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Many, Many Murphys

In both the books Snow Babies and The Bicycle-Wheel Genius I used the characters of the Magnificent Murphy Clan to weave actual people from my past into my stories.  The Murphys; Mary and Warren, Warren’s father Sean “Cudgel” Murphy, Mary’s and Warren’s kids, Danny, Dilsey, Mike, Little Sean, Daisy, Sarah, Thomas “Pumpkin” Murphy, and Baby Jane all live together in a small, four- bedroom house dubbed “Murphy Mansion”.

Here is a look at a Paffooney of the irrepressible Mary Murphy with daughter Dilsey, and Little Sean on her shoulders., 

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And here is one of my anti-hero Pirates, Mike Murphy with his little girlfriend Blueberry Bates.

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Mike has the distinction of being in all three of my Norwall Novels, a very rare character indeed.  And, NO, that doesn’t mean that he is me just because we have the same first name… Okay, maybe a little bit me, but that’s just the nature of writing silly novels about adventures through time and space and farm-town Iowa.  I’m hoping to make you curious enough to buy one of my books.  Catch a Falling Star is available as a hardback, paperback, or e-book from Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and the link here to I-Universe.  But I know you are far too smart for me, and I can never hook you just on the strength of my nerdy humor or my implausible Paffoonies.  Here’s hoping a look at the Murphys will help.

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Valerie Clarke; the Latest Paffooney

Valerie Clarke; the Latest Paffooney

I submitted my 2012 novel Snow Babies to a novel writing contest. I learn more about the results November 30th. I have a lot riding on this contest, but the book will get published if I have to print it by hand.

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November 19, 2013 · 3:23 am

Mixing the Old Gray Matter with Color

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(This old picture paffooney won a blue ribbon at the Wright County Fair in 1979.)

 

I am repeatedly told by people willing to tell me all the many things I am doing totally wrong in social media marketing that I should be creating fresh new content every day for blogs and Facebook.    Ooftah!  I don’t work hard enough as a teacher and a writer already?  I have to imitate George Takei and master the internet just to make headway as a writer?  It makes me wonder why I am actually doing what I am doing.

So why am I doing what I am doing?

First of all, I am an artist.  I have always been one no matter what else was going on in my life.  Arthritis limits my drawing time.  Teacher work-time limits it more.  Still, I like to blog and I like to post Paffoonies.  Now, I know perfectly well you are saying, “What the heck is a Paffooney?”  I also know you are probably using stronger language than “heck”.   A Paffooney is a piece of full-color art that I have created matched with a silly little essay.  It takes a lot of work unless I do like today and re-post old pictures with new flubbergraphy.  (What’s flubbergraphy, you say?  Oh, don’t start!)

Secondly, I do have important things to say.  I have a somewhat rough road as a parent, the thing that led me to write Catch a Falling Star, a YA Sci-fi novel about an intelligent alien invader race that eat their own young.  You can tell it’s a comedy just by that, right?  Just because  my kids always do the opposite of what they should do and never listen to my hard-won wisdom, it doesn’t mean I’m thinking about cooking and eating them.   That would require a whole lot of ketchup, right?

My contest-submission novel, Snow Babies, is about loneliness and loss, about dealing with mental disorders like being bi-polar, and how you help people who are lost in the metaphorical snow.  It is a hilarious comedy about freezing to death and suicidal thoughts.  Dang, I have such humorous themes, huh?

Now, when I have the chance to write my newest novel, The Bicycle-Wheel Genius, it will be about lonely old men befriending young boys, murder, government agents, and time-travel.  It also has a parallel subplot  about a little boy who thinks he is a girl.  Cross-gender angst and goofy stuff like that.  I am making comedy out of suffering, fantasy out of science, and hoo-hah out of oh, no!

So, now I have made the complete mistake of telling you all my goofy plans as a writer.  Unrealistic and impossible fictionary goals from a foo-bah who really believes that stories can change the world and ideas can save humanity from itself.  If you have an ounce of sense, you will forget every last word of mine you have ever read and swear to delete me from the internet at every possible opportunity.  But I am counting on you not having any sense.

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Call Them Action Figures, Not Dolls

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Yes, I am an addict.  I have a mania for buying dolls… er, I mean, action figures.   It began when I was nine back in 1965.  Yes, G.I. Joe got me hooked.  Specifically, the G.I. Joe sailor.  I still have that sorry pusher.  He has detached arms held on by strings and the shirt that he wears.  He is play-worn and so far from mint that he’s only valuable to me.   I still have the Marine dress uniform hat on him, the sole surviving piece of the second costume set I ever got for him.  The first costume, given to me for the same birthday, big number nine, was the frogman uniform, long since disintegrated into black rubber pulp.

Of course, it wasn’t exactly like my sister’s Barbie.  Yes, the idea was to buy costume after costume, the drive for fashion being the primary source of income for Hasbro and Mattel.  I did a bit of that.  But in 1966 I wanted the German G.I. Joe from the Montgomery Ward Christmas Catalog for my birthday.  Mom and Dad bought me my first Captain Action instead.  After many tears and bitter disappointment, I actually started to play with it.  Christmas brought the Aquaman suit for Captain Action, along with the German G.I. Joe.  After that, Spiderman… Captain America… more Joes, and a 1969 G.I. Joe Mercury capsule complete with astronaut.  Man!  What you could get back then for less   than twenty dollars!

So this is the foundation of my obsession.  Of course, as a child I did not have my own money to spend.  I always wanted more than birthdays and Christmases could account for.   Once I became an adult and had my own money… look out!  I could’ve impoverished myself had I not established the rules for my personal collection.  Twelve inch action figures are rule number one.  Rule number two is twenty dollars or less.  I try hard not to break those rules.  The collection has grown all out of proportion.

I got married, and that had an effect on my addiction too.  I began to buy Barbie action figures too.  (Heck, she’s a twelve inch figure too.)  I had kids too, but never even thought of using that as an excuse.  I bought Barbies for my beautiful wife, but if I bought action figures for my kids, then they wouldn’t be mine, and how do you explain to a six year old that you can’t actually play with that cool Batman figure?

I am showing off a few of my figures here and now.  Maybe more will come later.  But for now, it’s enough to get this terrible secret off my conscience.

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Gandalf is a 12 inch action figure bought from a sale table at Kaybee Toys.  He was $8.99 because someone had pilfered the sword from his scabbard.

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Wolverine is a pose-able PVC action figure, and 12 inches tall.  He cost $9.99 at Toys-R-Us.

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Batgirl came from the Warner Brothers Store for $9.99.

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Daredevil from Walmart.  $7.99

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Because Naked is Funny

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The nightmare is always about standing in front of class naked.  I had that nightmare as a kid.  I have it still as a teacher.  Why do I so fear having everyone see what I most don’t want them to see about me, and all of them really don’t want to see… especially if they have any ghost of an idea what that might actually look like in real life?  I would make an extremely poor nudist.  People would go blind.  Honestly.

And yet, I find myself writing about naked people far more often than is comfortable.  Why?  What’s the matter with me that the topic keeps coming up in my silly little fiction stories?  Why was it a part of my boyhood fixations that just won’t go away?  I am not a pornography writer, er, I mean erotic fiction writer, like some of the indie novelists I have met online.  I don’t actually even read that crap.  And yet, I seem to find the word “penis” used somewhere in every work of fiction that I have so far completed.  That doesn’t seem natural, does it?  Most of the instances in my fiction are not about adult people having sex.  They are instead about kid-people being caught au natural and deeply embarrassed.  They are about unwanted and unexpected revelations of what we most want to conceal about ourselves.  “No, Miss, I don’t have one of those.  And I never go to the bathroom, either.”

So why do I keep pulling the metaphorical privacy curtain away?  Because naked is funny.  Revealing the awkwardness and bare foolishness of our inner selves is what comedy is really all about.

Mark Twain once said, “Clothes make the man… naked people have little or no influence in society.”  This is a very wise saying that is probably entirely true, and is only mentioned here so that I can quote Mark Twain and pretend that, for a moment at least, I have grown suddenly and comically profound.  But I do think that clothes are the person we construct on the outside of ourselves to influence others and convince them of the lie that we are actually in control of anything at all in our goofy lives.  Under the clothes is more nearly the truth.  We do not choose what we look like.  Our birthday suit leaves no room to make any kind of impression other than, “what a silly-looking blob of naked pink fat that one is!”  And this is why I will at some point in a story strip my characters naked and reveal things about them that they would really rather hide.

Of course, you may have realized about the previous purple-faced paragraph that I am speaking at least partly metaphorically when I say I “strip my characters naked and reveal things about them that they would really rather hide.”   It is the person inside that you are trying to reveal, not necessarily the naked person.   It is probably inappropriate to dwell too much on nakedness when you write primarily for younger readers, even if you have pretensions of writing Mark-Twain-like literary quality kids’ lit the way I allegedly do.  Can you write a book like the Diaries of Adam and Eve in this day and age?  Probably not.  After all, it has naked people in it!

This topic comes up because of my first completed novel (not yet published) called Superchicken.  In that story, the main character, a seventh grader pictured in this week’s paffooney, is asked to be a guest on a camping trip by a pretty young girl who owes him a big favor.  But when she tells him it’s a naturist camp, he thinks that means they study nature and do back-to-nature stuff like making a fire with sticks.  Needless to say, he is surprised to learn that her very liberal parents are allowing her to invite him to a campground full of naked people.  Naked is funny.  But the book will invariably get me into trouble and called a pervert repeatedly.   But should I avoid trying to publish it because of that?  I think…  heck, I could make a lot of money with that kind of controversy.  

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The Rest of the Possible Paffooney Gallery

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“In the Land of Maxfield Parrish”

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“By Command of the Sea Witch”

 

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“The Alchemist in his Frozen Keep”

 

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“Mike Murphy and Blueberry Bates”

 

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“Prinz Flute, Fliegen Zum Der Zauberburg”

 

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“The Sword Fight at Mouse Castle”

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A Gallery of Possible Paffoonies

A Gallery of Possible Paffoonies

These are some old colored-pencil drawings that represent some of my best art.

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November 3, 2013 · 8:25 pm

Teacher! Ooh-Ooh! Teacher!

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I have the privilege of being a public school teacher.  Or maybe I should use the word “cursed”.   It is no easy thing to be a teacher in the modern world.  Regressive State governments like Texas mandate that teachers do more with less.  We have to have bigger classes.  We have to show higher gains on State tests.  We have to do more for special populations based on race, disability, language-learner status, and socio-economic status.  Of course, we give money to private schools to be “fair” to all, so a majority of the well-funded and advantaged students are removed from the public school system, even though studies show that their presence in classes benefits everyone.  When the majority of students are low-income in a single classroom, even the gifted minority perform less well.  When higher-income students are at least fifty per-cent of the class, then even the low-income and learning disabled make higher gains than the minority gifted in the first example class.  So, there’s my triple-downer bummer for this post.  You might think that I would agree with Republicans in this State that the lower classes are not worth investing in.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

The fact is, my fondest memories from thirty-one years as a public school teacher come from the downtrodden masses, the poor, the oddballs, the disadvantaged, and even the truly weird.

Okay, so here’s the funny and heart-warming part.  I have a Hispanic English Language Learner right now who looks at the beard I have grown and calls me, “my friend Jesus”.  I have to constantly remind him that, “If I were the son of God, my son, then I would be using lightning bolts for discipline a little more often.”  He grins at me and answers, “Yes, my Jesus.”  He’s a sneaky sort, more dedicated to games and messages on his i-phone than learning.  He is more into working with the girls in small groups so that he can come out appearing much smarter without putting out very much actual work.

I remember one particularly challenged boy who didn’t talk in class at all.  He could make sounds, however.  Constantly during classes with this student in them, there would be numerous “meows” and birdcalls.  Grunts and groans and whistles would fill the air.  Most of the noises came from him.  The ones that didn’t, came from those who imitated him.  It reached a point that I was having to teach a classroom full of Harpo Marxes .  When asked about it, he claimed he had a sore throat all the time and just couldn’t talk.  Many of his teachers thought he was merely sabotaging class so he wouldn’t have to do any work.  But just like when you put a harp in front of Harpo, this boy had hidden talents, and just was not being engaged on his own level.  He was really quite bright if you could learn to communicate with him in Harpo Marxian.

I had another student who read all the existing Harry Potter books forward and backwards, and inside out.  He even looked like the actor who played Harry in the movies, glasses and all.  He was treated like a radioactive being by his classmates, and although he was charming and funny and had a natural talent for manga-style drawings of people, nobody seemed to treat him like a friend. (The paffooney picture I drew for this post was inspired by him.)    He was a jovial loner.  I was able to tap into his natural abilities for the Odyssey of the Mind creativity contests we participated in during the early 2000’s.  I helped him find nerd friends who also knew all the words to the Spongebob Squarepants theme. 

I have a Chinese girl in class who shared the Spongebob boy’s fascination with manga-style art.  She’s a different bird all together.  She gets my jokes and thinks I am funny.  But she never laughs.  She never even cracks a smile.  She is so careful and complete in every assignment that it is very nearly painful to watch.  Grades are serious matters to her.  If her grade drops from 100 to 98, she wants to audit the teacher’s grade book to find out why.  She does everything in class in beautifully crafted Chinese writing, and then translates it all word-for-word into English.

I owe my teaching career to kids like these.  When I started my career in 1981 for $11,000 per year, I was employed by a school that had total disciplinary meltdown the year before.  I had to deal with hostility, impossible behavior-modification tasks, fire crackers in the classroom, student fights, bullying, and a language/cultural gap wider than the Grand Canyon.  That first year, I was planning to resign at the end of the year and try to figure out what else I could do with my life when a small Hispanic boy with a Scottish family name came up beside me on the playground one March day and said, “Mr. Beyer, I hope you know you are my favorite teacher.  You are the reason I liked school this year.”

I didn’t let him see that there were tears in my eyes.  I told him something about him being my favorite student.  And I gave up thoughts about giving up.  I lived the next thirty years of my career for him.

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What I Wish You Knew About Teaching

Do you ever wonder what it’s like to be a teacher. Then you’ve got to read this.

LKP's avatarJourneys of Commitment

“This class makes me want to die!” he yells as he slams the laptop screen shut. He stands up, knocks his chair to the floor, and walks out of my classroom. Rather, he storms out. Rather, he stomps out. Rather, he slams my door shut in his manner of leaving that is now becoming all too typical. Freak out. Yell. Throw around some expletives. Leave.

Super.

But you know what? Of course this class makes him want to die. Of course. It’s a remedial literacy period. It’s an entire class period wholly devoted to the particular area of school that makes him feel completely incompetent. It’s a class where time is spent on the thing he’s learned to hate the most, that requires all of his mental energy, and that seldom shows him the fruits of his labor. Re-learning how to read sucks. Re-learning how to write sucks. It’s like…

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From My Stuffed Animal Collection; Mama Clown and Baby Clown

From My Stuffed Animal Collection; Mama Clown and Baby Clown

Baby Clown was once my oldest son’s favorite woobie. He doesn’t remember that time when he was two and three, but he did say that these clowns now creep him out.

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October 22, 2013 · 11:23 pm