My name is Jade Beyer, and I’m the loyal, lovable family dog (at least, I hope I still am). I am writing today’s post because Dad is mad at me. And I should point out that it takes a lot of effort for me write Dad’s post for him. I can’t really type with my paws because I hit lots of letters all at once when I do that. I found a way, however, to roll up my tongue and punch a single letter at a time. And the dog slobber only makes the computer spark and fritz a little bit more than usual. So he should really appreciate me for going to all that effort.
You see, yesterday, after lunch was over, I got up on the table to look for left-over people food. Eating enough people food turns you into a people, as I’m sure you already knew. Really, it’s true! Otherwise, how could a family dog like me learn to read and write so good? Anyway, while looking for people food, I found a clear plastic thing in the shape of Henry’s teeth next to his empty plate. It smelled like Henry. And I love Henry. So, I chewed on the thing that smelled just like Henry because I love him. How was I supposed to know that a new retainer costs $350? People pay ridiculous amounts of money for stuff that Henry just puts in his own mouth anyway. It doesn’t justify my family re-telling that awful story about when Uncle Maligaya was a boy in the Philippines and he let his friends talk him into cooking and eating the family dog. I really don’t like that story.
A portrait of me as the people I’m meant to be
And this morning, Dad got back from driving the Princess to her new school all grumpy because of traffic and stupid Texas drivers who don’t know how to signal for a lane change but definitely know how to cut you off in the drop-off lane. I offered to drive for him. But he’s still mad at me. And he reminded me that the last time I drove the car, I accidentally ran over three cats. (I told him the reason for that is because I have no thumbs and can’t hold the steering wheel properly. But that might not be entirely true. Mr. Tinkles is evil and deserved to die.) So, we settled on me writing his post for today so he could have time to call the orthodontist and make an appointment to get a new retainer made. And if it doesn’t turn out to be any good as a piece of literature, well, it’s because I am dog, and apparently not a very good dog. (I’m really not clear on what “I’m going to make dog burgers out of that @#$%&! dog!” actually means.)
Catch a Falling Star 
Oh dear 😉
You can rest easy. The orthodontist decided not to charge us, so dog burgers are not an option.
You’ve got a rare breed of orthodontist!😊
He’s Korean, and he gives us special treatment because my wife is from the Philippines, making us honorary Asians. I guess I am probably the most German-American Asian there is.
Hahaha! Yes, love this! Don’t worry he won’t stay mad at your for long 🙂
Thank you for the encouragement. Dad says he forgives me, but dogburgers are still a thing.
This is too funny. Especially the part of the cats.
I am sorry. I will try to make it not too funny the next time I let the dog write my post. Or is too funny a good thing?
It’s a definitely a good thing.
You are such a creative dog! I wish my dog could speak english and type it hahaha. I want you now!!!
I can’t really type it. I just sorta splotch it with my tongue and rely on spell correct a lot.
Aww hopefully you won’t be in the doghouse for long. You’re a cutie like my little dog and he gets away with EVERYTHING!! 🙂
Woof! Thanks.
I love posts in dog voice. 🙂 I have some of those over here too.
Are you suggesting she didn’t actually write this post? I need to talk to her about that!
Oh dear naughty puppy! My puppy is only 14 weeks and fingers crossed she’s not done anything as naughty as this just yet 🙈 so good your orthodontist did charge!
This dog has stolen the tortillas off the counter even though she has to jump up twice her height to snatch the bag. Theft of things to chew is a way of life with her. One time I may try to put a mouse trap under the bag, to see if that cures anything. The dog just read that over my shoulder… so I guess that won’t work after all.
Wow that is one determined little dog! Maybe you should blog from another room so the dog can’t read your plans in future!
😀
love and enjoyed this! Well written!
I’m glad. The dog is glad you liked her writing too.
lol 🙂
HI Jade, we have lots treat for you http://bit.ly/MavelPets – you’re so adorable!
Ohhh I love this! It made my Monday morning!! So funny! Sorry about the retainer though
jade you are so cute.. Woof!
love it! so cute!
😀