Category Archives: irony

Snow Day 2015

Snow panic has hit the Dallas area.  Schools are all canceled.  Idiots are out ramming their cars together on the freeways.  TV reports plead for Texans to stay off the roads if travel is not actually necessary.  We are snowed in by a light dusting of snow and a serious patina of ice.

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We Iowegians transplanted to Texas laugh at storms like this.  It should not stop school.  I drove through worse than this last year when I still worked for the only school district who refused to cancel school on an icy, snowy day over a year ago.  But, a break to daily plans is a welcome thing, except possibly for the fact that you are stuck in the house with family all day with nothing to do.  Hopefully we can stand the togetherness.

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Filed under humor, irony, photo paffoonies

Fog in the City (a melancholy poem)

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It doesn’t come in on cat feet.

That’s probably Chicago you’re thinking of.

It comes in on the sound of screeching tires…

and ambulance sirens…

because of all the idiot drivers…

in their silver-gray WASP rockets…

that don’t know how to slow down…

or turn on their low beams…

for safety in the big, cold city of Dallas…

where the air is yellow…

except in the fog…

and rush, rush, rush…

business never waits…

for a foggy day.

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Final Star Trek Confessions

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I am sorry, but today’s post will probably bore you unless you are a doll-collecting, obsessive-compulsive bag of mixed nuts like I am.  These are the kinds of details that only interest the true collect-a-holic.  You see in the picture my mint in-the-box Star Trek Barbie and Ken, 1996 30th Anniversary Edition.  It was a difficult track-down.  Now, you Google it and you can get one for 25 dollars on e-Bay without breaking a sweat.  When I got hold of this in 1998, however, it was a bit tougher to find.  It started with a trip to Goodwill.  My wife loves the bargain clothing and especially the shoes.  (She’s from the Philippines and has a touch of Imelda Marcos Footwear Disease.)  While there, with my young son in tow, in the toy section… I discovered two loose Barbie and Ken dolls that actually weren’t naked.  Barbie’s head was severely damaged, and she had lost a leg.  Ken was in practically un-loved, un-played-with condition.  Both had uniforms.  The Star Trek uniforms you see here on the two figures in front.  (Ken was missing the shoes, phaser, and communicator, but the original accessories were pretty small and pitiful anyway.  Barbie had no fishnet stockings and no shoes, along with no working head.)  Of course I had to buy these wonderful items.  They cost me 25 cents apiece.  Gonga!  I hadn’t known that such a 12″ action figure existed!  (Okay, really a doll, but, you know…)  I immediately began a search of toy stores and junk shops in South Texas.  At the time we had relatives in Dallas.  So I went prowling there too.  You wouldn’t believe the looks I used to get from parents wondering what a forty-something old man by himself wanted in the Barbie section of KayBee Toys.  Now they see my gray hair and figure, ah yes, shopping for his granddaughter (of which I have none, but I digress.)  Finally I found the rare item in a San Antonio flea market stall.  And it only set me back fifteen dollars.  Wotta find!  It made my goofy old collector’s heart glad for a couple of months afterwards… heck, that’s not true either!  Sixteen years later it still makes me giddy.

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Filed under Barbie and Ken, doll collecting, goofiness, irony, toystore quests

My Imagination has Wings

DSCN4453  I am certainly not bragging.  I have a too-vivid imagination, and sometimes lose track of what is real and what is fantasy.  In my current novel-in-progress, I just wrote about kids believing they have used fairy magic to turn a favorite teacher into a swan.  (I told you I would work that German Schwan thing into my book.)  So here is a brief Canto to show you how that went.

Canto Twenty-Six – In Miss Schwanneke’s Music Class

Miss Swan was busy in the gym, so it was no surprise to Blueberry and the other Norwall kids in her first period class that she was running late.  Blueberry decided to use the time to work on the goal of making students believe in fairies.  She was armed with a folder filled with colored pencil drawings of fairies.  She had carefully crafted them from the descriptions Garriss had given her during those long nights when she was too excited to sleep anyway.  Working on the fairy project helped take her mind off the terrible conflict brewing with Tim Kellogg.  He had been so mean since his best friend, Tommy Bircher, had moved to Chicago.  She was sure the only reason he was being that way was because she was so deeply in love with Mike Murphy, and Mike was Tim’s replacement best friend.

“Those are neat pictures, Blue,” said Bobby Niland, a Norwall farm kid.

“Thanks.  Share them around.  It will help people believe in fairies.” 

“Aw, you Pirates have such weird ideas.  Nobody is gonna believe in dumb old fairies!”

“Bobby, you are a Pirate, and you’ve seen Garriss, the fire wisp.  How can you not believe in fairies?”

“You guys get me all worked up, talking to the empty air, and I start to see things that aren’t really there.  Tim just made up the little fire guy.  You know he is always making up all kinds of elaborate lies, and making us believe them.”

“Well, yeah, but…”

“Hey!  I like this one with the pretty naked lady with the white wings!”  Bobby showed the drawing to its creator.

“Garriss says that one is a storybook named Odette.  She’s an immortal fairy princess because of the tale of the Swan Princess.”

“Huh?”

“The story of a princess cursed to turn into a swan by day, and can only be a woman at night.”

“Oh, that’s a neat story.  Too bad it isn’t true.  I’d like to see a naked lady turn into a swan.”

“Well…  Garriss did teach me Odette’s spell.  He claims it can turn somebody into a swan.”

“Oh, neat!  Who can we change?”

“But, Bobby, you don’t believe in the fairy stuff.  You just said so.”

“Yeah, well…  How about Miss Swan?  Her name makes her perfect for the spell!”

It was obvious that Bobby was hot to see Miss Swan naked.  He was secretly in love with her, but he drooled over her so openly that everyone from Norwall who really knew him, knew that secret too.

“You know her name is actually Schwanneke, right?  Swan is just a nickname.”

“Ah, come on.  You said you want me to believe.”

“Well, I don’t want to hurt Miss Swan or anything.  She’s a nice teacher.”

There was general restless talking in the classroom.  No one was trying to sing any of the pieces they had been learning in class.  And no one was paying attention to Bobby and Blue.  Blue pulled out the white feather.

“What’s that?” asked Bobby.  “Is that part of the spell?”

“It’s the focus item.  You have to give it to her and say,  Möchten Sie einen Schwan zu werden?”

“What’s that?  Pig Latin?”

“German, I think,” Blue answered.  “The fairies seem to use German more than other languages.”

“Cool.”

Bobby made Blueberry teach him the words again and again until he could say them correctly.  In the meantime, Miss Swan came in with something of a cold.  She was sniffling and sneezing.  Bobby, excited beyond measure, ran up to her, holding out the white feather.

“Möchten Sie einen Schwan zu werden?” he chanted.

“What?”  Miss Schwanneke, the vocal music teacher, took the feather.  She suddenly looked ill, as if a cold wind had blown in and frozen her very soul.  She put a hand over her mouth and ran out of the room.

Everyone began asking each other what was happening, and of course, nobody knew.  But two Norwall kids, Bobby Niland and Blueberry Bates, stood staring at each other with white faces.  Thirty minutes of rampant speculation, rumors of the teacher’s death in the bathroom, and the eventual arrival in the classroom of a substitute had Bobby looking whiter than a ghost.  Blue didn’t feel very well herself.

“Well, class, the period is almost shot,” said Mrs. Thompson the all-purpose substitute teacher. “We will just kinda sit here and wait for the bell.  Sit down and be good for a few minutes more.  At about that time, they began to hear a ticking sound at the window.  Meghan Baumgartner was the first to see it.

“Miss, miss!  There’s a big white bird pecking at the window wanting to get in out of the snow!”

Blueberry and Bobby looked at the same moment.  It was a huge, white… swan.

Bobby’s pants were immediately soaked, and he, too ran out of the room.

*****

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Filed under artwork, colored pencil, drawing, humor, irony, Pegasus, strange and wonderful ideas about life

Mickey Gets Older… and Older… and, well, you know…

5.0.2 http://disneyparks.disney.go.com/

Mickey Mouse was born on November 18, 1928 in the film “Steamboat Willie”.  Yesterday was his 86th Birthday.  He’s still pretty spry for such an old guy.  My own father is pretty close to the same age, born in about 1932.

And I… I was born in a blizzard in 1956, on November 17th, the day before his 28th birthday.  Don’t do the math.  I don’t really want to know how old I am.  I have six incurable diseases, and I may be adding a seventh to that, depending on what my cardiologist finds out.  I survived malignant melanoma in 1983.  I am deeply grateful for every day of the 31 years I have lived since.

This post started out as something about birthdays.  Mickey’s and mine (who am also Mickey)…  But I think it is really about numbers.  There are still important numbers to consider.  I have published two novels, Aeroquest and Catch a Falling Star.  I have one more novel that I signed a contract with PDMI Publishing for, Snow Babies.  It is the best story I ever wrote.  I have a finished manuscript, The Bicycle-Wheel Genius, that I am polishing to submit to the publisher in the spring.  I submitted a finished novel, Superchicken, that I am still waiting for word on, whether they will publish it, pass on it, or burn it and wave chicken feet over the ashes.  So I potentially have four books that could be in print soon.  I am feverishly trying to finish my novel The Magical Miss Morgan in draft form.  Why am I so feverishly trying to turn four books into five?  And then maybe five into six?  It is a question of time.  How much time do I really have left?  I confess to having at least twelve novel length stories that are only written in my head and outlined on paper.  The clock is ticking.  I want to share all of these stories, but I know I probably do not have 86+ years.  I truly believe that both this Mickey and that Mickey are capable of speaking to the ages, but it can only happen if I get my words shared so that somebody I do not know will read them, smile a little, laugh a little, maybe cry a little, and understand what I tried to say.

So here’s a self portrait of what Mickey once looked like (before the beard and long hair) along with Valerie Clarke, the main character of Snow Babies, and the most beautiful little girl ever born in Norwall, Iowa.

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Filed under artwork, birthdays, colored pencil, humor, irony, Mickey, numbers, Paffooney, photos, plans