We here in Texas are still the way God made us.
Stop cringing so much when you hear me say it. Texas is where God goes to spend the Winter. Everything is practically perfect in Texas. The weather never varies more than 60 degrees in any single hour. Our tornadoes and hurricanes are way bigger and way more destructive than you get in other States. You think your school systems are producing learners who are spectacularly dumb? They don’t even begin to compare with learning levels here in the Lone Star State. Why, we are the Lone Star State mainly because we don’t want too many stars for our college graduates to count. You think health care in your State is poor quality and high priced? We have million dollar mortuaries that are profitably close, no more than a block or two, from every hospital. We break records in the number of bankruptcy filings over hospital bills while our health insurance providers are making record-breaking profits! You can’t beat that with a stick! No, I mean it. Look how big my stick is, and I couldn’t successfully beat it.
And we choose only the best politicians to represent us. Senator Ted Cruz is not only a former front-runner in the 2016 Presidential race for the GOP nomination, he’s the Zodiac Killer in addition to that. Just ask the internet. If the internet says it, it must be true. And Representative Louie Gohmert of the Texas First District is so bald you can be blinded by the Texas sunshine reflecting off the top of his stupid head. And his name reminds you of TV’s Gomer Pyle, someone Louie is almost as smart as. And he’s a Texas Tea Party Congressman who does Tea Parties so well he makes the Mad Hatter jealous. And Senator John Cornyn tells jokes that make country people laugh. After all, he has “corny” in his danged name!
And Texas motorists are among the best in the country. No, check that, they are the best! No other State has the kind of yearly highway kill score that Texas has. Believe me, pedestrians routinely get bounced off the hood and into ditches, slow-going vehicles and semi trucks are routinely forced off overpasses to beautiful fiery displays of chaos and carnage below. Texas killer grandmas in their shiny Lincoln Continentals with the longhorn horns on the grill will kill you deader than the local rocks. Nobody drives faster and more aggressively than a Texas killer grandma.
We have way more millionaires and billionaires than other stupid States. And we outscore them all in the numbers of poor people and immigrants holding down three jobs at once and still needing food stamps to live.
Yes, everything’s bigger in Texas. We’ve got all y’all beat all to heck!
Catch a Falling Star 
Politics in an Alien World
I am working on the end of my sci-fi comedy novel, Stardusters and Space Lizards. It is about an alien world that is dying from too much warfare and ignoring of pollution-created climate change. So today, after personally declaring war on the Trumpinator yesterday, I want to talk about politics. Not Earth politics. Alien politics. Any resemblance to real-world politics will be coincidental, or the result of truth being far stranger than fiction.
Let’s be thoughtful for a moment and analyze the way politics works on an alien planet. The political world always seems to devolve into two sides. Remember, we are talking made-up alien worlds here. So let’s give the two sides completely made up names. Let’s call them Dumbocrats and Ratpublicans. They are nothing like we have here on Earth. These are aliens, remember, nothing like us.
On one side you have the party that is totally self-centered and cares more about business and profits and what the individual can gain from those than it does about anything else, even insignificant things like other alien people’s lives. These are the conservative, me-party folks who try to maximize benefits for themselves and the relatively small circle of alien people they care about and think of as their own. We’ll call them Ratpublicans, again, totally randomly, for no particular reason.
Then, on the other side, you have the selfless ones, the ones who are more interested in making everybody happy, an exercise in futility that invariably leaves no one happy in the long run. I mean, if you give everything away to help others, eventually you are left with nothing. It is the reason liberal alien people often starve to death. It is also the reason that these selfless beings get so used to being poor and having nothing of their own. We’ll call them Dumbocrats, only because it is the name we have left over.
What always works best is when neither side gets everything they want. It is far better that the two sides grab the Enchilada of Happiness from opposite sides and pull with relatively equal force. That way it stays about in the middle and no one gets the whole enchilada. If the Ratpublicans get the whole thing, then the most powerful, ruthless, and evil among them will selfishly eat what they want and horde the rest, letting everyone else, even less-powerful Ratpublicans starve. If the Dumbocrats get the whole thing, they will give small bits to everyone, even the space rats and space pigeons, and visiting Space Goons from other planets, and no one will have as much as they want. Keeping the whole enchilada in the middle of the great political tug-of-war is the whole trick to making things stay balanced and under control.
If something throws the whole system out of balance, say an orange-headed alien in a gold-colored fright wig suddenly uses the magic of corrupt business practices to seize control of the Enchilada of Happiness, then the whole system starts to break down.
Now, you may have noticed already that instead of outer space aliens, I have used old movie clowns to illustrate this essay. I think it is entirely possible that the best people to listen to when it comes to the matter of politics and what to do about them are the clowns, the comedians, the mockers, and the fools. They have looked at the way things are with a keen eye to find what they can make fun of and make us laugh about. But because they are looking with a keen eye, often they are seeing the truth for what it is. Did you ever hear what Charlie Chaplin had to say?
Of course, we all know this whole discussion is about aliens on other planets. It doesn’t apply here. How could it? We are nothing like them. We’re smarter and better and have all the answers… if only we would take a moment to realize that we do.
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