The Dog is in the Doghouse

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My name is Jade Beyer, and I’m the loyal, lovable family dog (at least, I hope I still am).  I am writing today’s post because Dad is mad at me.  And I should point out that it takes a lot of effort for me write Dad’s post for him.  I can’t really type with my paws because I hit lots of letters all at once when I do that.  I found a way, however, to roll up my tongue and punch a single letter at a time.  And the dog slobber  only makes the computer spark and fritz a little bit more than usual.  So he should really appreciate me for going to all that effort.

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You see, yesterday, after lunch was over, I got up on the table to look for left-over people food.   Eating enough people food turns you into a people, as I’m sure you already knew.  Really, it’s true!  Otherwise, how could a family dog like me learn to read and write so good?  Anyway, while looking for people food, I found a clear plastic thing in the shape of Henry’s teeth next to his empty plate.  It smelled like Henry.  And I love Henry.  So, I chewed on the thing that smelled just like Henry because I love him.  How was I supposed to know that a new retainer costs $350?  People pay ridiculous amounts of money for stuff that Henry just puts in his own mouth anyway.  It doesn’t justify my family re-telling that awful story about when Uncle Maligaya was a boy in the Philippines and he let his friends talk him into cooking and eating the family dog.  I really don’t like that story.

Jade girl

A portrait of me as the people I’m meant to be

And this morning, Dad got back from driving the Princess to her new school all grumpy because of traffic and stupid Texas drivers who don’t know how to signal for a lane change but definitely know how to cut you off in the drop-off lane.  I offered to drive for him.  But he’s still mad at me.  And he reminded me that the last time I drove the car, I accidentally ran over three cats.  (I told him the reason for that is because I have no thumbs and can’t hold the steering wheel properly.  But that might not be entirely true.  Mr. Tinkles is evil and deserved to die.)  So, we settled on me writing his post for today so he could have time to call the orthodontist and make an appointment to get a new retainer made.  And if it doesn’t turn out to be any good as a piece of literature, well, it’s because I am dog, and apparently not a very good  dog.  (I’m really not clear on what “I’m going to make dog burgers out of that @#$%&! dog!” actually means.)

27 Comments

Filed under family, family dog, feeling sorry for myself, humor, Paffooney, strange and wonderful ideas about life

27 responses to “The Dog is in the Doghouse

  1. You’ve got a rare breed of orthodontist!😊

    • He’s Korean, and he gives us special treatment because my wife is from the Philippines, making us honorary Asians. I guess I am probably the most German-American Asian there is.

  2. Hahaha! Yes, love this! Don’t worry he won’t stay mad at your for long 🙂

  3. This is too funny. Especially the part of the cats.

  4. You are such a creative dog! I wish my dog could speak english and type it hahaha. I want you now!!!

  5. Aww hopefully you won’t be in the doghouse for long. You’re a cutie like my little dog and he gets away with EVERYTHING!! 🙂

  6. Luana Mercy

    I love posts in dog voice. 🙂 I have some of those over here too.

  7. Oh dear naughty puppy! My puppy is only 14 weeks and fingers crossed she’s not done anything as naughty as this just yet 🙈 so good your orthodontist did charge!

  8. love and enjoyed this! Well written!

  9. HI Jade, we have lots treat for you http://bit.ly/MavelPets – you’re so adorable!

  10. Ohhh I love this! It made my Monday morning!! So funny! Sorry about the retainer though :/

  11. jade you are so cute.. Woof!

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