Tag Archives: humor

Being and Artistry

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Being an artist is a matter of genetics, luck, and loads of practice.  I began drawing when I was only four or five years old.  I drew skulls and skeletons, crocodiles and deer on everything.  My kindergarten and first grade teachers were constantly gritting their teeth over the marked-up margins of every workbook and worksheet.  I drew and colored on everything.  I eventually got rather good, drawing in pencil, crayon, ink, and as you see here, colored pencil.  I loved to draw the people and things around me.  I also drew the things of my imagination.  I drew my best girl, Alicia, and I drew the half-cobra half-man that lived in the secret cavern under our house.  I drew a picture of the house across the underpass from Grandma Mary’s house.  I drew cardinals, and I drew Snoopy cartoons.  I drew my sports heroes in football and hockey, Donny Anderson and Gordie Howe.  I drew monsters with fangs and fuzzy animals with huge soulful eyes.  I still draw and it’s mostly the same things that I drew when I was a child.  I will post more of the drawings here in the near future to dazzle you with my talents and ridiculous sense of the absurd.

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I inherited art talent from my father’s side of the family.  He could always draw fairly well, though he only used the talent to draw things he meant to build or create in his workshop.  He was a practical man who loved to tinker and make things work in a useful manner.  He had no love or need for that which is fanciful and fantastic.  I suspect, though, that he encouraged my artistical flights of fancy because it spoke to an unfulfilled portion of his own creative instinct.  My Great Aunt Viola was also an artist.  She loved to paint flowers on porcelain and create delicate beauty in items like plates and vases.  Her art was more fanciful than my Dad’s art, but it still had a certain Midwestern practicality at its roots. 

I hoped early on to be a cartoonist or comic-book artist.  I loved to draw wildly imaginative things.  The first cartoons I created were all about outer space.  I wrote stories and drew pictures of Zebra Fleet, a Star-Trek-like space force that kept peace in an area of space inhabited by dog-headed humanoids.  It was fanciful and goofy at the same time.  Since then I tried my hand at a Cowboys and Indians cartoon strip, built around the massacre of Custer’s command at the Little Bighorn.  I researched the Indians of the Dakotah, Crow, Shoshone, and Hidatsa Tribes for my cartoon.  I learned to love drawing feathers, totems, magic men, shamans, shirt men, and lovely Indian girls.  Nowadays I draw the adventures of weird little Toons from Animal Town and the various strange places in Fantastica.  Teenage Panda Girls go out for cheerleading and fail, seeking to wreak revenge on Animal Town.  Hairy Bear is a Grizzly with a tiny body and a huge reputation earned by fantastical hair growths and the ability to make large hair-pieces.  The Four Bares are a family of bears who live at Newt’s Naturist camp and turn Animal Town upside down when they insist on their right as top-of-the-food-chain predators to go anywhere they like naked.  If you are lucky, I will never be a published cartoonist.  I made a serious stab at it.  I came close in two different job interviews and one major submission, but I have arthritis, and it attacked my hands at just the right time to make me a school teacher instead of a cartoonist.

Drawing has become for me a hobby and a lifestyle all about the color and the symbol.  I try to cram as much story and meaning into every figure or picture I do.  Each drawing is precious, and I must squeeze as much as I can from each one, because drawing has become so hard to do and is such a rare thing.  I lean towards the blue in my cartoons.  There is a certain Blue Period about my melancholy work and life.  Things turn out wrong at the end of my stories and there is no happily ever after.  When the nighttime comes, I have to go to sleep with the urge to draw more.  I’ll draw more in the next life, or maybe in my dreams.

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Monkey-head Musings

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I am not what you would call political.  I have some friends that I care about who are very conservative.  And when I say conservative, I mean Obama-is-Hitler-and-illegals- are-taking-over-our-country-and-keep-your-government-hands-off-my-medicare-sort of conservatives.  The loony, Fox News-watching, crazy sorts of conservatives.  How could I be from Iowa and not know lots of those types?  They would probably be really offended by this post if they actually bothered to read it.   But no worries, most of them don’t read in complete sentences.  I also have some more sensible, care-about-poor-people-and-worry-about-education-and-try-to-save-the planet sorts of people who used to be called moderates, but now are looked upon as loony liberals.  I think I side more with them.  I have to admit though, a Facebook commenter recently upset me by accusing me of misrepresenting the facts when I commented that Texas has privately operated for-profit prisons (I saw one up close when I lived in Cotulla) and that they have taken money away from education (my district by itself had State money reduced by a million dollars in order to help Emperor Perry balance the Texas budget without touching his billion dollar rainy day fund).  I am not usually one to fuss up the facts.  That’s more of a conservative thing.  I know it is pointless to argue on Facebook about politics.  I definitely don’t need to get upset about people who, no matter what evidence or reason you give them, will never change their mind.  But I have discovered that politics do affect me.  Take the health care issue.  I have six incurable diseases and am a cancer survivor since 1983.  If healthcare reform had resulted in socialized medicine, government paid-for healthcare, that would benefit me the most.  As it is, the Affordable Care Act (perjoratively known as Obamacare) helps me by insuring that I won’t pay insurance premiums for a lifetime and then die from a life-time maximum payout instituted by the insurance companies.  Banker and Insurance Representative are actually two new names for pirate.  They are in the business of collecting premiums and refusing to pay claims.  They don’t need to be de-regulated so they can make more money and deny me health care more easily.  They need more regulation, not less.  But conservatives in Texas want Obamacare repealed.  Senator Ted (Monkey-face) Cruz even shut the government down to try to destroy Obamacare.  Texas conservatives refuse to take government money to help them make the Affordable Care Act work.  They resist the administration of a program that provides insurance via Medicaid (a Bush program) to people who can’t otherwise afford it.  They don’t realize that it would actually benefit everyone (except the insurance companies) to have poor people be able to do something besides go to the emergency room and let taxpayers pay for it.  Conservatives would actually vote against their own best economic interests to support the conservative party line.  So here is the absolute worst thing about all these Monkey-head Musings, conservatives, some of whom I care a lot about, are not helping themselves.  They are riding the bicycle over the cliff at the fastest pace their legs can manage, and no matter how much I yell and point at the cliff, they keep on peddling.  And there is a tether on my ankle tied to the backs of quite a large number of bicycles.

Math Monkey

 

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Dr. Evil Invades Mickey’s Library!

Earlier I alluded to the plan of the super scary villain, Dr. Evil with the removable brain.  He was planning on invading Mickey’s library with malice aforethought… er, anger about all the books in there… or something.  Anyway, today he attacked.  He showed up with several of his evil minions.

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He brought some of the most evil minions I could afford on a teacher’s salary.  Ming the Merciless is his most evil adviser, a real whiz with the evil plans, even though I suspect he really doesn’t like looking at the Doctor’s exposed removable brain so much.

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So, once convinced, Dr. Evil put on his Dr. Normal-Guy mask.  It was a disguise he often used, and was successful while wearing it, because he could sneak past his enemies while they were laughing and rolling on the ground.  The laughter often started inexplicably after an enemy would ask what nationality a name like “Normal-Guy” really was.

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Besides fooling the foolish Action Hero guys, Dr. Evil relied on a secret weapon.  GRAMMAR NAZIS!!!  He would use them to relentlessly correct the spelling of the Action Hero guys until they cried like little babies.

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Will the Grammar Nazis prevail over the Action Heroes?  Would they take over Mickey’s wonderful library?  Would they notice how many times the villains misspelled the word “removable”?

Stay tuned next time… Same Bat Station!   Same Bat Channel!  For the next thrilling episode of Doctor Evil Attacks Mickey’s Library!!!!!

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A Night in the Pyramid

Ancient mysteries fascinate me.  I love the aspects of History that are ultimately unknowable and possibly horrific (depending entirely on your point of view).  I am filled with wonder about Egyptian beliefs about the purposes and powers of pyramids.  Did they function as resurrection machines for pharaohs?  Were they pathways to the stars?  Why were the royal chambers completely empty?  How old are they really?  These and so many other questions are there to think about.  And you can only answer them by using your imagination.  It is the stuff of stories that keeps me going… keeps me dreaming…

A Night in the Pyramid

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Google Paffooney Explained

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I really don’t know if anyone anywhere has actually tried this, but if you like my art at all I can cure you of that if you follow this procedure;  Go to Google.  Do a picture search on the word “Paffooney”.  Nobody does Paffoonies but me.  You will get a gallery of my art, a few random portraits of women named Valerie Clarke, and aliens.  Most of it will be my stuff.

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The Action Team Defends Mickey’s Library

Today it was rumored that the sinister Dr. Evil planned on invading the Mickian Library to threaten the books… just because he could.  He’s been known to channel super villains like the evil Emperor Ming of Mongo.  (Nobody scarier than that because Playing Mantis toy company couldn’t license DC or Marvel either one)

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So, once we learned of the plot, we called on the Captain Action League to defend the library and rescue the books.

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Hopefully the plans of the evil doctor with the removable brain have been thwarted.

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Pirate Fantasies

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A Final Summer Fun Cartoon

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Goofy Me from Long Ago

While still in college I was trying to create a number of children’s book type stories.  I was young and stupid then, not knowing that you had to have experience of the world to be a writer, even a writer of children’s stories.  So, not knowing any better, I created the character you see in today’s Paffooney, Horatio T. Dogg, super-sleuth.  He was a dog, but he could talk and smoke a pipe and he had the mind and observational powers of Sherlock Holmes.  Problem was, though, you had to create a mystery for that sort of character to solve.  I have never been any good at that.  My stories were unable to shock or surprise, since I always telegraph my every move about three different ways.  Anyway, this is a pen and ink drawing with watercolor wash of Horatio T. Dogg.

Horatio

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Double Character Study; Mike Murphy and Blueberry Bates

Mike Murphy and Blueberry Bates are recurring characters in my hometown novels.  So far they have appeared in The Bicycle-Wheel Genius and Magical Miss Morgan, both of which are now published and available through Amazon.

The Bicycle-Wheel Genius is now available on Amazon through this link;

https://www.amazon.com/Bicycle-Wheel-Genius-Michael-Beyer/dp/1982984023/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1544204666&sr=8-1&keywords=michael+beyer+books+bicycle-wheel+genius

Magical Miss Morgan is available through this link;

https://www.amazon.com/Magical-Miss-Morgan-Michael-Beyer-ebook/dp/B0797GTRPV/ref=sr_1_39?ie=UTF8&qid=1544202254&sr=8-39&keywords=michael+beyer+books

The first book documents their star-crossed romance, beginning as ten-year-olds and following through until they are going on thirteen.  Blueberry is a girl with a terrible secret.  She is not like other girls and has to protect this secret, which will only become harder and harder to contain as time goes on.  She lives with her father who barely notices her, an aunt, her father’s sister, who knows the secret and punishes Blueberry for it, and her two older sisters who cherish her and dote on her, and probably are the only reason she is still alive.  Her mother, unfortunately, died when she was a baby.  But both books she appears in so far are comedies.   I will not go into the possible tragedies lying wait in ambush for her in her distant future.  The tragedies are simply not funny enough to be a part of everything.  Like many of my characters, she is based on people from my own life and experience.  She is a combination of a girl I once loved and a boy I once taught.  If that’s not confusing enough, I can add that Blueberry loves to draw, a detail that comes about because she is also partly based on me.  She particularly loves to draw pictures of Mike Murphy.  She might have drawn the next Paffooney (if she were a real person and not just some made-up girl that only lives in my weird old imagination).

Blue and her beau

Mike Murphy is a Norwall Pirate.  Not just any Pirate, but their best athlete, tree-climber, and wild-story believer.   He does everything the Pirate leader, Tim Kellogg, (the grand and glorious and mostly notorious Pirate leader) thinks up for him to do.  He believes every lie Tim tells him, and faithfully defends the Pirates and their leader, even when it gets him detention (again!) from their favorite teacher, Miss Francis Morgan.  He starts out running away from Blueberry, as any red-blooded, normal American boy would.  But he eventually lets her catch him, as any red-blooded, normal American boy would at about that age, the middle of the wonder years.  He becomes her best friend and greatest white-knight-sort-of protector, even though he is torn between that and loyalty to Tim and the Pirates and the lies they tell.

I am now planning a third book that will allow these two characters to adventure together.  I will call this novel Kingdoms Under the Earth.  It will begin with Blueberry being kidnapped by evil flu fairies that take her away to the dark parts of the fairy world under the surface of this world in a feverish coma. Mike Murphy must decide to follow her and rescue her, which he will do via the bad advice of a fairy friend, kissing Blueberry on the lips, contracting her disease, and sharing in her comatose suffering.  Then Mike’s best friend, Tim Kellogg, and his big sister Dilsey both agree that they must follow also to help rescue both Blueberry and Mike.  It will be a great adventure through illness, imagination, and the many hidden kingdoms of fairy magic that lie directly under our world.

Now, I suppose you are wondering why I am giving you details about characters in a book, or rather books, that I haven’t even finished writing yet.  Well, if you are dedicated enough to reading my loopy and boring old posts to get this far, it is probably safe to tell you that I don’t really know either.  I also want to find out.  What do the next sentences say?  Oh, yes.  Mike Murphy already exists as a Pirate in my published book Catch a Falling Star.  He is an established character that I have to twist and tweak into fitting into new stories.  Blueberry has been prancing around in my imagination and drawing colored-pencil Paffoonies since the 1970’s, but I am only now weaving her into the stories I have in me and are burning with a red-hot flame to get told.  So I’m not completely crazy to do this.  Only about ninety percent… right?

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