Canto Twenty-Six – On the Moon Gundahl
Farbick and Starbright sat together on the bench outside the fat Galtorrian’s office in the moon base where the Tellerons were now prisoners. Biznap was inside arguing vehemently about something. The two lizard-men, apparently the only lizard-men on the entire moon, were arguing from a position of strength and superiority, though Farbick could plainly see that the Telleron landing party out-numbered them, seemed smarter than them, and definitely had better and more capable technology.
“Do you think Commander Biznap will secure our freedom?” Starbright asked guilelessly. Her large green eyes were shimmering with tremulous female uncertainty. She was attractive in ways no other female had ever seemed to Farbick before.
“He’s the best officer and negotiator we have in Xiar’s entire fleet,” Farbick answered, “so, no… probably not. We are not very competent when it comes to things like this.”
“We are doomed? Will they eat us?”
“Well, Biznap couldn’t bargain his way out of a paper sack,” said Farbick. “Especially in view of the fact that we can’t really let these cannibal lizards get their claws on high tech devices like cloaking fields, invisibility cloaks, and skortch rays… certainly not star drives for space ships. But a paper sack is made of paper, after all. We could punch our way out.”
“What do you mean?”
“These lizard men are not very smart. They are not very well armed, as long as they don’t acquire and learn how to use our weapons. They seem tough on the outside, but I think we could beat them in a fight.”
Starbright looked at him skeptically. “You think so?”
“We need to take the initiative. I’m sure if the three of us, as Tellerons, worked together and eliminated the little warrior-guy, the fat one would surrender easily. He doesn’t appear to be the kind who fights his own battles.”
“You are very brave and haves been through lots of difficult situations, but I’m a poor, frail female with skills I learned in the egg, but no practical experience. I would end up causing you and brave Commander Biznap to die needlessly. It would be a terrible thing.”
“We are not going to give up and be beaten so easily,” said Farbick. “If I learned one thing in my time as a captive among Earther primates, it is that every individual has inner resources that they may not even know they have. Together we are more formidable than we have ever let ourselves believe.”
“You really think so?”
Farbick looked at her lovely round face and earnest expression. He thought about the kissing thing. He had seen Alden and Gracie Morrell do it. He had seen Harmony Castille and Commander Biznap do it. It was a strange Earther thing, but if he turned his face just a little to the right, he could…
“What are you… mmmph… doing?” She looked shocked.
“It is an Earther custom, expressing respect and admiration.”
“Oh… it is?”
“And love.”
Her eyes lit up at the Earther human concept that had seemingly been the only thing to thwart the invasion of Earth. He could see she was intrigued. Old reruns of I Love Lucy and Bewitched were part of every Telleron tadpole’s how-to-be-like-an-Earther training, programmed directly into their developing brains while in their amniotic egg-sacks. Tellerons were gestated in eggs and programmed with learning programs until they were the equivalent of an Earther eight-year-old, at which point they were all saturated with the kissing thing poured directly into embryonic brains, and ready to be born.
“Like Darren and Samantha? In Bewitched?” she asked.
“Yes.”
She leaned in and repeated the gesture. She improved on it. It lasted a very long time and Farbick felt that she liked it nearly as much as he did. They could make tadpoles together… even if he did have inferior Fmoogish blood in his veins.
At that moment they were interrupted by Commander Biznap.
“Good news! I have secured our release, Farbick!”
“What did you promise them?” asked Farbick.
“That we would strip the entire available tech out of the wing and leave it here, along with Starbright to teach them how to use it all.”
“And how do we get Starbright back?”
“Oh, uh… we don’t. When they are finished learning how to use the technology, they will eat her.”
*****
Starbright
Holiday Mixed Nuts
I know what this is. This is Grandma Aldrich’s holiday nut bowl with nut-cracker and silver walnut picks. It brings back fond memories of Thanksgiving Day and Christmas reunions that were filled with nuts. And, yes, I mean that figuratively as well as literally. I tend to really love nuts.
And one of the most insidious things about Facebook is the fact that it connects you to all the nuts from your checkered past, and memories like this can come back to haunt you any day or any month… not just at holiday family gatherings.
I probably don’t have to remind you that the incredible spray-tanned intellectual-fartgas-container this country elected as its next leader is not, and will never be, my president. I reject him in his every detail. He is anathema to everything I stand for and believe in. And some of my lovely Iowegian Facebook friends are responsible for for helping him win. I have not unfriended anybody as they may have done to me. I am still constantly amused by them and their families, even though their choice offends me. But I do get tired of being bombarded with Brazil nuts of “He won, get over it! We endured 8 years of your president!” I hate Brazil nuts. They are difficult to crack open, especially with the skinny, silver nutcracker you see in the picture above. And after you go to all that effort, they don’t taste very good. Brazil nuts are always the last nuts in the nut bowl because nobody actually likes them. And besides, I don’t remember Republicans in Congress accepting defeat under Obama gracefully. They kicked and spit and shut down the government in a hissy fit. What do they have against the government trying to make healthcare affordable, anyway? Still, I get those big, hard, oddly-shaped nuts in my Facebook feed constantly this time of year.
My sister posted the meme you see above on my Facebook wall. She says it is actually quite easy to become a complete master of doing what the meme suggests, by which she means me more so than her. I like walnuts. They are hard to crack, but not impossible like Brazil nuts. And once you have split them into two haves, two separate turtle shells, you still have to pick the walnut meat out of a hard, spiky labyrinth of dastardly convoluted walls of interior shell. But you end up with something delicious if you put in the time picking things apart. I fondly remember singing goofy Christmas carols with my two sisters and half-dozen cousins at Grandma and Grandpa Aldrich’s farm this time of year. Elaborate versions of “I’m dreaming of a pink-and-purple-polka-dotted Christmas…” and “Jingle bells, Batman smells…” My sister is often critical of me and doubts my sanity, as a good sister should, but in the long run, we have some sweet memories to share, good times and incredibly goofy nonsense to look back upon.
But, of course, everybody’s favorite nut is the peanut. Those are the first to disappear from the nut bowl. Holiday gatherings are mainly about eating, but the most important second-place thing is everybody’s self-generated house apes… the next generation of little Beyers and Aldrich’s and Fimblegrubbers and Pumblechooks (yes, I know I am not actually related to Fimblegrubbers or Pumblechooks, but I like funny names, and I have to live with the funny-named people who attend our family gatherings). We all enjoy watching them play games of “infuriate your sister” or “chase Grampy’s dog till it bites you” because they are funny, adorable and cute. Sometimes they even play with mutant toy Elmo-looking things like the one in the picture, though I didn’t draw this from a family member, and I added the mutant features to avoid questions of copyright infringement.
Anyway, holidays are notoriously full of nuts, both literal and figurative. And we really have to learn to appreciate them all.
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Tagged as Brazil nuts, family reunions, making people angry, nuts, Peanuts, politics, walnuts