Naked Innocence

So the time came to make the planned return trip to the nudist park in Alvord, Texas.  I was going to finally get to make my second visit to the place for the Labor Day holiday weekend.  But once again it was not to be.  My daughter caught a virus during her first week of school.  She gave it to me and her brother.  Of course, neither of them were planning to go along, and their mother would sooner find another husband than be naked in a place where other people would see.  They all think I am nuts for wanting to go spend time with other naturists gadding about naked in the hot Texas sunshine.  My wife wants me to get my head examined.  She thinks all the stories about aliens from outer space may have gotten my head artificially replaced by the Men in Black.

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And she may be totally correct in her assessment.  She is a school teacher, after all.  I, probably just like you, was carefully taught to never be seen naked in public because it is probably a sin, and it is definitely against the law, and it is very likely something only crazy people do on purpose.  Never-the-less, I did it once as a writing assignment for a nudist website that told me the review was wonderful and they were definitely going to publish it, and as of this writing, over a year later, they still haven’t done so (though a rival website reblogged one of my nudist posts from this blog).

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I have come to the idiotic conclusion, though, that nudism isn’t sinful if practiced around like-minded people who are also comfortably nude.  I met and talked to nudists last year who were .very easy to get to know.  They were likable and no prettier in the buff than I am myself (and with my psoriasis pink leopard spots I am pretty horrible to look at naked.)  And the nudist park is not a place for sexual goings-on and sinful behavior.  It is a family environment where some people bring their naked kids.

I remember enjoying being naked as a kid even though I had been taught that Jesus is ashamed by seeing my nudity even though he is always watching over me, even when I am in the bathtub.  I remember one time when I was a pre-teen that I took my bicycle to the Bingham Park woods and rode it up and down the trails there completely naked.  And even though I had been carefully taught how evil that was, the cool wind on my skin felt good, and it was glorious to listen to the birds sing in a green wood almost as if it were the Garden of Eden and I was Adam, the first man.  (Hence the illustration of the bare bike boy.)

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It seems to me, now that I am old, retired, and probably at least a little bit senile, that nakedness is really a form of innocence.  I can tell you for a fact from being a parent and having, at one point, worked in a daycare center for ages five and below, that it is actually far easier to get a kid to go completely starkers than it is to get them to put on and comfortably wear clothes.  Nakedness is natural.  And if God had really wanted us to be naked all the time, then we wouldn’t have been born with a full suit of clothes on… er, wait… what?  Nakedness is innocent.  Anything bad that comes from it happens because of the things we have been taught about it as children.  A more enlightened society would probably be naked more than we are, especially inside temperature-controlled sealed environments… like houses, cars, and even spaceships.  Ah, yes, back to the Men in Black and possible head-switching again.  Aliens in their saucers are apparently often naked.  I wonder if Jesus is ashamed by their nudity too?

Anyway, I once again have failed to manage the planned nakedness I had been looking forward to.  I have to settle for the indoor, sealed-environment form of nudity as I am too sick to get to the nudist park, and would promptly be arrested if I tried to walk around the neighborhood like that.  But the failed evil plan did give me something to write about that at least makes me laugh.  And it is an innocent laugh, not an evil one.

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Wizarding Ain’t Easy

Timely thoughts about wisdom that I think all the time.

authormbeyer's avatarCatch a Falling Star

wizzyme A wizard selfie taken at Mad Ludwig’s Castle in Bavaria.

My quest to become a wizard began when I was but a kid reading comic books.  It got a boost when I became a middle school English teacher and realized the fundamental truth of the universe, human beings know practically nothing at all… about anything.  The only path to wisdom is the way of the fool.

So, I embraced it.  It made it so much easier to teach and manage a classroom full of teenybumpers to realize the only thing that works when they laugh at you and make fun of you, is to be able to laugh at yourself and make fun of them right back.

I learned along the way that things that hurt you and make you suffer cause wisdom to happen.  You walk under a ladder and the painter accidentally drops a paint bucket on your…

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The Benefits of Having a Virus

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To be perfectly honest, I can’t think of a single recommended use for a virus, either the computer kind or the kind I have right now that floored me for the past five days.  The computer kind damages expensive hardware and ruins expensive software, and serves no purpose I can fathom beyond usefulness in acts of evil.  And I do not recommend getting sick with a virus.  Every viral illness I have gotten over the past two decades has been, for me being a diabetic, potentially fatal.

But the book that Raggedy Clown and Baby Clown are displaying here in a vain attempt at marketing was written during a continuing siege of virally-induced bronchitis… Six times in four years.  Writing benefitted from lost work time and extended usage of sick days from my teaching job.  Some of my most creative work has happened because of bizarre dreams dreamed while having a fever.

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Idiotically I leaped out of bed with a feverish inspiration in the middle of a mostly sleepless night to write down a song, as if I had any business trying to be a songwriter.  I had listened earlier in the evening to a compilation of sad songs on YouTube obtained by typing the words “sad songs of the 80’s” into the search box.  I listened to a totally gawd-awful mess of weepers because in the book I am now writing, Sing Sad Songs, the main character Francois sings almost exclusively only sad songs.  That listening session must have caused just enough brain damage to make me think I could somehow compose a worthy sad song of my own to horrify readers with as an original song written by the character in the book.  Clever idea.  Impossible to carry out with my croaking toad-like musical abilities.  I can probably polish up the poetry to an acceptably awful level, but the tune half-heard in my dream is now completely lost and inapplicable.

Dr Seabreez

So, on the whole, I would have to say I have been decidedly unwell.  But, overall, it has not proved to be a barrier to my creative work.  It has really only served to make the strange little imaginary realm I live in a little bit stranger.

This is, of course, not a medical dissertation, or any sort of health and wellness advice that I am not qualified to give.  But it would be ironic if lots of people suddenly re-posted this essay and it ended up going viral like my post on visiting a nudist park did.

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Being and Artistry

I am feeling punkishly ill again… as in sick… I mean, how do you say you don’t feel well without modern slang making out to be something good? So I decided to re-blog an old piece to explain my need to explain.

authormbeyer's avatarCatch a Falling Star

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Being an artist is a matter of genetics, luck, and loads of practice.  I began drawing when I was only four or five years old.  I drew skulls and skeletons, crocodiles and deer on everything.  My kindergarten and first grade teachers were constantly gritting their teeth over the marked-up margins of every workbook and worksheet.  I drew and colored on everything.  I eventually got rather good, drawing in pencil, crayon, ink, and as you see here, colored pencil.  I loved to draw the people and things around me.  I also drew the things of my imagination.  I drew my best girl, Alicia, and I drew the half-cobra half-man that lived in the secret cavern under our house.  I drew a picture of the house across the underpass from Grandma Mary’s house.  I drew cardinals, and I drew Snoopy cartoons.  I drew my sports heroes in football and hockey, Donny Anderson…

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Aeroquest… Canto 35

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Canto 35 – Stardog Attack

      As the Megadeath popped out of jump into the Phoebus IV Star System, the crew was amazed to find a school of Lupin corsairs in an apparent feeding frenzy.  The old merchant vessel that they were attacking carried a Psion Empire logo.

“Vince!” cried Tkriashav, “Take us into attack mode!”

“Um… Yeah.”  Vince Niell locked on a nearby target and drove at it in flank speed.  “Cold Death!  You got weapon-duty, dude!”

“Wha…?”  Cold Death grabbed the controls for the rail guns in both shaky white hands.

“Vince, babe, we don’t know how to do this stuff!” cried Nikki Sixx.  “We never got this far in the space academy!”

“Oh, great!” swore Tkriashav.  He probed with his mind and locked onto the weak brainwaves of Cold Death.  He took control and aimed the weapons with Cold Death’s hands.

“Wha…?”  Cold Death popped three super-accelerated slugs through the hull of the nearest corsair.  The Stardog warrior spewed sparks, parts, and dying crewmen into space.

“<Who are you, friend?>” called the merchant ship in the Zaradese language.  “<We thank you for the help.>”

“<I am Tkriashav, returning home with great news!>”

“<You are a miracle, then!>”

The Megadeath was faster and more deadly than anything the Lupins had to fight back with.  Vince’s able piloting combined with the ship’s superior design to lay waste to sixteen of the clunkier Lupin vessels.  Finally the Lupins signaled surrender.

“Prepare to be boarded!” commanded Tkriashav to the Stardog flagship.

“Wha…?” said Cold Death.  “How we gonna do that?  There’s only four of us!”

“They don’t know that,” answered Tkriashav.  “Grab laser rifles and come with me.  We will all go across and accept their surrender.”

“Dude, I hope you know what you’re doing,” said Vince.

“I hope I do too,” said Tkriashav with a sardonic grin.

The boarding party took an air-raft, a small open-top anti-gravity vehicle, and made the crossing to the largest Stardog corsair.  The Lupin vessel was, of course, in a sorry state of disrepair.  These corsairs had all been used excessively with only a bare minimum of maintenance.  It was little wonder that the Megadeath, newest vessel in this part of space, could cut through the corsair ships like a hot knife through lukewarm cheese.  Xavier could count the scratches on the portal side and classify them as plasma burns, bullet holes, or near-miss collision marks.  It was amazing that Lupins could still get these ships to fly.

Inside the airlock, the crew removed their vacuum helmets and breathed the stink of Lupin-befouled air.  These space mongrels apparently knew little of the steward skills necessary to maintain shipboard environments.

“Welcome Psion Master,” said a red-furred Lupin female who appeared to be the Lupin leader.  “We surrender all our treasures and our ships to you.”

“That’s very generous,” said Tkriashav, “but what are your terms for surrender?”

“Unconditional, right?”  She looked at the five crewmen who accompanied her to the docking bay for support.  They all nodded vigorously.  “Yes, unconditional surrender.”

“Very well, then.  Follow us down to the planet.  We will put your people under the authority of the planet Zarane.”

“Okay,” said the unnaturally pleased Lupin leader.

“Why are you so darn agreeable?” asked Vince, giving voice to the unease that Tkriashav had hoped not to let slip.

“Oh, we need a new government,” said the Lupin Lady.  “Our homeworld has been overrun by Nebulon colonists.  There are so many Smurfs on Zaell right now that a Stardog can’t spit without messing one.”

“Nebulons?” asked Tkriashav.  “I thought they all lived in stars to the leading edge of the Orion Spur.  What are they doing trillions of miles from home?”

“Colonizing,” said the Lupin Lady.

“So why were you attacking a Psion merchant if you meant to ask us for sanctuary?”

“Bad habits, I guess.  We don’t mean to offend.  We even brought a Psion prisoner here to return him to his home.  We thought it would be a sign of good faith.”

“A Psion?” asked Xavier, “Who?  And where from?”

“He was living in a Psion colony overrun by Nebulons.  Mattey!  Produce the boy!”

A blond-haired, blue-eyed boy wearing a white cowboy hat and a white tunic was lead into the docking bay.  He smiled shyly as Tkriashav was pointed out to him.

“Are you a Psion, boy?”

“Yes, sir.  I’m a Pyro.  I can’t help it most of the time.  These Stardogs have been bringing me back to Zarane.”

“What’s your name, child?” asked Tkriashav.

“I am Rocket Rogers, sir.”

Tkriashav laughed.  “I suppose your father’s name was Buck?” he jested.

“Yes.  And my grandfather’s name was Will and my Uncle was Roy.  We were all Pyros.”

“What happened to your family?”

“All killed by pirates before the Nebulons tried to colonize our world.  The Monopoly Brigade wiped out Bradalanth Colony.  Stardogs found me in a raid just as the Nebulons were entering our solar system.”

“So they helped you?”

“Well, yes.  They helped me and looted what was left of our colony before the Nebulons got there.”

“All right, Stardogs,” said Tkriashav, raising both arms dramatically.  “I may not be the leader of the two Psion planets in this system, but I can promise you help and safe harbor.  I come bearing good news to the people of the Psion Empire.  The Prophecy of Xan is being fulfilled even as we speak.  A new White Spider has arisen!  A new realm is about to take shape!  You will be a part of that, Lupin and Psion alike!  Come with me to Zarane and we will make History!”

Both crews cheered, but being rather slow, neither crew probably fully understood what was being said.

 

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Foopty-Hoodooloo

Ima mickey33

I’m a Mickey, yes, indeedy…

Foopty-Hoopty-Hoodilly-Hoo!

Chicken-ninja throwing stars,

Hit their targets thrown from Mars…

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And when the pandas drive their cars,

Their tire treads are candy bars!

Take that truth from me!

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Foopty-Hoopty-Fiddly-Ho!

Being a Mickey is a rabbity thing…

As if it were Bugs who taught us to sing,

And unmusical music we all start to bring…

Because we use only the words that we know!

Foopty-Hoodilly-Fling-a-ding-Ding!

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More Powerful Than a Potassium-Rich Banana

20141204_133754It is a time when we need a hero to step forward.  We lost one when Senator John McCain .headed off to Valhalla this week.  I didn’t agree with practically any of his political positions.  But the man stood up for what’s right and what’s wrong.  He took stances routinely that went against some of the worst drivers of Republican actions.  He prevented them from doing a lot of worse evils.  My Republican friends in Iowa disparaged McCain just as Trump did as a RINO (Republican In Name Only).  But he stood up for  us with the thumb down gesture when the evil Republican Oligarchs were voting to take away the gains in health care that we made under Obama.

It is a time when we need a hero to step forward.  Of course, we are always in need of heroes.  There is so much in our little lives that depends on the strong among us to shield us from the darkness that fills the universe.  And heroes come in many forms.  There was a time when I needed a hero to step forward and deliver me from evil in the Emergency Room in Pearsall Texas.  I was there because I was suffering from a severe lack of potassium in my bloodstream.  You don’t realize how important balanced potassium in the bloodstream is until you don’t have it.  The shakes, the pain, the fog interfering with my cognitive functioning would all have overwhelmed me permanently if the banana doctor had not run a potassium-rich IV directly into a vein in my arm and then proscribed bananas and apples in my diet when he let me go home without an expensive hospital stay.  I never learned his name, hence the epithet of “banana doctor”, but he was a hero to me when I needed one.

I think the real point here is, though, that we are forever needing heroes to step up.  More than once, as a school teacher, it was me who was called on to step up and do the hero job.  Talking on the phone late on a Saturday night to a suffering, suicidal teen, getting between two middle school girls and a leering stranger on a field trip in San Antonio, facing down a berserk child with real metal ninja throwing stars in a school hallway and getting him to run away rather than pursuing his target… gawd, looking back, I should’ve been scared out of my wits.  Don’t tell my mother that those things really happened.

And maybe that is the only place we should really be looking for heroes, inside ourselves.  Believe me, there is no Superman or Wolverine in the real world outside of the one in your own heart.  And that one will step up and answer the call if you sincerely need him… or her.  Take it from a guy once known in high school as “Superchicken”.  Now there’s an inspiring superhero name!

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Comic Book Heroes – A is for Aquaman

I love this old essay for what I discovered about myself by writing it.

authormbeyer's avatarCatch a Falling Star

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Today’s Paffooney is a tribute to a childhood hero, Aquaman.   I drew the picture from a comic book inspiration source coming from DC Comics in the 1960’s.  Aquaman is a B-level superhero with not nearly so many fans as the big three, Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman.   He was, however, my second favorite after Spiderman.  He was more important to me than the Avengers.  And this was strange, because I only had the chance to read the sacred comic books in the old barbershop in uptown Rowan.  I only remember about two different issues that I was able to read during the long wait for a haircut.  (Haircuts on Saturday took forever, because all the bald and crew-cut farmers would take forever getting their hair cut.  And they hardly had any hair!   I think the barber cut each hair individually.)

Aquaman and Aqualad would journey together in an incredible…

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The Hidden Kingdom (scanned anew)

I have finally found a way to create clean, bright copies of my pages of the graphic novel Hidden Kingdom.  I managed to scan it in portions and then piece it together with a photoshopping program.

Now I will post my re-scanned and puzzled-together masterwork.  It will become my regular Saturday feature.

Here now is my first installment;

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And so I will continue to work on and add pages of artwork each week.

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My Mother’s Dolls

Here’s a beloved old post about my hoarding disorder and randomly unmanly doll fixation.

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Tom Sawyer without the straw hat, as created by Lois Beyer Tom Sawyer without the straw hat, as created by Lois Beyer

You may already know about my doll-collecting mania.  You may have already called the mental health people to come take care of the problem, and they just haven’t arrived at my door yet with the white coat that has the extra long sleeves.  But you may not know that my mother is a doll-maker and has something to do with my doll-collecting hoarding disorder.

In the early 1990’s my mother and I put our money together and bought a kiln while we were visiting my sister’s family out in California.  It wasn’t the most expensive model, but it wasn’t the cheapest, either.  We both had enough experience with ceramics that we didn’t want to buy a burning box that was merely going to blow our porcelain projects to kingdom come.  Mother had doll-making friends in Texas who taught her…

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