Tag Archives: paffooney

Stuart’s Tag

So, I get this message from my writer friend Stuart West;

Well, crap, Matthew Peters tagged me in a new writer thingy. So I’m tagging five of you unlucky folks as well. Apparently it’s all about the opening sentences. So…drop the opening sentences of the first three chapters of your current WIP. Then pass on the love and agony.

Here’s mine:

*Bombing, crashing like an airplane dipping into an ocean, but worse, I couldn’t even make a splash.

*So I have a daughter. She just turned eight. She bugs the crap outta’ me with a lotta’ tough questions.

*Twenty minutes after seven, and halfway through my second cup of Sake, I began to experience the sinking feeling I’d been stood up.

Taken out of context, it does read kinda’ strange, doesn’t it? It’s called Demon With a Comb-Over. It’s complicated, it’s complicated.

Okay! Here’re the unlucky writers I’ve chosen to pester/bug/tag:
Suzanne deMontigny, Meradeth Houston, Jeff Chapman, Heather Brainerd, and Michael Beyer. Have at it, gang.

 
Chat Conversation End
 
 

Seen by Meradeth, Jeff, Matthew

 
My current WIP (Work In Progress) is a novel called The Bicycle Wheel Genius.  It is in the rough draft stage, so I am not even familiar with the chapter leads myself.  Here goes nothing…
Canto One – In the dark corners of the house in 1984
The stupid boy was easily followed home. When he patted the little Pomeranian dog on her fuzzy head, he entered through the back door, unlocking it with his key.  He went in to make his afternoon peanut butter sandwich, stupidly leaving the door unlocked.  The man in black couldn’t have asked for a better outcome.
Canto Two… Norwall, Iowa, population 278, in the Year 1988
Norwall, like many small towns in Iowa, had not changed more than a particle or two a year from about 1919 to around 1982. It had a main street.  The houses were done mostly in the Victorian style, with its various porches and bay windows and corner tower-like structures.  It was a sleepy-quiet   little farm town where practically nothing ever happened.  It was mostly set up for farm business.  There was a grain elevator at the west end of Main Street, and a lumber yard at the southern end of Whitten Avenue.  It was not unusual to see tractors parked in town along with the family cars and farmers’ pickup trucks.

Canto Three – At the Ghost House on the Edge of Pixeley’s Junk Yard

It was hard to believe that it had been almost three months since the last time a meeting of the Norwall Pirates had been called at the Ghost House.Tim arrived there well before the agreed-upon time and was slightly miffed that no one else had shown up yet.  It came from having a girl as a leader.  His cousin Valerie was a good person, and he loved her, and all that, but she was far too caught up in doing girly things to really take her job as grand and glorious and mostly notorious leader of the Pirates seriously enough.  He dropped his bicycle in the un-mowed grass and marched through the burrs and the weeds towards the foundation and cellar that was now all that remained of the Ghost House.

Okay, okay… incredibly mundane, I know…  It’s just a rough draft.  The opening of Canto Two is particularly clunky.  Time and multi-facet crap-detectors with supercharged triple D batteries should help.  Here’s a Bicycle-Wheel Paffooney to make it a little better.

Millis

 

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Sean “Cudgel” Murphy

 

 

DScudgel

The kind of writing I do requires a special class of character that I refer to as a clown. I revealed one already that I used in my novel Snow Babies, that character is the unsuccessful businessman Harker Dawes. He is a pratfall clown, the kind used in Three Stooges movies. He is the subject of numerous physical abuses from other characters and from his own incompetent hand. He is funny because he always seems to survive these terrible episodes, and we are really, really glad that we are not him.
The second clown from Snow Babies, and also used in the novel I am now writing, The Bicycle Wheel Genius, is a dirty old man named Cudgel Murphy. He is a Mrs. Malaprop sort of character who says things that are wickedly mistaken, but not totally unintentional. He loves to drink (drinks other than water, coffee, or sodapop), and what he drinks makes him less than sociable. His is Irish by ancestry and by temperament. He is quick to fight, and slow to forgive, but able to laugh at himself when he discovers he is in the wrong. He loves to fight verbally with his daughter-in-law, Mary Murphy, and adores her children, his grandchildren, particularly Danny Murphy and little sister Dilsey.
The great love of his life was not his wife, who apparently died fairly young as a way of escaping the evil old man. It was instead a car, a 1955 Austin Hereford, an English-made car that Cudgel routinely says is, “the finest car made anywhere in the world in 1955.” She is his baby, and he keeps her running for more than thirty years despite driving her far too fast, too far, and with all sorts of evil brews in her gas tank in place of normal gasoline.
The Paffooney shows the evil old man posing with his wonder-car in front of the Congregational Church in Norwall, Iowa. His face, though unnaturally red by both liquid and temperamental fire looks far more innocent and harmless that it really is. One never knows for sure what is on his scrappy old mind, but you can be sure it will turn out to be funny in one way or another.
Clowns are essential to the kind of fiction I like to write. Sean “Cudgel” Murphy is a good one of those. So good, in fact, I may have to kill him off in the current book. He has a tendency to take over the story and make himself a hero.

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Another Milestone!

milestone 1000

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July 18, 2014 · 3:04 pm

Show Kindness to Children

1994snow_n

Hopefully on the way to being published.

 

I don’t usually do political stuff, but I need to be an activist for children as a former teacher and current parent.  My novel is about four boys running away from the foster care system that has misused and de-valued them. They are caught in a small Iowa farm town by a terrible blizzard, and it becomes the goal of some of the townspeople to make a place for them in the midst of a deadly snowstorm.  It has some relevance to what’s happening on our southern border.

Children are flocking to this country to escape terrible things and cruel lives of suffering of one sort or another.  Angry Americans are trying to turn them away and shut the door in their faces.  It strikes me that someone is not paying attention to a fundamental fact about children.  Children are valuable.  They are an investment that pays off in the future in ways that you cannot estimate the monetary value of.  They are future people of consequence, potentially able to provide service and gain to the people who willingly take them in.  Many of them have relatives in this country already.  Many of them have plans and places to go already.  But even the ones who are going to cost us time, effort, and money are valuable beyond measure.  We should be taking them in and opening our hearts and our wallets for them.  Didn’t Jesus say, “What you do for the least of these, you do also for me?”  Even if he didn’t say that, that is how we should feel.

I ended my career teaching English to kids who came to Texas from other countries and didn’t speak English well enough to get by without special help.  I met and worked with wonderful young people from Eritrea, Pakistan, Lebanon, Viet Nam, China, El Salvador, and Mexico.  Many of them came to this country with limited resources and no money.  Many of them have had to work very hard for the things we all take for granted.  And here’s the kicker… they are all just like my own great great grandfather who came from Germany and learned English in Pennsylvania where people looked down on him for taking American jobs even though he worked at things most Americans didn’t want to do.  These kids are just like us.  We are not far removed from them in the ways we pretend.  We should not be building fences and fighting to keep them out.  Let’s rather spend the money on celebrating their escape from their troubles and their choice to come help us build a better life in this so-called land of opportunity.   

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Miss Morgan Begins

As one novel is finished, another begins.  Here are the first cantos written for Magical Miss Morgan.

Miss Morgan one

A creative young teacher named Miss Francis Morgan

 

Canto 1 – Under the Classroom

Three of the bravest representatives the Erlking could muster were walking through the metal tunnel that the slow ones called a heating duck.  Why they called it that was anyone’s guess.  The three had seen nary a single duck.  It was a big risk, entering the land of the slow ones.  You never knew when they might squish you with a fly slapper or zap you with an ani-bug-lite.   These were three of the bravest of the Wee People in all of the Kingdom of Minutiae.  The leader was a Pixie, tall for his kind at two inches.  His name was Donner, Thunder in the language of the Wee People.  His lithe body was a creamy greenish tan with gossamer wings of transparent stained glass.  The girl was called Silkie, a Storybook who looked completely human… completely blond-haired, Nordic human, but only an inch and a half tall, dressed entirely in green leaves stitched together by one of the Erlking’s stitch-witches.  And the third, brought along for the sake of muscle, not brain-power, was Garriss the weak-minded, a fire-bodied Wisp.  His naked form was made of actual flame, but held together by magic in a way that he could not burn anyone or anything without using the cone of fire spell burned into his flaming hands.  He could’ve burned the entire structure of the slow ones to the ground, so powerful was he…  Yet he would not have the first idea how to go about it without careful direction from one of the others.

“If we are going to find the one the wizard spoke of,” said Donner, “We must proceed to the place called a glass-room.”

“I think the wizard said it was a classroom,” said Silkie resolutely.  Slow one speech was a mystery to all the Wee Folk, but Silkie at least had studied it with the help of the wizard’s apprentice Pippin.

“I hope it is not a class room,” said Garriss.  “I am considered of such a low class that they will certainly reject me.”

“A pain made of brass is the ass without class,” sighed Donner, reciting the old stitch-witch saying.

“Up ahead,” said Silkie, pointing, “is a place where the warm air flows upwards.  It is some kind of doorway made of bars, a grate or something.”

“Yes, we can at least look up into that room,” said Donner.  “Mayhap it is the correct glass-room.”

The three wee adventurers drew up to the edge.  Looking upward they saw a group of children moving desks to the edges of the room, and a lady in her early thirties standing in the center directing them.

 

Canto 2 – Miss Morgan’s Class

“All right, kiddie-winkies,” said Miss Morgan, “now that we have the space for our talking circle created, we must take off our shoes and socks.  Bare feet only!”

“Why must we do that, Miss M?” asked Blueberry Bates, a girl with a very concerned scowl.

Miss Morgan loved the Six-Twos better than any of her other classes… and that was saying something because she really loved them all.  Six-Two, however, had the most Norwall kids in it of all her classes, and Norwall kids were a little more imaginative and empathetic than the Belle City kids, or the Goodwell kids, or the Klempke kids.  Besides, she had once been a Norwall kid herself.  It was a very special little Iowa farm town to Miss Morgan.

“Who can tell Blueberry why we have to have bare feet for this discussion?” Miss M asked the whole group.

“Well,” said Mike Murphy, a Norwall rapscallion and a Pirate, “we’re studying the Hobbit by Tolkien.   Hobbits all go barefoot all the time.”

“Very good, Michael.  He’s right.  But why does it help for us all to be barefoot?”

“Maybe it helps us feel like the main character Bilbo,” said Billy Klatthammer, the plump son of the Klempke, Iowa real estate king.

“Right.  But why is it important to feel like Bilbo?”

“He’s an every-man character,” said Frosty Anderson, a Norwall farm kid.  “We have to identify with him as we travel through the world of Middle Earth.  He’s supposed to be just like us.”

“My, my… Someone was listening when I was talking about the book yesterday.”

“And I think,” said Barbie Andersen from Belle City, “that people are more sensitive when they are barefooted.   You want us to feel what Bilbo feels and think like Bilbo thinks.”

“That’s very good, Barbie.  I hadn’t thought of that.”

“The real reason,” said Tim Kellogg, Norwall boy and most difficult child in the class, “is that you like the smell of stinky feet.”

Everyone busted out in a belly laugh, including Miss Morgan.

“Okay,” said Miss Morgan, “Now that I can smell all of your stinky feet, I need you to gather around in a circle.  As we take on each question from the study guide, we will go around the circle and get an answer or a comment from each of you.  We will talk about each question until everyone has said at least one thing and we have made an agreement on what the best answer is.”

At that moment, the first-year teacher from next door appeared in the doorway.  “Miss Morgan,” said Miss Krapplemacher, “the noise from this classroom is eroding my standards of discipline again.”

“I’m sorry, Miss Abby,” said Miss Morgan, smiling and speaking through gritted teeth.  She resisted the urge to call her Miss Krabby, the way all her science students did.  Miss Krabby insisted on a silent classroom and made students fill out worksheets all period.  “We will try to be quieter.  We are doing a discussion assignment, though.”

“Well, okay.  But stifle the laughing.  It’s hard to achieve serious learning with all the laughing going on next door.”

“We promise we will only talk about depressing things this period,” piped up Tim Kellogg.  “No more laughter this period.”

Bless the little black-hearted teacher’s kid.  Miss Morgan silently appreciated the imp as Miss Krapplemacher made vibrating fists with both hands and stormed out.  Tim was Miss Krabby’s least favorite science student of all time.

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Goofy Illustration

laugh

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Superchicken

Today I finished the re-write on my novel Superchicken,  I have only been working on it since 1988.  The title came from my high school nickname.  I was a nerd with the ability to play tackle football to a level that impressed all the guys who were bigger and stronger than me.  It became my superhero name.  So I put it into a book that is filled with stories within stories.  Many of the stories are true.  Some are just big goofy lies.  I hope to make people laugh a little with it.  I hope people are not offended a lot.  But if I polish it any more than it is, I will have polished holes clear through it

.Superchick

 

The signature on the portrait of the Superchicken is simply my name spelled backwards.

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The Island Girl

First Island Girl4When I was yet a boy in high school, I had a dream that seemed so real.  I knew that one day it would come true.  It was a dream of an island in the Pacific Ocean and an exotic island girl who was as intrigued by me as I was by her.  I began drawing pictures of it.  I don’t have the first pictures I drew any more, but here is one from college, in 1979,

As time went on, and I became a teacher, I had more dreams of who she might be and what it might mean.  I met her in real life while teaching in South Texas.  We were married and have three kids.  The next Paffooney is from 1995.

 

No matter what else it might mean, it proves to me that dreams can come true.  In fact, I believe that through dreams we can experience the future because we can dream outside of time.  Reality is a whole, and perceiving it as a straight line from the past, through the present, into the future is only one perspective of the whole thing.

Island Girl2z

 

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The Amazing, Magical Miss Morgan

DSCN4608

 

Okay, the thing is, I was a teacher for 31 years.  I need to use that for something.  If I had any choice, I’d still be teaching, but since I can’t do that, I intend to create a story that uses my teaching experience, knowledge, and talent.  I finally came up with the right idea, and the prewriting has begun to flow.  Francis Morgan is an unmarried teacher lady with a very Mary Poppins-like quality, but the magic is all in the teaching methods.  I am pitting the hero of this little tale against the most appropriate educational villain I could think of, a principal who used to be a coach.  Issues of teacher-creativity versus wrong-headed notions of school discipline will provide the conflict and the fireworks.  And I intend to write it with a double layer of goopy purple comedy, because if she is going to be a sixth grade English teacher it either has to be a comedy or a complete horror story.  I am too much of a coward to write anything that scary.  If you are interested at all in how such a goofy little project is progressing, by all means check back in the future.

Player3

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Plans for the 4th

Familyouting

 

So, I’m thinking that for the 4th we will spend some time hunting dragons in caverns.  Yeah… that’s it.  Dragons in cavern.

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