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Magnificent Maisey on the Mound

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Okay, I am taking over this danged silly old blog today to talk about something important!  Baseball!!!  Yeah, and even more important, I wanna talk about how girls can be good at baseball.

My name is Maisey Moira Morgan.  I am a left-handed pitcher for the Carrollton Cardinals.  That’s a boys’ Little League team, in case ya didn’t know.  I ain’t the only girl in boys’ Little League, but I am the only girl on the Cardinals’ team.  The only girl pitcher.  The only WINNING girl pitcher.  I woulda been an undefeated winning girl pitcher if Tyree Suggs hadn’t dropped that fly ball in the bottom of the ninth inning out in right field two weeks ago.  I ended my season at 3 wins and 1 loss.

You see, the thing is, I know the secret to striking out boys at the plate.  First of all, I am a left-handed pitcher.  Those danged boys are all used to seeing the ball flung at ’em from the right side.  Ninety-nine and two-tenths per cent of all pitchers in our league are right-handed.  So are most of the batters.  So that futzes them up right there.  And on top of that, Uncle Milt taught me to throw a knuckle-ball two years ago.  That is one amazingly hard pitch to hit square if you do it right.  You curl your fingers on the ball and give a little sorta push-out with your fingertips as you let it go.  And you try really hard to make the ball not spin as you push it towards the batter.  It can do amazing things after it leaves my hand.  Uncle Milt swears that he saw one of my pitches double-dip and then corkscrew as it went across the plate low in the strike zone.  A mere boy can’t really get a good swing at a pitch if it flutters around like a crazy bug with butterfly wings.

But that ain’t even the real secret to my baseball success.  You see, them danged boys all think they can step up to the plate and put their bat on any ball thrown at ’em by a mere girl.  They are not afraid of me, even the third time they get up to bat after striking out twice before.  My uniform is not exactly sexy, but all I really have to do is wiggle my behind a little and smile at them, and they don’t even seem to be thinking about hitting the ball any more.  I get an even bigger smile on my sweet little face when strike three flutters past ’em.  I always take ’em by surprise.

I expect to be the first woman pitcher in the major leagues one day.  Remember my name.  Maisey Moira Morgan.  Future Hall of Famer.

(Disclaimer; Maisey might actually have a hard time claiming her place in the Baseball Hall of Fame, not because the major leagues don’t have any women in them, but because she is an entirely fictional human being, only existing in Mickey’s stupid little head.)

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Cardinal Nation

I am resolutely and without a doubt a St. Louis Cardinals’ Fan.  I have been since Bob Gibson, Lou Brock, Ken Boyer, and the 1964 team.  I used to love to listen to the Minnesota Twins lose baseball games on radio when I was a child, listening to the games when we went to Grandma Beyer’s house on Sunday afternoons.  Great Grandpa Raymond, Grandma’s dad, was in his nineties, and rooting for the Twins to get a series.  But one time he turned on Grandma’s RCA Victor color television set in ’64 and the Cardinals were playing winning ball.  Red and white, color and drama, the team you decided to root for could actually win!  Who knew?  Great Grandpa is responsible for my fierce love of a game that is usually slightly more exciting than paint drying.  And it was all about numbers!  Lou Brock stole how many bases?  Bob’s ERA was how low?  Ken Boyer had what fielding percentage on third base?  And I hate math!  But I kept score.  We couldn’t get Cardinals games on our TV at home, in black and white and plywood.  But we could get Cubs games on Channel 3, and the Cubs played the Cardinals a lot!   Most games were followed in the daily Globe Gazette, the Mason City newspaper.

So, to my dying day I will continue to live for baseball.  And I know it is a totally irrational thing.  If you cut me, I will bleed Cardinal red.  And that’s the honest truth.

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And Sunday, I pitched a no-hitter on the Xbox where I have a copy of MLB ’04 with Albert Pujols as a Cardinal on the cover!  And I know that it only means that now that I am retired I am spending far too much time playing computer games, even if it was only a no-hitter on rookie level.  It was a no-hitter!!!!  One fielding error away from a perfect game!!!!  Don’t tell me to stop shouting!!!!  You can’t really hear excessive exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and the Cardinals are in first place in their division again.  In September when it counts.  Thank you, God!  It’s great to be alive when you are a Cardinals’ Fan.

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