My life is rather fragile at this point. I have recently been ill with a virus. For me, as a COPD sufferer, that can be fatal. My lungs will easily clog and become a serious case of pneumonia. A virus like that will probably be the death of me. I don’t have the money it takes to go to the emergency room. Medical costs have perched my finances over the edge of the chasm of bankruptcy. Caught on a couple of tree roots, my ability to pay for anything dangles over the abyss. The next emergency will be my last… a conscious decision. Man, my blog is a real hoot so far, huh?
But as cold and rainy weather moves in… I am at peace. I have been at war all my life long. I have fought the war against ignorance by being a school teacher. I have fought to make a life for my family, and though financial security is not a part of that, I can testify that my three kids are creative and wonderful people that will survive and make me proud. And my written work, novels and this very blog, are complete enough to secure my legacy of ideas, beliefs, and wisdom to be passed on.
Now, I know that this all sounds like a depressed person saying goodbye. In some ways that is what it is. But it is not something to be worried over. I am not depressed. I am on medication to prevent debilitating depression. I have helped members of my family overcome depression. I am a warrior, and I know how to strike back against the darkness. I will not take my own life. I am, in fact, very good at survival. Thirty-two years ago I beat malignant melanoma. I have six incurable diseases that I have successfully juggled and dealt with for years. There is no humiliating thing or gruesome test that doctors haven’t either inflicted upon me or allowed me to narrowly avoid. I may continue to struggle on for many years. If I am saying goodbye in this post, it is only a just-in-case goodbye. It is really more of a statement that I believe I have achieved what a person needs to achieve in life to be successful. I have completed a quest. When I was a gawky doofus of an Iowegian teenager, I made a vow to be a wizard. I wanted to learn and share wisdom. I believe I have done so. I am wise enough to know that no man lives forever, and with all the factors arrayed against me, I know what comes next. So, I apologize for no humor in this post. But the Toy Soldier Paffooney in this post inspires me. The forced march continues… and it will not end until the soldiers can no longer put one more foot forward.