Tag Archives: humor

Open the Golden Door

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This postable Paffooney is really not so wonderfully postable.  It got a little bit moisture damaged in the garage where I found it improperly stored.  It is an oil painting from before I had a family of my own back in the 1980’s.  It is called Madonna of the Golden Door.  The girl is my sister, the younger of my two sisters.  The boy is one of my favorite students from the 1980’s, one I fed and helped raise in addition to being his teacher for two years.
This painting inspired the following silly free verse poem;

Open the Golden Door 

Can a man…

Love a boy?

Not a son,

Not a nephew,

Not an in-law…

Just a boy?

Not for lust,

Not for profit,

Not for gain,

But for the gift…

Of being able…

To teach,

To learn,

To coach,

To cheer,

To mentor,

To shadow,

To see,

To feel,

To reach,

To hug?

Simply to love?

I would say yes…

But what do I know?

I am only a…

Teacher,

Author,

Poet,

Painter,

Wizard,

Instructor,

Confidante,

Mentor,

And Friend.

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The Family Outing

The Family Outing

This acrylic painting is called “the Family Outing”. Believe it or not, I painted it before I was even married. How did I know that families have to constantly fight dragons together? Well, before I became the dad with the sword, I was the son watching from the mouth of the cave. The mom in the picture is not my wife. No dragon would ever dare attack my wife. The helpless blonde was more like an old eighties girlfriend, a much less dangerous woman. The dragon, of course, is only just barely dangerous. He represents something like fear of death and dismemberment, not the kind of life threatening dangers of married life, like credit card bills.

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March 17, 2014 · 1:43 am

The Aztec

The Aztec

This acrylic painting on canvas board represents 23 years of teaching at a middle school in Cotulla, Texas. President Lyndon B. Johnson once taught in Cotulla. He referred to it as the “donkeyhole” of Texas, but for some reason always spelled donkey with an “a”. Many of the students are Spanish speakers. What am I saying? MOST of the students are Spanish speakers. Their version of Spanish, though, has many Native American words in it, especially Aztec words. Almost all of my students, though, were not Mexican. They were born in the U.S. Most were born in South Texas.

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March 16, 2014 · 1:12 am

Action and Adventure

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I tend to be a Young Adult Fiction writer.  There are lots of reasons.  Not the least of which are all the many wonderful and horrible things that have happened to me as a result of being a public school teacher.  I also have since early childhood dearly loved and emulated comic books.  Marvel and DC, Charleton and Gold Key, and nowadays Black Horse and Image Comics… They have all incited me to crazy wild stories of science fiction action and adventure.  My first novel (first published, not written) called Aeroquest was a science fiction story of  young space ninjas with psionic super powers who are the classroom students of an action hero named Ged Aero who is teacher, explorer, hunter, and psionic shape-changer himself.

So is it just because I like to read action adventure in books and comic books?  Not at all.  I believe you can’t live life without partaking in action adventure.   There are lots of ways that teachers become action adventure heroes and never get credit for doing it.  I once faced off against a boy armed with sharp metal ninja throwing stars who was intent on killing another boy who was in my class at the time.  Together with the history teacher and an assistant principal who got thrown to the ground we stood up to the apparently psychotic boy, and made him give up on the attack.  He ran off into the nearby woods and was later apprehended there by the deputies from the Sheriff’s office.  This is a kid that I personally knew and taught.  If I hadn’t been able to talk to the kid before that day and connect with him at least a little bit, we might have suffered a lot more damage from him than we ended up with that fateful day.  And that isn’t the only life-threatening situation I have been in.   I can’t count how many fights I broke up, bomb threats and threats of violence I’ve dealt with, and situations I was able to tip off the administration about because I actually talk to kids, win their trust, and listen to what they say.  Teaching is an action adventure sort of job, and violence can be successfully defended against with reason, wit, and preparation.  Understand me, though, I am not the only action adventure hero among the members of the teaching profession.  I have stood next to women of small stature that could handle linebacker-sized bullies and leave the bullies quaking in fear.  One teacher I knew was robbed in San Antonio when she was carrying money earned in a fund raiser by her class.  She chased the thief down a public street screaming for help and tackled the guy herself.  People around her were stunned at first, but then helped her subdue the guy.  She got the money back, made the newspapers for her outstanding courage, and helped put the thief in prison for a very long time.  Good teachers are action adventure heroes.  It’s in the job description.  You could look it up.

So that leads to today’s Paffooney.  These three kids tackling the raging lion-man from the Aslani Star Mines Corporation are Aeroquest mutant ninja space babies from my novel.  Rocket Rogers (on the left) and Phoenix (looking at us for assistance on the right) are both psionic pyros who control fire with their minds.  Taffy King (the half-reptilian, half-human girl in the middle) has the power of telekinesis.  But the ultimate lesson behind action and adventure is that no matter how tense the situation gets and no matter how drastically dangerous things are, there are peaceful and non-violent solutions to everything.  By surrounding the lion man with fire and burning up the air he needs to breathe, the two pyros render him unconscious, while Taffy has prevented him from getting his hands on Phoenix by using a wall of flying knives to dissuade him.  I intend to write a lot more action and adventure before I’m through and decide like a Sioux warrior that a good day to die has finally arrived.

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The Magic Man’s Daughter

The Magic Man's Daughter

This oil painting reflects my love of the Native American culture of spirituality and connection to the natural world. Behind Wakanhca (the Magic Man or shaman), his young daughter has been bathing and is confronted with a glowing stag. Lightning in the background confirms that this is a lightning dream of a spirit animal. I used images that were as authentically Dakota Sioux as my silly old German-American brain could manage.

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March 12, 2014 · 3:00 pm

That Silly Old Writer, Me!

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I was invited to take part in the “My Writing Process” blog tour by a fellow young adult fiction writer, Stuart West.  (https://stuartrwest.blogspot.com)  Stuart is the author of the Tex, the Witch Boy series of paranormal YA thrillers.  He is something of a mentor to me, and easily the best published author I am personally acquainted with.  Before you take me seriously, you should definitely check out his blog.

For this little exercise, I have to answer four questions, then invite three other authors to do the same.  I’m a little slow on getting others to agree to this plan, but I am shameless when it comes to opportunities to talk about my own writing.  I will post the three authors later this week, after I am done begging and bribing.  

Step 1: Acknowledge the person and the blog site that invited you to take part.

As you can see, I’ve done that above, but here is the second mention; Stuart R. West .  (https://stuartrwest.blogspot.com

Step 2: Answer four questions about your writing process.
1)      What am I working on?
2)       How does my work differ from others of its genre?
3)       Why do I write what I do?
4)       How does your writing process work?

  1. What I am working on now is a story that is sequel-requel-prequel to my novel Catch a Falling Star.  That means that it uses characters from that novel, a bunch of new ones, and some from other stories of mine as well to tell what happened before that novel, during that novel, and after that novel.  Silly plan!  Believe me, I realize that while sweating over re-quel details (a phrase that here means a retelling of parts of that novel – I do also realize I stole this particular conceit from Lemony Snicket).  The book will be called The Bicycle Wheel Genius about a scientist who is a super-genius inventor trying to live incognito in a little Iowa farm town after leaving government service.  He is trying to live down a family tragedy while at the same time befriending the boy next door, avoiding government agents and assassin robots, dealing with an alien invasion by invisible alien frog people,  juggling time travelers, creating rabbit-men, and engineering old-fashioned high-wheel bicycles. 
  2. How does my work differ?  You have to ask?  Unlike all the careful plotters, step-by-step writing crafters, and picky editor types out there, I put words and ideas in a blender, mix on the “Are you insane?” setting, and then let it all come pouring out into pages and scenes and chapters (although I call them cantos for some bizarre reason).  I also have to admit that I base a lot of my characters on real people that I either grew up with in Iowa, or met over my thirty plus years as a mostly middle school teacher.  And these stories have percolated in my head for twenty to thirty years.  Did I mention already that I am not a person who thinks in straight lines?  You can tell by the shifts, reverses, and loopty-loops in this paragraph that much of what I call humor comes from my purple paisley prose (a phrase which here means overly ornate, wordy, and down-right convoluted sentences and paragraphs).  (Thanks again, Lemony).
  3. Why do I write it?  Let me think.  Could it be because teaching middle school students for too long leads to insanity, and if the insane are going to be useful in society, they have to do something at least mildly interesting for people who live in the real world?  I mean, if I just sit in a room all day drooling and counting and re-counting my Pez dispenser collection, that wouldn’t be entirely helpful.   Writing honors all the people I have known, alive and now departed, who touched my life and made a difference to my heart.  It also helps me make sense of things that have happened to me over time and shaped me as person… hopefully a person you might like to get to know.  And you can know a person through their writing long after they are personally worm food.  How could I live without Mark Twain or Charles Dickens in my life, and both were dead long before I was born?  And I know you’re going to ask yourself what makes me think that other people couldn’t live their lives better without knowing me?  But don’t ask.  I have developed a certain amount of wisdom over the course of my life, and I know I really don’t want an answer to that question.
  4. How does my writing process work?  I have taught the writing process in the classroom so many times, that the only answer I am still sane enough to give is that everyone’s process is entirely different.  I can, however, drop an insight or two on you.  First of all, everything I have ever written is still a part of what I call Prewriting… with a capital P.  Everything ever written can be rewritten and improved.  Secondly, it is important to re-read what you write.  I hate typos and mistakes in what is supposed to be “finished” writing.  It is the reason I hate the entire experience of my first published novel, Aeroquest.    That writing will never be okay until I have a chance to re-write it and re-tell it and re-everything it.  Dang it.  Thirdly, you must carefully consider who to allow to have input on your rough draft and re-worked copies.  Even some professional editors don’t bother to try to see things in a way that reflects the fact that they care about what you have written.  You need someone on your side to share it, and love it, and cherish it the way you do.  Only that person will give you input that is worth listening to.  Fourthly, if you reach fourthly your list is too dang long.  And finally, publish it.  Share it.  Don’t put it away in a drawer for the mice and spiders to read when you are long gone. 

So, Stuart, how did I do?  I hope at least it proves what you have known all along.  That Mickey guy writes like his hair is on fire and his pants are unraveling… in front of girls.

(Three writers to be named later will take up this same blog tour… I hope.)

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Google Paffooney

Google Paffooney

Honestly, this is my brazen attempt at goopy self-promotion. If you do an image search on the word Paffooney, you come up with mostly my artwork, and, inexplicably, pictures of women named Valerie Clarke. (Valerie is the name of the heroine in my novel Snow Babies, but I honestly never put that name in a tag or a category.) So if you’d like to see, Google it. (“Google it” almost sounds like a Paffooney term itself, doesn’t it?)

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March 8, 2014 · 7:37 pm

Captain Action, Space Hero

Captain Action, Space Hero

One of the things I find so fascinating about Captain Action is the way he portrays space heroes from comic strips that were created long before I was born. Here you see Flash Gordon (the mask is from 1967, the rest of the costume comes from Playing Mantis in 2003.)
Buck Rogers from the 25th Century (everything here is either a recreation by hobbyists or a replacement part) stands next to him.

DSCN4794

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March 7, 2014 · 2:46 am

Captain Action, Mighty Hero

Captain Action, Mighty Hero

I was a child of the 1960’s. I was 10 in 1966. In 1967 I received a Captain Action action figure for my birthday. Neither of these figures are the original one, since he is now resting in pieces. (I do have all the pieces.) The Spiderman suit is part of a Christmas gift from 1968, though not the mask and the boots. Superman was a rare find as a collector in about 2003. His boots are held together with tape and rubber bands, but the rest of the costume is in very good shape. The Lost in Space Robot came from E-Bay, and I got him for only four dollars. Needless to say, these things are priceless to the child who still lives inside me. I play with them often.

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March 6, 2014 · 2:01 am

The Harshest Critic

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“If you want to be a successful writer, you need to listen to me.  I am a reader.  You have to please me.”

“Yes, but, you are telling me to cut sixty per cent of everything.”

“Well, it isn’t any good, is it?”

“I like it.”

“That’s why you have to cut it.  These philosophies you write about… I don’t agree with those.  They are just wrong.”

“Not philosophies… themes, ideas, theories.”

“Still, they have to go.  What you are writing about is horse poop.”

“Couldn’t you find anything to like in my entire story?”

“What does it mean to like something?  If you just do what I tell you, people will like what you write.  You don’t need all these stupid metaphors and allusions.  Write simple things.  Acknowledge the hand of God as the creator of everything.”

“People already like what I write.  Not everyone wants to hear religious rants all the time.”

“I’m not saying all the time.  Just enough to be good for people… to be instructive and up-building.”

“I’d rather tell stories just for fun.  I want to write stories that I’d like to read myself.”

“If you do that, then you will be the only one who reads your stories.”

“So you don’t think my story is any good?”

“It’s horse poop.”

“Well, I’m going to write it anyway… the way I want.  If it isn’t any good, then maybe I’m no good.”

“I’m not saying that?  Why do you have to take it that way?”

“Horse poop is a complement?”

“No, but you have to hear constructive criticism and change it.”

“Sixty per cent isn’t constructive.  It’s destructive.”

“Whatever… why did you ask me to read it, anyway?  You never listen to me.”

“You are actually part of me.  Your opinion is supposed to matter. “

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