Tag Archives: humor

May 11, 2015 · 2:46 pm

Monday With The Daughter

Mondays are usually blue and difficult days. It is hard to get out of bed. And if they are hard for me, a retired old graybeard with few responsibilities beyond getting the kids out of bed and cooking breakfast and walking the dog and waking the kids up again and keeping the dog from eating the breakfast on the table and waking the kids up again and getting them out of bed for real and … well, they must be harder for kids, right?

So, I had the dog walked and breakfast served and the table cleared and we were getting ready to go to school and drop off beloved daughter at her middle school.

“I had a bad dream last night,” said the Princess. “A zombie was chasing me in a Minecraft landscape.”

“Ooh, sounds terrible. Were you by any chance playing computer games way too late last night? Maybe Minecraft?”

“Dad! It was a terrible nightmare. It made me lose sleep!”

“Did I ever tell you about my duck dream?”

“Aw, Dad! This was a scary dream, not funny.”

“Well, you know, sometimes you can have a dream and take control of it. It is called a lucid dream. If you just realize that you are dreaming, you can direct what happens. You can make a sword appear in your hand and cut the zombies’ heads off.”

“What happens when that doesn’t stop the zombie’s body from chasing you?”

“Well… look at the time. We are going to be late for school.”

“Oh, uh… I don’t have any money left in my lunch account at school.”

“You couldn’t have told me this Friday after school? I don’t have any money on me. We need to hurry and stop by the ATM at the bank on the way to school.”

So, we hurried to the bank. I handed her the twenty dollar bill.

“Um, Dad… I forgot my school I.D. at home.”

“Ah, yes… Monday.”

She made it to school at least five minutes before the late bell with money for lunch and her I.D. on so that she wouldn’t forget during the day who she actually was… well, if she did, she could at least remind herself with the I.D . Whether the zombie apocalypse happens and her dream comes true and my advice about nightmares actually saves her… I have my doubts. But with daughters, there is always hope. You hope that if you continue to feed them and get them to school on time, and talk about their fears, and address their numerous shortcomings with humor and understanding, they will turn out all right. And maybe, just maybe, they will pick a reasonably good nursing home to stick you in when you get so old and forgetful that you are too goofy to wear pants in public.

Cloudscapes

Once upon a time, the English poet and, I would argue, cartoonist, William Blake once said, “You look at the sky and see clouds, while I see the assembled heavenly host!” This is why my literature class in college about the Romantic Poets of his day made him out to be a certifiable nutcase who probably belonged in in a mental institution. (And back then, in the 1800’s, the sanitarium was a place where inconveniently crazy people went to die.)

Look at a couple of my cloudscapes. Do you see angels?

Cloudscapes (a poem)

Blue and white and filled with light…

The cloudscape burns with angels…

And wholly bought with grace unsought…

I long to fly with angels…

Are they really there in the cloud-filled air?

I see them there, they’re angels!

So, there you have it. I’m a loon. I don’t even have the excuse of being a Romantic Poet and well-known for my poetry as a defense against the loony bin. But as the matter stands, I am fully willing to accept the consequences. Creativity has its price. And, while you may not agree that I am somewhat creative, I am swimming in a vast ocean of perceived revelations that enriches me and fulfills me at the very same moment that it drains all the energy from my soul. If that is not what it means to see angels… then I do not know anything of use to anyone but me.

The word “angel” (according to Wikipedia, the source of all true knowledge) comes to English via Late Latin and the word “angelus” which the Romans stole from the Greek ἄγγελος ángelos, The ángelos is the default Septuagint’s translation of the Biblical Hebrew term mal’ākh denoting simply “messenger” without specifying its nature. (Notice, I am giving full credit to Wikipedia because it is far more all-knowing than I.)

I have many atheistic and agnostic notions in my ultimate belief systems, but still, I claim to be a Christian and believe in God Jehovah… within limits. I still communicate with God on a daily basis, and while I don’t publicly pray anymore (a notion promoted by the Biblical Jesus) I find answers to my questions and solutions to my problems from the observable universe around me.. the messengers of God. So, now that I have fully rationalized being crazy as a loon, I am going to tell you where that craziness is taking me. I started a new Paffooney for one of the books I am working on. Here is the pencil sketch;

This will be a picture of Valerie Clarke and her Daddy, the farmer Kyle Clarke. In my fiction, Kyle loses his farm to the bank (in the Family Farm Crisis of the 1980’s) and believing himself incapable of any longer supporting his family, kills himself. But the thing is, the love of his daughter transcends death for Kyle. She is able to reconnect with him time and again because the angels work for her as well as for Kyle. I may be loony and ill in real life, facing the Angel of Death myself, but I am not done doing God’s work… not yet… not for a long time to come.

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Filed under humor, Paffooney, poem

Tagged as angels, creativity, goofiness, humor, metaphor, novel writing, paffooney, pencil sketch, philosophy, photo Paffooney, poem, poetry, religion, William Blake

May 9, 2015 · 4:05 pm

It’s a Nerd Thing

Last night my family and I finally got to see the new Avengers movie. For me, it was a religious experience… even my wife, who never discusses my comic-book obsessions without raising at least one eyebrow, likes the Avengers movies… so I was able to share this sacred ritual with the whole family (minus the son in the Marine Corps who has already seen it.) The new wave of Marvel movies is a godsend. They are something that feeds my story-addicted tapeworm in ways that movies never have before. It meshes with my need to read comic books

If you hadn’t figured out the nerd facts by now, I am a comic book collector. I used to subscribe to Avengers, two Spiderman books, Iron Man, Captain America, the Incredible Hulk, the X-men, Daredevil, and Howard the Duck. Shamefully that is not a complete list.

A key to my love of the new Marvel movies is that the films actually consider the old comic-book story-lines while at the same time being willing to take the risk of changing the relationships between characters, inventing new characters, re-imagining old characters, and even (shudder) killing off characters. (Of course you realize, in comic books, all heroes eventually die, but none of them stay dead… through the miracle of comic book story-telling… Selah!)

Okay, now here’s what we comic-book nerds call a spoiler alert. This movie we saw last night provided changes to the Marvel universe that positively thrilled and enchanted me. Hawkeye, the bowman with entirely self-taught swashbuckler skills and no super-powers was revealed to have a wife and kids. His lady-Avenger friend Natasha, the Black Widow, has apparently known about the family all along and is even friends with his kids. Where once we presumed a romance between the two, we now find a redefinition of the relationship that changes everything. It even allows the story to set up a tragic romance between Natasha and Bruce Banner where she utters the classic line, “We are really both monsters,” in a very tender and heart-wrenching moment. The line is later repeated by Tony Stark to the Hulk, creating a beautifully done theme of the duality between hero and monster, hero and villain.

Two new Avengers are introduced and their tragic back-story is added to the hero vs. villain, hero vs. monster thematic mix. When I first started reading Avengers comics in the barber shop in my home town back in the 60’s Wanda and Pietro Maximoff, the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver, were already a fixed part of the Avengers, but their complex and convoluted back story as mutant children of Magneto raised by Gypsies had not yet been developed.

These beloved characters have always had a sinister side. You never knew for sure if you could trust them or count on them. They were children of Magneto and had been a part of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Wanda’s powers were dark, unpredictable, and potentially world-consuming. In this movie they are given a different back story, attached first to the Hydra villain Baron Strucker, and then to the ultimate villain of the piece, Ultron himself, the indestructible and omnipresent metal man.

The final piece of the delicious Avengers 2 pie is Ultron himself. Much like Thanos in the first movie, Ultron causes nerd-spasms in the love organs of comic-book nuts like me. Especially when such love and care was taken to get the story right. In the comics he was created by Hank Pym, also known as Ant-Man, and the movie changes his creator into Tony Stark and Bruce Banner. But the essential angst of the character, a Frankenstein’s monster sort of story, is still there. He both loves and hates his creator. There is an extended metaphor in Ultron’s eventual creation of the more human-like android Vision. Ultron keeps alluding to Pinocchio by repeating the phrase, “There are no strings on me,” and the Vision is portrayed as his attempt become a “real boy”. Yet, it is still a Frankenstein story. Just as Stark is afraid of his creation and fears his own destruction at Ultron’s hands, Ultron is most afraid of Vision, and the final piece of the Ultron personality is regretfully extinguished by Vision.

Now that my book report on this movie experience is drawing to a close, it is safe to conclude that the reason I loved it so much, besides the fact that I could share comic-book lore with my non-comic-book-reading family, is the depth of ideas in this movie, and the chance it gave me to reconnect with old stories, re-percolate them, and brew something entirely new.

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Filed under Avengers, humor, Paffooney

Tagged as Avengers, book report movie review, comic book, family movies, humor, nerd stuff, paffooney, Ultron

May 8, 2015 · 12:10 pm

Sailing Through a Sea of Ideas

I have been steadily chipping away at my science fiction novel about planet-saving in a world crashing with biological and political disaster. It is a comedy about the end of the world… though it is set on a distant planet that is not our world. It is not the Earth. It is the fictionalized world of David Icke’s reptilian aliens (for those of you crazy enough to follow loony-tunes tinfoil hat conspiracies with the same ironic gusto that I do). I call this novel Stardusters and Space Lizards. The world of the novel is accidentally being invaded by the Telleron aliens who starred in my novel Catch a Falling Star. They find there a world that is undergoing massive biological crises caused by war using weapons of mass destruction and injudicious exploitation of the environment for the enrichment of the elite. I know that sounds totally like Earth at present, but that is the purpose of a cautionary tale. This is the planet of the lizard people, Galtorr Prime.

But by now you are aware of the fact that I am a tremendously un-focused divergent thinker, and I already have more stories in the works. I fully intend to follow up this science fiction YA with a fantasy YA about the Norwall Pirates and South Seas Juju following an old sea captain born in Iowa all the way home from the mysterious island where he earned the curse of invisibility. It will be called The Captain Came Home or other such nonsense similar to that.

The novel about the Captain who is invisible has as its main character Valerie Clarke, who was also a main character in the novel Snow Babies. This novel is, however, set at a moment of time before the events of Snow Babies occur.

Never one to be satisfied with working on two novels at once, I have started a third. I finally came up with a name for this story that has been in my head since the 1970’s when I first learned about autism and mental disorders that affect communication. I am calling this one, for now, Fools and Their Toys.

This story is about Murray Dawes, a young man who can’t communicate with others due to autism that finally blossoms when a boy genius builds him a ventriloquist’s puppet in the form of a zebra’s head. Through the puppet the young man finds he has an awful lot to say, and he begins to bring the world around to realizations of some pretty awful things.

To prove that I have been doing at least my 500 words a day, here is the lead that I created today for this third active writing project that I’ve added to the juggling session of three novels at once.

Fools and Their Toys

I know you will probably say this is totally unbelievable, that an inanimate object… or, rather, a puppet who is animated by others, cannot be the narrator of a story. You are right, of course. I can’t possibly be the author of this tale. I am a modified sock puppet of a zebra with mechanically blinking eyes and mechanically enhanced mouth movements. My head is full of cotton stuffing and old newspapers. But I was cleverly put together by a genius, and given life by another.

You have to understand, the human mind is like a great complex Labyrinth where no man has ever mastered every single corridor. Sometimes the most beautifully complex minds become lost or trapped in a dead-end corridor, never to find the light outside again. But sometimes a special mind that was meant for special things is helped to find the light again… shown a trap door or a secret exit by another who has mastered at least a portion of the great, overly-complex dungeon. And sometimes it is possible to slip past the Minotaur who guards the secrets of the Labyrinth and keeps us all from unlocking the magic.

Okay, I know that is barely 200 words by itself… but I do get 500 done per day. I am writing two other books at the same time for gosh sakes!

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Filed under humor, NOVEL WRITING, Paffooney

Tagged as artwork, autism, colored pencil, divergent thinking, humor, invisibility, juggling novels, novel characters, novel writing, Paffoonies, story ideas

May 7, 2015 · 12:06 pm

My Classroom Gallery

Since beginning my career as a teacher in the 80’s, I have always had respect for student artwork. Often, I have had more respect than the artist did, as many of these artworks I have collected were retrieved from the trash can or the classroom floor. I collected these works of art, got students to sign them whenever it was possible, and always accepted any time the students offered to give me a doodle as a gift. I put them all in my old blue binder, itself a gift from a student, and called it my Classroom Gallery. Let me show you a few of the treasures I have hoarded over the years.

I do believe some of these artworks were intended to grease the wheels of justice and keep certain artists out of trouble… especially when they weren’t actually listening to my wonderful teaching. This example is one of many that put my name and reputation in large fancy letters made with scented markers.

Sometimes, however, I detected a more truthful take on things when I un-wadded masterpieces from the trash can. They would reveal a slightly different sentiment, though usually only a temporary one.

I also found a lot of masterpieces that were imitations of other things in their lives, things that meant more to them than English lessons, at least for that moment.

Some other things were more original.

And I even got artwork from other teachers. Noe Garza was a comic book artist. You should’ve seen his classroom Silver Surfer.

I have a lot of these things… so I can’t leave this post without showing you a few more.

Doctor Who

(All images in this post are borrowed from BBC, BBC America, Bowties are cool on Facebook, The Third Doctor on Facebook, Doctor Who Worldwide, and Doctor Who and the Tardis fan page)

The first picture in this post is my Paffooney for the day, a picture I drew myself in pen and ink and colored pencil. I felt it was about time that I wrote a post on Dr. Who. And that is a pun in more than one way. The Doctor? Doctor Who? Back up in time four sentences… or is that three? I felt it was about TIME that I wrote about the Doctor. You see, now that I am retired, I have become more than ever a time-traveler. Really. I mean it. We are ALL time-travelers. We normally go from the present into the future, traveling in one perceived direction. But yesterday I spoke to the ghost of a teacher who taught me in 1965 and 1966. Through the magic of memory we can revisit the past. Through the magic of dreams we can alter what happened and how we perceived it.

The first Doctor to me was John Pertwee, actually the Third Doctor. He was on PBS Channel 9 out of Des Moines. We watched him on Friday night, mostly my father and I, but sometimes my sisters too. As I went to college, Tom Baker took over as the Doctor, and we watched every episode we could. PBS went all the way back to William Hartnell and Patrick Troughton and I watched those too. I was devastated when Baker left in the 1980’s, but then was completely renewed as a fan when they chose Peter Davison to play the new Doctor. I was completely devastated when they canceled the series. When it came back in 2005, I could share it with my sons… though only the eldest showed any interest at all. My younger sister still watches Doctor Who and she watches with her kids. There is an element of this thing that runs in families.

This goofy Time Lord from Gallifrey has been gallivanting through time back and forth since 1963. He picks up young, pretty girls, and sometimes guys, and takes them with him, totally endangering their lives and even getting them killed. He fights malignant talking trash cans called Daleks, some dude who can also completely change out a new body called The Master, and all sorts of bizarre monsters from space and time The stories are always complex, loaded with comedy and occasionally science fiction, and the actor doing the juggling act of the title role has so far always been a totally unique and totally eccentric individual. The Doctor continues on now, for more than 50 years, and he keeps connecting the past to the future to the present and rewrites entire lifetimes of galaxies in the process.

I love Doctor Who, and will probably be watching it whenever I can right up to the time when I myself ultimately run out of time. I am quirky just like he is. I travel through time too. And I identify with him in ways I can’t even begin to describe. So, Who am I? Yes, I think I am.

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Filed under autobiography, Dr. Who, humor

Tagged as autobiography, Dr. Who, fan boy, humor, paffooney, television, time travel

May 5, 2015 · 12:43 pm

Conversations With the Ghost of Miss M…

Beneath the old cottonwood tree there once stood a one-room school house. My mother went to school there as a girl, a short walk from home along the Iowa country road. Misty mornings on a road between cornfields and soybean fields can often conjure up ghosts.

I took this morning walk with the dog while I was visiting my old Iowegian home, and I was writing my fictional story Magical Miss Morgan in my head, not yet having had time to sit down and write. I was reflecting on times long past and a school long gone, though Miss Morgan’s story is really about my own teaching experience. Miss Morgan is in many ways me. But I am not a female teacher. I am a goofy old man. So, why am I writing the main character as a female?

Well, the ghosts from the old school house heard that and decided to send an answer.

Miss Mennenga was my third grade and fourth grade teacher from the Rowan school. The building I attended her classes in has been gone for thirty years. Miss M herself has long since passed to the other side. So when she appeared at the corner… Yes, I know… I have said countless times that I don’t believe in ghosts, but she had the same flower-patterned dress, the glasses, the large, magnified brown eyes that could look into your soul and see all your secrets, yet love you enough to not tell them to anyone else. Suddenly, I knew where the character of Miss Morgan had actually come from. I also realized why I was drawn to teaching in the first place. Teachers teach you more than just long division, lessons about the circulatory systems of frogs, and the Battle of Gettysburg… They shape your soul.

“You remember getting in trouble for doing jokes in class when you were supposed to be studying your spelling words?”

“Yes, Miss M, but I didn’t make any noise.. they were pantomime jokes that I stole from watching Red Skelton on TV.”

“But you pulled your heart out of your chest and made it beat in your hand. You had to know that was going to make the boys smirk and the girls giggle.”

“I did. But making them happy was part of the reason God put me there.”

“But not during spelling. I was trying to teach math to fourth graders. You interrupted.”

“You made that point. I still remember vividly. You let me read the story to the class out loud afterwords. You said I needed to use my talent for entertaining to help others learn, not distract them from learning.”

“I was very proud of the way you learned that lesson.”

“I tried very hard as a teacher to never miss a teachable moment like that. It was part of the reason that God put you there.”

“And I did love to hear you read aloud to the class. You were always such an expressive reader, Michael. Do you remember what book it was?”

“It was Ribsy, by Beverly Cleary. How could I have forgotten that until now? You made me love reading out loud so much that I always did it in my own classes, at every opportunity.”

I remembered the smile above all else as the lingering image faded from my view through the eyes of memory. She had a warm and loving smile. I can only hope my goofy grin didn’t scare too many kids throughout my career.

I needed a post for 1000 Voices that was about reconnecting with someone. I could’ve used any number of real life examples from everything that has happened to me since poor health forced me to retire from teaching I could’ve written any number of things that would not make me feel all sad and goopy about retiring and would not make me cry at my keyboard again like I am doing now… like I did all through that silly novel I wrote… even during the funny parts. But I had to choose this. A debt had to be paid. I love you, Miss M… and I had to pay it forward.

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Filed under 1000 Voices Speak for Compassion, humor, photo paffoonies

Tagged as compassion, ghosts, goofiness, humor, novel characters, novel writing, photo Paffooney, retirement, teaching

May 4, 2015 · 11:52 am

A Silly Side-Note and Picture Paffooney

I was trying to figure out a way to cheat today and post something that didn’t take a lot of time and effort, but appealed to an audience looking for humor, art, poop jokes, cute kids, or inspiration, or whatever the heck else people make the mistake of looking at my blog for. I came up with this amalgam. Amalgam is a good word. It means different things all mashed up together to make something new. You will note I took several old things I have already done and mushed them together into a single bizarre Paffooney picture of mostly pink and blue. I promise that I will work harder tomorrow to do whatever it is that I actually do… and for today… well, it isn’t totally bad. I usually do very similar stuff, but with way more words.

Here is a close-up of the prose-poem in case you don’t want to make the effort it takes to click on the picture and blow it up a bit;

This and That

Okay, I know I claim to be a conspiracy theorist when it comes to aliens and 9-11… I am… totally loony and tinfoil-hat-wearing… can’t let those men in black read my mind, right? But those crazy ideas are based on facts that I have uncovered and investigations into the obvious and admitted manipulations of those facts that have come out over time… from credible whistle-blowers and witnesses. What is going on in Texas right now is not that, and not my fault. I don’t adhere to any Alex-Jones-2nd-Amendment-FEMA-death-camps sort of conspiracy theories. President Obama is NOT planning an attack on Texas with these routine military exercises involving Green Berets and Navy Seals. The crap thinking that motivated Governor Greg Abbott to activate the Texas National Guard to oversee the military exercises is stupid-headed paranoid Republican propaganda. I am trying to make humor here out of scary Texas political poop, but this is too wacko to even joke about.

To totally change the topic and talk about something else, I may have inadvertently changed one of my collections that feed my hoarding disorder mental illness… I was very poetically snapping pictures of the sunrise when I walked the dog every morning and calling that “collecting sunrises”. But I started taking other dog-walking photos, like cloud shots and moon shots and sunset shots. Uh-oh! More time lost to collecting things pointlessly… or is that how art happens? the artist finding certain observations to be spiritually and creatively fulfilling… and tries to share that fulfillment? Or when you consider the Avengers Coke cans… is it clinically a concern?

Okay, let’s switch again… Friday night my daughter, the Princess, was inducted into the National Junior Honor Society. This happened at her middle school, Dan F. Long, home of the Falcons.

They had this wonderful candle-lighting ceremony filled with wonderful things. I experienced several of what Ralph Waldo Emerson calls “spots of time” in which there is a transcendent moment that carries you far beyond the daily dose of mundane. The first one was when the Falcon orchestra, complete with cellos and violins, was playing a waltz. The principal was in the hallway with his young daughter to greet the parents and friends attending the ceremony. The two of them, the extremely competent and hard-nosed black principal and his pretty little black daughter began to waltz together, not even thinking that some of us seated in the cafetorium might see them do it. I couldn’t help but think, “while Baltimore burns… if only we had more of this!” And more wonderful things followed. The NJHS faculty sponsor was a teacher I subbed for a decade ago. She is a determined and bubbly little woman who impressed me once upon a time with her detailed planning and sharp methods. This little woman could throw big bad trouble-making boys around the room (metaphorically of course) to get her point across and make lessons happen. I saw her in action. She was tough and ambitious in spite of being small and always smiling. And the Princess was inducted with a candle ceremony (a potential disaster waiting to happen in a middle school setting) in which she was in the middle of three rows on the stairs… and no one set anyone else’s hair on fire. And we’re talking seventh-grade nerd-boys standing with a lighted candle behind seventh-grade girls with long hair!

And finally I wanted to share with you the progress I have made on cardboard castles. I have made all of this so far with my own two arthritic claws using Ritz Cracker boxes, Honey Nut Cheerios boxes, tape, scissors, and glue. I have only glued fingers together once and managed not to accidentally cut off any necessary part of my body (fingernails don’t actually count, do they?). Why am I doing nutty stuff like this? Well, I’m retired. What am I supposed to do? Sensible real-world stuff? Get real.

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Filed under autobiography, humor, photo paffoonies

Tagged as collecting, conspiracy theory, goofiness, humor, opinions, photo Paffooney

May 2, 2015 · 12:15 pm

Welcome to Animal Town

This is Wildcat Street in AnimalTown. It is a cartoon setting where some of my stranger dreamy-time cartoon stories take place. One of my magical tomes is a self-created cartoon dreamworld where the plot is my life story told through the cartoon interpretations of my dreams. AnimalTown is only one of the many settings from that long and graphically goofy tale. There is also ClownTown, the Pirates’ Nest, Monster Mansion, Toon City, Crumpwell’s Wild West Ranch, and the Toonworld Space Port, along with other weird and wacky corners of my imagination’s geography. I am thinking of expanding my blog to include web cartoons in story form… and if I do, I have a few wowser-oonie stories to share set here in AnimalTown. It is a place run mostly by the prominent Moosewinkle family, headed by Mayor Moosewinkle, Judge Roy Moosewinkle, and prominent and incompetent attorney Woolbinkle J. Moosewinkle. (There is obviously no connection what-so-ever with the cartoons I watched as a kid. Surely those could not affect my dreams.) The various stores and businesses in downtown AnimalTown all have to try to stay in business with stiff competition from Walrusmart, which is rumored to be secretly controlled by pirates.

Here is AnimalTown resident and sometime teenage know-it-all, Mandy Panda the panda-girl with panda-child Henry Panda, they are both immigrants from the distant Pandalore Islands where they originally spoke the Pandalog language.

I actually teach here in AnimalTown (in my dreams, I mean), and I do it in my rabbit incarnation, Mr. Reluctant Rabbit.

So here is a classroom scene with me doing my wonderful teaching with my gigantic magical pencil. (I sometimes refer to the magical pencil as Larry… but everybody knows only crazy people name their pencils.)

So, let us see what happens when a crazy person dreams cartoon dreams and draws them down to blog on his blog with repetitive repetition of the same tired jokes and jolly paffoonery.

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Filed under cartoons, humor, Paffooney

Tagged as action figures, Animal Town, cartoons, goofiness, humor, paffooney, pen and ink

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Monday With The Daughter

Cloudscapes

It’s a Nerd Thing

Sailing Through a Sea of Ideas

My Classroom Gallery

Doctor Who

Conversations With the Ghost of Miss M…

A Silly Side-Note and Picture Paffooney

This and That

Welcome to Animal Town

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