Tag Archives: satire

Coke Addict

I have found to my chagrin that I have a monkey on my back, a happy monkey, but a monkey never-the-less.  This little creature is a serious need for the morning caffeine fix, an addiction to Diet Coke.  I discovered the problem as a substitute teacher eight years ago when I was supposed to take on 8th grade English classes at Perry Middle School.  I had been there before, and I knew what to expect from these kids.  They are vicious little substitute teacher eaters.  That is why there are so many bones on the floor of that middle school.  Only really tough teachers and subs survive there.

Now, I once had doubts about how tough I am as a disciplinarian.  I used to like kids too much to make some of the hardest choices.  If you like a kid, it is hard to send him or her to a detention center or alternative school.  You hate to set their little feet on a path that we teachers always say leads to prisons, gangs, and poverty.  But as a sub, I didn’t get to really know and care about them.  You learn to get them before they get you.  I enjoyed killing off a few of the worst sub-killers.  By becoming a tough, mean sub, I had developed the power to get through the day without real challenges to my authority, personal integrity, family history, and anything else that middle schoolers will try to undercut.  That tough demeanor, though, is 90 per cent Coca Cola boost.  I am in the habit of buying a Diet Coke in the teacher’s lounge before the start of classes.  I have never learned to drink coffee.  I can’t drink coffee and come away with the feeling I need to be singing “I believe I can fly…I believe I can touch the sky…” like Dilbert has been doing in the comic strips lately.

Well, you can probably see it coming.  That morning the Magic Go Juice was sold out.  Cheap gol’ dang schools let that happen way too much!  Forget the better health care for teachers, the Govenor needs to promise that the Coke machines will never run dry.  I had to face the monkies and the monsters with no spiritual armor from the little red can, actually silver can because as a diabetic, I can only drink things that are un-sugarfied.  It was a formula for pure disaster that I had faced far too often in the employ of the Wicked Witch of Creek Valley, the principal who changed me from a teacher into a substitute teacher.  Oh well, you turn extra mean as you get old.  Frowns enhanced by wrinkles are much scarier than any I used to have.  I gave the “Killer Eye of Painful Death Lurking” better than any other substitute teacher, thanks to loads of practice, and my Popeye-like squinky eye left over from an old football injury.  I made it through the day without my Diet Coke.  Does that mean I should give it up?  Horrors!  I am swilling a Diet Coke right now and trembling at the mere thought.  No withdrawal and delerium tremens for this old Coke addict.  I have chosen my poison and now will live with it.

Imagehttp://brighthall.aol.com/bloggers/megan-baker/page/2/

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Teacher Truth

All you people who’ve never set foot in a classroom where someone has announced to the world that you are a teacher, especially a middle school classroom, have absolutely no idea what teaching really is like.    Even some of you who are teachers and sincerely believe that you control behavior in a classroom, especially a middle school classroom, are amazingly deluded.

For example, take the pictures we normally look at and think, “Oh yes, that is what a classroom looks like.”  A picture like this;

bringingaba.blogspot.com

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This is, of course, total fiction.   These kiddos were bribed to raise their hand for the picture.  There is no question in the brain of any teacher anywhere in the world that can make all of these kids raise their hands at once.  Even if you say, “Who wants chocolate?” some of the students will not raise their hands because  they will think, “I have to do something to earn the chocolate, and if I have to do something, it probably involves thinking, and thinking is the last thing that they can trick me into doing.”  Of course, if you ask, “Who thinks I’m the worst teacher you ever had?” then only the kid who expects to get a perfect grade and is not willing to put that at risk will not raise a hand.  When you ask a question in a classroom, you are more likely to get no hands raised at all.  Teacher supervisors and principals always say that you have to give them enough “think-time”, but whatever that is, it is not something that students actually do.

Another thing that people don’t generally realize is demonstrated in this next picture.  But look at it very carefully;

www.edb.utexas.edu

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This is total fiction.  You can’t teach from technology.  First of all, nothing ever works.  You have to spend all your class time debugging crashed systems, re-connecting to the internet, and monitoring student’s screens.  You can’t teach them anything.  The boys will be secretly downloading porn and the girls will all be sneaking One Direction’s songs onto the task bar.  Learning only happens on the internet independently of the teacher.  It is not something you can either plan or control.  Teaching really only happens with a teacher talking and kids being allowed to respond… call the teacher names… reveal how to say bad words in Spanish and other languages… discuss sex and video games…  you know, actual learning.

The last reveal for today is a truth concealed in a lie.  Administrators always say, “We’re in it for the kids,” which typically means we are doing it for the money and don’t give the administrator a hard time about any difficult or impossible thing they expect us to do in the classroom.  But this lie is ironically true.  If you are a real teacher, you have to care about individual kids.  You have to let them use you and abuse you, talk about themselves, and minimize the amount of time they actually have to listen to you as you ultimately solve their impossible, life-threatening problems.

http://www.mlive.com/

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So, there you have it… secrets learned from thirty-one years of teaching revealed for free.  But believe me, I do have a book in mind.

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The Harshest Critic

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“If you want to be a successful writer, you need to listen to me.  I am a reader.  You have to please me.”

“Yes, but, you are telling me to cut sixty per cent of everything.”

“Well, it isn’t any good, is it?”

“I like it.”

“That’s why you have to cut it.  These philosophies you write about… I don’t agree with those.  They are just wrong.”

“Not philosophies… themes, ideas, theories.”

“Still, they have to go.  What you are writing about is horse poop.”

“Couldn’t you find anything to like in my entire story?”

“What does it mean to like something?  If you just do what I tell you, people will like what you write.  You don’t need all these stupid metaphors and allusions.  Write simple things.  Acknowledge the hand of God as the creator of everything.”

“People already like what I write.  Not everyone wants to hear religious rants all the time.”

“I’m not saying all the time.  Just enough to be good for people… to be instructive and up-building.”

“I’d rather tell stories just for fun.  I want to write stories that I’d like to read myself.”

“If you do that, then you will be the only one who reads your stories.”

“So you don’t think my story is any good?”

“It’s horse poop.”

“Well, I’m going to write it anyway… the way I want.  If it isn’t any good, then maybe I’m no good.”

“I’m not saying that?  Why do you have to take it that way?”

“Horse poop is a complement?”

“No, but you have to hear constructive criticism and change it.”

“Sixty per cent isn’t constructive.  It’s destructive.”

“Whatever… why did you ask me to read it, anyway?  You never listen to me.”

“You are actually part of me.  Your opinion is supposed to matter. “

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Cartooney Paffooney

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A particularly pulse-pounding part of a post-able Paffooney is the Looney-Tooney side of cartoonies.

A good Paffooney, a wise Paffooney, a particularly Buffooney Paffooney…

Requires a certain something… an attention to detail

Scraggles here demonstrably demonsters, er demonstrates, the detail in the devil, er, devil in the details…

With inexplicable and despicable gloves on hands we never see…

And Looney eyes that at once appear wise and simultaneously devise the kind of satirical reprise that can surprise and infinitely infantilize…

He’s sorta creepy with eyes that aren’t sleepy and expressions not so deepy…

And his smile will spread a mile and is also infantile…

And the rat that he has caught has a shape that’s overwrought and full of little thought,

But never will he kill it and fill it full of millet, 

Cause a mouse can be a friend to the bitter better end.

And so this poem don’t rhyme… or does it?  And it has no theme or prime… or was it?

Just silly nonsense words on a canvas all unfurled in Paffooney Looney Language with each sentence stitched and curled.

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Mickey, the Teacher of the Jungle

Mickey, the Teacher of the Jungle

It’s true… 24 years of my life was spent in the Jungles of Junior High fighting for my life against predatory seventh graders, monkey people, lizard people, and general craziness. If my pictures are loony, and my stories are insane, it is because I have endured where no sane man should ever venture. The pink raptor, by the way… one of my best students.

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January 31, 2014 · 2:29 am

A Really Bad Day at the Five and Ten

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No, I never actually got caught naked on Main Street wearing only a teddy bear in front of the Ben Franklin Dime Store.  Thank goodness for that.  But believe me, today was almost as bad as that.  (Really, I just made up this picture to illustrate a bad day.  It didn’t actually ever happen.  I know it sounds like I am protesting too much, but… oh, well.  Some of my friends know the truth.)

Today started with a near fatal accident on my morning commute.  I have been having trouble on the drive in the mornings, passing out at stop lights on occasion and having to be awakened by angry car horns.  I am a diabetic and I did discuss it with my doctor and my mother the forty-year RN nurse.  I have been eating extra protein for breakfast to keep my blood sugar high enough.  Still, I had a sudden rude awakening.  I was going forty miles an hour as I was awakened by the car rumbling down the median on a divided portion of the highway.  I got control of the car and veered back into my lane before I reached the light pole or the up-coming intersection.  Believe me, I am going to take super serious steps to prevent that looming fatal accident.  If I don’t, I will either end up dead or having to work with severely soiled underwear.  No way can I afford another sick day.

So, after the good news about still not being dead, I was called into the vice principal’s office.

“Did they tell you that you were going to be having a new writing class?” he said out of the blue beyond.

“No.”

“You can teach a writing class, can’t you?”

Well, of course I can.  I have done it a million times before.  It is just that I never had to do it suddenly in the middle of a grading period before.  So what is going on here?  “Um, yes, I can,” I answered with the utter stupidity of the totally blind-sided.

“Good.  We will be replacing your third period class today.”

Oh, good.  Thank you so much.  Why am I being singled out for this kind of treatment?  Well, I am eligible to retire.  They want me to retire.  And my department is not only made up of gray-haired old fogies like me, but is being blamed for low test scores.  (Of course, no one seems to notice that the scores I am routinely blamed for are second language speakers of English who have been mainstreamed in regular English classes.  Why am I to blame for failures of kids who are not directly in my classes?  Oh, that’s right… ESL teachers take the blame for ESL students whether we’re allowed to teach them or not.)  Okay, bring it on!  No way I’m gonna let kids fail, even if they are heaping it on to drive me out.

My blood sugar went too low again before the end of the day.  All three of my own personal kids are failing at least one class.  I am getting older by the minute.  When I stop and think about it, it would be better to be a kid again, caught naked in front of the Five and Ten.  (You might want to check out my previous post “Because Naked is Funny” to find out why.)  It would be, all-in-all, a much better time.  (And it didn’t really happen.  Well… not like the Paffooney, anyway!

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Why Babysitters Hate My House (A Surrealist Comic that’s only slightly True)

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Okay, I know it’s creepy.  I know it is only a little bit funny.  But I like to think it’s good colored pencil work, and it does seem to stand up well over time even though it was created back in 1980.  I wrote this hoping to break into the cartoonist world in the 1980’s.   I only managed to get rejection letters and form letters back then.  Big dreams and no real breaks.  But if you are goofy long enough and cartoon up a storm with enough lightning and hailstones in it, somebody will invent the internet (Thanks, AL Gore) and digital photography and WordPress Blogging so I can share it all with you.

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Jungle Boy

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When I was 12, my favorite novel was Rudyard Kipling’s First Jungle Book.  I loved it.  From page one to the last sentence of the story about the White Seal.  I owned a paperback copy that I still have 45 years later.  I bought it from the school book order form, Scholastic, I think.  I used my allowance money, earned at a nickel a week.  Along with the chapter books I had read previously, The Swiss Family Robinson, the White Stag, and Treasure Island, it guided my view of life.  Every grove and forest in Iowa became the jungle in the summer of 1968.  The windswept fields of corn and soy beans easily transformed into tropical seas.  I imagined pirates, natives, and buried treasures everywhere.  When I found a piece of a brass candlestick with the necessary curved part, which became the cursed Ahnk from The Jungle Book.  Midnight, Grandma Aldrich’s blue-eyed black cat, became my Bagheera.  I traveled with an invisible Baloo.  You know, it was only a year or so before that when I saw the Disney movie.  So, of course, dancing and singing was a part of being a jungle boy.

In the book, unlike the movie, Mowgli was naked in the jungle.  He didn’t wear clothes until the first time he submitted himself to the man village.  He took them off again when he escaped.  I had to try that too.  I went to the BinghamPark woods down by the Iowa River.  I found a tree where I could put my clothes, and I took everything off.  I figured roaming the woods like Mowgli would be great.  Boy, I was a stupid child.  Problem number one struck with my first naked step in the forest.  Dang!  There must not be any twigs or nettles in Mowgli’s jungle.  I tried hopping from place to place, but in minutes I was wearing at least my socks and shoes.  Hanging branches and brambles were a problem, too.  They clutched at me, striping me with welts and scrapes.  Certain parts you just don’t want pricked by a bramble bush.  It was like God suddenly planted those pointed things everywhere.  Okay, shoes and socks and shorts.  Well, then I began to get cold.  Iowa is never very warm even in the height of summer.  I had already defeated the whole naked in the forest thing when I put my shorts back on, so, what the heck!  It just didn’t work like I thought.

I still believed that the ways of the jungle were an essential part of my young life.  I read and reread what the Jungle Book says about the “Law of the Jungle”.  I tried to make sense of it as a credo to live by.  Of course, at twelve we are always among the wisest and all-knowing of God’s creatures.  We can make sense of the world in our own weird little way, and no one will ever be able to sway us from the philosophy we live by, no matter how silly it is.  I still think about my “Jungle Book Period” as an important part of my young life.  There are things about young Mowgli and Jim Hawkins and the Robinsons that formed a significant part of my character.  I would one day make use of those determined and resourceful qualities to stay alive in the classroom jungles of South Texas.  I tried to make others see it.  I shared Kipling and Stevenson with kids and hoped that I could make them learn, as I did, how to be that little boy facing and succeeding against the dangerous jungle around him.

 

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Why do they love karaoke in the Philippines?

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This is cartoon that I actually got published in a comic book from Ben Dunn’s Ninja High School comic book series.  You could look it up.  Nobody paid me anything, but maybe it will be a collector’s item some day.

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I have been married to a beautiful Filipina for nineteen years now.  We have two handsome sons and a beautiful little girl.  I am going so far in learning a new culture that I have chosen to learn how to speak that gawd-awful language Tagalog.  Salamat.  If you gave a chicken monkey-lips and set him to caterwauling, you’d have some idea how Tagalog sounds to a jaded old English ear like mine.  I love it.  “Flowers” would be “mga blklk” in Tagalog.  How beautiful is that?  I don’t have to worry about having a sense of humor.  They will laugh at me just for my pronunciation.

I am quickly learning also to take part in the most important ritual in Filipino culture.  Karaoke.  It’s a uniquely oriental thing.  Friends and family gather around the TV and start passing around the “magic microphone”, “Magic Mike” for short.  Dang!  That’ll be my name from now on.  Just call me “Magic Mike”!  The words appear on the screen in front of rotating still pictures that vary from the aerial view of Mad Ludwig’s German Castle to a beach in Hawaii.  The words themselves have been placed there by some Japanese or Korean guy who barely knows how to speak English.  He apparently sits in his Tokyo apartment all day listening to American CD’s and trying to write the words down exactly as his Samurai brain slowly processes them.  The grammar is always twisted and goofy, many of the words are wrong.  The mistakes on the screen can throw me way off singing one of my favorite songs when it gets to the part about “birds is flying over the rainbow, so why won’t I?”  Ah!  The total comic artistry!  And get this, the machine scores the performance.  You can hit the most cat-strangling, nails on blackboards sort of notes, and if you hit the beat right, it gives you a 94 and calls you a star singer.  Sinatra is turning over in his grave.  Barbara Streisand will be turning over in her grave too as soon as my singing kills her.

Don’t get me wrong.  As silly a thing as karaoke is, I love it.  It makes me feel good to belt out a round of “I did it my way”.  I sing better than some of our friends.  But, we have some real singing talent join us on occasion.   James is smoother and more polished singing a Beatles tune than the Beatles themselves.  Ernie sings “Beautiful Sunday” so well it brings a tear to my eye.  And of course, there’s nothing that tickles me more than hearing a Filipino tenor putting his all into “My Wild Irish Rose”.

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I am Popeye

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I am Popeye, I sez, because I just am…  Yeah, that’s right, I yam what I yam. 

First of all, I looks like Popeye.  I has that cleft in my chin, very little hair left on my ol’ head, and I gots the same squinky eye (what squinky eye?).  I has had that same squinky eye since I wuz a teenager and got kicked in the eye doin’ sandlot football (bettern’ sandlot high divin’, fer sure!).  I also has them same bulgy arms, the ones that bulge in the forearm and is incredibobble thin on the upper arms.

Second of all, I has Popeye Spinach-strength.  I look weak and scrawny, but I is a lot tuffer than I looks.  I go into classrooms full of wild, crazed high schoolers, and grabs their attention, tells ’em what’s what, and makes ’em woik.  (Woik is a voib, and that means I is woikin’ when I makes ’em do it.)  I kin stands ridicule and kids what will remarks on the hair in my ears and my squinky eye.  I tells ’em that the scar on my face was did by a bloke with a knife (which it were, cause I had skin cancer and the doctor used a knife to get it off).  I have taken all kinds of nasty punches from life (diabetes, blood-pressure problems, prostatitis, arthritis) and I still keeps comin’ back fer more.  In fact, I can winds up me arm and give that ol’ Devil a good Twisker Sock right in the kisser.

Third of all, I has a typical Popeye Sweet Patootie.  My Island Girl Wife is like Olive Oyl in very many ways.  She is always tellin’ me what to do.  She compares me to ol’ Bluto.  She panics and flails her arms when there’s a crisis.  And she expects me to always save the day and never says “thank you” after.

So, I mean it when I sez “I am Popeye”.  I yam what I yam and that’s all what I yam!

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