Tag Archives: humor

Miss Morgan Begins

As one novel is finished, another begins.  Here are the first cantos written for Magical Miss Morgan.

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A creative young teacher named Miss Francis Morgan

 

Canto 1 – Under the Classroom

Three of the bravest representatives the Erlking could muster were walking through the metal tunnel that the slow ones called a heating duck.  Why they called it that was anyone’s guess.  The three had seen nary a single duck.  It was a big risk, entering the land of the slow ones.  You never knew when they might squish you with a fly slapper or zap you with an ani-bug-lite.   These were three of the bravest of the Wee People in all of the Kingdom of Minutiae.  The leader was a Pixie, tall for his kind at two inches.  His name was Donner, Thunder in the language of the Wee People.  His lithe body was a creamy greenish tan with gossamer wings of transparent stained glass.  The girl was called Silkie, a Storybook who looked completely human… completely blond-haired, Nordic human, but only an inch and a half tall, dressed entirely in green leaves stitched together by one of the Erlking’s stitch-witches.  And the third, brought along for the sake of muscle, not brain-power, was Garriss the weak-minded, a fire-bodied Wisp.  His naked form was made of actual flame, but held together by magic in a way that he could not burn anyone or anything without using the cone of fire spell burned into his flaming hands.  He could’ve burned the entire structure of the slow ones to the ground, so powerful was he…  Yet he would not have the first idea how to go about it without careful direction from one of the others.

“If we are going to find the one the wizard spoke of,” said Donner, “We must proceed to the place called a glass-room.”

“I think the wizard said it was a classroom,” said Silkie resolutely.  Slow one speech was a mystery to all the Wee Folk, but Silkie at least had studied it with the help of the wizard’s apprentice Pippin.

“I hope it is not a class room,” said Garriss.  “I am considered of such a low class that they will certainly reject me.”

“A pain made of brass is the ass without class,” sighed Donner, reciting the old stitch-witch saying.

“Up ahead,” said Silkie, pointing, “is a place where the warm air flows upwards.  It is some kind of doorway made of bars, a grate or something.”

“Yes, we can at least look up into that room,” said Donner.  “Mayhap it is the correct glass-room.”

The three wee adventurers drew up to the edge.  Looking upward they saw a group of children moving desks to the edges of the room, and a lady in her early thirties standing in the center directing them.

 

Canto 2 – Miss Morgan’s Class

“All right, kiddie-winkies,” said Miss Morgan, “now that we have the space for our talking circle created, we must take off our shoes and socks.  Bare feet only!”

“Why must we do that, Miss M?” asked Blueberry Bates, a girl with a very concerned scowl.

Miss Morgan loved the Six-Twos better than any of her other classes… and that was saying something because she really loved them all.  Six-Two, however, had the most Norwall kids in it of all her classes, and Norwall kids were a little more imaginative and empathetic than the Belle City kids, or the Goodwell kids, or the Klempke kids.  Besides, she had once been a Norwall kid herself.  It was a very special little Iowa farm town to Miss Morgan.

“Who can tell Blueberry why we have to have bare feet for this discussion?” Miss M asked the whole group.

“Well,” said Mike Murphy, a Norwall rapscallion and a Pirate, “we’re studying the Hobbit by Tolkien.   Hobbits all go barefoot all the time.”

“Very good, Michael.  He’s right.  But why does it help for us all to be barefoot?”

“Maybe it helps us feel like the main character Bilbo,” said Billy Klatthammer, the plump son of the Klempke, Iowa real estate king.

“Right.  But why is it important to feel like Bilbo?”

“He’s an every-man character,” said Frosty Anderson, a Norwall farm kid.  “We have to identify with him as we travel through the world of Middle Earth.  He’s supposed to be just like us.”

“My, my… Someone was listening when I was talking about the book yesterday.”

“And I think,” said Barbie Andersen from Belle City, “that people are more sensitive when they are barefooted.   You want us to feel what Bilbo feels and think like Bilbo thinks.”

“That’s very good, Barbie.  I hadn’t thought of that.”

“The real reason,” said Tim Kellogg, Norwall boy and most difficult child in the class, “is that you like the smell of stinky feet.”

Everyone busted out in a belly laugh, including Miss Morgan.

“Okay,” said Miss Morgan, “Now that I can smell all of your stinky feet, I need you to gather around in a circle.  As we take on each question from the study guide, we will go around the circle and get an answer or a comment from each of you.  We will talk about each question until everyone has said at least one thing and we have made an agreement on what the best answer is.”

At that moment, the first-year teacher from next door appeared in the doorway.  “Miss Morgan,” said Miss Krapplemacher, “the noise from this classroom is eroding my standards of discipline again.”

“I’m sorry, Miss Abby,” said Miss Morgan, smiling and speaking through gritted teeth.  She resisted the urge to call her Miss Krabby, the way all her science students did.  Miss Krabby insisted on a silent classroom and made students fill out worksheets all period.  “We will try to be quieter.  We are doing a discussion assignment, though.”

“Well, okay.  But stifle the laughing.  It’s hard to achieve serious learning with all the laughing going on next door.”

“We promise we will only talk about depressing things this period,” piped up Tim Kellogg.  “No more laughter this period.”

Bless the little black-hearted teacher’s kid.  Miss Morgan silently appreciated the imp as Miss Krapplemacher made vibrating fists with both hands and stormed out.  Tim was Miss Krabby’s least favorite science student of all time.

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The Wright County Fair in Eagle Grove Iowa (a photo essay)

 

 

 

We went to the county fair today and I got a chance to relive an important part of my childhood.DSCN5176

 

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Goofy Illustration

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Superchicken

Today I finished the re-write on my novel Superchicken,  I have only been working on it since 1988.  The title came from my high school nickname.  I was a nerd with the ability to play tackle football to a level that impressed all the guys who were bigger and stronger than me.  It became my superhero name.  So I put it into a book that is filled with stories within stories.  Many of the stories are true.  Some are just big goofy lies.  I hope to make people laugh a little with it.  I hope people are not offended a lot.  But if I polish it any more than it is, I will have polished holes clear through it

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The signature on the portrait of the Superchicken is simply my name spelled backwards.

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Rowan, Iowa

Here is a tap-dance made of photographs to musically and terpsichorially depict my old home town.

10475969_298109007017454_846022390001380906_o Hollyhocks photographed by Belinda Buchanan.

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The Amazing, Magical Miss Morgan

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Okay, the thing is, I was a teacher for 31 years.  I need to use that for something.  If I had any choice, I’d still be teaching, but since I can’t do that, I intend to create a story that uses my teaching experience, knowledge, and talent.  I finally came up with the right idea, and the prewriting has begun to flow.  Francis Morgan is an unmarried teacher lady with a very Mary Poppins-like quality, but the magic is all in the teaching methods.  I am pitting the hero of this little tale against the most appropriate educational villain I could think of, a principal who used to be a coach.  Issues of teacher-creativity versus wrong-headed notions of school discipline will provide the conflict and the fireworks.  And I intend to write it with a double layer of goopy purple comedy, because if she is going to be a sixth grade English teacher it either has to be a comedy or a complete horror story.  I am too much of a coward to write anything that scary.  If you are interested at all in how such a goofy little project is progressing, by all means check back in the future.

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Norman Rockwell

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When I was a boy in the 1960’s I looked forward to Grandma Aldrich’s Saturday Evening Post arriving at the end of her farm lane in the mailbox.  We were at Grandpa and Grandma’s farm north of town almost every day.  I often went to get the mail.  This one magazine was supremely important to me, not because I liked to read the articles, that was too much like school, but because of the wonderful pictures on the cover.  Norman Rockwell had established himself by that time as THE cover artist.  He wasn’t on every single issue, but he was on most.  And the world inside his paintings was filled with the kind of gentle humor, beautiful color, and wisdom tempered by love that I wanted to imitate.  I wanted to paint just like that… and if I couldn’t, then I would find a way to tell stories in words the same way I saw them in his oils.  I could gush more about the humble painter from New England, but I think it would serve my love of his work more just to show you what I mean;

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Space Cowboys, the Kid Variety

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Here are two more deadly mutant kid ninjas from Aeroquest.   When the Pan Galactican Union fell to the mysterious space invaders known as the Scondians, these two mutant boys were among the flood of refugees who escaped to the Human Imperium.   Gyro son of Jor is a Nebulon.  That means he is a member of an inter-stellar race whose humanity is in question.  His skin is blue and highly radiation resistant.  On top of his Nebulon qualities, he is a Psion Trans-muter who can mentally alter molecules, sometimes even fusing simple atoms into more complex ones.  He is also very inventive.  He can change a simple computer into a mini-attack-bot, a computer into a video game machine, or a vehicle into video game machine… well, he’s a teenager, so virtually anything can become a video game machine.  He laughs easily, even at things that aren’t funny, and doesn’t mind when others call him a Space Smurf, because he doesn’t know what that means.  Billy Iowa is his best friend and fellow survivor.  If Gyro’s family hadn’t rescued Billy from Scondian captivity, he would’ve remained on Pan Galactica as a laboratory test subject.  Unlike many of the Pan Galactican Space Cowboys, he is not prejudiced against Nebulons.  In fact, as an orphan, he looks at them more as family than as an inferior race.  His Psion power is Clairvoyance, allowing him to see times and places where he is not present, even to the extent that he can accurately predict the future.  He’s a better karate and kung fu student than Gyro, but as student ninjas go, all the rest of his dojo can beat the crap out of him.  So, these two Space Cowboys, both boys, provide a lot of the comedy relief in the Aero Dojo.  They are of course, not nearly as dangerous as the girls are, but don’t insult them never-the-less.  Billy can tell you how you will die, and Gyro will make unbelievably corny jokes about it.

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Mark Twain

Mark TwainMark Twain, real name Samuel Clemens, is my hero. He lived a long and difficult life, but he lived it with grace and humor… most of the time…well, some of the time. I would very much like to be just like him… ‘cept I ain’t dead yet and have no plans on that score… but I would like to also be like him in having something important to say that can be said to somebody who isn’t even born yet, a hundred years or more from now, the way that Mark Twain spoke to me.

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June 27, 2014 · 3:35 pm

Taffy King, Deadly Mutant Teenage Lizard-Girl Ninja From Outer Space

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I told you about Mai Ling the other day.  This is her classmate, her BFF, and her fellow student ninja from the planet Gaijin in the 53rd Century.  Unlike Mai, Taffy is royalty.  She is a former princess of the planet Mingo, her family being supplanted and exiled by the Nefarious Emperor Mong.  Like all Mingoans, she is a member of the Fusion Race.  They are people scientifically engineered to be half Earth human and half Galtorrian reptilian humanoid.    She has lovely green eyes, vertically slitted, with the look of a cobra about them.  She is just as deadly as her eyes make her seem.  Her Psion power is basically telekinesis, the same as Mai Ling’s power, but she uses it in a very different fashion.  Taffy likes to move and manipulate tiny objects in mass.  She shapes things out of sand, water droplets, smoke, living wasps, or bees.  She can trap you withing a sarcophagus made of sand with no breathing holes.  She can dress you in a suit of stinging wasps.  On top of that, she has ninja skills that allow her to slice and dice you with blades or even kill you with her bare hands.  She’s not actually vain, but you should never tell her that her hair is mussed or that her clothing isn’t perfectly in style.  She has killed bozos like us for less.

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