Category Archives: humor

December 16, 2014 · 7:00 pm

Magical Moments

There comes a time, a moment of truth, in which a decision has to be made, a problem has to be solved. In the teaching business those moments can occur once per hour, or fifty times in the space of two minutes. You can bat 900, hit nine out of every ten out of the park, and still come out on the losing end. More often than not, you lose. You continue to get it wrong, and you feel totally defeated at the end of the day. No World Series of education for you. Sorry about that. But once in a while, you do not fail. You say the perfect thing to diffuse the situation. You think of the perfect example that, once explained, turns on every light bulb in every head in the room. That is magic. That is the reason you teach.

I am writing a novel right now, The Magical Miss Morgan, about a teacher. Without making a mystery about it, the teacher in the story, Miss Francis Morgan, is really me. I am basing this story on things that actually happened to me. Now, before the yelling and the accusations start, I will confess that I realize I am a male teacher and the main character is female, and there are things a female teacher does all the time, like hugging a student, that a male teacher can never do. And I must also confess that this teacher I am writing about loves all her students, even the ugly and stupid ones, and that is probably only true for teachers who really are magical. I further realize that the fairies in the story, just like the ones in Peter Pan, are not real outside of the story being told. I’m not insane… well, okay, I’m a teacher… a middle school teacher… so let’s just say I am not completely insane.

But there is real magic. It happens in that moment when you desperately need that perfect solution to pop out of the magic hat like a white rabbit and say, “Howdy!” Because if you have the courage to reach into that hat and pull the rabbit out, more often than not, it is there. And it doesn’t end when the teaching ends. I hit the wall with this novel at about 30,000 words. I wrote myself into a corner with no way out. But then I realized that I already had the answer. I am basing this story on what really happened. So, all I have to do is turn me into her and sprinkle some fairy dust, and voila! the rest of the novel is already plotted and as good as written. Everything fell into place in only a moment.

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Filed under humor, NOVEL WRITING, Paffooney, teaching

Tagged as colored pencil, goofiness, humor, magic, novel writing, Paffoonies, teaching, YOUNG ADULT WRITING

December 15, 2014 · 11:33 pm

Me, Myself, and It

I think it is provably true that any time an artist creates a work of art, it is actually a self-portrait. Did you see the works of Thomas Kinkade and Paul Detlafsen in my recent posts? Can I not effectively argue that those paintings give you a glimpse of the real person behind the paintbrush? Was Norman Rockwell not the man portrayed in all those lovely down-home, truly American oils he did? Was Theodor Giesel not also Dr. Seuss? Then I look back at some of the goofy pictures that I have created through the years and think, “Oh no! What have I done?” I sometimes think I don’t have to post nude selfies of myself for people to see me naked. Should I really have done that…? …Of course, I should! And that means I have seen William Shakespeare naked too! Good Golly! I have to quit thinking these goofy thoughts!

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Filed under cartoons, goofy thoughts, humor, Paffooney

Tagged as cartoon, drawing, goofy thoughts, humor, paffooney, pen and ink, selfie

December 12, 2014 · 9:31 pm

My Own Race of Aliens

In Catch a Falling Star, the only good novel I have actually in print so far, I have a race of aliens called the Tellerons. They are an unusual sort of green men from Mars. They are green,and they have a base on Mars, but they are from a distant star system in the local group and the swampy world called Telleri that orbits that far star. The ones in my book come from the space station their empire established in the Barnard’s Star system, where the characters in my stories were all born. They are also not men. They are amphibianoid beings, frog people. They have never set foot on the home planet. Here are two aliens who are crucial characters in Catch a Falling Star.

These two are Farbick the Navigator and young Davalon the tadpole. Farbick is a very wise and loving male Telleron who gets foully treated for his racial differences. I know you and I can’t really tell by looking, but his race is Sindalusian Fmoog. You can tell by the yellowish cast to his amphibian face. Oh, and there’s something funny with his ears. Davalon is the son of the Telleron captain, Xiar. He loves Farbick who has been more of a father figure to him than Xiar has. Dav is unusually bright for a Telleron, just as Farbick is recognizably more competent than others of the Fmoogish race. You might actually think, if they were the only two Tellerons you ever met, that their people are highly inquisitive, intelligent, and have no racial prejudices at all. Of course you would be highly incorrect and most sincerely wrong.

I have started work on a sequel to Catch a Falling Star. I am calling it Stardusters and Lizard Men. It follows the crew of Xiar the Slightly Irregular’s Base Ship in their adventures following the invasion of Earth. They accidentally fix the on-board computer systems by correcting a math error in navigation that had been present for more than 100 years of star travel in the Telleron Empire. Of course this means that all of their space coordinates for every destination they know are wrong. And so, without hope of ever returning anywhere else in the universe, they arrive at Galtorr Prime, the planet of the infamous carnivorous reptile people. They will have to colonize or die. And the Galtorrians are just like Earthers, except, they have a society that is even more corrupt, greedy, prejudiced, and hateful (if such a thing is even possible). I hope to show in this story what human society may become on the path we are currently following, so it will be a kind of post-apocalyptic bit of science fiction set on a world that is not Earth.

These two female Telleron tadpoles are Brekka and Menolly. They are dancing to Mickey Mouse Club music because Tellerons, quite naturally, have been totally corrupted by Earther television shows. Galactic English, the language all Tellerons speak, is based on the language of old I Love Lucy television episodes, the favorite show on the home-worlds of the entire empire.

Meet George Jetson. He is named after one of his father’s favorite shows from the 1960’s. He is one of the Telleron tadpoles that will take the lead in exploring the dark and dangerous planet of the lizard-guys.

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Filed under aliens, artwork, colored pencil, humor, novel

Tagged as aliens, colored pencil, humor, novel characters, Paffoonies, science fiction, Tellerons

December 11, 2014 · 7:29 pm

Fog in the City (a melancholy poem)

It doesn’t come in on cat feet.

That’s probably Chicago you’re thinking of.

It comes in on the sound of screeching tires…

and ambulance sirens…

because of all the idiot drivers…

in their silver-gray WASP rockets…

that don’t know how to slow down…

or turn on their low beams…

for safety in the big, cold city of Dallas…

where the air is yellow…

except in the fog…

and rush, rush, rush…

business never waits…

for a foggy day.

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Filed under artwork, humor, irony, photo paffoonies, poetry

Tagged as artwork, fog, humor, not Sandburg's fog, photo Paffooney, photos, playing with the camera on my new cell phone, poetry, sarcasm

December 8, 2014 · 9:10 pm

The Rest of the Star Trek Collection

I am guilty of owning more dolls in my Star Trek collection. Here is the Next Generation set.

You may notice that I still have work to do. No Commander Data… No Geordy La Forge… No Wesley Crusher (if such a doll even exists)… These figures are all dressed for a TNG movie that practically nobody liked.

I also have two Star Trek Voyager dolls, Captain Janeway and Seven of Nine.

It is probable that no other figures from this series exist in twelve inches.

Captain Sisko is the only figure I have ever seen for Deep Space Nine, though I have a suspicion that more exist, at least the female crew members, and maybe that wonderfully devious Ferengi Quark.

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Filed under collecting, doll collecting, goofiness, humor

Tagged as action figures, collectibles, doll collecting, geekiness, goofiness, humor, obsession, photo Paffooney, Star Trek

December 7, 2014 · 10:23 pm

The Rules for Collecting

Oh, no… My secret is out. I am a doll collector. (Wait, wasn’t I supposed to claim they are “action figures” so that I can get away with being a man who, at the age of nearly 60, still plays with dolls?”) I got started down this dark path back in 1965 when my parents bought me a G.I. Joe sailor for my ninth birthday. It was the beginning of an addiction that has dogged me even down to this very day.

There are some things that just aren’t easy to admit to, like being gay, or being a socialist, or being a werewolf. Well, I am not gay and I am not a socialist, so don’t worry about that. Those are not really terrible things to be when it comes right down to it. I have friends that are gay, friends that are socialists, and friends that are… um… well, enough about those things. I am writing about the terrible scourge of doll collecting. In order to control such a rare and debilitating disease, I had to come up with a set of rules that would keep me from becoming a penniless hobo living in a cardboard refrigerator box in an alley with thousands of Barbie dolls. So let me explain the sacred rules that have kept me at least partially sane for almost fifty years.

Rule #1; Thou shalt only collect and obsess over twelve-inch dolls and action figures. That allows for literally thousands of choices to pursue, and rules out the many size variations like the three-inch G.I. Joe’s and the three-inch Star Wars figures and all the Mego eight-inch superheroes who were everywhere in the Seventies and Eighties, but now are rare and expensive.

Rule #2; Thou shalt not collect and obsess over dolls and figures that cost more than twenty dollars. This is the poverty prevention rule that keeps an obsession from breaking the bank and wreaking havoc throughout the rest of my life. I have only broken this rule on rare occasions for hard to acquire dolls or figures, and most of those were actually presents paid for by somebody else. I can blame the exceptions mostly on people who know about my weakness and exploit it for their own personal reasons… hopefully because they just like to make me happy.

Rule #3; Thou must seeketh the lost and forlorn doll and redeem it from destruction. Whenever I can, I look for dolls at Goodwill stores and yard sales. I have bought a ton of naked and sometimes broken Action Man, Barbie, Max Steel, Ken, and G.I. Joe dolls. I then try to find or make clothes for them. My daughter went through her Barbie period in a most destructive manner. She didn’t merely discard dolls and Disney princesses, she beheaded, dismembered, disrobed, and chewed them. I have rescued and repaired many of them, but only after securing her promise that she doesn’t want to play with them or eat them any longer. I should note, though, that I no longer acquire dolls in this way, now that she is middle school aged and wouldn’t be caught dead with a doll.

Rule #4; Thou shalt not let your daughter be the the only one who has fun pulling them apart, but you will put them back together again in ways that make them into something new.

So, these are the sacred rules of collecting which shall not be violated in the pursuit of this weird religion, the bringing together of a multitude of dolls.

That is my “Enterprise Collection” above. Specifically the “Original Series Enterprise Collection”. Look more closely.

Spock is holding a Vulcan harp-thingy (whose name I won’t quote here because I don’t want to seem too much like a Trekkie… and besides, I forgot what it is called and am too lazy to look it up again… What can I say? I’m old.) Kirk is wearing a Wrath of Khan movie uniform.

This green Barbie doll is a Goodwill rescue turned into a green Orion dancing girl with paint, sequins, material from a quilting project, and a hot glue gun.

Uhura was the hardest member of the team to track down and acquire. After Kaybee Toys went out of business, I had to turn to the internet to get hold of this beauty. I also had to pay $24.

You may also have noticed that Sulu is missing from my Original Series set. Well, I’m still working on that one. But I do owe a debt to J.J. Abrams for making a new movie version of Star Trek and inspiring a new set of twelve inch dolls.

And let me not forget Rule #5, the most important rule… Thou shalt play with the dolls you collect.

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Filed under collecting, doll collecting, goofiness, humor, Paffooney

Tagged as action figures, doll collecting, dolls, goofiness, humor, obsession, photo Paffooney

December 4, 2014 · 5:17 pm

Can You Draw Happy?

I have had to report racing heartbeats every night since I’ve been wearing the monitor. It has been recording things that I have missed. But do I really have to worry? No. The doctor hasn’t called to say go to the emergency room. I am now waking up every day with more confidence. Yay! I am still not dead! Every day is a blessing. And there is treatment to help non-lethal tachycardia. I have reason to believe I won’t be dead tomorrow too. So I will keep on writing and living and living to write, and to honor that resolution I will share the happy-doodle Paffooney that I doodled this morning after waking up not-dead.

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Filed under artwork, drawing, goofiness, humor, Paffooney

Tagged as artwork, cartoon, doodle, drawing, happy, heart attack, humor, paffooney, pen and ink

December 3, 2014 · 9:55 pm

Self Portrait and Mildly Broken Heart

Hermoine, Vintage Ricky, and Vintage Skipper are inspecting my heart monitor in this silly Paffooney Photo. I have been wearing the thing since Monday to hopefully detect an irregular heart-beat problem. It’s kinda like when you hear a knocking noise in the engine, but when you take it in to the car dealer, you can’t get it to make that sound even once. Two trips to the doctor and two EKG’s have not been enough to fix the knocking in my engine, and so I am still on a heart-attack/stroke watch. Four times in the last two nights I have felt the racing heartbeat and painful tugging sensation in my chest that could spell the instant end. But I am not worried. I now have the opportunity to lay in my bed all day and play with my toys… err… admire my collection. I apologize for Ricky not putting on proper clothes for this post, but they haven’t made clothes for a doll like him since the early seventies. They are a little hard to come by. And they always sold Barbie dolls in bathing suits when he was new to the world. So he goes about mostly naked and I have to apologize for him whenever we are in polite company.

“So, Mickey,” you are probably saying to yourself, “it’s a heart problem, not a brain problem, right?”

Well, if my hyperactive butterfly of a heart sends a clot the wrong direction, it could be a stroke, a brain-curdling, word-mincing, vegetable-making sort of brain problem. If it’s all the same to God, I’d much rather have a heart attack, thank you.

I am really, honestly not worried though. My career is ended. I can no longer get up in front of a classroom, a basically captive audience, and inflict upon them a never-ending spiel of word-wit and vocabulary-bloating that made kids laugh and love my class (based on the fact that even though they thought they were avoiding learning to write and read and speak in my English Class, we were actually practicing those things bell to bell). Though I miss it so terribly it probably isn’t helping my current condition, I really have done my job and taken my best shot at winning the ongoing War Against Ignorance. I actually make more money now on my full retirement pension than I was making month to month as a teacher. (Mostly due to deductions for health problems and absences from work). I have the chance to draw some and paint some and write a lot now. I can do more story-telling of the written-down variety, and not waste my tall tales in the very absorbent air of the classroom. I get to joke about my condition more, and hide my rotted out hulk of a body behind a computer screen so no one has to cringe while looking at my fuzzy, spotty old form. I can use words to be beautiful in the reader’s mind’s eye once more. Oh, and I made the mistake of promising to show you a self portrait. So, try to keep your lunch down, because here it is;

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Filed under health, humor, Mickey, Paffooney, philosophy, photos

Tagged as artwork, collectibles, faux feeling sorry for myself, goofiness, heart problems, humor, photo Paffooney, self portrait, silly ruminations about health

December 2, 2014 · 8:37 pm

The Rest of my Classroom Gallery

Here’s what’s left in my camera from school white boards and lessons.

There you have it, the results of 31 years of doodling on the chalkboard (which became the dry erase board). And yes, I did tell them the cartoon fairy drew all the pictures. Especially when they were in my class for the second or third year when they asked, “Who does all the pictures on the board?” And yes, I started doing this back in dinosaur days in white chalk on a green blackboard, followed by colored chalk, which later became a gray marker-board for washable marker, and finally became dry erase white board. And I really bought my own chalk and markers too. Teachers do that, you know.