Okay, I am taking over this danged silly old blog today to talk about something important! Baseball!!! Yeah, and even more important, I wanna talk about how girls can be good at baseball.
My name is Maisey Moira Morgan. I am a left-handed pitcher for the Carrollton Cardinals. That’s a boys’ Little League team, in case ya didn’t know. I ain’t the only girl in boys’ Little League, but I am the only girl on the Cardinals’ team. The only girl pitcher. The only WINNING girl pitcher. I woulda been an undefeated winning girl pitcher if Tyree Suggs hadn’t dropped that fly ball in the bottom of the ninth inning out in right field two weeks ago. I ended my season at 3 wins and 1 loss.
You see, the thing is, I know the secret to striking out boys at the plate. First of all, I am a left-handed pitcher. Those danged boys are all used to seeing the ball flung at ’em from the right side. Ninety-nine and two-tenths per cent of all pitchers in our league are right-handed. So are most of the batters. So that futzes them up right there. And on top of that, Uncle Milt taught me to throw a knuckle-ball two years ago. That is one amazingly hard pitch to hit square if you do it right. You curl your fingers on the ball and give a little sorta push-out with your fingertips as you let it go. And you try really hard to make the ball not spin as you push it towards the batter. It can do amazing things after it leaves my hand. Uncle Milt swears that he saw one of my pitches double-dip and then corkscrew as it went across the plate low in the strike zone. A mere boy can’t really get a good swing at a pitch if it flutters around like a crazy bug with butterfly wings.
But that ain’t even the real secret to my baseball success. You see, them danged boys all think they can step up to the plate and put their bat on any ball thrown at ’em by a mere girl. They are not afraid of me, even the third time they get up to bat after striking out twice before. My uniform is not exactly sexy, but all I really have to do is wiggle my behind a little and smile at them, and they don’t even seem to be thinking about hitting the ball any more. I get an even bigger smile on my sweet little face when strike three flutters past ’em. I always take ’em by surprise.
I expect to be the first woman pitcher in the major leagues one day. Remember my name. Maisey Moira Morgan. Future Hall of Famer.
(Disclaimer; Maisey might actually have a hard time claiming her place in the Baseball Hall of Fame, not because the major leagues don’t have any women in them, but because she is an entirely fictional human being, only existing in Mickey’s stupid little head.)
Catch a Falling Star 
The Need for Easy Pants
I have never been an advocate of hard-to-wear pants. Pants are suppose to be an aid to civilization, allowing a man to hide away the sensitive and sorta ugly bits that make him more like the animals, and in certain situations, unable to access the rational data-base in his little bean-like head. My own need for comfortable pants is further complicated by an enlarged prostate that presses on the spine, as well as two lower vertebrae eroded by years of arthritis. Pants have to be tight enough to hold me together, yet not so tight they cut off the blood flow and kill my lower half. It would be danged inconvenient to have to walk around without any legs, or any butt, or any naughty bits. If I wore Urkel pants, I might even lose my heart and my stomach, things I’m almost certain I would miss. And I wouldn’t be able to do the Urkel dance, either.
Of course, there are times when the whole issue of easy pants can become a real concern. I am trying to make my way through the labyrinth of problems of the retired on a budget. So I tend to favor cheap pants. I buy most of my pants from Goodwill Inc. They are mostly used pants… or previously loved pants… or previously worn-out pants. The pants I am wearing at the moment have developed holes in the region of the crotch… not a good place for unwanted air-conditioning. And the pants I bought to replace them have buttons in place of a zipper in the fly. I didn’t realize the potential for spontaneous bathroom dancing that the combination of buttons and arthritic fingers could cause. My best pair of blue jeans are the kind of denim known UN-affectionately as “high-water pants”. This, of course, leads to inconveniently aerated ankles.
The final verdict is in about easy-pants issues. To avoid all pants-related issues you have to give up wearing pants. And I do still have issues with becoming a nudist as well. So the struggle to obtain and wear easy pants is a never-ending battle that we simply cannot afford to give up on.
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Filed under angry rant, autobiography, commentary, feeling sorry for myself, foolishness, goofy thoughts, humor
Tagged as easy pants, goofiness, humor, Jimmy Neutron, paffooney, Steve Urkel, wearing pants