Where do I begin? There are just too many ideas in this one topic to enumerate them all here. I just got turned down on another loan application. I am lost for what to do about the swimming pool. I can’t fix it myself. I can’t afford to pay anyone to fix it or remove it. I am suffering from how the world sees me. Debt to income ratio makes bankers see me as a deadbeat. The city pool inspector thinks I don’t work hard enough at keeping my property from falling apart. I don’t know what the doctor thinks any more. I haven’t gone in for a check up in two years. I can’t afford to go on insulin, so I simply don’t. This world seems to see me as a potential homeless person in a short amount of time. No chance that any one of those folks are going to let me define myself.
But suffering builds character. And, damn! I have a lot of character. Want some of the extra?
Life for me has always been pretty much a long march into the darkness. I try to bring power and light and goodness with me as I march, but I know there is a final end to the journey, and it will not go smoothly. It will not end well. But I don’t see things the way other men do. I continue to fight the good fight, even though I will ultimately lose the war. “Rage! Rage against the dying of the light!” says the poet Dylan Thomas. The fight is everything. And I simply can’t be troubled with thinking about what lies over the last hill in this march toward the final battle.
I think, ultimately, that the important thing isn’t winning or losing. It is about who or what we have become on the inside. I find solace in being able to laugh at life. A lot of depressing things have been happening lately. It can make the laughing harder to manage. But if life is not joy at its heart, then what is it? And what makes it worth living?
“Simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being.
Patient with both friends and enemies,
you accord with the way things are.
Compassionate toward yourself,
you reconcile all beings in the world.”
― Lao Tzu
Thus it is… Lao Tzu is wise. The Tzu part of his name means “teacher”. So maybe I need to learn from him. There has to be a way forward, at least until the path ends.