Sometimes a Mickey needs to take stock of where he is, where he is going, and what is going on in the world around him. I think this Mickey needs to make a list of bullet points and hope like hell that nobody gets shot.
- Mickey is old. At 61-and-a-half he has six incurable diseases and has been a cancer survivor since 1983. In modern America, he can no longer afford medicines like insulin that may be necessary to stay alive. After paying out thousands of dollars in hospital bills and doctor bills, he’s gone bankrupt and probably will not go to the doctor the next time he needs to. So Mickey is probably right in considering himself temporary at best.
- The diseases referred to are diabetes, arthritis, COPD, psoriasis, hypertension, and BPH. No laughing matter, Mickey knows, but not really a crying matter either. If the economy and the system of government don’t allow you to get real, necessary health care, well… laughter is the best medicine, isn’t it? And eating right, as much as you can afford to do it, counts for something.
- Mickey’s car is in the shop. The goofer who rammed into the driver’s side door in the rain is definitely at fault in the accident. His insurance, however, holds Mickey 85% responsible because he didn’t have his lights on (although I am pretty sure he did) even though it was almost noon and headlights weren’t strictly necessary in what was merely a light rain.
- The doors on Mickey’s car won’t open until both of them and the column between them, are both replaced. So, Mickey is stuck borrowing his nephew’s red car which has a dying battery, mysterious rumbling engine indigestion, and a cracked windshield.
- Mickey has six good novels published; Catch a Falling Star, Stardusters and Space Lizards, Superchicken, Snow Babies, Magical Miss Morgan, and The Bicycle-Wheel Genius.
- Mickey also has two completed manuscripts awaiting revision, editing, and publication; Recipes for Gingerbread Children and The Baby Werewolf.
- And Mickey has reached 100 pages and 34,000 words on his current manuscript; Sing Sad Songs.
- It should be obvious, then, that Mickey intends to write fictions furiously until he drops dead. Mickey hopes that you don’t hope that he will drop dead sooner rather than later. He promises that his fictions aren’t that bad.
- Mickey has decided not to waste any more time making fun of the current criminal in the White House. That problem really seems to be coming to an end on its own.
- It is probably also obvious that Mickey has been transforming his Paffoonies from grayish photographishes into clear and bright scannishes… er… scans.
- And when Mickey writes Mickey Notes, he always intends to write something different than it turns out he has really written as he gets closer to 500 words and the end of the essay.
- Oh, well, Mickey knows how it goes, I suppose, and so he is now done writing Mickey Notes… for today.
And back-seat drivers all have visions of the bloody, fiery car crash you are going to put them through in return for their $5.00 riding fee.
It seems I am rather good at it, too. Who knew that a life spent as a teacher would make you into the sort of Jeopardy genius that could earn a million dollars on a show that you will never ever have a chance to get on, and if, by some miracle, you did, you would get a first round question about the atomic weight of molybdenum and you’d say, “What is 42?” because that is the element’s atomic number (and the answer to life, the universe, and everything) instead of 95.94, the correct answer, which you knew, but you got nervous and went for the jokier answer.
Catch a Falling Star 
Predictions Using Mickey Math
Mickeys are by their nature pessimists. When mostly bad things happen to you in your life, you learn not to expect good things, only be pleasantly surprised by them. And bad things happen only when you are prepared for them if you are expecting only bad things to happen. In fact, the bad outcome will probably seem good in comparison to the terrible thing you were planning on happening to you.
For example, my car is in the shop being fixed for accident damage that prevented me from earning extra money through Uber for a month and a half. I was told on Thursday that the car doors were fixed and it was in the paint shop. It was possible I was going to get it back Friday afternoon. I was not upset or surprised that I never got the call Friday. In fact, I fully expected somebody had dropped the car off a lift or painted it neon puce or something and that it will take another two weeks to fix the new damage. So if it turns out to be ready tomorrow, which I sincerely don’t expect due to Mickey Math, I will still be pleasantly surprised. I might even go into happy shock. After all, I clearly remember one time watching a tow truck operator load my malfunctioning car onto a flatbed tow truck, only to see it roll off the front of the truck to further damage it because he had not properly secured it. That yielded happy shock because the body shop owner who also owned the tow truck ended up repairing my car for free.
What is the science behind Mickey Math, you say? Oh, you didn’t say anything? Well, I will tell you anyway. In a world where 2 + 2 = 4, if Mickey desperately needs the answer to always be at least 4, you can be certain by experimental proof and past experience that it will surely come out as 2 + 2 = 3. Life and physics always disappoint Mickey one way or another. So the science tells Mickey to always be prepared for the worst.
That being said, here are some predictions for the near future figured out via Mickey Math.
Now, it is quite possible that things will fall short of most of these dire predictions, but that is how Mickey Math secures happiness from a miserable life.
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Filed under angry rant, autobiography, commentary, feeling sorry for myself, humor, Paffooney, pessimism, self pity