Tag Archives: students

When Teachers Write About Students

Dion City JH

As a writer of fiction, my characters have to come from somewhere.   A writer always writes best when he writes what he knows.  So, I am in a unique position for writing the stories that my body and soul ache to push out into the wide, wide world.  Most of my characters have to be little people… students, kids, and other denizens of the monkey house where I spent the majority of my real life.  (It helps to be told that the monkey house I refer to is a composite of all the middle schools I ever taught in.)  Of course, the students I taught were, over time, dancing in front of me metaphorically naked most of their days in my classes.  They told me everything about themselves in both conversations and their writing.  I know even their most embarrassing secrets.  Their identities have to be protected (not because they were innocent, Joe Friday, they were certainly never that, but because they have a sacred right to privacy).  So I rename them in my writing with fake names.  I take some of the incidents and eccentricities of their lives and splice them together with those of other kids.  And I transport them to imaginary worlds.  Some of my former students, reading my novels and other writing, actually don’t recognize themselves.  The picture above from the planet Dionysus in the 36th Century contains three of my former students.  Do you suppose they will recognize themselves if the story ever gets told?  The sauroid boy, a native Dion from the jungle world in the story, is modeled after Sparky, a boy I taught in my fourth year of teaching.  His real name was not Clay Snarkley, but that’s how I refer to him in my writing (when I talk about the real boy, not the alien dinosaur-child).  Sparky was one of those kids who lives his entire life on center stage.  He was the class clown who was always making a wisecrack any time the lesson involved a question that I asked students to answer.  And his wisecracks were actually funny.  He didn’t read well, but he was highly intelligent and creative.  He’s the one who fed re-fried beans to his three best friends before school and organized the Great Fart-Gas Attack in the middle of Sustained Silent Reading Time.  (That terroristic attack failed, of course, because with my lifetime of clogged sinuses, I had no sense of smell to offend.  I was perfectly comfortable.  It was the girls in class that were so enraged that Sparky narrowly escaped having a serious behind-ectomy and being the subject of ritual sacrificial revenge after school…with knives and fingernails.)  Sparky was one of my favorite students… of course, you probably know by now they were all my favorites, and he not only makes a good sauroid-alien, but he is a character in my on-going series of home-town novels, where he has to be transformed into an Iowa boy rather than a Texan.  It all means then, that I am writing humorous fiction for middle-school kids that is full of real people, people who are mostly still walking around out there living their real lives.  And if I draw them and write about them and use the details of their lives in my stories, they don’t have to be embarrassed by any of it.  As an artist, I transform the world as I perceive it through my artifice.  Their monkey-house secrets are safe. 20150807_135157

 

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Bad Teachers

witch of creek valley

There are definitely bad teachers in the world.  If you have spent any time reading some of my old teacher posts (posts written by me, an old teacher) you might have the idea that I think I was a great teacher.  You couldn’t be more wrong.  I was a teacher open to learning from hard experience how to do the job better.  I improved.  In fact, I improved quite a bit, especially at the end of my career, the last decade.  But there were times that I understood what a bad teacher is because I was one.

badbatman_nOf course, the place to start with understanding bad teachers is the whole notion of classroom discipline.  For many principals, parents, and even teachers who should know better, a well-disciplined classroom is a quiet place with all the students seated (correct and healthy posture only) with heads bent over books and worksheets and stuff to do that supposedly qualifies as “learning”.  I know how to do this, because (especially when I started as a teacher in a school that students nearly burned down the year before I got there) I had to spend some time ruling through fear.  I made them keep their heads down.  I made them be quiet.  And I forced them to stay seated with more worksheets than they could do per period and little in the way of stimulus to keep them from thinking up ways to misbehave.  And, of course, I had students who were creative and brilliant enough to make my life as a teacher a living Hell despite how well I wore the Marine Corps drill-sergeant costume.  That isn’t teaching.  That is merely controlling their external behavior.  It is a very good way to teach kids to hate learning and hate going to school (unless, of course, you can look forward to doing apple rolls or lighting off fire-crackers in Mr. B’s room so you get to see the principal yell at him).

There are teachers who go for entire careers spending their whole day battling behaviors and filling class periods with lessons whose only goal is to keep kids quiet and busy.  Most of them are miserable all the time.  They end up hating being a teacher and hating kids.  Some become extremely negative and make you dread being in the same teachers’ lounge with them.  They will often say terrible things about kids you actually love and often, the terrible things they claim that student did in the classroom are actually true.  I used to wonder why the kids acted so differently in their classes than they did in mine.  But I had to learn the lesson that negativity only makes more negativity.  Unlike in Math Class, a negative times a negative does not make a positive when it comes to teaching.

Once in a while negative pressure from the teacher teaches a kid something.  I remember one time when one of my favorite gifted students, a girl who was head seventh grade cheerleader, student council vice president, and extremely pretty, failed to read the assignments in To Kill a Mockingbird.  I made the poor girl cry by calling out her behavior in front of her class full of over-achievers and suggesting that she had too many irons in the fire and too little commitment to reading a very great piece of literature.  I embarrassed her in front of her friends.  And because she was a self-starter, she vowed to herself to read the entire book before the rest of the class was scheduled to finish it.  She later thanked me for making her read the book.  She said it was a wonderful reading experience that changed her life, and she never would’ve finished it if I hadn’t forced her to take it on.  The appreciation felt very good for a while.  But I realized that it really had nothing to do with my skills as a teacher.  I merely used  extortion and humiliation as a weapon to force someone to do what they would probably have eventually done anyway on their own.  You can’t prevent kids like her from learning.

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And another problem for bad teachers is the whole idea of “playing favorites”.  I have heard other teachers say things like, “Thank God for Sasha and Abby in my third hour class.  I couldn’t stand it if they weren’t there to answer the questions and make lessons work.”  Too often I have heard students tell me to my face, “You are a hypocrite for getting mad at me.  Larry the Loudmouth gets away with doing the exact thing all the time.  You even laugh at his jokes sometimes even though they are about you!”  And I realize I have always had a problem with having “favorite students”.  I love teaching because I love kids.  The only solution I have ever found for liking some of the kids too much is to try to make them all feel like they are my favorite student.  Even the bad ones who I make voodoo dolls of at home to stick needles in when I am in a vengeful mood…  Yes, even some of those have been my favorite kids.

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So I have been a bad teacher at times.  I have learned to recognize what is bad about certain very common teacher behaviors.  I have observed enough other teachers in action to realize that the bad ones outnumber the good ones by two to one… more in some schools that are going steadily down hill.   And being a good teacher doesn’t get that teacher any monetary value as compensation for their efforts.  Even the best ones will have to endure being under-valued, under-paid, dis-respected, and generally treated like a second-class citizen.  People who teach can be forgiven for being bad teachers at times.  The behavior is understandable.  But there is gold-and-platinum value in those rare few who are honestly good teachers.   We need to recognize it more and reward it more.  Not all teachers are bad teachers.  And some deserve to be called great.

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The Time is Coming

The time is coming…  Every career, every life, has an end.   Today, I barely made it through my three, hour-and-a-half classes.  My lesson had to be cut short and I had to show movies.  I can’t breathe.  My diabetes lowered my blood sugar to the point that I was unconscious for brief periods of time while students watched Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck.  I know… I know…  I should’ve called somebody.  If I die in my classroom in front of some of my students it is going to traumatize them, some of them severely.  Why did I risk it?

One thing is the money.  Every day I am absent because of health, it costs me a day’s salary, $330. I need to fulfill my contract for the school year because I need the money I am owed for teaching.  I will retire when this year is over… if I survive.  I don’t have a choice.  And I have earned a full retirement from the Texas Education System.  I will not be penniless.  That is not the reason I have to keep working.  Maybe I should quit tomorrow.

Still, there is work to be done.  Critical work.  I have the ability to go into a classroom and provide them with what they need most… belief in themselves.  They come to me with their own individual stories, their own problems, their own labels.

“I’m a bad kid,” says one.  “I get in trouble in every class.  I’m every teacher’s nightmare.”

“I’m stupid,” says another.  “I fail most of my classes.  I can’t learn.”

“I’m ugly and will always be alone,” says the third one.  “No one likes me.  If I were somebody else, looking at the me I am now, I wouldn’t like me either.”

Those three kids are always there, every class… every day…  If I don’t do something, they could give up.  They could drop out.  They could die.  I know for a fact that this is so, because sometimes that is exactly what happens.  And if I am teaching that day… at least there is a chance.  I have said the right words… sometimes.  I have done the right things… sometimes.  We do not live in a world without hope.  I am not without some power.  There are other teachers who do what I do, but they are not plentiful.  I am still needed.

But the time is coming…  I can’t go on much longer.  I’m sorry I am not funny today.  I don’t feel much like laughing.  But I still have the power to write.  I still have the right words.  I have to keep telling the story until there is no more.

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Teacher! Ooh-Ooh! Teacher!

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I have the privilege of being a public school teacher.  Or maybe I should use the word “cursed”.   It is no easy thing to be a teacher in the modern world.  Regressive State governments like Texas mandate that teachers do more with less.  We have to have bigger classes.  We have to show higher gains on State tests.  We have to do more for special populations based on race, disability, language-learner status, and socio-economic status.  Of course, we give money to private schools to be “fair” to all, so a majority of the well-funded and advantaged students are removed from the public school system, even though studies show that their presence in classes benefits everyone.  When the majority of students are low-income in a single classroom, even the gifted minority perform less well.  When higher-income students are at least fifty per-cent of the class, then even the low-income and learning disabled make higher gains than the minority gifted in the first example class.  So, there’s my triple-downer bummer for this post.  You might think that I would agree with Republicans in this State that the lower classes are not worth investing in.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

The fact is, my fondest memories from thirty-one years as a public school teacher come from the downtrodden masses, the poor, the oddballs, the disadvantaged, and even the truly weird.

Okay, so here’s the funny and heart-warming part.  I have a Hispanic English Language Learner right now who looks at the beard I have grown and calls me, “my friend Jesus”.  I have to constantly remind him that, “If I were the son of God, my son, then I would be using lightning bolts for discipline a little more often.”  He grins at me and answers, “Yes, my Jesus.”  He’s a sneaky sort, more dedicated to games and messages on his i-phone than learning.  He is more into working with the girls in small groups so that he can come out appearing much smarter without putting out very much actual work.

I remember one particularly challenged boy who didn’t talk in class at all.  He could make sounds, however.  Constantly during classes with this student in them, there would be numerous “meows” and birdcalls.  Grunts and groans and whistles would fill the air.  Most of the noises came from him.  The ones that didn’t, came from those who imitated him.  It reached a point that I was having to teach a classroom full of Harpo Marxes .  When asked about it, he claimed he had a sore throat all the time and just couldn’t talk.  Many of his teachers thought he was merely sabotaging class so he wouldn’t have to do any work.  But just like when you put a harp in front of Harpo, this boy had hidden talents, and just was not being engaged on his own level.  He was really quite bright if you could learn to communicate with him in Harpo Marxian.

I had another student who read all the existing Harry Potter books forward and backwards, and inside out.  He even looked like the actor who played Harry in the movies, glasses and all.  He was treated like a radioactive being by his classmates, and although he was charming and funny and had a natural talent for manga-style drawings of people, nobody seemed to treat him like a friend. (The paffooney picture I drew for this post was inspired by him.)    He was a jovial loner.  I was able to tap into his natural abilities for the Odyssey of the Mind creativity contests we participated in during the early 2000’s.  I helped him find nerd friends who also knew all the words to the Spongebob Squarepants theme. 

I have a Chinese girl in class who shared the Spongebob boy’s fascination with manga-style art.  She’s a different bird all together.  She gets my jokes and thinks I am funny.  But she never laughs.  She never even cracks a smile.  She is so careful and complete in every assignment that it is very nearly painful to watch.  Grades are serious matters to her.  If her grade drops from 100 to 98, she wants to audit the teacher’s grade book to find out why.  She does everything in class in beautifully crafted Chinese writing, and then translates it all word-for-word into English.

I owe my teaching career to kids like these.  When I started my career in 1981 for $11,000 per year, I was employed by a school that had total disciplinary meltdown the year before.  I had to deal with hostility, impossible behavior-modification tasks, fire crackers in the classroom, student fights, bullying, and a language/cultural gap wider than the Grand Canyon.  That first year, I was planning to resign at the end of the year and try to figure out what else I could do with my life when a small Hispanic boy with a Scottish family name came up beside me on the playground one March day and said, “Mr. Beyer, I hope you know you are my favorite teacher.  You are the reason I liked school this year.”

I didn’t let him see that there were tears in my eyes.  I told him something about him being my favorite student.  And I gave up thoughts about giving up.  I lived the next thirty years of my career for him.

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Welcome to the Monkey House (Unfortunately, not by Kurt Vonnegut)

In my effort to create a proper field guide to all the critters and flitters and animals you find in the modern schoolroom, I can’t neglect to talk about the Monkey House.  I was, after all, a middle school teacher for 24 of my 30 years in teaching.  One simply cannot take that many blows to the back of the head from spit-wads and other assorted classroom projectiles without going a little bit ape-happy.  (I once knew an eighth grade science teacher who liked to use the ape-happy expression to describe student behavior.  But he didn’t actually say “happy”.  He substituted the magic s-word.  It is magic because no matter how many times the teacher hears, or over-hears, or gets assaulted by that word in the classroom, the teacher can never say it himself… It will make him disappear… permanently.  I know it’s true.  It happened to my friend the science teacher.)  Sorry, I digress sometimes.  Too many spit-wads to the back of the head.

In the Monkey House, especially the seventh grade version of it, there are certain essential behavioral characteristics that you have to be aware of.  First of all, and with malice aforethought, the monkeys like to throw poop.  Now, I don’t mean that literally… (Although in one case I remember about fourteen years ago…  No, wait, I don’t really want to go back there again.)  It is only in the figurative sense.  The monkeys have big monkey eyes.  They see everything.  And what they see, they will TELL you about… in all capital letters.  If your fly is open, especially if you’re the teacher, they will tell you about it, loudly, “YOUR FLY IS OPEN!” at precisely the same moment that the gung-ho lady principal and the curriculum director with the scary glare walk in together to view this innovative teaching style they’ve heard so much about in faculty lounge.  In a Texas Monkey House like the ones I’ve taught in, kids will tell each other to be quiet in the rudest possible way in the loudest possible voice.  They say it Spanish, which of course, both the principal and the curriculum director spoke as their first language.  They say it in words that literally mean “shut your dog-mouth”.  And they add the magic p-word in Spanish for good measure.  (The students will all tell you that the magic p-word really just means “stupid person”, but to translate it more accurately, it means “one who routinely thinks only with that body part that only boys have access to”, or possibly, “your brains are full of poop!”)  And they don’t only throw their poop out of their mouths.  They can also fling it with fingers, especially that one magic finger, but also in rude gestures, using both hands, the elbow, and even throwing around gang signs that can get you killed in the wrong parts of San Antonio or Dallas.

The second behavioral characteristic in the Monkey House is the ability to be the dumbest dumb monkey in the classroom.  Nobody wants to be smart.  That is the kiss of death.  Bullies beat you relentlessly throughout the school day and for the rest of your natural life (as short as that will probably be) if they learn that you are a smart monkey.  Even the girl monkeys adhere to this rule.  To be smart makes you a “teacher’s pet” and a potential stool pigeon.  To be smart makes you radioactive, and likely to get anyone around you killed as well.  A smart girl will never have the necessary boy friend because what boy wants to hang around with a girl that knows too much and can probably out-think him?    A smart boy had better keep his head down, and in the classroom, his hand down.  The universal truth is this… the big monkeys EAT the smart monkeys.

The third, but most important characteristic in the Monkey House is that somebody has to love the monkeys.  Monkeys don’t thrive in a pack, or left to their own devices.  They don’t just live in the Monkey House at school.  Their home life is just as crazy.  The monkeys at home throw just as much poop, and they also EAT the smart monkeys (all in capital letters… truly).  Somebody has to be willing to talk to the monkeys, to learn their language… to deal with them one on one.  They need somebody to understand them and sympathize with their horrible monkey lives.  Somebody has to show them how not to be a monkey… even if they’re one of the big ones who eat other monkeys.  Monkeys have value.  They make you laugh and they make you cry.  (Sorry.  I didn’t mean to make you cry too.  You weren’t ever a monkey, were you?)  So you teach in the Monkey House and the principal doesn’t fire you for having no proper classroom discipline and for having monkeys who misbehave, because if the principal is any good at her job, she realizes that you are the kind of teacher who loves the monkeys and the monkeys need you.

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Goobers and Gomers

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I posted previously about how some classrooms in public schools have the same qualities as the city zoo.  As I rattled off some of the more dangerous beasts, I happened to mention gomers in passing.  I failed to actually talk about them at that time.  This was not a mere oversight or foolish mistake.  This was a shameless hook meant to bait you like a sunfish in spring and bring you with a gaping mouth to this prissy post.

Gomers and goobers are not rare animals, but scarce enough to go unnoticed by those who don’t watch the classroom like a hawk.  (Hawks and sunfish?  Is that a subliminal connection of some sort?  I think not.)  As you have probably guessed if you are amazingly old and out of date like me, or had no clue at all about it because you never pay attention to anything from the world before you were born when everything was in black and white, gomers and goobers are named after the Pyles from Mayberry.  Gomer Pyle and his cousin Goober, gas station mechanics and avid drinkers of grape Nehi, are the loveable bumpkins who can only say the dumbest things at just the right time to completely skewer the psyches of all the Sergeant Carters and Andy Taylors of the world.  These would be the halfwit wits that always snipe verbally from the back corners of the room whenever they think someone is being dim and dumb, especially if they suspect the person is being dimmer and dumber than they are, and especially special if that person just happens to be the teacher.

These patriotic little rubes are the ones that say the pledge to the flag, and the pledge to Emperor Perry’s Great State of Texas, with such great feeling and pride, yet manage to call each other queers and steers, and sock each other on the arms during the moment of silence.  They are FFA geeks who like farming because they get to see animals breeding (farmer porn).  They are Republicans because their fathers are, and firmly believe that all our lives will be better if we reduce the government and give more money and tax breaks to rich people.  Of course, they only mean the national government, because there is something sacred about Emperor Perry’s Republic of Texas, and we need more of that kind of red state hogpoop.  Who doesn’t want to see red hogs?  Especially while they are breeding!

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I don’t mean it to sound like I hate gomers and goobers.  They are actually kinda sweet and naive most of the time.  They are all, “Aw, shucks, Miss Luanne, you sure is purdy!” and “I do not agree with any dang liberal thing you say, think, or even think about thinking, Mr. B, but I will defend to the death your right to utter that liberal commie bull puckie!”  And they always add, “But don’t forget that my second amendment rights are the most important rights in the whole constitution because it means I can sleep with a BIG DAMN GUN under my pillow.”  Sure.  Sweet, but they can kill you without a second amendment thought.

So, now I’ve gone and done it.  I’ve alienated almost everybody who loves Emperor Perry’s Great State of Texas because we don’t tax the rich or, God forbid, businesses, and life will be so much better if we give all our money to rich guys and own a BIG DAMN GUN (in all capitals)!

Never the less, gomers and goobers are real animals.  We need to learn their habits and sounds from the handy field guide, and get ready to have an even better ol’ Bubba-time when we get to the monkey house.

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A Beastiary for the Modern Classroom

There is a certain order to everything in the universe.  Beginning teachers or substitutes that have never done the job before may think otherwise, walking into a classroom populated by modern teenage beasties.  It looks like utter chaos to the casual observer, and it is.  But there is an underlying order (kinda like some of my sillier corkscrew-shaped paragraphs with all the purple-paisley prImageose and over-long parenthetic expressions).  You have to recognize the critters for what they are and then, you may have a chance to deal with them.

First on the list are the dominant predators, the bullies, the snarks, and the outright evil ones.  The most important battles you have to fight as a teacher are the ones for dominance in the classroom.  The teacher is rarely the dominator, and usually the dominatee, so you must proceed with great caution.  At the top of the pecking order are the Pepsi People.  I call them Pepsi People in a Coca Cola World because they are mainstream, but slightly different than the usual.  Actually, since most of these are actually female, we shall refer to them as Pepsi Girls.  They are the ones that usually dominate the modern high school classroom.  Their parents have enough money at least to buy them home computers and digital cameras so they can post pictures of their bare behinds on Myspace and Facebook.  They enjoy showing off boobies too, if they have them already, which they usually do.  There are a lot of prerequisites to being a Pepsi Girl.  It also helps if they are a cheerleader.  In Texas, cheerleaders sometimes run not only the classroom, but the whole school.  They put the pep in Pepsi.  In fact, many of them suffer from an excess of what I like to call Cheerleader Pep-itis, a dread disease that makes you strut, bat your eyes at boys, and give stupid answers to the teacher on purpose, because it is so not cool to be, like, you know… smart.  A teacher who gives one of these detention or, heaven forbid! a failing grade, will soon be facing parents who will make you recount every last detail of she-said-you-said-and-her-last-words.  The parents may be secretly on your side, but they are afraid of her too, and they have to say and do the right thing, or there will be trouble at home.  Pepsi Girls are large and in charge, even when they are little-bitty young things with a big mouth and cute behind.  You mostly deal with Pepsi Girls by letting them have their way… or by standing up to them and being told by the principal privately that you have to let them have their way.

Snarks can be girls, but this sort of foul American predator is usually a boy, usually on drugs for attention deficit disorder, and more often than that, the kid all the other kids in class would point to as the one in charge of the class.  Granted, he usually is the one that holds center stage the longest with his repetoire of snappy comebacks for teachers like, “Yeah, whut…?”  But they do actually yield to Pepsi Girls on all occasions when the two species come into conflict.  They are the thin, wired boy most likely to get up and dance for the class for no particular reason, or the fat one that sits in the far back of the room even if you assign him a seat in the front so he can continually interrupt lessons on helping verbs with helpful comments about the size of somebody’s mother’s body parts.  They are also the child most likely to disrobe completely in the middle of class, or hit the teacher in the back of the head with a large, juicy spitball and then claim that it was an accident, and besides, Jorge did it anyway, not the one that stands accused because you saw him chawing the wad of paper to make the spitball.  On many occasions I greet this kind of child at the doorway at the start of class with a detention slip and a magical pass to the office to talk with their good friend, the assistant principal in charge of discipline.  They will say, “WAITTAMINNUT!  I haven’t done anything wrong!”  To which I must answer, “Yes, that’s true, but I decided to give you detention anyway for the evil plan I can see you have already formulated in your head.”  To which they will reply, “oh… Okay.”  You can only win by getting them out of your classroom.

My favorites, though, are the Invisible Kids.  These are the kids that can sit in your classroom all year, and when they leave, you will no longer be able to remember what they looked like, sounded like, or even smelled like.  They keep it all in.  The only time you really have any trouble at all with them is when you ask them a question and actually expect them to say something out loud as an answer.  The only thing you will ever get from them is a note that says, “I can’t talk today.  I have acute larnigitis and can’t talk at all.  Ask me the question after school on Thursday, and I’ll tell you then.”   They never cause noise or disruption in the classroom.  They are more often the victims of the Snarks or the Pepsi Girls, and you really can’t blame them for trying to keep their head down and the big red target off their back.  I like them because, if I put in the work to draw them out, they are usually real people with actual lives.  They can be interesting and funny.  You never realize it in class, but these are also the kids that understand your jokes, and laugh at them with their friends at the mall after school is out.

I could go on and on with specific examples of all of these varied middle school anniemules, but it is a premise that is probably already starting to bore you.  I have that effect on people.  After all, I am an English teacher.  But let me leave off by saying, I’m really going to miss this job when I retire soon to drool in the corner at the local mental health facility (or become a Walmart greeter if I can manage to mindless smile).  It’s not the same when you are not the everyday teacher and get to know all the Pepsi People, Snarks, Bullies, Invisibles, Tecky Trekkies, Gomers, and Goths by their first names, and sometimes their middle names too.  I do hate them all, especially on Thursdays… but over time you learn to love them all too.

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