Category Archives: humor

January 9, 2016 · 5:35 pm

Disney Princesses

You know that I am bad about collecting things. And on a cold, cold day, what better way to warm the cockles of my cold, old heart than to look at some of the pictures I have in my computer of Disney Princesses? Don’t inform the local loony bin about this obsession of mine… they are looking for me for enough reasons already.

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Oopsie! No tangents, please! Back to Princesses!

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Those are Princes! You big goof! In fact, some of them are not even royalty. Come on, Mickey! This is too simple to screw up! Just a collage of Disney Princesses!

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It’s getting a bit silly now, but at least silly is better than wrong.

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Umm… stick with silly, please…

Ooh, much better!

Sailor Moon? Are you kidding me?

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Why do you think Tinkerbell is a PRINCESS?!!!

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No, I think not! Don’t even try to go there!

Let me end this nonsense here by apologizing to all the many wonderful artists whose work I stole for this post. I appreciate your wonderful talents. But I think in pulling this whole thing together I should acknowledge that it would not have been possible without obsessive-compulsive behavior on my part, and mindlessly posting other people’s pictures on the part of everyone on the internet. It makes it seem that artwork belongs to all of us, and not just the artists who create it and the people who have all the money.

3 Comments

Filed under artwork, collage, humor

Tagged as artwork, collage, Disney Princesses, goofiness, humor, obsessions

January 8, 2016 · 7:40 pm

Squint Beastwood and his Action Heroes of the 70’s Face the Here and Now

Yesterday I happened upon Squint Beastwood sitting in a park in the North Dallas area. He had an empty lawn chair next to him, and he appeared to be deeply into a conversation with it.

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Squint (speaking as his character the Man with No Name); You see, chair, I have a gun. It’s a really, really big gun. And I know how to use it. I can shoot the eyes out of a peckerwood at 100 yards. (I was confused about whether he actually meant to say “woodpecker”, but his gun was so big I was afraid to ask.)

chair (speaking as itself); …

Squint (still as the Man with No Name); I just don’t get this whole second amendment thing. I mean, do I really have to have somebody’s permission to have a gun? I don’t think so. Lots of dudes have come up to me and said, “give me your gun, Josey Whales.” And I don’t have to even shoot them to keep my gun. I just squint my eyes real hard at them and chomp down on the toothpick in my mouth and say, “Are you sure you want to be asking me that? I can draw my gun and shoot so fast that you can’t blink before you’d be deader than a cold stone that died from stone cancer.” And they would just get this confused look on their faces and drop their own guns. Of course, then I would shoot them stone cold deader than a cold stone that died from stone cancer. You know what I mean?”

chair (still speaking as itself); …

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Squint (suddenly speaking as the rogue cop anti-hero Hurty Barry); Now they are pestering me about the rights of the perpetrator. They say things to me like, “Barry, you can’t just go around shooting somebody just because they were jaywalking or playing with a toy gun while making the mistake of being black.” But I don’t get that. There are no crimes committed around me because I just look at the perpetrator and say, “I know you are thinking about committing a crime, criminal. But you gotta ask yourself, can he really shoot me before I can dial 911 on a cell phone? You’ve been texting a lot, and have lots of practice, and probably think you can snap a picture of me and text Hurty Barry just violated my civil rights before I can shoot you in the head and make you stone cold deader than a cold stone that died of stone cancer. So, do ya feel lucky, punk?”

And then I shoot them in the head. The world is suddenly a safer place. Why would anybody assume that somebody who is thinking of committing a crime has a right to a fair trial to determine if they actually committed a crime or not? You just don’t know people the way I know people. They are all criminals, rapists, murderers… and some, I assume are good people, but I think we should just shoot them stone cold deader than a cold stone that died of stone cancer and let God sort them out on judgement day.

chair (still speaking as itself)…

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Buck Cheston, former leader of the NPA (National Pistol Association) and star of movies like Planet of the Grapes wanders up and speaks as himself instead of one of his numerous movie characters; Squint, old man, I see you have been talking to chairs again. And you are afraid that Obama and his jack-booted government thugs are going to take away your guns.

Squint (still speaking as Hurty Barry); No, Buck. Nobody takes away my guns. I am just upset that society seems to think we should talk about our problems and find peaceful solutions, instead of solving problems with violence.

Buck (still speaking as leader of the NPA… even though he is actually dead now); I agree with you that we can never solve this country’s problems as long as liberals and government types want to take away our guns. Whether it is a matter of going to war with Iran, or keeping peace on the streets of Baltimore, the solution is not to take guns out of the hands of good guys with a gun. We have to be able to shoot bad guys with a gun, and shoot to kill. They will never get my guns until they pry them from my cold dead hands.

Squint (suddenly shifting back to being the Man With No Name); But, Buck, aren’t you dead of old age already?

Buck (speaking now as a dead man who is deader than a cold stone that died of stone cancer); Yes, I am afraid that is so.

Squint (still speaking as the Man with No Name); Well, don’t worry, Buck. I’m still alive and I still have my gun, and if I can’t kill the bad guy, then he must be immortal.

Buck (still speaking as a dead man); You know, Squint, you haven’t been talking to anyone who is actually alive for this entire conversation.

Squint (finally speaking as himself); I will definitely have to kill somebody for that. Somebody needs to die.

The chair began shivering uncontrollably.

4 Comments

Filed under cartoons, gun control, humor, Paffooney

Tagged as cartoons, gun control, old men with big guns, paffooney, prejudice, satire, Squint Beastwood

January 7, 2016 · 3:47 pm

New Toys in 2016

Being a doll collector with an advanced case of hoarding disorder, I am always finding new stuff to buy. And my mother made the mistake of giving me a gift card for Christmas. Well, after-Christmas sales are started. Toys that were mauled by Christmas shoppers are set out for clearance prices in slightly damaged boxes. The opportunities are endless.

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I had thought my MLP collection was complete when I bought Fluttershy (on the left). But I found Lemon Zest (the pink horse-girl with lemon-yellow eyes) for less than ten dollars. Walmart is apparently trying to clear the shelves of the scourge of My Little Pony dolls that has infested them for about four years now.

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Kristoff from Frozen and Deerla from the Netflix thing called Happily Ever-After High School were both clearance items for slightly more than five dollars.

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Kristoff completes a Frozen set. I can die happy now.

But maybe not just yet…

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I also found a twelve-inch PVC figure of Finn from the new Star Wars movie. Is that the beginning of a new collection? I guess I can’t die just yet. And I am still happy.

New Dawns for 2016

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You may recall that one of my obsessive-compulsive collection-addictions is pictures of the dawn sky over eastern Carrollton and Dallas. So far I have only taken two. Through Sunday I was still sleeping late with no children to drop off at school. Just so the numbers match, here is number two;

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So, why not three, you say? Today is Wednesday after all? Well, I can’t take a picture of the sunrise when it is overcast and threatening cold rain. We may have our share of clouds on the horizon this year, with El Nino raging to the West and the jet stream dipping down to Mexico to deliver freezing Arctic blasts thanks to climate change. Does that mean I expect bad things to be coming my way? Of course I do. I am old. I have six incurable diseases, and I have survived cancer once already. I am closer now to the day I will die than I have ever been in my life. And now Donald Trump has the technical possibility of being elected President of the United States. Who says Jehovah God and the Greek goddess of History don’t have bizarre senses of humor?

But despite the ill omens and the badness I anticipate, life is still good and will not be repressed. I intend to live for all I am worth. Have I not earned it, being a public school teacher for 31 years? Have I not earned it by raising three wonderful kids, one of whom serves this country as a US Marine? Have I not earned it by picking up dog poop in the park four times a day, and sometimes more off the carpet in the house for the last four years? I believe in savoring what we have been granted, and using the gifts and abilities given to me by God. That is why I am still blogging every day for the fourteenth month in a row. And, miracle of miracles, I am not talking to the wind with no one really listening any more. When I was blogging on Xanga from 2005 to 2007, I only had one or two followers that even read my stuff… and they didn’t tune in every day. Some of you have started doing more than just looking at the pictures. I have evidence in the comments that some of you read my posts all the way to the end. I thought I was the only blogger that did that. And I had 276 views last week. 349 the week before. 9651 people viewed my blog in 2015. I have 87 views in just the three days of this week so far. I can no longer claim to be the best-written blog that nobody ever reads. I have to compete now with the other writers who write good stuff. Ooh… I am doomed. But I intend to enjoy it. I have at least one novel in the works to be published. I have another one already published that should be available at least on Amazon until well after I have curled up my toes and went for a final bye-bye. Bad things are sure to happen. But for now, the sun is still coming up every morning in my little world.

4 Comments

Filed under humor, pessimism, photo paffoonies, Uncategorized

Tagged as autobiography, bad omens, goofiness, hoarding disorder, humor, pessimism, photo collections, photo Paffooney

January 5, 2016 · 3:35 pm

Grumpy Old Mike

My middle child, my son Henry, recently found an online source that said being grumpy is not as bad for your health as people think it is. Bless his little black heart… everything on the internet is true, right? But if it is true, it could be of benefit to me. Mickey is not the only other me. There is also grumpy old Mike.

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I recently wrote a poem about being grumpy. A grumpy poet? That could be a thing, right? Here is what that poem looked like;

Grumpy (a poem about Grumpy life)

Dang it, you old grumpy man!

You annoy me as only a grumpy man can.

You grouse and growl and sometimes howl,

And pace the house like a cat on the prowl.

You worry me, weary me, and generally nasty be,

And of course you are… yes, you are… naturally me.

So why do you worry me, weary me, moan and make bother,

Now that you’re old, and you sound like your father?

Because you are cranky now, creaky with age,

And know you now, soon, the book’s turning its page.

And, though you complain, you do love your life,

And, loathe you will leave it, and your sweet-smiling wife.

Yes, I come by grumpiness naturally. It is a function of constant, nagging pain from arthritis and constant struggles with low blood sugar from diabetes. And things go so wonderfully well all the time…

Like yesterday. It was the first day after winter break, and so, since I hadn’t heard otherwise, I thought the kids had school. And they go to two different schools at two different times. So, I got up and cooked bacon for breakfast. Wife and daughter both ate happily and only complained a little bit that the bacon was too burnt and the hash browns apparently got freezer burn in the freezer. Then wife reminded me to check to be sure Henry actually had school before I took him. She got in her car and took off for the school where she teaches. Then, daughter and I got into the car and I dropped her off at her middle school. Mere minutes later she called me on her new cell phone and told me that it was a teacher work day and no school for her after all. So, I picked her up again. So, grumbling and rumbling only a little bit, because why didn’t wifey tell me it was a work day only? And then I checked on Henry’s school website. Their last day of vacation was listed as Friday, January 1st. That meant they did have school, right? So I drove him all the way there in Lewisville. There was only one other student there. And the door was locked. Then a principal told Henry that it wasn’t a class day. Why couldn’t they have posted it on their screwy @#$%! website. So, I went home again with the boy, and consoled myself that at least we did not have to do the afternoon pick-me-up-from-school tango with DFW area traffic.

This morning my wife got a good laugh at my expense. After complaining about the slightly burnt sausages I made, I was told in no uncertain terms that I should be humble about making mistakes and not get mad when people laugh at my follies. That was not fire coming out of my ears. Honest, it was not. I put on a happy grin. But I was told it was a sarcastic smile at best, and I should stop it. So I stopped it. I probably won’t smile again today. I bought a chocolate doughnut from QT, and I wrote about grumpiness as I ate it. It helped. I tried to find my son’s article about the health benefits of grumpiness, but, failing that, I found this article;

http://goodlifezen.com/17-sure-fire-ways-to-overcome-grumpiness/

So grumpy old Mike needs to go away now, and leave me alone. Better days are coming. And today the kids really are in school.

9 Comments

Filed under grumpiness, humor, photo paffoonies, rants

Tagged as artwork, goofiness, grumpy old Mike, humor, paffooney

January 4, 2016 · 4:16 pm

Gingerbread Town

My recent experiments with holiday gingerbread and happiness have yielded some patently artistical results. Yes, I know that isn’t a real word. But I use it anyway because I take bits and pieces and use them to make something new. You may remember the gingerbread house I made with my kids. It turned into a disaster you could eat. But I got some pictures out of it. Pictures like this;

I took one and loaded it into an art program and did this to it;

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I also took a picture of some old Christmas chocolate tins;

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I used them together with a stolen background to make this scene;

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Of course, I was not satisfied there. I had some old cartoon characters lying around. So, I wanted to use them too.

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And I ended up with an artistical art mess like this;

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If that isn’t artistical, then I don’t know what is.

2 Comments

Filed under artwork, humor, Paffooney, Uncategorized

Tagged as artwork, cartoon characters, colored pencil, composited artwork, gingerbread, humor, paffooney, photo Paffooney

January 3, 2016 · 4:47 pm

Monkey-Wild About “Peanuts”

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Yesterday the Peanuts Movie came to the dollar movie theater in Carrollton. And my two kids at home and me went to it. I invited my wife, but with the righteous indignation of a Jehovah’s Witness unshakable in her beliefs, she said, “Why would I want to go to a Christmas movie?” She associated it not with the beloved comic strip in the newspapers, but with the old Christmas special. And she would not be talked into it. It is a matter of faith, after all. Celebrating Christmas, naturally, loses you the chance to live happily ever after on a paradise Earth… after Jehovah God smites all the wicked people and all the deluded people who never worshiped him properly using his proper name, and also that rude postman my wife doesn’t particularly like. Of course, it is not a Christmas movie. The only Christmas part it has in it is a brief Christmas carol from the old TV special that Snoopy ruins. So God didn’t punish us for enjoying this movie… at least, not yet.

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We unrepentantly enjoyed the movie. I enjoyed it as a culmination of more than 50 years of reading and laughing at Charles
Schulz’s satire of the uncertainties of childhood as they affect the whole of our adult lives. My kids loved it because it is an excellent cartoon that is filled with hilarious moments that trace directly back to the comic strip.

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The central story is about Charlie Brown’s self doubts mixed with his never-ending crush on the little red-haired girl. In his own hesitant, hide-behind-the-bushes style, Charlie pursues her and plans how he might win her heart. In the comics, it never worked out. He always failed. He was always the lovable loser, and the red-haired girl never noticed.

I was inspired to write a poem about it because I could so deeply identify with his crisis of confidence. Here is that sappy poem;

Little Red-Haired Girl