I made a vow that I would be more funny. But that is a difficult promise to fulfill. So, I decided to ask for some advice.
And I have the benefit of a vivid imagination, which I have had since childhood. And so, that means I know an awful lot of imaginary people. And of those, the magical ice-dragon of Doofenburgh supposedly has the best sense of humor in the nine realms. So, I went to ask his advice.
“Oh, great and laughable comedic ice dragon Bloojuice! I have come seeking a way to write a humorous blog today guaranteed to make anyone who reads it laugh so hard they will blow milk out of their nose.”
“Mickey, you know you are not the dungeon master this time around. And you are messing with a powerful, magic-using ice dragon. What if I decide to eat you, since that would be funny.”
“Well, I should remind you, then, that I have six incurable diseases. Possibly seven now that the pandemic is nearly over. Don’t you think it’s possible that I might taste pretty bad?”
“Good point. Well, my recommendation to you is to brew up a magical stew. I shall give you the recipe for humor potion with boogers in it.”
I gagged in my mouth a bit at the booger thing, but I nodded agreement to the plan. I got Bob the Apprentice to drag the silver cauldron in to begin.
“You know this thing is stainless steel, right, Master?” Bob said.
“Oh, of course. I called it silver for magical reasons.”
Bob accepted that readily. Poor Bob is not bright.
“Now what, oh ludicrous lizard Bloojuice!?”
“Remember that student you had, the one that was nutty about being a body-builder and becoming super-strong?”
“Yes, of course. Miguelito the Muscle Maniac.”
“Right. And remember that time he visited his little sister’s kindergarten class and pushed his sister and two of her friends on the swings using alternating two-handed pushes?”
“Yes, Sarita and her pals Dondi and Alejandra.”
“And he got carried away and pushed too hard. Alejandra fell butt first directly into the lap of the teacher monitoring recess. Dondi went up and over the bar so many times that he ended up tied to the top of the swing set. And Sarita was launched over the merry-go-round, landing on her soft little head, saving her from breaking any arms or legs?”
“Yes, but that story is about children getting hurt. That’s not very funny.”
“It worked for years on America’s Funniest Home Videos. And that whole TV show Malcolm in the Middle. So, write it down and put it in the pot.”
So, I did. “Now what?”
“Put the boogers in.”
So, I took hold of Bob’s ankles and shook him upside down over the cauldron. I may have gotten a bit more than just boogers and pocket change into the stew.
“Now it will make people laugh so hard that milk shoots out of their noses?”
“Well, only if you run around to everyone who reads it and force them to drink some milk.”
“And if I do all of that and still nobody laughs…?”
“Then come back here and I will try eating you.”
Okay, I guess I’m doomed.