Quackatoonity (Religion Where Ducks are Always Watching)

Yes, the universe was not formed in a big bang. It hatched from an egg. And God is the Ultimate Mallard.

Anatidaephobia (pronounced anna-tidy-phobia) is a pervasive and irrational fear that you are being watched by a duck. A person with this rare phobia fears that somehow, somewhere a duck is watching their every move.

This phobia about being watched by a duck may seem like a strange basis for forming a new religion. But I may have had an epiphany as a child when a goose at Deer Farm Zoo stuck his neck, head, and beak of retribution out through a hole in his chicken-wire cage and nearly nipped me in my five-year-old neck. That epiphany led to recurring nightmares about being chased by a duck with large white teeth that looked like he had bad human dentures in his bill.

This I tended to interpret as a sign that I was facing a big decision about what I would attempt to do with my young life, and would do it wrong.

Ducks in the farmyard, you see, are temperamental, often impulsive, and randomly violent. They will punish you for sins you did not know you were committing.

So, in this Quackatoon faith in judgmental ducks who are constantly watching our every move, thought, and deed, we should be taking Saint Donald Duck as our role-model and guide. When we see sin and wrongness in the world we are watching, we must dissolve in incoherent rage. Point your finger. Shout things that no one understands. Get the world’s attention. Confuse them completely. And get them to wonder what they did to make you so rage-filled and dangerously aggravated.

Then, hopefully, they will realize their sin and immediately mend their ways. Or at least, rearrange their feathers.

Or we can rely on the incompetent vengeful wrath of Saint Daffy Duck to see the unrighteousness in the rabbits of the world around us, posting Rabbit Season signs everywhere, and getting his duckbill blown off via the shotgun of a nearby Elmer who has been tricked into thinking ducks are rabbits.

Well, that might not be the most efficient prosecution of God’s will on Earth. But at least it will leave us laughing. And who can sin who is laughing that hard?

At this point in trying to establish this new religion, I should probably be talking about financial matters. Where you can send donations to the Church of Perpetual Quackers? Will there be t-shirts with religious slogans like, “You’re Driving Me Quackers!?” Do we still bring deviled eggs to church socials?

But I can’t talk about that right now… a duck is probably watching.


Filed under birds, cartoons, goofiness, humor, Paffooney, religion

9 responses to “Quackatoonity (Religion Where Ducks are Always Watching)

  1. If you suffer from the very real phobia of Anatidaephobia, here is a real website of more information that might help. https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/phobias/what-is-anatidaephobia-how-to-cope-with-it/

  2. There is always my favorite Marvel Superhero.

    • Ah, yes, I had a subscription to that comic. I remember it as a religious experience too. Hail Howard! And Beverly too! And Gene Colan, the comic book artist who pencilled most of them!

  3. Mickey, this post makes me feel daffy. Keith

  4. I had a pet duck when I was 6 that clearly thought I was God. Damn think followed me everywhere, shitting as it went. I wonder if that’s what God thinks of us?

    • The phobia this religion is based on is caused by duck-related trauma, So you are lucky to have a duck that probably wasn’t an acolyte of this religion. The duck-poo commentary from your duck was probably unwatched by the Mallard in the Sky.

      • You are clearly documenting a very scary theology. I just heard on an NPR story about how ducks, and mallards in particular, are among the few animals that engage in forced copulations, or rape. They apparently have some very scary equipment and are able to make it “explode” before a female knows what’s happening.
        Fear the Mallard.

      • Whoa! I think I should get out of this cult before they try to wash my brain. That danged goose at Deer Park Zoo was obviously trying to scare me down an evil path.

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