriMo.  4,114 visitors to date have viewed things 8,602 times this year.  There were also 933 comments made, although about half of those are my replies.  I am slowly gaining something I never thought I could achieve, a readership who actually does more than just look at the pictures.  I used to write for nobody.  I used to keep it in my closet and my desk drawer at school.  Now, as a published author, I have hopes that my work will outlive the bonfire that my wife will make to clean out my closet to make more room for her shoes when I am dead.  I just can’t say that this month did a lot to help that cause.

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Nerd Class

Skoolgurlz

Back in the 1980’s I was given the gift of teaching the Chapter I program students in English.  This was done because Mrs. Soulwhipple was not only a veteran English teacher, but also the superintendent’s wife.  She was the one gifted with all the star kids, the A & B students, the ones that would be identified as the proper kids to put into our nascent Gifted and Talented Program.  That meant that I would get all the kids that were C, D, & F in most of their classes, the losers, the Special Edwards, the learning disabled, the hyper rocketeers of classroom comedy, and the trouble makers.  And I was given this gift because, not only was I not a principal’s or superintendent’s wife, but I actually learned how to do it and became good at it.  How did I do that, you might ask?  I cheated.  I snooped into the Gifted and Talented teacher training, learned how to differentiate instruction for the super-nerd brain, and then used the stolen information to write curriculum and design activities for all my little deadheads (and they didn’t even know who the Grateful Dead were, so that’s obviously not what I meant).    I treated the little buggers like they were all GT students.  Voila!  If you tell a kid they are talented, smart, and worthy of accelerated instruction… the little fools believe it, and that is what they become.Aeroquest ninjas

Even the goofy teacher is capable of believing the opposite of what is obvious and starts treating them like super-nerds because he actually believes it.  I soon had kids that couldn’t read, but were proud of their abstract problem-solving skills.  I had kids that could enhance the learning of others with their drawing skills, their singing ability, and their sense of what is right and what is wrong.  I had them doing things that made them not only better students for me, but in all their classes.  And I did not keep the methods to my madness a secret, either.  I got so good at coercing other teachers to try new ideas and methods that I got roped into presenting some of the in-service training that all Texas teachers are required by law to do.  And unlike so many other boring sessions we all sat through, I presented things I was doing in the actual classroom that other teachers could also use with success.  The other teachers tried my activities and sometimes made them work better than I did.

Teacher

Yes, I know this all sounds like bragging.  And I guess it probably is.  But it worked.  My kids kept getting better on the standardized tests and the State tests that Texas education loves so much.  And Mrs. Soulwhipple was still the superintendent’s wife, but she did not stay a teacher forever.  She eventually went to a new school district with her husband.  And guess who they started thinking of when the question of who would be the next teacher for the nerd classes was considered.  That’s right, little ol’ Reluctant Rabbit… that goofy man who drew pictures on the board and made kids read like a reading-fiend… me.

So, a new era began in Cotulla.  In addition to still getting to teach all the deadheads (because they weren’t going to trust those precious children to anyone else, naturally), I began teaching at least one edition of Mr. B’s famous Nerd Class every school year.  We actually assigned long novels and great pieces of literature for the kids to read and discuss and study in depth.  Novels like To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee and Across Five Aprils by Irene Hunt were read.  We began talking about “big ideas”, “connections to the wider world”, and how “things always change”.  We began taking on ideas like making our world better and how to help our community.  Kids began to think they were learning things that were important.  We did special units on Exploring Our Solar System, The World of Mark Twain, Finding the Titanic, and The Tragedy of Native American History.  And we spent as much as a third of the year on each.  I am myself cursed with a high IQ and a very disturbing amount of intelligence.  I am the deepest living stockpile of useless facts and trivia that most of my students would ever meet in their lifetimes.  And even I was challenged by some of the learning we took on.  That’s the kind of thing that makes a teaching career fun.  It kept me teaching and meeting new students and new challenges long after my health issues made it a little less than sensible to keep going.  And if I manage to tell you a few Nerd Class stories in the near future, then at least you stand a chance of knowing a little bit about what-the-heck I am talking about.  So be prepared for the worst.  I am retired now, and have plenty of time for long-winded stories about being a teacher.

 

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