Category Archives: humor

Canto 36 – Aerobase Frieda

      Frieda began to enjoy lots of company both from the planet Don’t Go Here and from the Imperium beyond.  Tron Blastarr had shared Frieda’s location as an open port to all his merchant and corsair friends.  Arkin Cloudstalker’s Lady Knights were frequent visitors and one of them, Tabitha Blue Arrow, opened an inn and entertainment center at the starport.  Don’t Go Here Downport began producing merchant ships of a superior kind designed by Frieda with no input from anyone else.  The controls were so high-tech and simple that even cave children from Don’t Go Here could fly them.

Frieda found herself entirely too limited with the spaceport as her only body.  She needed a more humanoid-friendly interface, and began work on a human-shaped robot body.  She scanned Tara Salongi as her model, but improved upon the design by making the body out of gleaming, chromium-alloy high tech metal with black adamant metal for the hair.  She made the body anatomically correct and even designed for herself modest black synth-leather attire.

It was during a high-activity business day that the Monopoly Brigade came to visit.  Fez Amin docked three Brigade Corsairs at the starport with a password that Frieda would later determine came from a tortured prisoner, a captured Pinwheel Corsair.

Trouble began at the administration desk at the center of Aerobase 1.  Fez Amin and two tattooed cohorts started an argument there with the Dion girl who was working the desk for the Salongi family.

“I don’t show any of my documents to a Scaly who isn’t even a Galtorrian,” said Ox, the Monopoly Brigade Lieutenant who wore snake tattoos all over his naked chest and arms.

“Yeah,” said Fez Amin.  “How does a low-level Scaly like you get such a job?  They must really be raking the bottom of the barrel at this world.”

The girl was a brown-skinned Dion.  She was as naked and as vulnerable as the day she hatched from her egg, but you really couldn’t tell by looking at her.  She could have been wearing a dino-skin swimsuit as far as her outward appearance went.  She had no hair, as with all Dions, male and female alike.  Her shapely brown tail switched nervously back and forth as she stared at the tattooed men before her.

“All right!  What’s the problem here?” asked Bam-Bam Salongi, approaching the desk.

“No problem, Alley Oop.  We just don’t want our papers examined by a Scaly witch like this one,” growled Ox.

Mustapha Aga, the third Brigade Commander, added, “She’s been staring at our human beauty with those ugly snake eyes of hers.”  He flexed a bicep with a tattoo of a woman on it.

“Let me see your documents,” said Bam-Bam coolly.

“Look at this,” said Mustapha Aga.  He pulled out a laser pistol and shot it.  Bam-Bam was wearing a leather administrator’s suit, more protection than his old Fredsuits would’ve afforded, but the ray burned right through his chest, killing him instantly.

The Dion girl began screaming.  Ox grabbed her and put a gun to her head.  Everyone in the spaceport office froze with fear and indecision.

Tara came storming into the room, livid with the offenses against her people, and shocked with the suddenness of her father’s death.  A spear of raging hatred lanced out of her mind and turned Aga’s brain into boiled peanut butter.  The tattooed pirate fell dead in writhing agony that lingered for ten minutes.

“Well, well.  Some of the cave people have some real fight in them.”  Fez Amin folded his arms and grinned at Tara, daring her to try the same on him.

“Let Taquira go, pirate!” Tara ordered.

“Make us,” said Amin, putting a booted foot on the back of Mustapha’s corpse.  “I dare you.”

Tara didn’t waste a heartbeat with her deep probe.  Most men would’ve crumbled before her powerful mental attack, but Fez Amin radiated a powerful mental shield.  He was not a telepath, but no stronger mind could be found among non-telepaths.  She tried to probe and take control of Ox instead, but he had some sort of metal plate in his head that reflected Psion energy.

“What do I have to do to make you release the girl and go away?” asked Tara.

“I like you,” said Amin.  “You have spunk.  Take the Scaly’s place and come with us.  Your life for hers.”

“You will leave this planet alone?”

“You have my word as a gentleman bandit.”

Frieda’s robot self had arrived in the office and stood looking at Amin with expressionless silver eyes.  “Don’t do it, Tara.  You are more valuable than the Dion.  I can destroy him and his ship if I don’t have to worry about you being on board.”

“My, my!  What a testy little toaster you are,” said Amin.  “Go away and leave this between the girl and me.”

“If I assume I’m somehow superior to the rest of my people, then I am no better than he is,” said Tara.  She looked at Frieda with a hard set to her jaw.  “Tell Ged Aero that I love him, and I will come back to him as soon as I can.”

“How can I help you now?”

“Keep this world safe for me.  Don’t let any more creeps like this in if you can stop it.  Goodbye, Frieda!”

Tara dropped her guard and let Ox take her.  Taquira the Dion girl ran to Frieda as soon as Amin let her loose.  Tabitha had also shown up to see the end of the exchange.  She ran to the body of Bam-Bam Salongi and cradled his head in her lap.  Fez smiled like the fox that just ate the fattest hen in the coup.  He and Ox backed away toward their ships with their prize.

“I can ready my corsair and go after them, Frieda,” offered Tabitha Blue Arrow.

“We cannot put Mistress Tara’s life at risk,” said Frieda.  “Trust that the girl is clever and powerful enough to find her own means of escape.  I don’t believe we’ve seen the last of either one of those two people, the Princess or the Bastard.”

Taquira, the Dion girl, cried on Frieda’s cool metal shoulder.  Frieda petted her comfortingly with a metalloid hand.

 

 

 

Canto 35 – Stardog Attack

      As the Megadeath popped out of jump into the Phoebus IV Star System, the crew was amazed to find a school of Lupin corsairs in an apparent feeding frenzy.  The old merchant vessel that they were attacking carried a Psion Empire logo.

“Vince!” cried Tkriashav, “Take us into attack mode!”

“Um… Yeah.”  Vince Niell locked on a nearby target and drove at it in flank speed.  “Cold Death!  You got weapon-duty, dude!”

“Wha…?”  Cold Death grabbed the controls for the rail guns in both shaky white hands.

“Vince, babe, we don’t know how to do this stuff!” cried Nikki Sixx.  “We never got this far in the space academy!”

“Oh, great!” swore Tkriashav.  He probed with his mind and locked onto the weak brainwaves of Cold Death.  He took control and aimed the weapons with Cold Death’s hands.

“Wha…?”  Cold Death popped three super-accelerated slugs through the hull of the nearest corsair.  The Stardog warrior spewed sparks, parts, and dying crewmen into space.

“<Who are you, friend?>” called the merchant ship in the Zaradese language.  “<We thank you for the help.>”

“<I am Tkriashav, returning home with great news!>”

“<You are a miracle, then!>”

The Megadeath was faster and more deadly than anything the Lupins had to fight back with.  Vince’s able piloting combined with the ship’s superior design to lay waste to sixteen of the clunkier Lupin vessels.  Finally the Lupins signaled surrender.

“Prepare to be boarded!” commanded Tkriashav to the Stardog flagship.

“Wha…?” said Cold Death.  “How we gonna do that?  There’s only four of us!”

“They don’t know that,” answered Tkriashav.  “Grab laser rifles and come with me.  We will all go across and accept their surrender.”

“Dude, I hope you know what you’re doing,” said Vince.

“I hope I do too,” said Tkriashav with a sardonic grin.

The boarding party took an air-raft, a small open-top anti-gravity vehicle, and made the crossing to the largest Stardog corsair.  The Lupin vessel was, of course, in a sorry state of disrepair.  These corsairs had all been used excessively with only a bare minimum of maintenance.  It was little wonder that the Megadeath, newest vessel in this part of space, could cut through the corsair ships like a hot knife through lukewarm cheese.  Xavier could count the scratches on the portal side and classify them as plasma burns, bullet holes, or near-miss collision marks.  It was amazing that Lupins could still get these ships to fly.

Inside the airlock, the crew removed their vacuum helmets and breathed the stink of Lupin-befouled air.  These space mongrels apparently knew little of the steward skills necessary to maintain shipboard environments.

“Welcome Psion Master,” said a red-furred Lupin female who appeared to be the Lupin leader.  “We surrender all our treasures and our ships to you.”

“That’s very generous,” said Tkriashav, “but what are your terms for surrender?”

“Unconditional, right?”  She looked at the five crewmen who accompanied her to the docking bay for support.  They all nodded vigorously.  “Yes, unconditional surrender.”

“Very well, then.  Follow us down to the planet.  We will put your people under the authority of the planet Zarane.”

“Okay,” said the unnaturally pleased Lupin leader.

“Why are you so darn agreeable?” asked Vince, giving voice to the unease that Tkriashav had hoped not to let slip.

“Oh, we need a new government,” said the Lupin Lady.  “Our homeworld has been overrun by Nebulon colonists.  There are so many Smurfs on Zaell right now that a Stardog can’t spit without messing one.”

“Nebulons?” asked Tkriashav.  “I thought they all lived in stars to the leading edge of the Orion Spur.  What are they doing trillions of miles from home?”

“Colonizing,” said the Lupin Lady.

“So why were you attacking a Psion merchant if you meant to ask us for sanctuary?”

“Bad habits, I guess.  We don’t mean to offend.  We even brought a Psion prisoner here to return him to his home.  We thought it would be a sign of good faith.”

“A Psion?” asked Xavier, “Who?  And where from?”

“He was living in a Psion colony overrun by Nebulons.  Mattey!  Produce the boy!”

A blond-haired, blue-eyed boy wearing a white cowboy hat and a white tunic was lead into the docking bay.  He smiled shyly as Tkriashav was pointed out to him.

“Are you a Psion, boy?”

“Yes, sir.  I’m a Pyro.  I can’t help it most of the time.  These Stardogs have been bringing me back to Zarane.”

“What’s your name, child?” asked Tkriashav.

“I am Rocket Rogers, sir.”

Tkriashav laughed.  “I suppose your father’s name was Buck?” he jested.

“Yes.  And my grandfather’s name was Will and my Uncle was Roy.  We were all Pyros.”

“What happened to your family?”

“All killed by pirates before the Nebulons tried to colonize our world.  The Monopoly Brigade wiped out Bradalanth Colony.  Stardogs found me in a raid just as the Nebulons were entering our solar system.”

“So they helped you?”

“Well, yes.  They helped me and looted what was left of our colony before the Nebulons got there.”

“All right, Stardogs,” said Tkriashav, raising both arms dramatically.  “I may not be the leader of the two Psion planets in this system, but I can promise you help and safe harbor.  I come bearing good news to the people of the Psion Empire.  The Prophecy of Xan is being fulfilled even as we speak.  A new White Spider has arisen!  A new realm is about to take shape!  You will be a part of that, Lupin and Psion alike!  Come with me to Zarane and we will make History!”

Both crews cheered, but being rather slow, neither crew probably fully understood what was being said.