Canto Fifty-Five – In the Arboretum of the Bio Dome
Brekka awoke and discovered that someone had dressed her in a synthesized Telleron jump suit, the kind that Mrs. Castille always recommended for their propriety and modesty. Brekka was not amused.
“Lester?” Brekka thought at the man-eating plant who was still cradling her, “why didn’t you eat whoever put these clothes on me?”
“This one couldn’t. They were two young Tellerons. They would poison me to eat them. Besides, they are friends of yours, dear Brekka.” The plant was only thinking at her, but she heard the voice clearly in her head.
“Davalon and Tanith?” Brekka asked. She was seething to think the two goody-goodies had done this to please Harmony Castille, Queen of Boob-binding and Skin-smothering Tyrants. But, of course, she realized that old lady Castille didn’t really understand about young Telleron girls and their needs. She didn’t even understand that Telleron girls didn’t have boobs because Tellerons had no need for mammary glands. They were amphibianoids.
“It was not the two friends you suggest. It was the ones known to us as George Jetson and Menolly.”
“Why, those two evil pranksters! I will get even with them for this!”
“To be fair, they were acting on the orders of the mother-plant church-lady thing… the one with the stare that could wither this one’s petals if this one gave her any trouble.”
“Well that explains that. Why didn’t you eat her? She’s one of those human creatures you tell me taste good.”
“This one would not dare to stir up the wrath of one with so much power in her living aura. This one was terrified in her presence.”
“Well,” sighed Brekka, “at least that explains why Commander Biznap is so fond of her.”
“Beloved, Brekka… there is something else this one wishes to inform you of.”
“What’s that, Lester?”
“There’s something terribly wrong about Sizzahl’s uncle, Senator Makkhain.”
“Wrong? What do you mean?”
“Well, in the final battle with the evil General Gohmurt… Sizzahl’s father was not the only Galtorrian this one ate and absorbed…”
“Go on.”
“This one also consumed General Gohmurt. This one felt it was only fair, because this one didn’t really know at the time which one was evil and which one was good. This one only knew this one couldn’t grow idly by and do nothing…”
“So what’s your point?”
“This one also absorbed all the memories and personality traits of (shudder) the evil Gohmurt.”
“Okay, tell me more.”
“This one was surprised to learn that someone who is self-serving and powerful could also be so brutally stupid and witless. He contained secret information about Senator Tedhkruhz’s battle plan. He knew, for instance, that Senator Makkhain while battling Senator Tedhkruhz and Evil Overlord Rekhpahree was…”
“Was what?”
“Killed in battle. But also part of a secret counter-insurgency plan… involving an evil clone and cyborg programming protocols.”
“Oh, no! I have to warn Sizzahl!”
“But, cherished Brekka, this one also knows from Sizzahl’s father that she will never believe the truth about her fake uncle unless someone makes him reveal himself. Makkhain is the only other Galtorrian besides her father that Sizzahl has ever dared to love.”
“Ooh! Dang you, Lester! That problem is too hard to solve with Mickey Mouse Club music and dancing. What am I supposed to do?”
“This one promises to help you in any way that this one can,” promised the diabolical man-eating plant. “This one believes that the only proper solution is that you should eat evil clone Makkhain yourself, most honored and well-loved Brekka.”
*****
Stupid Is as Stupid Does
This is not a tribute to Winston Groom and his famous creation, Forrest Gump. This is an admission that when I have had very little sleep and lots of worry lines on my brow, I often do remarkably stupid things.
And sometimes, doing something monumentally stupid makes me feel better. You know, more a part of the stupid, meaningless, and goofy world around me. So, what stupid thing did I do? I joined a nudist organization’s website. Me, who freaks out when members of my own family happen to see me naked. And, you see, there is more to joining this organization than just signing up for some random thing on the internet where you get a lot of random emails. I had to submit nude photos of myself to be posted in community forums. And I may be able to write a blog for this website, which will mean taking some camping gear and actually going to the naturist club site near Dallas to experience the things I will be writing about… and probably making jokes about. But don’t be afraid of being subjected to the hideous torture of having to see me naked. In order to see any of that, you would have to join the organization yourself, and you are probably not as stupid as me. (But I am not telling you the name of the website anyway.)
This is a detail from an illustration based on Golding’s Lord of the Flies. But it is also a picture of me and a childhood friend from back in the skinny-dipping days, based on an old black-and-white photo.
You see, I have some real life experiences with nudists before this happened. I had a roommate in grad school who liked to go au naturel, and even was comfortable with me being in the room when his girlfriend was visiting. He was nude in the kitchen one time when my grandparents came to visit. It is a good thing my grandfather entered that room ahead of my grandmother. I also had a girlfriend in the eighties who had a sister living in the clothing-optional apartment complex in Austin, Texas. Every time we visited Austin, the city nearest where my parents lived, she would stay with her sister there and I would have to go in to fetch her whenever we had plans. Sometimes I was there just to visit. But always, since clothing was optional, I took that option. I did get used to being around naked people, though. I actually have nudist friends.
So, though I am not a nudist, I guess I already know a lot about how to be one. It is how I managed to stumble into this awkward arrangement.
I know I will never be able to get my wife to go along on this harrowing adventure. She refuses to even consider going nude in the house. She has to wear clothes to bed even though studies say that sleeping nude is good for you. I will be facing this basically naked and alone. And possible paid writing work will never make this worth it by itself.
But my photos are already posted and approved. My membership is a real thing. And I am not ready to shoot myself for this stupid decision. In fact, I will probably be less naked there than I have been here in this very blog where my every secret is laid bare and made fun of on a daily basis.
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Filed under battling depression, commentary, feeling sorry for myself, humor, nudes, Paffooney, self pity, self portrait, strange and wonderful ideas about life
Tagged as bad decisions, humor, naturists and nudists, stupid stuff, stupidity