My name is Jade Beyer, and I’m the loyal, lovable family dog (at least, I hope I still am). I am writing today’s post because Dad is mad at me. And I should point out that it takes a lot of effort for me write Dad’s post for him. I can’t really type with my paws because I hit lots of letters all at once when I do that. I found a way, however, to roll up my tongue and punch a single letter at a time. And the dog slobber only makes the computer spark and fritz a little bit more than usual. So he should really appreciate me for going to all that effort.
You see, yesterday, after lunch was over, I got up on the table to look for left-over people food. Eating enough people food turns you into a people, as I’m sure you already knew. Really, it’s true! Otherwise, how could a family dog like me learn to read and write so good? Anyway, while looking for people food, I found a clear plastic thing in the shape of Henry’s teeth next to his empty plate. It smelled like Henry. And I love Henry. So, I chewed on the thing that smelled just like Henry because I love him. How was I supposed to know that a new retainer costs $350? People pay ridiculous amounts of money for stuff that Henry just puts in his own mouth anyway. It doesn’t justify my family re-telling that awful story about when Uncle Maligaya was a boy in the Philippines and he let his friends talk him into cooking and eating the family dog. I really don’t like that story.
And this morning, Dad got back from driving the Princess to her new school all grumpy because of traffic and stupid Texas drivers who don’t know how to signal for a lane change but definitely know how to cut you off in the drop-off lane. I offered to drive for him. But he’s still mad at me. And he reminded me that the last time I drove the car, I accidentally ran over three cats. (I told him the reason for that is because I have no thumbs and can’t hold the steering wheel properly. But that might not be entirely true. Mr. Tinkles is evil and deserved to die.) So, we settled on me writing his post for today so he could have time to call the orthodontist and make an appointment to get a new retainer made. And if it doesn’t turn out to be any good as a piece of literature, well, it’s because I am dog, and apparently not a very good dog. (I’m really not clear on what “I’m going to make dog burgers out of that @#$%&! dog!” actually means.)