Tag Archives: autobiography

Have No Fear, Mickey is Here

Beauty and Beast

I have recently had more run-ins with my old nemesis… Fear.  He is a vicious animal that makes my heart race and muddles my thinking (which is ironically very hard to do considering the muddlesome nature of my brain to begin with.)

I posted a political post a couple of days ago suggesting you should shoot yourself in the foot.  Fear tells me he likes shooting.  He is a card-carrying member of the NRA.  Second Amendment rights are more important to him than the First Amendment, the Fourth, the Sixth, and definitely the 15th.  He agrees with Donald Trump about Mexicans.  We have to seal the border, and if they come across to commit crimes, steal our stuff, and mess up our lovely whitebread world, we oughtta be able to shoot them.  Fear likes conservatives in politics.  He knows they don’t really mean it when they ask us to give up stuff and give them more money in return for protecting us from all those scary “other people”, but he likes the notion of guns and military to “protect us”.  Those “other people”, they are scary. and icky, and awful.  We hate them.  Let’s kill them.  Fear really does say this to me, and I am fairly sure that he says it to other people too.  But I have decided I don’t really want to listen.

superchick2Superman 2In fact, I want to stand up to him.  I am tired of listening to people whom I care about repeat fear-fueled talking points from Fox News about why white cops who killed black youths without giving them their right to a trial… especially un-armed black youths… were probably justified and were rightfully afraid for their own gun-fortified life.  I was mortified when the white cop in McKinney, Texas threw the black girl in the bikini to the ground and put a knee on her back.  That was a girl like so many of the ones I have taught in Texas.  Sure, she may have said bad words to him… because she was afraid.  But she had more reason to be afraid than he did.  So, I need to use Mickian magical powers to punch Fear in the nose.  This monster will not beat me, even though I am naked and unarmed.  I am not afraid.

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And here’s the reason why…  I love people.  I don’t hate them.  I don’t fear them.  I particularly love some of the people that friends and relatives routinely tell me that they fear.  I have had black, Hispanic, and Muslim students that I would die to protect without hesitation.  When I stood between a Hispanic boy with a sharp metal throwing star with which he intended to commit a murder, and the boy inside my classroom he was threatening, I was ready to die.  He was not entering my classroom while I lived to block the doorway.  Fortunately for my stupid, brave self, an even braver History teacher prevented him from getting to me and got him to drop the weapon and run away.  Later that day I cried several gallons of tears and thanked God I did not wet my pants on the spot, but that is not the only time in my teaching career that I stepped between two combatants in order to protect them both and end the fight.  The secret to those victories was never having a gun or weapon to fight back with.  All I had to do to win the battle was overcome Fear… to beat him down and not let him be a factor.  You can always talk your way out of any terrible situation.  If the person you are talking to knows you are not showing fear, and you bother to tell him or her that you care about not letting them get hurt, even by their own actions… even the most wicked-hearted people are still people and still have a heart.  If they don’t, a gun isn’t going to save you anyway.  It would’ve helped Ninja-star-boy to have someone supply him with a gun.  So I say this without fear.  “Fear, you do not have a say in my life!  I do not give you any power over my faith, my politics, my daily life, or my loves.”

Now, I am not made of bricks or steel, and I am definitely not bullet-proof.  But I am not afraid to say, I am a liberal in my politics.  I believe in helping people, not hurting them in the name of Fear.  And so, if you Klansmen and white supremacists are offended by that fact and believe you need to punish me for my commie-liberal-sinner crimes, I am ready to tell you that I respect you as a human being, and disrespect every hurtful thing you stand for.  I will gladly give you your Fourth and Sixth Amendment rights, and do everything in my power to prevent you from exercising your Second Amendment rights on my poor little (Biblical-word-for-Donkey used as a euphemism).

Oh, and I am not about to tell you where I live.  I may be stupid and brave, but nobody is that stupid.

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More Texas Airport Follies

I would post a picture of my son the Marine in his uniform, but I have promised him never to use his real name, or pictures of him in his military persona, or even reveal destinations where he was going for the armed forces.   He is not going on secret missions, but he likes to play like it is so, and is capable of getting very, very mad about it.  So you will have to be satisfied with the harrowing tale of delivering him to the airport, putting him on a plane to… somewhere… and finding out first hand what the term SNAFU is all about as it relates to the military and deployment.

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You may remember that I posted about collecting him from Love Field and what a wondrous, lovely adventure that was, at the start of his leave for the holiday.  (Texas Airport Adventures) Well, unfortunately, we didn’t have the same easy time of it on the butt end of his journey home.  We had to go to DFW… The Texas-Sized airport that makes you appreciate how loud and braggart-y and smug and foul-tempered Texas is as a whole.  Practically nothing went as planned.

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I used this scene to represent the airport and blurred it on purpose (yeah, right!) to protect the identities of the random airport denizens I was photographing because I obtained a release from no one and no faces can be actually visible.  (I also thought the pretty little Asian girl dressed in blue was particularly cute, but wanted no part in taking some sort of weird stalker photo.)  To use this photo to imagine what the airport is really like, you have to realize that this is one of thirty-five-something waiting areas in only one of the Terminals A, B, C, D, and E that litter this monster airport.  You have to take this particular photo times one-hundred-seventy-five-something to get an idea of how labyrinthine and utterly foul and soul-munching this cesspit of Texan humanity and lurking random monsters truly is.  And we didn’t even have the misfortune of finding the Minotaur in the middle of the maze.

We started our quest at Terminal C, not quite sure which of the many, many American Airlines spots we were supposed to find out of all the x-marks-the-spots x-es that were to be found on the GPS and Google Maps.  We checked his bags and asked about boarding, and if we could get passes to eat dinner at one of the terminal restaurants with our boy before he winged off somewhere into the military world far, far away.  Helpful little lady in the official red jacket said we had to go to Terminal B to the USO office and get passes because he was military and that was a USO responsibility.  Then she said we should hustle onward to Terminal A to catch his plane.  So we went to terminal B.  The nice lady at the USO said she had no earthly idea what red-jacket-supposedly-expert lady was talking about.  We needed to get our passes from security at the Terminal where we were actually putting him on the plane.  So by now, we didn’t trust anything that red-jacket-lady had told us and checked the ticket to see if she had given us the wrong terminal as well.  Sure enough, the ticket said we were to put him on a plane at gate D20.  There is, of course, no such gate in Terminal A.  So we went to Terminal D.  There we tried to get passes.  The ticket agent that was helping us said we had to go to the special customer services desk at the other end of the free-world side of Terminal D.  So, armed with my cane and two aching knees (from arthritis pressed into walking too far already) we stumped and slogged and slithered down to the far end of Terminal D.  On the way (during one of my frequent puffing and panting and gasping stops) I checked the departure board for number one son’s flight and saw, to my shock and dismay, that his flight was leaving not out of Terminal D, but out of Terminal A, from gate A11.

The red-jacket-supposedly-expert lady from the far end of Terminal D apologized profusely that we had been misdirected by red-jacket-but-know-nothing lady and recommended that we get our passes from the special customer services desk that was now within fifty feet of where we stood.  We went there and lucked out with a quietly competent special-customer-services guy who quietly and competently issued us each of the four passes we sought.  (The poor Asian gentleman arguing with the next ticket agent over had already missed his plane because he had been waiting in long airport lines through boarding and take-off.  I was so glad not to be in his shoes that I overlooked the fact that smoke was already rolling out of the soles of my shuffling shoes.)  From that point on, we got what we wanted.  We went to Terminal A and got in through security without being strip-searched… completely (only my feet were actually bare).  We found a nice, expensive airport restaurant and consumed enough carbohydrates that it should have killed diabetic little me.  The waitress was even a bit smitten with number one son, although the boy did not even notice her big brown calf’s eyes.  And then we got him on his plane.  And he was gone.  Of course, the SNAFU (Situation Normal, All-French-worded-Up) was not completely done with number one son.  He reached the place where he was supposed to go from American Airlines to the military transport flight, and was promptly grounded for a couple of days as there was a huge, nasty weather event across the ocean at his destination.

So, there you have it… the abridged to less than one-thousand-one-hundred-words version, anyway.  More airport follies to tickle your glee-and-giggles center in your brain.  And I may live long enough to go through similar stuff a number of times more.  Such is the life of a military parent.  But when we got home, just like the last time, the flower wagon had another surprise for us… just before the thunderstorm.

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Homely Art, Mom-Style

I am assuming, probably incorrectly, that you have seen enough of my art work to come to the conclusion that I am a bit of an artist.  Amateur, of course.  You have to make money at it to be professional.  I used a great deal of my artistic abilities in the classroom as a teacher, and while you come eventually to an appreciation for that small sacrifice, you can’t really call that making money at it.  And I am good enough at drawing to know where the mistakes are… the flubs and the flaws and the not-so-happy little accidents (I truly appreciate the genius of Bob Ross, and I know I am not Picasso or Da Vinci… but I can draw better than he ever could.)  I know my artistic junk is kitschy junk in so many, many ways.  But I believe that some of the best art is homely art… the art you keep in your house… not gallery quality, but irreplaceable to you yourself.  And the point of this article (dreamed up while spending some alone time in my octagenarian mother’s  house due to illness) is that I got my love of homely art from my mother’s house, the house I grew up in.

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These two goofy dinos are an example of what I am talking about.  These two revered family art objects were bought as greenware porcelain from a mold at an Austin pottery-art store.  Mother fired them in her kiln.  I painted them in acrylic.  They are now living happy lives in my Mother’s dining room.  Oh, and they are made to be displayed together like this;

20150702_130218Most of mother’s art gallery-like house is filled with items just like this.  No value to the history of art.  Not museum quality.  No more important than any other item of homemade functions-more-as-a-token-of-love-for-the-person-who-gave-it artwork.

Let me show you more of the many wonderful grandma-treasures that fill my mother’s house.

This was our Grandma Beyer’s glass doo-dad cabinet that for many years held sacred glass gewgaws and thingamajigs from the the thirties and forties.  Mom inherited it and put all new grandma-treasures in it.

20150702_130319The cabinet holds all manner of precious vacation souvenirs, graduation photos of my sisters and brother and I, weird animal salt-and-pepper shakers, candle holders, souvenir plates, Precious Moments figurines, Hummels, pictures of long-gone relatives, and a variety of other things that each has a story behind it, a long and lovely story of years and tears and fears and more years.   It is a cabinet full of memories and celebrations.  Collectibles and corny joke items.  There is no price that ever could be put on it, and one day it will all be given away.

Mom has collections of stuff everywhere.  Christmas stuff, Thanksgiving stuff, and stuff on display just because Mom likes it sort of stuff.  Much of it is antique simply because the people are old and have kept this stuff long enough to make it antique.  It is displayed in every available nook and cranny and corner of the house.

20150702_13041420150702_130304And, of course, what every visitor to Mom’s house most wants to see are the dolls.

She was a very talented porcelain doll maker.

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20150702_130355 20150702_130433 20150702_130710 20150702_130736 20150702_130805The art that is most important of all in my mother’s house, though, are her greatest and most valuable creations.  That would be US.

we5

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The Uncritical Critic

The Lyric Theater on Main Street, Belmond, Iowa

The Lyric Theater on Main Street, Belmond, Iowa

My family took me to the movies last night.  We went to see Jurrassic World.   We went to the local hometown theater in Belmond, a place that I first went to movies at in the 1960’s for I don’t remember what… well, I’m old… you can’t always remember early childhood when your old brain is clogged with fermenting memories and nostalgia on steroids.  I saw Battle for the Planet of the Apes here.  I saw Tarzan and the Valley of Gold here.  Bedknobs and Broomsticks, The Gnome-Mobile, The Love Bug… Disney movies, Christmas movies, musicals, cartoons, westerns… science fiction… This was an important feature of my Midwestern Iowegian childhood.  I watched all kinds of movies here, and they were all the best movies I have ever seen.  Even the really bad ones.  Even Harum Scarum with Elvis Presley.  I love movies with the uncritical heart of a seven-year-old boy.

640_jurassic_world_embed1I know in my stupid old head that some movies are better than others.  I know enough about movie-making and story-telling to know that Jurassic Park was a better movie than Jurassic World.  I know that these two movies are better than Jurassic Park, the Lost World and infinitely better than the hot mess that was Jurassic Park III.  But I love them all.  Formula or not.  Consistent plot or not.  Humor that is actually funny or simply sad enough to make you groan.  I watch practically anything that flickers with an uncritical eye.  I have never walked out of a movie theater before the Best Boy and Key Grip’s names have appeared in the credits.  I would especially never walk out of this particular theater.  Who I am is pretty much shaped by the movies I have seen..

Why does this poster-saurus want to eat the pretty red-head's head?

Why does this poster-saurus want to eat the pretty red-head’s head?

And Jurassic World is a good movie.  The characters are engaging.  You are sucked into the drama to the point that if either of the two kids are eaten by dinosaurs, you will be totally devastated and may actually die in your seat because you have been jumping and flinching with every scare they get, and for at least part of the movie you are seeing everything through their eyes.  And the heroic Chris Pratt character allows you to stride boldly through the dinosaur-infested jungle with deadly velociraptors at your side.  You get to be a bit of a bad-ass… er… bad donkey, as you tackle the man-made monster dinosaur at the center of the monster-movie disaster.  Movies are supposed to surprise you and give you something new.  (But I don’t mind when the story hits certain predictable patterns and cliches.)  This movie let me have the pleasant surprise of the villainous velociraptors of the first movie transforming into the heroes of this movie (but they did eat a few minor characters along the way… and one human villain… though I hope the poor velociraptor didn’t get a stomach ache from that icky old guy).  If you are looking for a reliable movie review to gauge the quality of the movie, you probably shouldn’t be looking at this article.  I am not really a critic.  I love movies beyond the point where sanity, reason, and critical thinking can actually protect you from cinematic evils.

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Butterflies and Blossoms

A Red Admiral butterfly...

A Red Admiral butterfly…

I am temporarily at home in Iowa, visiting the farm where my grandparents and great grandparents have owned the land and raised crops for over 100 years.  My parents live there now in retirement, and while somebody else tends the corn and rents the land, they maintain the yard and grow flowers.  Retirement is hip deep everywhere around the place.  My old retired self and my wife and my kids are all descended upon them just like the butterfly who came to sample the purple flowers on the porch trellis.  Little work gets done.  My wife and eldest son have jobs and contribute to society still, but we retired folks putter and stutter and watch the butterflies flutter.  We watch the kids and the flowers grow.

The Family Farm House

The Family Farm House

Watching stuff grow has always pretty much been what farming-family Iowegians do.  Corn and soybeans, watermelon, pumpkins. cucumbers, string beans, sweet corn, pop corn, strawberries, potatoes… at one point or another I have helped to plant, tend, harvest, and eat all of those things… well, not seed corn and field soybeans… you can’t directly eat those… but you know what I am talking about, making things grow to feed myself and my family.  There is satisfaction in working the land and making things grow… a fundamental feeling of achievement that helps us feel like we are not mere parasites, consuming and wasting and decimating… we build for the future rather than take maximum profit at the present moment.  Farmers are the good guys.

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Only, not so much any more.   For our family farm, with three grandsons (of which I am one) available to do it, none of us have become farmers.  The next generation after us includes no farmers either.  So that fundamental feeling of achievement is basically a memory now.  Only a memory and nothing more.  Feeding the world has become somebody else’s problem now.  We are watching the flowers grow.

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Is there value in old farmers watching the flowers grow?  Of course there is!  The land is still functioning farm land.  Iowa is still the breadbasket of America.  We still feed the world.  And we who own the land are at least providing the flowers and the nectar necessary to feed butterflies.  The beauty, as well as the meaning and the metaphor, is there for anyone who wants to see it.

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Winning Easy

20150628_124803Now that Captain Action finally liberated my X-Box from the evil Dr. Evil who was holding it for ransom and not letting me play EA Sports Baseball ’04, I have been able to play Baseball ’04 again.  (It happened in this blog; Dr. Evil’s Removable Brain)  I have been playing this video game now with a passion, as you can plainly see.  You are probably aware that the St. Louis Cardinals are my very favorite team in any and all sports.  Notice, please that I have just pitched Matt Morris’ 30th victory against no defeats over stinky old steroid-fueled Roger Clemens.  It was also his 9th shut out of the season.  This is the first 30-game-winning season since Denny McLain in Detroit, in the 1968 season.  I only had to replay the entire 2004 season 4 times to get there.  Oh, and Albert Pujols has hit 114 home runs and Scott Rolen hit his 70th and 71st in this game.   You are certainly smart enough to figure out by now that I have left the difficulty level of this game permanently set at the Rookie level.  Hey, I’m old.  I like easy wins.

A close-up of the Flower Wagon's first bloom.

A close-up of the Flower Wagon’s first bloom.

This is true in so many areas of my life.  The flower wagon that I posted about on Friday is another evidence of my dedication to the philosophy of the easy win.  It was a victory over many things… depression, tragedy, Texas gully-washers that keep on coming, the tragedy of an old toy that no longer gets played with… things where my decrepit old self with six incurable diseases needs desperately to win.

Flowers in our yard in general are a victory of sorts.  This is Texas.  A couple of summers back we were in a severe drought with like 99 days in a row of high temperatures of 100-plus.  Flowers in June in Texas are a bit of a miracle.  Good flower pictures recently taken are another miracle.  My cell phone camera takes so much better pictures with all its automatic settings than my digital camera which cost twice as much, that it makes me wonder why I ever bothered with it.

A Yellow Rose of Texas in our yard.

A Yellow Rose of Texas in our yard.

Another yellow perennial that came up due to funky wet weather.

Another yellow perennial that came up due to funky wet weather.

Of course, this is pictures the easy way because I am not trying to adjust the color balance (in spite of partial color-blindness), or the brightness compensation, all by my own little self with my modest-to-insignificant photography skills.  (I am just skilled enough at photography to recognize a great work of art photographed by someone else, not skilled enough to take one myself.)

I am retired now.  I have had a long hard career as a public school teacher, and I am working hard at being a good writer (professional or not) in retirement.  I figure I deserve the odd easy win.  Using my writing skills to tackle toxic ideas like prejudice and politics recently I was able to score some real points with some of my very conservative friends.  I discovered by concentrating on the things they believe which I agree are very good things, I was able to make them consider a more liberal point of view, and not cling to Fox-News-sort-of faux-Fox-facts.  I can even get them to laugh at things like saying “Fox-News-sort-of faux-Fox-facts” because it sounds funny even if you are only reading it silently in your head.  It is an example of arguing towards an Easy Win, and I have become an addict.

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Taking the Road Home

The Road HomeI was once offered a hundred dollars for this oil painting of State Highway 3 in Iowa.  The art collector who offered it was a fellow teacher at the time.  He didn’t really know much about painting.  He collected wooden Santos, or carved saints from Mexico, and he had bought wooden carousel horses before.  He was very knowledgeable about wooden sculpture from Mexico, but kind of a dithering old fool who was actually going blind at the time from cataracts when it came to other kinds of art.  He wanted to encourage me as an artist, although he couldn’t really see the painting very well.  I loved the old guy, but blind guys shouldn’t really be teachers (unless they have Daredevil level hearing skills), and they definitely shouldn’t try to evaluate art that they can’t see by touching.   I was flattered, but also very happy I held on to the painting instead of selling it.

You see, this is literally the road home.  Traveling west on Highway Three, you only have to go a couple more miles down this road to reach the little town where I grew up, Rowan, Iowa.  And I am going home this week.  My parents live on what used to be the Raymond Aldrich farm.  Up ahead in the painting you turn right on the gravel road north to reach the connecting gravel room that takes you to Grandpa and Grandma’s farm house, where my parents, in their 80’s now live.  In many ways it is a journey into the past.  I have a class reunion of the Belmond High School Class of 1975 on July 3rd.  I get to revisit the town where I grew up and the family farm which always used to be the center of my world even though we lived in a different house in the town of Rowan.  My whole family of 5 is going along.  My sisters and their families will also be there.  It is worth the 700-plus mile trip, which we are doing today.  Soon, the picture becomes reality.  I thank my lucky stars I never sold it.

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The Flower Wagon

My life has more-or-less become an exercise in making the best out of a bad situation.  Believe me, I know yours is probably the same and I am bemoaning the common condition of us all, but we do what we do and it doesn’t get easier just because we do it daily.  So today’s post is about the flower wagon.

20150531_193228Now, if you are truly fool enough to read a lot of my purple paisley prose in this basically boring blog, you may have seen references to the flower wagon before this.

Last year, doing yard work, I had an inordinate amount of crushed live-oak acorns from the street near where we park our cars.  Our oaks were excessively reproductive that year because, I guess they found the weather unusually sexy or something.  So I had copious amounts of crushed acorn.  In fact, before I got it all scooped up, a little bit of rain had turned it into the acorn-equivalent of peanut butter… goopy, sticky, and unpleasant to touch.  Most of it went into the compost bin, but the last little-red-wagon load got left in the little red wagon to get snowed on, frozen solid, and snowed on again.

We love that little red wagon.  When the kids were small, we used it to pull them around SeaWorld in San Antonio and AstroWorld in Houston.  It went all over the country with us on summer vacation, and was the Princess’ personal coach and four (provided she allowed the cooler full of ice for water, soda, and fruit to share the ride).

So, the neglected little red wagon turned into a rust-bucket lawn ornament this spring, and it was busy growing a bumper crop of weeds in all that acorn peanut butter… fertile stuff, acorn peanut butter.  So I decided to plant flowers.  I got some Walmart zinnias and some wildflowers, spending about a dollar fifty all told, pulled the weeds by hand, and sprinkled flower seeds all over it.  We are all sad to see the lonely little wagon deteriorating and being demoted to lawn ornament status, but it seemed like we had a possibility of new life within reach.

This spring, with the monsoon rains Texas apparently borrowed from Asia and the Philippines, I did not even have to bother myself with watering.  If anything, there was too much water… flash-flood-warning-daily sort of too much water.  So I have been patient… watching and weeding.  And then…

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20150626_084717The first blossom bloomed and turned color yesterday while we were picking up number one son from the airport.  Old things can produce new things.  Decay and age lead to blossoming new life.  There has to be a balance between happy and sad.  I am trying like heck to be a humorist, but I have learned the lesson that you can’t be laughing all the time.  But here is proof that after the rains come the flowers.  And I am laughing now.

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Texas Airport Adventures

20150625_114933Ah, Love Field, the scent of baking asphalt heavy in the air… even indoors where it is nominally air-conditioned (the word nominally here meaning “in name only”), people rushing about like lemmings and hamsters (though not the cool hamster-people of the recent car commercials), and air-port workers moving at the speed of airport business transactions (slower than molasses outdoors at Christmas during a blizzard).

Number One Son, the Marine home on leave, gave me the heads-up when he texted me at 7:45 am that he would be arriving “around 11:00”.  I knew he would be flying in… but it didn’t occur to him to give me any details.  What is the flight number?  What airline are you on?  What airport?  Remember, there are two big ones in the DFW area.  So, like all men who don’t know which end their own heads are attached to, I asked my wife.  “Love Field” was all she said.

Now, this is partially good news.  Love Field is small… compared to DFW.   I could most probably catch him at the cattle-gate where all the passengers come out of the concourse through the same door.  If you look carefully at the picture, you may spot the reflection of my be-hatted old head forlornly watching the ramp up to the cattle-gate.

20150411_130035My number-two son, Henry, and my daughter, the Princess, were both waiting with me.  While we were waiting, they were bickering again.

“Jeez, Princess, if you bathed more often, you would smell a lot better than you do now!”

“I don’t stink any worse than you do, Henry!” she retorted, “And I bathe as often as you do.”

“I just had a shower last night!”

“Well, so did I.  I took a shower right after you!”

Before the blows and the beatings began I said in a grouchy voice, “Can we not have a stink-fight right now, please?”  The air-conditioner in the car only works poorly and part of the time… We also had to park out in the sun on the deck of the airport parking garage.  And it was a long walk in the sunshine of hot-old Texas to get where we were at that moment.  All of that pretty much was the reason for verbal combat and aroma follies.

“Where is he, Dad?” asked the Princess who complains right up to my patience-capacity red-line.  “Shouldn’t he be here already?”

“I texted him, but I don’t think that Houston flight at 11:00 was actually the one that he is on.”

Suddenly I got the “Where are you?” text from number one son.

“We’re at the exit waiting.”

“At DFW?”

“Oh, gawd no!” I said.  I started to hustle the two stink-warriors back towards the distant car.  “We’re at loVe FIeld.”  I hate when my finger is too big to hit the right key while texting and not simultaneously hit another key as well.

“Oh, hang on.”

I held my breath.

“That may be the one I’m at,” said the next text.

So, I halted the rushed exodus towards the $6 parking fee and the mad rush across the metroplex to the other airport.  I was still holding my breath a bit… and turning slightly purple when…  There he was with his guitar case, Marine backpack, and a rather silly grin on his face.

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The Haunting 2 ; The Wicked Witch of Creek Valley

If a horror movie is going to succeed as a movie franchise, the most serious challenge is to make a good #2,  So, for the sequel to The Haunting, I will tell you about the Wicked Witch of Creek Valley.  I hope to haunt her when I become a ghost, I really do.  And I should explain to you why.

witch of creek valley

My first job in the Dallas Fort-Worth area was at Creek Valley Middle School.  I was hired there by Dr. Witchiepoo (most likely not her real name… though not to protect the innocent).  She was a very prim and proper sort who had a reputation as a really good principal for earning high test scores on the State tests.  When she hired me, it was because I could demonstrate from school-district records that I, as the only 7th grade English teacher in the South Texas school district, was responsible for improving writing scores, above the State targets for the increasingly difficult and high stakes writing tests.  She was good at recruiting talented people for her school.  She was not, however, very good at treating talented teachers as human beans… er, I mean human beings.

I was assigned to be the #2 English teacher in Team #2 of the Eighth grade.  I soon discovered that I was #2 because #1 was one of Witchiepoo’s favorite teachers.  Now, I don’t blame #1 for that.  She was a nice teacher who loved students and didn’t understand why she got all the best students and the best treatment at faculty meetings.  I, and two other English teachers had to handle all the thugs and discipline cases.  In fact, the History teacher on our Team was also a basketball coach, and he shared with me the fact that all the worst kids in the 8th grade were in my English classes.  Classes of not less than 24 kids and not more than 30, for two consecutive class periods (double-dipping kids in reading and writing for two of the five major tests on the all-important State tests) can be a nightmare when they are packed with discipline problems.  I had five special education students who were all emotionally disturbed.  I had a bipolar teenage girl in one class who refused to take her medications and was not even identified by the special education department.  I had to find out about that one from the mother when discussing incidents in the class room.  Juggling that many wackos is possible, but you have to be properly informed and prepared.  And I was handling them as well as it is possible to do.

But, Dr. Witchiepoo did not like the way I taught.  She believed good classroom discipline is a quiet classroom, and bad kids controlled completely through fear.  I normally engaged with kids, joked with kids, listened to kids, and other things that made noise.  (Oh, my gawd!  The evil-eye looks I got from the boss.)  And I had at least one young gentleman of color that Dr. Witchiepoo wanted to see expelled for poor behavior.  The thing that ground my kippers the most about that situation was that he was actually a good-natured kid, quite likeable, and trying his hardest to meet behavioral expectations.  All of my favorite kids that ill-fated year were actually black kids.  I got the distinct impression that Dr. Witchiepoo didn’t feel the same.  Bipolar girl registered some kind of complaint about the young gentleman.  Dr. Witchiepoo was on my case to punish him daily, but without telling me what he had done wrong in my classroom.  I watch kids constantly and learn a lot about them just by looking.  Whatever this invisible behavior was, it gave Dr. Witchiepoo the fuel she needed to burn me with.  The fireball came during my evaluation.  Dr. Witchiepoo came in to evaluate my teaching methods in the class in which both bipolar girl and the young gentleman were in attendance.  She told me she didn’t have enough information for her evaluation after the first period-long evaluation (I still maintain it was because she didn’t see any bad things she could use against me).  So, she came back on another random day, un-announced, and she lucked out.  It was a day when bipolar girl was on a rampage.  I knew from the usual signals, late arrival, catty comments, and brooding silence, that bipolar girl was having a bad day.  (I have since learned that special education law specifies that my ignoring any attention-getting behaviors was the proper procedure for that kind of problem.)  While the bipolar girl was ignoring my wonderful teaching all period long because I didn’t rise to any of her bait, the principal spied the colored marker drawings that bipolar girl was occupying herself with instead of interrupting my lessons.  Principal Witchiepoo marched over to bipolar’s desk and took her markers away from her.  She didn’t shout at the girl, but she said things to her that guaranteed the retaliation that followed.  Witchiepoo put the markers on my desk, indicating that bipolar girl could not expect to get them back.  Well, then bipolar girl did interrupt my lesson and quietly got out of her seat without asking permission, walked to my desk, and took her markers back.  This is when the shouting started.  Not me, mind you.  Principal Witchiepoo and bipolar girl.  I was ordered to take my class to the library for the remaining ten minutes of the period while the Principal did whatever evil thing she intended to do to bipolar girl.

My evaluation nearly ended my teaching career.  As far as I know, bipolar girl got her markers back and maybe sat for two hours in detention.  I, on the other hand, was zeroed out in two domains on my evaluation, discipline because that was the obvious one, and promoting critical thinking in the classroom, because Witchiepoo couldn’t guarantee non-renewal with just one zero.  I was doomed from that day until the Garland school district gave me another chance to be a teacher three years later.  I felt ambushed.  The human resources officer for the district I was working for was rooting for me to get another chance, probably because he was getting other similar reports of abuses by Witchiepoo, but because I made the mistake of signing the bad evaluation, he had no recourse but recommend non-renewal of my contract.

So that is why I intend to haunt Witchiepoo.  But it will be hard to find anything scarier than she is to use against her.  The one thing a bully in a position of power like that fears most is loss of control.  To accomplish that, I will have to possess a number of her students and make them defy her.  Nothing scares a bully more than when the powerless stand up to them.

But there are drawbacks to this plan.  First of all, being inside a middle-school brain is bound to be super-yucky.  Boys often have the next closest thing to raw sewage going through their imaginations at any given time.  Girls can be full of saccharine-sickly pink clouds and butterfly-farting unicorns, or they can be darker and more super-Goth than any boy.  Possessing a boy would make me feel polluted, while to possess a girl is risking complete Silence of the Lambs levels of insanity.  So, there is that.

And worse, by now, karma has probably already caught up with Dr. Witchiepoo.  She had driven twelve teachers out of her school with her demanding micro-managing by the time the first semester had ended the year I was teaching for her.  The administration was already beginning to wonder.  The last time I talked to a colleague from Team #2 about Witchiepoo, a very talented math teacher who was also looking for a new job, I was told that she was on the verge of being fired for excessive abusive behavior against teachers and students.  And that was eight years ago now.  What are the chances that the tiger traded stripes for lamb’s wool?  So once again, my haunting plan will probably not work out.

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