Category Archives: goofiness

April Showers

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I have always believed the point of April showers was to bring May flowers.  But the showers this April are merely making the flowers wet, since they are already here.

Last night was like that.  Drippy rain followed by thundershowers… quaking in safety as the world gets wet.

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I worry about global warming and the possible end of life on Earth.  But flowers each spring are a hopeful sign.  The world is renewing itself after the winter of our discontent.  In fact, a couple of years ago, the daffodils came out in February and got frozen to death in the week following their bold attempt to bloom early.  It just goes to prove that daffodils are the dumbest of all flowers.  I drew a portrait of one of them.  Daffy O’Dill posed for this shortly before his fateful encounter with the weed whacker.

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But pictures of the flowers in our yard are like the pictures of sunrises that I collect.  As I get older and enter the late winter months of my little life, they give me hope and consolation.  I hate to think that when my life ends the rest of humanity will soon follow.  Pessimists like me have good reason to think such things might be the case.  But there is also reason for hope.  Flowers are a sign of hope.  Flowers are a sign that life renews itself.  Flowers bloom, and the bees come, and seeds develop, and everything continues to grow.  Flowers make God smile.

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So, the rain came down, and in spite of possible hail and thunderstorms, wind and possible tornadoes, there are flowers.  In fact, look at this humongous rose growing in our neighbor’s tree.  If it actually came from outer space, it may be very well looking to eat us… eat our evil dentist at the very least.  And I found a novel way to get another good post out of my flower pictures.

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Life Inside

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There is a certain amount of frustration that comes with age and arthritis and limited ability to move.  A good share of the time I am stuck within my bedroom/studio.  Bad weather and weather changes, as well as the strains of housework, stiffen my back into immobility.  So, I am stuck exploring not the outside world, but the inner world of stories, pictures, and my own imagination.

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Of course, one has to beware of a life lived in imagination and isolation.  Some of it can be kinda wicked and dangerous.  Okay, maybe not, but definitely in danger of overwhelming goofiness.  As you can see, I take a bit of my artwork and use photo-shop to make even goofier arty things.  I experiment and stick stuff together just for the heck of it.

I suppose this is probably evidence a good psychiatrist could use to keep me locked up for a while.  But I’m kinda stuck anyway in my little room.

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The Uncritical Critic Watches Another Quirky Movie

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Yesterday was a weird day.  If you looked carefully at the mental map I made of Mickey’s head the other day, you realize that Uncle Slappy’s Big Box of Weirdness occupies a key position in the top center.  I had a traffic accident in the parking lot of Long Middle School yesterday morning, banging bumpers with a lady named Vilma.  The sun was in my eyes, and she started to go, then suddenly stopped for no reason I could see.  No damage was done to anything but my pride.  My wife put her parents, Tatang and Inang, on an airplane yesterday bound for the Philippine Islands, going home for a visit.  Afterwards, my wife was feeling mortal, betting me that she was going to die before me even though I have the head start of six incurable diseases and surviving cancer once already.  There are no symptoms for her impending heart attack, so I will probably win that bet.  But the point is, it was a weird time yesterday to stumble weirdly over a weird and wacky movie on Netflix called Moonrise Kingdom.  It is a Romeo and Juliet sort of story about two twelve-year-olds who fall in love at first sight, and though their families try to keep them apart, they end up together.  Thankfully it is not a Shakespearian Tragedy where everybody dies at the end, though Sam is struck by lightning and the big storm nearly drowns all the boy scouts.  It is more like a Shakespearian Comedy where everybody gets married at the end, though the twelve-year-olds don’t get married at the end… rather, they are married by the middle.

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Wes Anderson is the genius director behind movies like;

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None of which I have seen, but now have to watch ALL of them sooner or later.  Kinda like the mad quest to see every Tim Burton movie ever made.  I am one of the few idiots out there who think Dark Shadows was a truly wonderful movie, and along with Edward Scissor-hands, one of the finest things Johnny Depp has ever done.

In Moonrise Kingdom Anderson uses tracking shots at the beginning that shift quickly from one room to the next in a way that invokes an old-time slide show.  The story is set in 1965 in Maine, and is filled with all kinds of iconic references to things we 60’s kids all vividly recall.

The movie also tells the love story of Sam and Suzy with a painter’s sense of iconic pictures that focus you on important plot points and themes.

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And there are numerous quotable bits that make the movie what we teachers refer to as a text-rich environment, complete with phony kids’ books and maps and notes.

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The all-star cast is pretty good, too.

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This is now one of my new favorite movies.  It is a happy-ending-type fairy tale with no fairies in it.  It is full of ineffectual and incompetent adults who have rules of behavior like grown-ups and motivations like goofy kids… just like real life.  The plot is driven by the notion that anything you do in life is a mistake, and mistakes have consequences, but you have to do them anyway because, well… that’s life.

Am I telling you that you should watch this movie too?  Well, you should… but, no.  I am simply gushing about this quirky movie because I like it, and yesterday was a very weird day.

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Fairy Tales and Dragons (with pointillism)

Going through my old drawing portfolio, I found my children’s book project from my undergrad college years.  I have no idea now looking at the illustrations what the story was even about.  I lost the actual story, and I never made a cover for it.  But here is a look at old hopes and dreams and a way of seeing the world that begins; Once Upon a Time…

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I have no earthly idea what the heck this story is even about, but I do like the pen and ink work, and probably couldn’t repeat it if I had to.

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The Notion That Pictures Are Stories

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There are things that you have in your pointy little head sometimes that can’t be said in words.  They are like the sparks of truth you find in dreams… they make no sense at all if you take them out of the theater that plays in your head and shine the light of actual day upon them.  They only have meaning inside your mind, where it is dark and safe and ideas percolate, breed, and become dangerous.  There is enough magic in dreams to solve the world’s problems.  And yet, if try to take it out into the real world to use it, it evaporates and becomes a pointless silly pile of goofiness.

Case in point, in dreams it is marvelously wonderful to be naked in the jungle.  Nothing between you and the raw nature around you.  It works in dreams.  It works when you read Rudyard Kipling’s The First Jungle Book.  But in real life, the sun will burn you, the rats will chew your bare toes, and the mosquitoes will drink all your blood.

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What viewed from the outside is irrational and unfathomable, makes perfect sense from the inside looking out.  What do these words even mean?  You must be asleep to really know.  I speak of that inner knowing… that faith that resides deep down inside of all of us that we do have answers to the most terrifying questions of life.  That sense that if you make the leap of faith, you will not fall… you will fly instead.

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Case in point, people are not literally blue.  But when you sleep, perchance to dream, it can seem the whole world is blue, and not just merely literally you.  Blue skin, blue heart, blue eyes…  It hurts to be alive.  But if you are hurting, you have to believe you really are alive.  The pain brings clarity, certainty… it is why you pinch yourself to wake yourself up from dreams.

I know this all sounds witless, rambling, and goofy, but that is the general point.  The truth, if the truth exists, is found in rambling, witless and goofy.

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Up and Down and All Around

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The day I am having today is not one of my best.  Ill health, bad traffic, doctor visits, headaches, unexpected expenses, all make a real Monster Mash our of the daily dance of life.  But I am happy with recent posts, even though my wife gave me a major eye-roll and huffing sound for posting about girls who fell in love with me.  Still, I can’t  figure out why my blog traffic is so up and down during times when I feel like my writing is really good.  Some of my best posts seem to get the fewest readers, and some of my most embarrassing messes are insanely popular.  Ah, life!  You are such a Scooby-Doo and the Haunted Roller-Coaster Mystery.  But I can write a short post and get away with it today because I have been writing thousand word posts and my 500-word average is in no danger.  So, I offer this silly Paffooney picture for you to look at and wonder about.  A picture is worth a thousand words, right?  And why is Frankenberry looking at Pinky Pie with an expression like that?

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Talking Dog

My family dog, Jade, stalks the kitchen and pounces on any dropped crumb or left-behind scraps from the kitchen table.  She even raids the pantry when she thinks she can get away with it.  And why does she do this?  I seriously believe that she thinks all she has to do is eat enough “people” food and she will turn into a people.

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So, last night, it happened.  I was eating leftovers for a bedtime snack.  Believe me, there aren’t many leftovers in a house with two teenage children living in it.  I found some cheddar cheese chunks and a few stale potato chips.  You know, the perfect snack for a diabetic whose blood sugar sometimes crashes in the middle of the night with a balanced snack of protein and carbohydrates.  I stretch the definitions constantly.  And Jade, the family dog, was watching intently with really large puppy eyes… every… single… bite… I… took.  And when I got down to potato chip crumbs, about all number two son and the Princess had left me, I couldn’t help but let some slip through my fingers.  Guess whose tongue washed the floor all around my feet.  And, apparently, after chewing a hole in a bag of bread last week, the potato-chip crumbs put her over the magic number of people food calories.

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“So, Dad, when are you going to teach me how to drive?”

I did a double-take.  “I can’t teach you how to drive.  You’re a dog.  They don’t give any licenses to dogs other than dog licenses.  Besides, you are only 4 years old!”

“You are going to teach Henry how to drive after his 16th birthday.  And I’m 28 in dog years.”

“I am not letting the family dog drive my car.  The insurance company wouldn’t like it.”

“But how am I going to go to the store and buy my own kibble?”

“You don’t have any money.  You are a dog.  How will you pay for the dog food?”

“Well, I could use Mom’s credit cards, right?  That’s free money, isn’t it?”

“I already had to sell my soul to the Devil to keep up with Mom’s credit cards.  Or was that Bank of America?  I forget which evil corporation now completely owns my soul.”

“Well, I could get job.”

“What can you do?  You don’t even have a pre-school education.  Who will hire you for anything?”

“I’ll work cheap.”

“Every bag of dog food costs twice what you can make an hour at minimum wage.  That means you have to work two hours to afford one bag.  And what are your work skills?”

“I’m good at sleeping.  I’m cute and cuddly.  And I’m very good at pooping in the park.”

“There are no mattress-tester jobs that I know of.  You don’t even want to know what kind of job that second thing would get you into.  And if you are a people, no more pooping in the park.”

“No more pooping in the park?  Those walks on the leash every day are what I live for.”

“And you will have to wear clothes from now on.  We can’t have you going around everywhere naked, can we?”

“Dogs are meant by God to be naked all the time.  Wearing people clothes is embarrassing.”

“Still…”

“Okay!  Okay!  I get it!  My life as a dog is pretty sweet the way it is.  But now that I am at least a part-time people… can you teach me how to open the refrigerator and work the can opener?”

I put my palm to my forehead.  There’s not going to be much left to eat in the house from now on.

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Ray Bradberry Pie

Yes, yes, I know it is supposed to be Ray Bradbury, not berry.  But now that the master has gone, I don’t want to think of him as bury which is too grave a term.  He was a master of metaphor and rhythm and image in writing.  His work is much more berry-flavored, and if you really intensively read a novel like Dandelion Wine, you can very easily get drunk on the richly fermented contents of his beautiful writing.

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angel by Adolphe-William Bouguereau (1825-1905)

angel by Adolphe-William Bouguereau (1825-1905)

Mental Pie

I’d like to offer you a piece of my mind,

Though not a lecture, rant, or complaint,

But rather a piece of mental pie.

Its taste will be very sweet, you will find,

As I’m constantly thinking in ink and paint,

That gives you wings and allows you to fly.

You see, I think the literary mind does not have to sink to mundane and dark and dreary thoughts and ideas to accomplish lofty goals.  Often it is the special dollop of sugary metaphorical conceit that makes a Ray Bradbury or Mark Twain or Kurt Vonnegut to soar through the astral plane of ideas.  I know that’s cartoony thinking, and somewhat loony besides, but I am often frustrated when it seems that the only “realism” modern readers and audiences accept is what is gritty and bloody and depressingly painful.  Oh, I get it.  Douglas nearly dies in the course of Dandelion Wine.  Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn and Billy Pilgrim all suffer as much as we laugh in order to make their points in the novels they inhabit.  But the misfortune makes the moment of taking flight that much sweeter.  And it is in the language.  The loving description of everyday things and everyday events that become extraordinary through extra-close examination.  Sometimes silliness and humor and logical reason are not enough, and we have to speak in poetry.  We put in metaphors as peaches and plums.  Sensory details are raspberries and strawberries.  Sing-song rhythms and elegant pacing makes the batter whole and delicious.  And I know this whole post makes no earthly sense.  But sometimes you write for earthly reasons… and sometimes you try to reach heaven.  That is what Ray Bradberry Pie is made of.

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The Quest for Pinkie Pie

The day before yesterday I wrote a post for 1000 Voices Speak for Compassion that basically tore my heart out.  It made me relive one of my worst defeats as a teacher who cares about teaching and students.  I have to admit that I spent an awful lot of time crying the past three days.  But I am not a sorrowful Sad-Sack with a sourpuss’ simpering sarcastic smile.  Not I.  I come back from downers by doing silly stuff… kinda like over-dosing on alliteration in that S-filled sentence.  So what silly stuff am I up to after a triple-down darkness-dealing downer like the one from that post? (When Compassion Fails)  I took up the Quest for Pinkie Pie.

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I borrowed the My Little Pony image above from Jessica Ann Hughes whose very eloquent post laments the series update as a sexualization of the thirty-year-old toy franchise in the newer series, My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic.

But I have to argue that it doesn’t sexualize anything beyond the surface.   After all, these ponies are really little girls that have charming little-girl personalities and act in stories that have little-to-nothing to do with sex.  Yes, I have seen the wedding episode where Twilight Sparkle’s big brother gets married, but that episode is about trusting your own instincts when something seems wrong.  If somebody like me is getting sexual vibes from that cartoon, then something is seriously wrong and that somebody should seek therapy to avoid becoming some kind of pedophile.  I mean, it is important to self-censor.  When I was getting a soda at QT this afternoon, I was happy to see two pretty girls in short pants for the first time in a long time.  6a00d8341c562c53ef01676098b1fd970bTexas weather has been rainy and dreary for the past few weeks and the sun has finally come out.  But… wait a minute!  Why am I looking at middle school girls’ legs?  I am a miserable, broken-down, spotty old man.  And I have been busily watching this My Little Pony show on YouTube where all these little girl ponies are walking around naked all the time!   But, am I not over-reacting?  Yes, the ponies have big eyes and shortened muzzles… but I haven’t been obsessing about ponies because of hormone imbalances or something.  I thought the whole Brony thing was ridiculous up until a very short time ago.  Pinkie-Pie-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-20424750-570-402I mean, grown men watching a cartoon about little-girl ponies and singing the songs and buying the toys and wearing ponies on T-shirts.  Is there therapy for that?  I am hoping so… because I think I’m going to need it.

My doll-collecting mental illness began, as I tried to explain and tell lies about yesterday, when I was a child who had been given dolls for birthdays and Christmas (I meant to say Action Figures… No!  Really!) and only really had sisters to play with at home (my little brother was eight years younger than me, and my friends from school lived in the country, miles away from town on farms.)

As a young man, I regained my dolls… I mean Action Figures, and tried to restore them (not play with them… I never said play with them).  When I got married, my wife and I actively began collecting them.  She was initially charmed by my love for my old pieces of plastic.  We began looking for what was out there.  Captain Action and G.I. Joes for me, Barbies for her.  When she lost interest (or found a cure for that particular mental aberration), I kept on.  The rules for collecting included; Twelve inch tall figures.  Never pay more than $20 for a toy.  Never spend more than $50 a month.  Find rare dolls for little money.  Rescue dolls who somebody once loved and played with, or that are on the verge of the ignominious end to be found in the department-store dumpster.

Rainbow Dash started me down the slippery slope to Brony-ism.  I just happened to find, on an after-Christmas clearance table at Walmart with all the other damaged toys that didn’t realistically survive the seasonal play-with-it-in-the-store-while- mommy-shops damage, a cheap and forlorn Rainbow Dash with extra hair.  She looked at me with those big, sad eyes and pleaded with me to buy her and save her from the dumpster (or the sadistic little girl that would buy and dismember her because she was just a cheap thing from Walmart).  I’m too stupid to resist.20150105_161300

Then I began examining my purchase because I didn’t really know what it was… the Brony-thing warning lights were going off somewhere in the back of my goofy-old-man head, but it took some research before I learned what Equestria Girls were and that there were six of them.  Six of them!  A set of six to collect!  But also the original ponies!  A set of twelve!

And the disease had me.

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So, here you see the tangible evidence that I am acutely infected.  Brony-itis?  Possibly.  Fatal?  Hopefully not.  If you’re counting, they still are not all here.  Apple Jack, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash as Equestria Girls.  Apple Jack, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie as ponies.  But no Fluttershy at all.  And… what’s this?  No Pinkie Pie?  The most popular pony with little girls, I could not find her in Equestria Girl form?  Well, I could… but not for under $20.  I went shopping at Toys R Us yesterday with the Princess in tow.  We bought toys, but no Pinkie Pie for less than twenty one.  And this collection represents $14 in January, $30 in February, and $25 already this month.  I’m guessing the rules might save me from this disease yet.  Does that mean no Pinkie Pie ever?  Well, I watch the stupid cartoons incessantly now on YouTube… I’ve learned that Friendship is Magic and as long as you can remain true to your friends, you can overcome almost all of life’s problems… together… with love.  And Pinkie Pie is totally random… and funny… and everyone’s friend.  There are good lessons being taught to little girls and old men who watch these things.  Pinkie Pie’s is probably the most important one of all…  So Pinkie is my favorite.  I haven’t found her yet in a way that stays within the rules, but I am not some creepy old man who breaks the rules.  I have the rest of my life to complete this quest.

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Goofy Squared

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There are a number of really, really goofy facts about me that I will reveal in today’s post…  No one is trying to blackmail me over these things, believe it or not.  I have no money.  And I have no reputation to protect.  I am nobody.  Just a silly, goofy, loony old nobody.  But I have a few chuckles now and then at my own expense.

Revelation #1; The clown nose in the picture was a souvenir from Cirque du Soleil.  We went to see them in a parking lot in Frisco, Texas.  They had an actual circus tent.  When I was five, I told my parents I wanted to be a clown when I grew up.  Nobody believes me when I say it, but I achieved that goal.  They say, “But you were a school teacher!”

And I say, “How is that different?”

Honestly, I have worn a clown nose and played harmonica in front of a classroom full of twelve-year-olds.  I can make teenagers laugh so hard the principal has to check to make sure they are not gleefully setting me on fire or duct-taping me to the wall.  (Duck-taping sounds funnier, but you have to be accurate when describing real events from modern schools.)

Revelation #2;  I am a closet nudist.lil hunter2

I used to be associated with the AANR, a nudist/ naturist organization in the latter part of the 1980’s,  I met the nudist publishers through stamp collecting and they tried to recruit me.  I bought books and videos from them.  I have actually been naked for an entire day… once.  I knew nudists in Austin where a former girlfriend stayed over several weekends with her sister who lived in the clothing-optional apartment complex on Manor Road.  I am not brave enough to walk around physically naked in front of people on a regular basis though.  So, I am a closet nudist.  Only a nudist in my closet.  I get a lot of mileage out of naked jokes in my fiction, though, because, well… naked is funny.

Goof  Revelation #3;  I keep scrapbooks filled with collages made of pictures from magazines, newspapers, photos I’ve taken, pictures I drew myself, poems, short snippets of things I find funny or ironic or autobiographically important, and secrets like I am sharing with you today.  (The picture of Goofy seen here is one I colored myself from one of the old coloring books left over from my kids’ coloring book days.  I hate to see unused coloring book pictures go to waste.)  I call these my magical tomes because I use them as source material for the spells I weave in my fiction.  I also use many of the images for drawing and painting as models.  I also discovered I can borrow whole images and make new art using my cheap-o substitute photo-shop program.

Revelation #4;  It is totally by accident that I have come to look like the most important character in Snow Babies, the novel that PDMI is slowly publishing for me.  Catbird Sandman is an old hobo who wears a coat that has so many patches on it that it Catbird Mehas become a patchwork crazy quilt.  He wanders around the country, appreciating the world and its people, and using his considerable store of mysterious abilities to charm, help, and change people.  He carries around a book, a well-worn copy of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass and quotes from it, treating it like a sort of Bible-like source of spiritual wisdom.  The character looks like Walt Whitman.  And now, though not intentionally, so do I.  I grew the beard and long hair because of psoriasis.  It attacks me under the edge of my jaw line and all around the back of my head.  It is easily scratched and bloodied, and then infected when someone cuts my hair or I try to shave.  So I have given up that battle and gone all hippy-dippy.  It sorta fits with the whole jobless, shiftless, former nudist sort of persona that I have been cultivating as an author.

So what is the equation Goofy Squared all about?  Well, if you take the square root of the four Goofy revelations in this post, you come up with Goofy times two.  So Goofy obviously equals one.  And I think I have clearly proven that I am the goofy one.

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