Tag Archives: humor

What Mickey’s Magical Tome says about Horror and Fear

I never could watch only the start of the monster movie, the late-night Saturday creature feature.  Once begun, I had to see it to the very end.  I had to know the evil was ended and the horror was defeated.If I did not find out, then nightmares ensued.  The night I watched John Carpenter’s original Halloween, I had to get up in the night and check the closet fifteen times.  I almost didn’t survive number thirteen, nearly dying from dread, and the light stayed on for the rest of the night.  I need to see that which scares me in the light of reason and hope.  I need to face my fears and overcome them with mental and spiritual power.  No story is ever wholly unreal, and no enemy stalks me forever without end.

(You probably can’t read it, but my magical tome contains a list of magic words, words that mean “magic”, incantations against the fear of the dark.)

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One… Two… Three Little Things!

One thing you can always count on when you read something by Stuart R. West is a good laugh.  He has such a firm grasp on the awkwardness and life-or-death embarrassments of being a teenager in high school.  I know what I’m talking about.  As a teacher I have been laughing at teenage troubles for 31 years now.  Tex, Olivia, Elspeth, and the gang are so realistic that I could name the kids in real life they correspond to… well, except maybe for the witch thing… and the ghost thing… and the opening the gateway to Hell thing…  Oy!  Two things you can always count on when you read something by Stuart is a good laugh and some utterly creepy and scary supernatural hoodoo.  Yes, ghosts in the boys’ restroom… undead possession of teenage female souls… sleep spells that can save your life and electrical spells that can blow out the lights in the whole city… there’s a real creep-a-thon going on here.  And there’s a little thing about an unsolved murder…  Oy! Oy! Oy!  Okay, Three things you can always count on when you read something by Stuart…!  Yeah, there’s the whodunit factor too.  I used to be pretty clever at reading Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie… I knew the solution to the mystery nine times out of… well, a thousand.  But Stuart always fools me.  I didn’t get this one, and I’m betting you won’t either.  So… now, wait a minute!  Is it four things?  Five?  I’m going math-challenged here!  Anyway, if you know anything about good books, you will like this book, second installment in the trilogy, at least as much as I did.

 

This is a review of Stuart R. West’s book Tex, and the Gangs of Suburbia, available at Amazon.com (http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Tex%2C+and+the+Gangs+of+Suburbia).

 

You should definitely give it a look.


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Stuart’s Tag

So, I get this message from my writer friend Stuart West;

Well, crap, Matthew Peters tagged me in a new writer thingy. So I’m tagging five of you unlucky folks as well. Apparently it’s all about the opening sentences. So…drop the opening sentences of the first three chapters of your current WIP. Then pass on the love and agony.

Here’s mine:

*Bombing, crashing like an airplane dipping into an ocean, but worse, I couldn’t even make a splash.

*So I have a daughter. She just turned eight. She bugs the crap outta’ me with a lotta’ tough questions.

*Twenty minutes after seven, and halfway through my second cup of Sake, I began to experience the sinking feeling I’d been stood up.

Taken out of context, it does read kinda’ strange, doesn’t it? It’s called Demon With a Comb-Over. It’s complicated, it’s complicated.

Okay! Here’re the unlucky writers I’ve chosen to pester/bug/tag:
Suzanne deMontigny, Meradeth Houston, Jeff Chapman, Heather Brainerd, and Michael Beyer. Have at it, gang.

 
Chat Conversation End
 
 

Seen by Meradeth, Jeff, Matthew

 
My current WIP (Work In Progress) is a novel called The Bicycle Wheel Genius.  It is in the rough draft stage, so I am not even familiar with the chapter leads myself.  Here goes nothing…
Canto One – In the dark corners of the house in 1984
The stupid boy was easily followed home. When he patted the little Pomeranian dog on her fuzzy head, he entered through the back door, unlocking it with his key.  He went in to make his afternoon peanut butter sandwich, stupidly leaving the door unlocked.  The man in black couldn’t have asked for a better outcome.
Canto Two… Norwall, Iowa, population 278, in the Year 1988
Norwall, like many small towns in Iowa, had not changed more than a particle or two a year from about 1919 to around 1982. It had a main street.  The houses were done mostly in the Victorian style, with its various porches and bay windows and corner tower-like structures.  It was a sleepy-quiet   little farm town where practically nothing ever happened.  It was mostly set up for farm business.  There was a grain elevator at the west end of Main Street, and a lumber yard at the southern end of Whitten Avenue.  It was not unusual to see tractors parked in town along with the family cars and farmers’ pickup trucks.

Canto Three – At the Ghost House on the Edge of Pixeley’s Junk Yard

It was hard to believe that it had been almost three months since the last time a meeting of the Norwall Pirates had been called at the Ghost House.Tim arrived there well before the agreed-upon time and was slightly miffed that no one else had shown up yet.  It came from having a girl as a leader.  His cousin Valerie was a good person, and he loved her, and all that, but she was far too caught up in doing girly things to really take her job as grand and glorious and mostly notorious leader of the Pirates seriously enough.  He dropped his bicycle in the un-mowed grass and marched through the burrs and the weeds towards the foundation and cellar that was now all that remained of the Ghost House.

Okay, okay… incredibly mundane, I know…  It’s just a rough draft.  The opening of Canto Two is particularly clunky.  Time and multi-facet crap-detectors with supercharged triple D batteries should help.  Here’s a Bicycle-Wheel Paffooney to make it a little better.

Millis

 

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Sean “Cudgel” Murphy

 

 

DScudgel

The kind of writing I do requires a special class of character that I refer to as a clown. I revealed one already that I used in my novel Snow Babies, that character is the unsuccessful businessman Harker Dawes. He is a pratfall clown, the kind used in Three Stooges movies. He is the subject of numerous physical abuses from other characters and from his own incompetent hand. He is funny because he always seems to survive these terrible episodes, and we are really, really glad that we are not him.
The second clown from Snow Babies, and also used in the novel I am now writing, The Bicycle Wheel Genius, is a dirty old man named Cudgel Murphy. He is a Mrs. Malaprop sort of character who says things that are wickedly mistaken, but not totally unintentional. He loves to drink (drinks other than water, coffee, or sodapop), and what he drinks makes him less than sociable. His is Irish by ancestry and by temperament. He is quick to fight, and slow to forgive, but able to laugh at himself when he discovers he is in the wrong. He loves to fight verbally with his daughter-in-law, Mary Murphy, and adores her children, his grandchildren, particularly Danny Murphy and little sister Dilsey.
The great love of his life was not his wife, who apparently died fairly young as a way of escaping the evil old man. It was instead a car, a 1955 Austin Hereford, an English-made car that Cudgel routinely says is, “the finest car made anywhere in the world in 1955.” She is his baby, and he keeps her running for more than thirty years despite driving her far too fast, too far, and with all sorts of evil brews in her gas tank in place of normal gasoline.
The Paffooney shows the evil old man posing with his wonder-car in front of the Congregational Church in Norwall, Iowa. His face, though unnaturally red by both liquid and temperamental fire looks far more innocent and harmless that it really is. One never knows for sure what is on his scrappy old mind, but you can be sure it will turn out to be funny in one way or another.
Clowns are essential to the kind of fiction I like to write. Sean “Cudgel” Murphy is a good one of those. So good, in fact, I may have to kill him off in the current book. He has a tendency to take over the story and make himself a hero.

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Another Milestone!

milestone 1000

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July 18, 2014 · 3:04 pm

Miss Morgan Begins

As one novel is finished, another begins.  Here are the first cantos written for Magical Miss Morgan.

Miss Morgan one

A creative young teacher named Miss Francis Morgan

 

Canto 1 – Under the Classroom

Three of the bravest representatives the Erlking could muster were walking through the metal tunnel that the slow ones called a heating duck.  Why they called it that was anyone’s guess.  The three had seen nary a single duck.  It was a big risk, entering the land of the slow ones.  You never knew when they might squish you with a fly slapper or zap you with an ani-bug-lite.   These were three of the bravest of the Wee People in all of the Kingdom of Minutiae.  The leader was a Pixie, tall for his kind at two inches.  His name was Donner, Thunder in the language of the Wee People.  His lithe body was a creamy greenish tan with gossamer wings of transparent stained glass.  The girl was called Silkie, a Storybook who looked completely human… completely blond-haired, Nordic human, but only an inch and a half tall, dressed entirely in green leaves stitched together by one of the Erlking’s stitch-witches.  And the third, brought along for the sake of muscle, not brain-power, was Garriss the weak-minded, a fire-bodied Wisp.  His naked form was made of actual flame, but held together by magic in a way that he could not burn anyone or anything without using the cone of fire spell burned into his flaming hands.  He could’ve burned the entire structure of the slow ones to the ground, so powerful was he…  Yet he would not have the first idea how to go about it without careful direction from one of the others.

“If we are going to find the one the wizard spoke of,” said Donner, “We must proceed to the place called a glass-room.”

“I think the wizard said it was a classroom,” said Silkie resolutely.  Slow one speech was a mystery to all the Wee Folk, but Silkie at least had studied it with the help of the wizard’s apprentice Pippin.

“I hope it is not a class room,” said Garriss.  “I am considered of such a low class that they will certainly reject me.”

“A pain made of brass is the ass without class,” sighed Donner, reciting the old stitch-witch saying.

“Up ahead,” said Silkie, pointing, “is a place where the warm air flows upwards.  It is some kind of doorway made of bars, a grate or something.”

“Yes, we can at least look up into that room,” said Donner.  “Mayhap it is the correct glass-room.”

The three wee adventurers drew up to the edge.  Looking upward they saw a group of children moving desks to the edges of the room, and a lady in her early thirties standing in the center directing them.

 

Canto 2 – Miss Morgan’s Class

“All right, kiddie-winkies,” said Miss Morgan, “now that we have the space for our talking circle created, we must take off our shoes and socks.  Bare feet only!”

“Why must we do that, Miss M?” asked Blueberry Bates, a girl with a very concerned scowl.

Miss Morgan loved the Six-Twos better than any of her other classes… and that was saying something because she really loved them all.  Six-Two, however, had the most Norwall kids in it of all her classes, and Norwall kids were a little more imaginative and empathetic than the Belle City kids, or the Goodwell kids, or the Klempke kids.  Besides, she had once been a Norwall kid herself.  It was a very special little Iowa farm town to Miss Morgan.

“Who can tell Blueberry why we have to have bare feet for this discussion?” Miss M asked the whole group.

“Well,” said Mike Murphy, a Norwall rapscallion and a Pirate, “we’re studying the Hobbit by Tolkien.   Hobbits all go barefoot all the time.”

“Very good, Michael.  He’s right.  But why does it help for us all to be barefoot?”

“Maybe it helps us feel like the main character Bilbo,” said Billy Klatthammer, the plump son of the Klempke, Iowa real estate king.

“Right.  But why is it important to feel like Bilbo?”

“He’s an every-man character,” said Frosty Anderson, a Norwall farm kid.  “We have to identify with him as we travel through the world of Middle Earth.  He’s supposed to be just like us.”

“My, my… Someone was listening when I was talking about the book yesterday.”

“And I think,” said Barbie Andersen from Belle City, “that people are more sensitive when they are barefooted.   You want us to feel what Bilbo feels and think like Bilbo thinks.”

“That’s very good, Barbie.  I hadn’t thought of that.”

“The real reason,” said Tim Kellogg, Norwall boy and most difficult child in the class, “is that you like the smell of stinky feet.”

Everyone busted out in a belly laugh, including Miss Morgan.

“Okay,” said Miss Morgan, “Now that I can smell all of your stinky feet, I need you to gather around in a circle.  As we take on each question from the study guide, we will go around the circle and get an answer or a comment from each of you.  We will talk about each question until everyone has said at least one thing and we have made an agreement on what the best answer is.”

At that moment, the first-year teacher from next door appeared in the doorway.  “Miss Morgan,” said Miss Krapplemacher, “the noise from this classroom is eroding my standards of discipline again.”

“I’m sorry, Miss Abby,” said Miss Morgan, smiling and speaking through gritted teeth.  She resisted the urge to call her Miss Krabby, the way all her science students did.  Miss Krabby insisted on a silent classroom and made students fill out worksheets all period.  “We will try to be quieter.  We are doing a discussion assignment, though.”

“Well, okay.  But stifle the laughing.  It’s hard to achieve serious learning with all the laughing going on next door.”

“We promise we will only talk about depressing things this period,” piped up Tim Kellogg.  “No more laughter this period.”

Bless the little black-hearted teacher’s kid.  Miss Morgan silently appreciated the imp as Miss Krapplemacher made vibrating fists with both hands and stormed out.  Tim was Miss Krabby’s least favorite science student of all time.

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The Wright County Fair in Eagle Grove Iowa (a photo essay)

 

 

 

We went to the county fair today and I got a chance to relive an important part of my childhood.DSCN5176

 

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Goofy Illustration

laugh

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Superchicken

Today I finished the re-write on my novel Superchicken,  I have only been working on it since 1988.  The title came from my high school nickname.  I was a nerd with the ability to play tackle football to a level that impressed all the guys who were bigger and stronger than me.  It became my superhero name.  So I put it into a book that is filled with stories within stories.  Many of the stories are true.  Some are just big goofy lies.  I hope to make people laugh a little with it.  I hope people are not offended a lot.  But if I polish it any more than it is, I will have polished holes clear through it

.Superchick

 

The signature on the portrait of the Superchicken is simply my name spelled backwards.

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Rowan, Iowa

Here is a tap-dance made of photographs to musically and terpsichorially depict my old home town.

10475969_298109007017454_846022390001380906_o Hollyhocks photographed by Belinda Buchanan.

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