Canto 109 – Whoa, Gnarly, Dude!
The crew of the Megadeth were busy playing beer pong in the main lounge of the starship when suddenly Dr. Hooey, Time Knight and man of mystery, mysteriously showed up at the door to the lounge.
“Oh, hey, Big-nosed Dude! Nice to see ya an’ all, but you ain’t supposed to be here. Not without the Megadeth tellin’ us that ya entered the ship!” said Nikki Sixx with a rather non-sober glint in his eyes.
“I am not going to argue with anyone here. I know this timeline like the back of my hand. You are going to agree to take me to the Battle of Coventry. It is necessary that you do this. And the book in the archives says that you have done it every time you were asked in every reality. I realize that I am not Shan Sasaki and this is the first reality that you have been asked by me for this favor. Still…”
“Wha…?” said Cold Death, shaking his green mohawk both stupidly and drunkenly in the same shake.
“What my esteemed colleague is trying to say is that we not only don’t know who you are, but we do not have any sort of authorization from any of our superior officers for the sort of transportation mission you are presently seeking.”
“Ah, yes. You are the one who speaks more coherently when you are drunk. You are the one named Vince Niell. You are the one I need to be talking to.”
“Whoa, gnarly dude!” said Nikki Sixx. “You can acktually unnerstan’ him when he’s drunk?”
“Actually, Mr. Time Knight, sir, I spell my name Vince Neill when I am drunk.”
“Oh? And why is that?”
“The only reason I spell it wrong to begin with is because some kid playing a role-playing game with the writer of this story named me with the wrong spelling long ago.”
“Yes, and the writer left it spelled wrong as a joke. I know all of that. But that’s why you have to do this. The writer needs a Deux ex Machina solution to an upcoming problem that he can’t figure out another way to solve.”
“Wha…?” commented Cold Death stupidly as his ping pong ball missed all the cups and he was forced to drink five cups of Antarian Ale all at once.
“You know, you are playing beer pong all wrong,” Hooey said.
“Yeah… but we like it bedder dis way,” said Nikki. “But what the Cold Man wansta say is, whatta hell is Dooz-x-Mockeena?”
“It means God in the Box, my inebriated minion. The author can’t think of any way to solve a problem but to pull an answer out of his anal sphincter.”
“Whoa, gnarly, Dude!”
“Yes, you said that already,” reminded Hooey, concerned about too much repetition of dialogue in an already tepid tale. “So, you’ll do this for me, Vince?”
“Yes. On the basis of that rationale. But Captain Tommy Lee and Ensign Pamela are both on the planet giving a concert tonight.”
“That’s fine. I have it on the authority of the Library of All Time that tonight is the real start of their fame and singing career. We don’t need them.”
“Okay then. I am inappropriately, and without following proper protocol, going to agree to your commands. But only because I am totally, stupidly drunk at the moment due to our horrible misinterpretation of the standard rules of beer pong.”
“That works for me.”